Gay Girl, Good God

1. From Gay Identity to God's Identity: A Radical Transformation

I am what God’s goodness will do to a soul once grace gets to it.

A profound shift. The author's journey begins with a clear declaration: her past identity as a "gay girl" is now superseded by a new identity forged by God's grace. This transformation isn't a denial of her history but a testament to God's power to redefine and renew a soul. It challenges the notion that "gayness" is an unchangeable, ultimate identity.

Beyond the past tense. For many, "gayness" is seen as an immutable aspect of self, but the author asserts that only God is constant. Her story aims to demonstrate that a heart willing to bow to God can experience a profound shift, moving from a fixed identity rooted in sexual orientation to one rooted in divine goodness. This perspective invites readers to consider the possibility of a past tense for "gayness" through spiritual transformation.

A love-driven narrative. The book is written out of love for both the LGBT community and the church. It seeks to bridge gaps, offering a counter-cultural perspective on truth while also guiding Christians to love the gay community tangibly and biblically. The author's personal story serves as a living example of God's transformative power, inviting readers into her worship and understanding of God's work.

2. The Genesis of Sin: Unbelief and Broken Affections

Joy has never been the problem. It was our hearts that bent us away from finding our ultimate enjoyment in Who’d made us, which crippled how, what, and who we got joy from.

Inherited brokenness. The author traces her early same-sex attraction back to the foundational sin of Adam and Eve, emphasizing that all humanity inherits a brokenness that distorts desires. This original sin, rooted in unbelief, led humanity to seek ultimate joy in created things rather than the Creator. Her childhood experiences, like hidden intimacy in a Fisher-Price cabin, were early manifestations of this inherited bent.

The serpent's deception. The story of Eve's temptation highlights how doubt in God's character leads to misidentifying good and evil. Satan framed God as a liar, promising wisdom and immortality through disobedience. Eve's choice, driven by the belief that the forbidden tree was more satisfying than God, resulted in a knowledge of sin that was experiential, not just intellectual.

Defining goodness. The author admits that, like Eve, she often defined goodness on her own terms, prioritizing what "felt good" over God's commands. This unbelief prevented her from seeing God as the ultimate good and sin as the ultimate evil. Homosexual desires, though actual, are presented as a consequence of sin's grip on the heart, turning affections toward something lesser than God.

3. Wounds of the Past: Fatherlessness and Sexual Abuse

Between fatherlessness and sexual abuse, my entire frame of reference for people God made male was built on the experience of their doing.

A father's absence. The author recounts the profound impact of her absentee father, whose inconsistent presence and "sometimes love" taught her that men were incapable of true, unwavering affection. This created a deep-seated distrust, leading her to believe that men could not stand for truth or be consistent, shaping her understanding of love as transient and unreliable.

The trauma of abuse. A childhood experience of sexual abuse further solidified her negative perception of male intimacy. This event, initially buried and unnamed, later surfaced as a profound grief, turning a man's touch into a symbol of unsafety and an "undignified practice of the male ego." This trauma contributed to her aversion to male affection and her preference for female relationships.

Building walls. To protect herself from pain, the author learned to become "unbothered and unfeeling," building emotional walls that kept others out. While this strategy aimed to prevent heartbreak, it also inadvertently trained her to live without true love. This self-preservation mechanism became a significant barrier to trusting men and receiving genuine affection.

4. God's Relentless Pursuit: The Call to Repentance

God was not calling me to be straight; He was calling me to Himself.

The "death" warning. A pivotal moment occurred when a thought, "She will be the death of you," pierced through her mind, signaling God's direct intervention. This wasn't an audible voice but a profound conviction, warning her of the spiritual death inherent in her choices. It forced her to confront the consequences of her lifestyle and the reality of hell, which she had previously ignored.

Beyond heterosexuality. The author initially equated choosing God with choosing heterosexuality, viewing it as a "holy mandate" to "cure" her homosexuality. However, she later understood that God's call was not primarily about changing her sexual orientation but about drawing her whole heart to Himself. This distinction is crucial: God desired her holiness and devotion, not merely a change in her romantic preferences.

Unbelief as the root. Through this divine encounter, the author realized that her deepest sin was unbelief—a refusal to trust God's Word over her own desires and logic. This realization shattered her self-righteous delusions, revealing that all her sins, including lesbianism, stemmed from this single root. Her repentance was a turning from all sin, not just one aspect, and a surrender to God's complete authority.

5. Holistic Sanctification: Beyond Sexual Orientation

Christ did not die to redeem us in part. Neither did He rise so that we might have life in portions.

Comprehensive redemption. The author emphasizes that salvation is not a partial redemption, focusing solely on sexual sin, but a holistic transformation of the entire person. While her initial conversion addressed homosexuality, her discipleship under Santoria revealed other deep-seated sins like pride, fear, anger, and laziness that also needed to be confronted. This challenged the compartmentalized view of self and discipleship.

The gospel's full scope. Many SSA individuals, and even some Christians, mistakenly believe that discipleship is primarily about overcoming sexual brokenness. However, the author argues that God is after victory over any and all sin that hinders a person from serving Him fully. The gospel empowers believers to live a new life, not just in one area, but in every aspect of their being—mind, will, personality, and emotions.

Dying to more than one sin. Santoria's wisdom helped the author understand that "homosexuality is not your only issue." This insight was critical for her growth, as it shifted her focus from merely "not being gay" to actively "dying to self" in all areas. This process of sanctification involves a continuous surrender of all idols and self-centered desires to God's will.

6. Temptation's Persistence, God's Power: The Daily Battle

Just because we are tempted does not mean that we are our temptations.

Temptation is not sin. The author clarifies that while salvation delivers from the power of sin, it does not remove the possibility of temptation. She experienced persistent desires for women even after conversion, leading to internal conflict. This aligns with Jesus's own experience of temptation, proving that even perfect holiness does not grant immunity from enticement.

The illusion of power. Temptation, though tangible and persistent, operates on an illusion of power. The author learned that giving in to temptation is giving in to unbelief—believing that sin's pleasure is more sustaining than God. The Scriptures serve as a weapon and a shield, providing the truth needed to defeat the flesh and resist the devil's schemes.

God's sustaining grace. When overwhelmed by temptation, the author cried out to God, receiving the clear message: "Jackie, you have to believe My Word is true, even if it contradicts how you feel." This highlights the battle of faith inherent in resisting SSA. God's promise to help, coupled with the power of the Holy Spirit, makes obedience possible, even when it feels unnatural or difficult.

7. Reclaiming Womanhood: God's Design, Not Culture's Caricature

Being a woman was not something I needed to learn, per se. Woman is what I already was.

Lost identity. After breaking up with her girlfriend, the author felt a profound disconnect from her womanhood, seeing a "hardness" in her eyes and feeling unfamiliar with the girl she once was. Her past choices, including adopting a "stud" identity, had obscured her understanding of what it meant to be a woman according to God's design.

Small acts of repentance. Her journey to reclaim womanhood began with small, private acts of repentance, like buying a real bra and wearing women's underwear. These seemingly minor choices were declarations, "a symbolic shout that the woman that once was lost had now been found." They were not about saving herself but reminding herself of her God-given identity.

Beyond stereotypes. The author realized that her previous understanding of womanhood was based on cultural stereotypes—either overly soft and submissive or jaded and aggressive. By looking to God's Word, she discovered that true womanhood is rooted in being an image-bearer of God, embodying a "quiet and gentle spirit" that is anchored in truth and controlled by the Spirit, not a suppression of personality or strength.

8. Love, Trust, and the Gospel in Relationships: Preston's Role

Preston didn’t love me because he was a hopeless romantic. Our situation according to a worldly standard was hopeless. But he had another reference point to draw strength from: the gospel.

Challenging perceptions of men. Preston, a poet from Chicago, became a friend who challenged the author's deeply ingrained distrust of men. His consistent compassion, genuine care for others, and unwavering boldness began to dismantle the walls built by her father's absence and past abuse. He saw her as a woman, not a project, and was unafraid of her complex femininity.

A gospel-fueled love. The author's developing attraction to Preston was initially met with fear and doubt, prompting her to pray for God's will. Preston's love for her, even after she pushed him away and expressed doubts about their relationship, was rooted in the gospel. He loved her "not like you but like Me," mirroring Christ's sacrificial love for an undeserving bride.

Refining fire. Their relationship was a "war" for the author, as her past fears and inability to trust resurfaced. Preston became "God's refining fire," exposing the deep-seated fear that had prevented her from receiving love. This uncomfortable sanctification, though difficult, was God's way of forcing her to deal with the parts of her heart she had never fully surrendered to Him, ultimately leading to a deeper trust in God Himself.

9. The Church: A Community for Discipleship and Growth

The difference between the gay community and the Christian community was not skill, intellect, comfort, humor, or beauty; it was that in one and not the other, God dwelled.

A new community. Leaving the gay community, which she had once called "home," was terrifying, especially when transitioning to a Christian community that often seemed unsafe or judgmental. However, the author found a different experience in a local church and through mentorship with Santoria, who remembered her name and saw her as a person, not a project.

God's dwelling place. The author realized that while her gay community offered laughter and a sense of "life," it was ultimately "lifeless" because God did not dwell there. The Christian community, though imperfect, was miraculous because God resided within it. This community provided the means to learn about God, grow in holiness, and shed the identities her previous community had encouraged.

Discipleship in action. Santoria's intentional discipleship was crucial, moving beyond mere spiritual gifts to holistic growth. She challenged the author's pride and compartmentalized faith, teaching her to fight lust with the gospel and to understand that "the gospel didn’t just save you, it also keeps you." This communal learning environment fostered deep spiritual transformation and a clearer understanding of God's character.

10. The Danger of the "Heterosexual Gospel": Misplaced Hope

Someone trying to pursue heterosexuality and not holiness is just as far from right standing with God as someone actively pursuing homosexuality.

Misplaced emphasis. The author warns against the "heterosexual gospel," which subtly encourages SSA individuals to come to Jesus primarily to become straight or to find heterosexual marriage. This approach is dangerous because it elevates marriage as the ultimate goal of the Christian life, rather than knowing and glorifying Jesus. It can lead to a superficial repentance focused on outward behavior rather than inward transformation.

More than sexuality. Humans are complex beings, made in God's image, with intellectual, emotional, and spiritual capacities. Reducing a person's identity or God's concern to their sexuality is a "shortsighted way to describe how God has made us." God's call to repentance is holistic, addressing all sin, not just sexual actions. Pursuing heterosexuality without holiness is merely replacing one idol with another.

Singleness is not a curse. The "heterosexual gospel" often silences or dismisses singleness as a viable, God-honoring path. However, the author asserts that singleness, like marriage, can be a powerful means of glorifying God, offering "undivided devotion to the Lord." Both married and single SSA Christians can be equally apologetic for God's power, as their identity is rooted in Christ, not their marital status or sexual orientation.

11. Endurance: The Daily Crucifixion for God's Glory

The crucified life is the life set on enduring until the end when once and for all, the cross is replaced with a crown.

The cost of discipleship. The author highlights that following Jesus involves not just eternal life but also a "crucified one," a daily, drawn-out dying to self. This concept of endurance is often overlooked in discussions about same-sex attraction, leading to discouragement when temptations persist. The Christian life, especially for SSA believers, requires a patient, daily commitment to self-denial.

Jesus's example in Gethsemane. Jesus's agony in Gethsemane, where He prayed for the "cup" of God's wrath to pass, serves as the ultimate model for endurance. His commitment to His Father's will, despite immense suffering, demonstrates that obedience is possible even when the body would rather retreat. God's response was not to remove the suffering but to send an angel to strengthen Jesus to endure it.

Strength through the Spirit. Just as Jesus needed strength to endure, SSA Christians need the Holy Spirit to persevere. Endurance is not about personal strength but about a love for God that sees knowing Him as the body's greatest pleasure. This love fuels the fight against sin, knowing that joy awaits on the other side of obedience, and that God's will is infinitely better than our own.

12. Salvation: The Greatest Miracle of Spiritual Sight

The salvation of a sinner is the greatest miracle the world could ever see.

The miracle of sight. The author uses the biblical account of Jesus healing the man born blind to illustrate spiritual blindness. Just as the man could not see physically, humanity is spiritually blind, unable to recognize God's truth or their own sin. Jesus's act of healing, using "foolish" means like spit and mud, demonstrates His incomprehensible power and deity.

Unbelief's blindness. The Pharisees, despite witnessing the miracle, refused to believe because it pointed to Jesus, whom they rejected. Their skepticism stemmed from their unbelief in God's power and their own perceived goodness. This highlights how spiritual blindness prevents people from seeing God's glory, even when it is overtly displayed.

God's transformative power. The author concludes that the same power that gave physical sight to the blind man is the "enormous power" contained in the gospel, which brings spiritual sight to sinners. Her own transformation from a "gay girl" to a "new creature" is presented as a testament to this greatest miracle. Through faith in Christ, she gained the ability to see her sin, recognize God's cleansing power, and worship Him.

Last updated: December 14, 2025