Homeschooled

1. Homeschooling as a Mother's Escape and Control

"I want you to have that feeling of security and freedom, which I myself lost too soon."

Past traumas. The mother's decision to homeschool the narrator stemmed from a deeply troubled past, marked by childhood polio quarantine, her father's mental illness and death, and her sister's forced adoption. These experiences fostered a profound distrust of institutions and a desperate need for control over her children's lives. She saw homeschooling as a way to shield her son from similar suffering and to reclaim a lost sense of security.

A personal crusade. For the mother, homeschooling was not just an educational choice but a personal crusade, an "armor" against a world she perceived as toxic and unreliable. She embraced the radical ideas of John Holt, who advocated for "unschooling" and nurturing a child's curiosity, aligning with her belief that traditional systems stifled individuality. This philosophy provided a framework for her to keep the narrator close, under her direct influence, and away from perceived negative external forces.

Recreating happiness. The mother openly admitted that her happiest years were when the narrator was a baby, clinging to her like a "sloth." Homeschooling became an attempt to rewind time, to recreate that intense closeness and control. She believed that by keeping him home, she could cultivate his "genius" and ensure his happiness, effectively making him a perfect, protected version of herself, free from the disappointments she had faced.

2. The Narrator's Profound Isolation and Yearning for Connection

"Without other people, what story, what kind of book-worthy life, can I ever hope for?"

Deep loneliness. Despite his mother's intentions to foster his "genius," the narrator experienced profound loneliness during his homeschooling years. He missed the "mysterious complexity that is Other Kids" and felt his days blurring into a "scary quicksand of time" without the structure and social drama of school. His internal world became a refuge, filled with stories and imaginary friends.

Seeking connection. The narrator's longing for connection manifested in various ways, from inventing an "imaginary friend" who was a future reader of his life story, to seeking online relationships in chatrooms. These digital interactions, though often superficial or misleading, offered a glimpse into a world of peers and a chance to practice social engagement from a safe distance. His friendship with Noah Polk, though fraught, was a vital lifeline to the outside world.

A life unlived. The absence of other people in his daily life led the narrator to question the very essence of his existence. He felt like "no one" in "Nowheresville," fearing that without the interactions and experiences that come from being among peers, he could never develop a "book-worthy life." This existential loneliness underscored the fundamental human need for social interaction and external validation to form a coherent identity.

3. The Mother's Evolving "Theories" and Their Impact

"Mom sometimes gets ideas, which aren’t like other people’s. 'Theories,' she calls them, or 'hypotheses.'"

Eccentric beliefs. The mother's worldview was characterized by a constant stream of unconventional "theories" and "hypotheses" that often defied scientific or social norms. These ranged from believing white people could photosynthesize and that ear shape determined success, to prescribing a Dorito diet for her son's sweet tooth. These ideas, while often well-intentioned, reflected her deep-seated distrust of conventional wisdom and her need to find radical solutions.

Unconventional education. Her homeschooling approach was a direct extension of these theories, emphasizing "passion pursuit" and "free-form education" over structured curriculum. This often meant days filled with:

• Ice cream and movies instead of lessons
• Hair lightening experiments in the pool
• Crawling regimens to improve handwriting
• "Errands" that were essentially shopping trips

Impact on the narrator. While these methods sometimes offered moments of shared joy and creativity, they also left the narrator academically unprepared and socially isolated. He learned to manipulate his mother's desire for his "brilliance" by faking progress, highlighting the performative aspect of his education and the lack of genuine learning in many areas.

4. The Struggle for Identity: Specialness vs. Normalcy

"What if you are wrong about me? What if you’ve been wrong all along? What if I’m just a normal kid?"

The burden of genius. The mother's unwavering belief in the narrator's "genius" and "specialness" was a central pillar of her homeschooling philosophy. She constantly compared him to historical figures like Leonardo da Vinci and Shakespeare, insisting he was "light-years ahead" of his peers. This created immense pressure and a profound internal conflict for the narrator, who increasingly yearned for a normal life.

Yearning for normalcy. The narrator's desire for normalcy grew as he recognized the isolating effects of his "special" upbringing. He questioned his mother's vision, fearing that her insistence on his uniqueness was actually "malforming" him and making him incapable of fitting into the world. This internal struggle was a constant undercurrent, driving his subtle acts of rebellion and his eventual decision to return to public school.

A costume of self. The narrator often felt he was performing a role, whether it was the "quiet, blinking child" for his mother or the "nerd mascot" for his school peers. He struggled to find an authentic identity, constantly aware of the gap between his mother's idealized vision and his own experiences of social awkwardness and academic struggle. This quest for a genuine self, unburdened by expectations of "specialness," became a defining aspect of his adolescence.

5. External Influences: Family and the Outside World

"Someone needs to fight for you here. Lucky for you, a fighter is just who your grandmother is."

A web of relationships. While the mother's influence was dominant, other family members and external figures played crucial roles in shaping the narrator's experience. Dad, overworked and conflict-averse, showed his love through tasks and accommodated Mom's theories. Aaron, the older brother, navigated his own bullying and eventually found independence, serving as a quiet example. Nana, sweet and increasingly forgetful, offered comfort and a brief respite from the narrator's loneliness.

The "nemesis" as catalyst. Grandma Mimi, the paternal grandmother, emerged as a critical external force. Her blunt, imperious nature and open disapproval of the homeschooling challenged the mother's narrative and inadvertently provided the narrator with validation for his own doubts. Mimi's direct questions about his loneliness and lack of "curriculum" pushed the narrator to confront his situation, ultimately contributing to his decision to return to school.

The outside world's pull. Despite the mother's attempts to isolate him, the outside world exerted an undeniable pull. The fleeting connections with friends like Noah, the allure of popular culture, and the eventual return to public school, however difficult, were essential for the narrator's development. These external interactions, though sometimes painful, provided the necessary friction for him to forge his own identity beyond his mother's singular vision.

6. The Painful Return to "Normal" School Life

"What is going to happen to you here,” she says, “isn’t going to be easy."

A jarring re-entry. The narrator's return to Shepton High was a stark and often humiliating experience after years of isolation. He was ill-prepared for the academic rigor and social complexities of public school, struggling with basic curriculum and the unspoken rules of teenage interaction. His mother's insistence on him bringing a portable typewriter and a plastic filing cabinet, adorned with the slogan "Where's the Beef?", further alienated him, making him a target for ridicule.

Social struggles. He quickly acquired demeaning nicknames like "Where's the Beef" and "Mini-Burt," highlighting his social awkwardness and the difficulty of reintegrating into peer groups. His attempts to impress teachers with "highfalutin baloney" failed, revealing his academic deficiencies and the gap between his mother's perception of his brilliance and his actual performance. This period was marked by intense loneliness, bullying, and a desperate effort to learn how to "be a person in the world."

Learning to adapt. Despite the initial failures and humiliations, the narrator slowly began to adapt. He learned to navigate the social hierarchy, even playing the "nerd mascot" for popular kids like Clayton Howley to gain some acceptance. Academically, he learned how to take tests and write papers, eventually achieving average grades. This painful re-entry, though difficult, was a crucial step in his development, forcing him to confront his limitations and build resilience.

7. The "Suicide Capital" and the Dark Side of Isolation

"Plano lacks the webs of close connection that might keep a kid from falling all the way down into the dark wells of addiction and depression."

A town's hidden pain. The narrator discovered Plano's dark history as the "Suicide Capital of America," a nickname earned from a cluster of teenage suicides in the 1980s. This history, coupled with a contemporary crisis of opioid overdoses among his classmates, revealed a profound undercurrent of loneliness and despair in the seemingly prosperous, transient city. He recognized a chilling parallel between the town's lack of deep community ties and his own isolated upbringing.

The cost of disconnection. Plano, a city of "privilege" and "upwardly mobile pursuits," was described as a "stucco and drywall theater of a community" where families lacked continuous pasts or futures. This absence of strong social networks left its youth vulnerable to addiction and depression, as evidenced by the tragic deaths of classmates like Erik Almond and even a school counselor. The narrator observed that the school administration often tried to suppress news of these deaths, treating them as a "curse we're not supposed to name."

Personal resonance. Erik Almond's suicide deeply affected the narrator, triggering his own suppressed feelings of loneliness and a desire to "vanish." This tragedy, combined with the broader context of the town's struggles, underscored the critical importance of human connection and the dangers of isolation. It forced him to confront the potential consequences of his own past and the part of him that still yearned for escape.

8. The Long Shadow of Parental Love and Trauma

"It’s like a part of me is disappearing too."

Love and dependency. The mother's love for the narrator was immense and all-consuming, but it was deeply intertwined with her own unresolved traumas and fears. She saw him as the "only reason" she hadn't lost her mind, creating an emotional dependency that made his attempts at independence feel like a profound betrayal. Her grief over Caleb's death and Nana's dementia intensified her need for him, leading her to believe his presence was essential for her survival.

Physical manifestations of grief. The mother's emotional pain manifested physically, with her back troubles starting when the narrator left for college, and her "shrinking" coinciding with his move to New York. She explicitly linked her physical decline to his choices, stating, "I’m killing you by living my own life." This created immense guilt for the narrator, who felt responsible for her well-being and struggled with the idea that his pursuit of an independent life was literally harming her.

A shared haunting. The mother's experiences of abandonment and isolation, particularly her childhood polio quarantine, became a shared haunting. She projected her fears onto the narrator, believing she was protecting him from a world that would "destroy everything that is special about you." This deep, almost symbiotic connection meant that her pain was his pain, making it incredibly difficult for him to assert his own needs without feeling like he was inflicting further suffering.

9. Breaking Free: The Cost of Independence

"You’re going to have to break that one’s heart just to live your own life. You do know that, don’t you? It’ll kill her, but you’re going to have to anyway."

The difficult truth. The narrator's high school teacher, Mrs. Shepherd ("Mama Shep"), offered a blunt but necessary truth: to live his own life, he would have to break his mother's heart. This realization underscored the immense emotional cost of his independence, a burden he struggled with for years. His attempts to assert himself were often met with his mother's accusations of making her feel "rejected, neglected, and abused."

Subtle rebellion. The narrator's path to independence was not a sudden break but a series of subtle rebellions and gradual assertions. He learned to hide aspects of his life from his mother, such as his social struggles and academic failures, to avoid her anger and disappointment. His brother Aaron's decision to marry Nicki, despite Mom's intense disapproval and "holy war" against the "Jews," served as a powerful example of choosing one's own happiness over parental expectations.

Lingering guilt and fear. Even as an adult, living miles away in New York, the narrator grappled with the guilt and fear associated with his independence. He recognized that confronting his mother or hurting her meant risking "self-exile from a home country" and losing not only a parent but also his entire childhood worldview. This fear, he realized, was a common thread among former homeschoolers, highlighting the profound challenge of establishing autonomy after such an intense upbringing.

10. The Enduring Legacy of Homeschooling

"I have to learn how not to slip back into solitude, into endless conversations with Mom, into the rhythms and lonely dreaming of my homeschool life, into the outlandish praise that always has been my reward for choosing Mom over the world."

A life shaped by solitude. Even after achieving academic success, moving to New York, and pursuing a writing career, the narrator found his adult life deeply shaped by his homeschooling. His apartment, often unkempt and rarely left for days, mirrored the solitude of his childhood bedroom. His chosen career as a writer, working alone in a room, was a direct continuation of his "project time" from his homeschooling days, a life spent "conjuring loners to make me less lonely."

The unbreakable bond. The narrator's relationship with his mother, though physically distant, remained intensely close. Their daily, hours-long phone calls, filled with her "outlandish praise" for his writing, replicated the dynamics of his homeschooling. He realized that true freedom meant not just physical separation but breaking free from the psychological patterns of their relationship and the "outlandish praise" that had always been his reward for prioritizing her over the world.

A new path forward. The mother's eventual illness and death, coupled with the birth of his own children, forced the narrator to confront the full legacy of his upbringing. He recognized that his constant presence in his mother's life had been a "drug" for her, and his absence caused "withdrawal symptoms." His journey became one of learning to live his own life without succumbing to the fear of abandoning her, and to forge new connections and a new identity, free from the "lonely dreaming" of his homeschool past.

Last updated: January 17, 2026