The Mingling of Souls

1. God's Good Design: Relationships for Joy and Glory

The universe that you and I inhabit was created and ordered and is sovereignly governed by a good Creator-God.

Divine blueprint. God, our good Creator, designed the universe with wisdom woven into its fabric, making life "to the full" possible, including romantic relationships. From Adam's first love song for Eve to the gift of sex, God intended for men and women to experience deep joy and glorify Him through their union. Sin, however, fractured this design, leading to confusion and pain.

Sin's perversion. While God created all aspects of humanity, including our sexuality, sin perverts His good designs. We often confuse the perversion for the design, treating sex and desire as inherently bad. The Bible clarifies that misuse does not negate proper use; God created our bodies and desires, and they are good when stewarded according to His wisdom.

Gospel's remedy. Amidst relational confusion, the good news is that God is committed to our inward transformation. Jesus Christ's life, death, and resurrection reconcile everything, including relationships and sex, back to God. The Song of Songs, a wisdom book, charts a couple's journey from attraction to enduring love, demonstrating how to navigate romance in a way that honors God and brings joy.

2. Attraction Beyond the Surface: Character Over Charm

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Physical appeal is natural. God designed us to be physically attracted to one another, as seen in Adam's delight in Eve and Jacob's attraction to Rachel. The Song of Songs itself begins with physical admiration. This initial draw is natural and not inherently wrong; it's the first thing we notice.

Beauty's deception. However, the Bible warns that beauty can be superficial and deceitful, tricking us into missing deeper realities. Proverbs cautions against being unduly captivated by external beauty, urging us to look beyond appearances to the "beauty of the heart." This is crucial because physical beauty changes with time, age, and cultural ideals.

Character endures. True attraction, for a lasting relationship, must be rooted in character. Look for:

• Reputation: A good name is more precious than riches.
• Submission to Authority: Glad submission to godly leaders indicates humility.
• Commitment: Evidence of rootedness in church, friendships, and family.
• Handling Suffering: How one responds to stress, illness, or betrayal reveals true character.
  These qualities reveal the "real you" that endures when outward beauty fades.

3. Dating with Intent: Reciprocity, Purity, and Clarity

As you pursue a relationship into the world of dating, don’t simply look for someone who reciprocates your attraction but one who reciprocates your desire to honor Jesus in your relationship above all else.

Modern dating's pitfalls. Today's dating culture, often driven by the "hookup culture," prioritizes shallow physical gratification over genuine connection, leading to brokenness and regret. Christians must navigate this landscape with wisdom, being "wise as serpents and innocent as doves."

Essential dating elements: A healthy dating relationship requires:

• Reciprocity: Mutual interest and a shared desire to honor Jesus. Unwanted pursuit is never okay.
• Life-Giving Impact: The relationship should nurture, not exhaust, emotionally and spiritually. Mixed signals or game-playing are red flags.
• Approval by Godly Counsel: Seek advice from trusted friends, family, and spiritual leaders. Ignoring wise counsel often leads to heartbreak.

Safety and purity. As physical attraction grows, intentional steps must be taken to maintain purity. Avoid situations that tempt sexual sin, such as being alone late at night. The man should lead in setting boundaries, protecting both partners from temptation.

• "Our couch is green" (Song 1:16) implies public settings.
• "Our rafters are pine" (Song 1:17) suggests open, visible spaces.

This intentionality fosters clarity, allowing the relationship to blossom in confidence and self-assurance, rather than confusion or compromise.

4. Courtship: Unveiling Wounds and Confronting "Little Foxes"

This is a period before official engagement but more serious than merely dating.

Beyond infatuation. Courtship is a serious stage where a couple exclusively dates with the purpose of discerning marriage. It moves beyond initial attraction to a deeper "sorting out" of life together, characterized by intense excitement and eagerness to understand each other on profound levels.

Deep conversations. This stage demands vulnerable discussions about:

• The Past: Upbringing, shaping events, hardest sins to repent of.
• The Present: Ongoing struggles, fears, accountability.
• Hopes & Dreams: Future aspirations for self, spouse, family, and ministry.
• Wounds: Past abuses, traumas, or hurts that make trust difficult.
  These conversations, though risky, are vital for building a foundation of grace and understanding.

Addressing "little foxes." Courtship reveals recurring issues—the "little foxes that spoil the vineyards" (Song 2:15). These must be confronted and worked through, often with the help of wise, godly third parties like premarital counselors or spiritual mentors. Ignoring these issues will lead to greater damage in marriage. The repeated admonition "do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" (Song 2:7, 3:5) emphasizes that premature physical intimacy derails this crucial process of deep relational work.

5. Marriage as Covenant: A Reflection of Christ's Love

This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

More than a contract. Unlike a business contract, which is an exchange of goods or services with conditions, marriage is a covenant. It's a 100/100 commitment, not 50/50, where spouses give themselves regardless of immediate reciprocity, mirroring God's unconditional grace in saving sinners. Vows like "for better or for worse" reflect this covenantal nature.

Gospel's reflection. Ephesians 5 reveals marriage as a profound mystery, reflecting Christ's sacrificial love for the church and the church's submission to Him. This divine pattern requires the grace of God, as our flesh naturally resists sacrificial leadership (for men) and trusting submission (for women).

God's authorship. A covenantal marriage is God's handiwork, not merely a human arrangement. The idea of a single "soul mate" is worldly and anticovenantal, fostering scrutiny rather than grace. Instead, "the one" is the person you commit to in covenant, trusting God's sovereignty in bringing you together. This perspective prevents doubt during difficult times.

Community's role. A wedding is a celebration of God's authorship and is strengthened by the support of family and the church community. Godly friends and parents, who have offered counsel and encouragement during dating and courtship, rejoice in the union and pledge ongoing support, reflecting the communal context of Christ's body.

6. Marital Intimacy: Romantic, Tender, Passionate, and Holy

When you’re making love to a soul and not a physical body, there’s this unbelievably powerful, fulfilling, beautiful thing that occurs.

Unleashed desires. After the covenant is sealed, the wedding night marks the unleashing of desires held in check by God's grace. This is "ideal sex"—the culmination of deep emotional and spiritual intimacy, not just physical release. It's a dam breaking, releasing wonderful pressure.

Romantic and tender. Solomon's approach to his bride on their wedding night was slow, poetic, and deeply romantic. He praised her beauty from her eyes downward, disarming her insecurities and making her feel safe and cherished before physical touch. This tenderness is crucial, as women often need to feel wooed and loved before fully engaging sexually.

Passionate and holy. Marital sex is meant to be passionate, exhilarating, and consuming, a "mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense" (Song 4:6). It's a "one flesh" union, a sacred act that transcends mere physical gratification, pointing to the wonder of God's glory and His joy in union with His people. It is "set apart for special use" within marriage.

Reciprocal and fulfilling. The bride's eager response, "Awake, O north wind, and come, O south wind! Blow upon my garden, let its spices flow" (Song 4:16), demonstrates mutual desire and enjoyment. For men, sexual reciprocity from their wives is deeply satisfying. When sex is romantic, tender, passionate, holy, and reciprocal, it becomes profoundly fulfilling for both spouses and pleasing to God.

7. Fighting Fair: Responding to Conflict with Grace

Brother, you are going to fight with someone for the rest of your life. Do you want it to be Lauren?

Conflict is inevitable. Marriage, even for Christians, is not conflict-free. As sinners, we are inherently self-centered, leading to inevitable disagreements. Conflict is a tool God uses to make us holy, not just happy, sharpening and shaping us into Christlikeness.

Unmet expectations. Most conflicts stem from unmet expectations. Solomon's wife, tired, turned down his advances, leading to his frustration. The key is to respond thoughtfully, not react rashly, allowing space for grace rather than pride to dictate the interaction.

Gospel practices for conflict:

• Respond, Don't React: Control impulses; don't lash out.
• No Physical Abuse: Never touch in anger.
• No Public Shaming: Protect your spouse's dignity.
• No Fighting in Front of Kids: Model healthy conflict resolution.
• No Mentioning Parents/Family: Keep the issue focused on the couple.
• No Digging Up the Past: Love "keeps no record of wrongs."
• No Trying to Win: Seek reconciliation, not victory.
• No Yelling/Put-downs: Words wound deeply; speak gently.
• No Withholding Intimacy: Don't use sex as a manipulative tool.
• No Delaying Resolution: Seek peace before bedtime, owning your part.

Listening well. Effective conflict resolution also requires active listening:

• Show attention with nonverbals.
• Don't use logic to overpower feelings.
• Don't debate or interrupt.
• Don't leave prematurely (unless for a healthy break).
• Don't complain about your spouse to friends.
• Avoid uninviting body language.
  Ultimately, only God can change hearts, so we love, encourage, and turn our spouses over to Christ.

8. Keeping the Fire Burning: Intentionality in Long-Term Romance

Romance is a discipline. You can’t be lazy and expect romance to blossom in your marriage.

Tending the fire. The initial heat of marriage can fade over time due to routine, life's pace, biological changes, and stressors. However, love is not based on fleeting feelings but on covenant promises. The fire doesn't have to die if we actively "put logs on it."

Intentional practices:

• Pay Attention: Study your spouse, noticing unique qualities and preferences that no one else sees. Turn these observations into intentional blessings and surprises, like Dudley's monthly gifts.
• Get Away: Carve out dedicated time together, whether it's a vacation, a date night, or simply quiet mornings. These moments allow for focused connection and shared hearts, away from daily distractions.
• Work Hard: Combat laziness in the relationship. Actively seek ways to strengthen the marriage, even if it means seeking counseling. Ask questions like, "How can our marriage get stronger?" and "What makes you feel loved?"

Delight in each other. It's a discipline to find joy in your spouse, especially as years pass and challenges arise. Fight against dissatisfaction by focusing on becoming a better spouse yourself, rather than demanding a "better" partner. This Christ-like approach, rooted in grace, allows for deeper satisfaction and a richer, sweeter love that only grows with time and effort.

9. "I'm Not Going Anywhere": The Enduring Power of Ahava Love

For love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave.

Covenantal steadfastness. The Song of Solomon speaks of "ahava" love—a clinging, "I'm not going anywhere" love. This love is as strong as death, unquenchable by floods, and more valuable than all wealth. It's the love that sustains a marriage through the darkest days, when feelings wane and hardships abound.

Grace in brokenness. The author's personal story of illness and weakness, and his wife Lauren's unwavering commitment, exemplifies ahava love. Even when one spouse cannot reciprocate, this covenantal love endures, mirroring God's grace to us when we were at our worst. It's a resolute force that says, "I will love. Against all odds, weathering all storms, I will stay."

Facing reality. Marriage will bring disappointments and deep hurts, exposing hidden parts of the heart. It's crucial to prepare for difficult days, months, and even years. This understanding strengthens the covenant, reminding us that vows are made precisely for these low times, not just the good.

Gospel's anchor. Ahava love is rooted in the gospel: Jesus would not abandon His bride. This truth empowers spouses to lean into their covenant, knowing that grace exists for sin. While abuse and abandonment are unique categories requiring different responses (like seeking safety), the "normal" messiness of marriage calls for steadfast, forgiving, and enduring love.

10. Finishing Well: Building a Legacy of Wisdom and Faith

There is no experience of joy or loss that has not been redeemed by Christ and now is used by the Holy Spirit of God to minister to others.

Lifelong pursuit. Even in old age, a couple should continue to pursue each other's hearts, refusing to become mere civil roommates. Their love, though perhaps slower, remains active and intentional, demonstrated publicly and privately. This continuous pursuit is how a couple invests in a beautiful, long-lasting future.

Mentoring the next generation. The Song of Solomon concludes with the older couple reflecting on their "little sister" (Song 8:8-9), ready to impart wisdom to the younger generation. Their experiences, including mistakes and failures, are redeemed by Christ and become invaluable tools for ministry. They don't retire their wisdom but actively build a legacy of faith and endurance.

Redeemed failures. Every failure, shortcoming, and stumble in life is redeemed by Christ and used by the Holy Spirit to minister to others. Instead of feeling inadequate, older couples can share their hard-won wisdom, helping younger couples navigate their own challenges. This mentorship provides a strong foundation for future generations in ministry and marriage.

Enduring hope. The vision of finishing well—reflecting on God's faithfulness, playing with grandchildren, and continuing to serve—is a powerful motivator. Despite life's uncertainties and personal imperfections, the grace of God ensures that He will get the glory, and our lives, especially our marriages, can speak a humility that exalts Christ as the ultimate treasure.