Hedges

1. Infidelity is an epidemic, even among Christians.

No one is immune. The strongest marriage you know of is in danger today if hedges are not in place.

A pervasive problem. The author highlights that marital infidelity is alarmingly common, extending even into the Christian community and among spiritual leaders. This widespread issue means that no marriage, no matter how strong it appears, is truly safe without intentional protective measures. The casual attitude towards marital vows has contributed to a societal breakdown where divorce is increasingly normalized.

Shocking statistics. Surveys reveal a disturbing trend:

• A 1988 Christianity Today International (CTI) survey found 23% of male readers (non-pastors) engaged in sexual intercourse outside marriage, and 28% in other sexual contact.
• The same survey showed 23% of pastors admitted to sexually inappropriate actions, with 12% committing adultery.
• A 2001 CTI survey found 4 in 10 online pastors visited pornographic websites.
• The Barna Update (2003) reported nearly half the population thinks sex outside marriage is okay, and divorce rates are slightly higher among born-again Christians (27% vs. 24%).

The domino effect. Infidelity, often disguised by euphemisms like "infidelity," is a profound betrayal that causes immense pain and suffering, not just for the spouses but also for children and extended families. The author recounts stories of ruined ministries and shattered families, emphasizing that the consequences are far-reaching and devastating, making it crucial to acknowledge the danger and act preventatively.

2. Flee temptation; don't try to conquer lust.

Scripture does not imply that we ever shall have victory over lust the way we are expected to win over worry or greed or malice. Rather, Paul instructs Timothy, and thus us, not to conquer or stand and fight, or pray about or resolve, but to flee lust.

God's escape plan. The author presents a liberating perspective on dealing with lust: instead of trying to conquer it through willpower, God instructs us to flee. This biblical admonition (2 Timothy 2:22) acknowledges the inherent human struggle with sexual temptation, suggesting that our strength alone is insufficient. It's a permission to escape, to run from situations that could lead to sin, rather than engaging in a losing battle.

Understanding our nature. Men, in particular, are wired with strong sexual drives, a "rocket" that isn't supposed to launch for years. This natural attraction, designed by God, can easily morph into lust if not managed. The author shares his own adolescent struggles with guilt over simply looking at girls, realizing later that such attraction is normal, but the dwelling on it is where the danger lies. The key is to appreciate beauty without allowing it to become a lustful thought, which is a constant challenge.

Preventative action. Fleeing isn't about constant running; it's about proactive planning. Planting "hedges" means anticipating dangerous situations and setting boundaries before temptation arises. This "preventative medicine" is far more effective than trying to find an "escape" when already deep into a compromising situation. It's about acknowledging weakness and strategically avoiding triggers.

3. Self-deception is the enemy of marital purity.

The only future in self-deceit is ruin. Let’s quit kidding ourselves.

The illusion of strength. Many individuals, especially men, fall into the trap of believing they are immune to temptation, relying on their resolve, strong marriage, or spirituality. This self-deception is a dangerous precursor to infidelity. The author emphasizes that denying one's own potential for weakness is a direct path to disaster, as even the most devout individuals can rationalize their way into compromising situations.

Rationalization and denial. When infidelity occurs, the narrative often shifts. The once-praised spouse is suddenly deemed "cold," "boring," or "never truly loved," creating a false justification for betrayal. The author recounts a friend who, after being caught in an affair, initially denied everything, even when confronted with evidence, highlighting the deep-seated self-deception that accompanies such actions.

• Common rationalizations: "We hid the truth; our marriage was never good."
• "I never really loved her."
• "She didn't understand me."
• "God wanted me to be happy."

Acknowledging human frailty. Even the Apostle Paul admitted, "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do" (Romans 7:15). This profound admission from a spiritual giant underscores that no one is above carnal drives. The author encourages honesty about personal weaknesses, not to broadcast them, but to acknowledge them internally and use that awareness to build effective hedges.

4. Always ensure a third party for meetings, dining, or travel with unrelated women.

My philosophy is that if you take care of how things look, you take care of how they are.

The appearance of evil. This hedge is rooted in the biblical principle of avoiding even the "appearance of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:22, KJV). The author argues that if you are never alone with an unrelated woman in potentially compromising situations, you eliminate the possibility of anything inappropriate occurring, and equally important, you protect reputations from suspicion. This proactive stance removes temptation and safeguards trust.

Practical application. The author shares personal rules:

• Never meet or dine alone with an unrelated woman; always make it a threesome.
• If a third party is unavailable last minute, plans are changed, or the wife is informed immediately.
• Travel with an unrelated woman requires a third party, or the wife's explicit consent after full disclosure.
• He recounts a young evangelist whose ministry was almost ruined by a false accusation after being alone with a teenage girl, emphasizing the critical need for witnesses.

Protecting trust and reputation. This hedge is not about distrusting oneself or others, but about safeguarding the reputations of all involved—the woman, the employer, the spouse, and ultimately, Christ. It prevents gossip and unwarranted suspicion, fostering an environment of integrity. The author's wife, Dianna, trusts him implicitly because he consistently adheres to these rules and keeps her informed, reinforcing their marital bond.

5. Be cautious and public with physical touch.

If I embrace only dear friends or relatives and only in the presence of others, I am not even tempted to make the embrace longer or more impassioned than is appropriate.

The power of touch. The author reflects on the shift in social norms regarding physical touch, particularly within the church, noting that while increased openness can be positive, it also carries grave dangers. For men, who are often more visually and physically stimulated, an embrace can quickly cross the line from friendly to sensual. This hedge acknowledges the potent nature of touch and sets clear boundaries to prevent unintended escalation.

Maintaining appropriate boundaries. The author's personal rule is to embrace only dear friends or relatives, and only in front of others. This public context ensures that the embrace remains appropriate and prevents any lingering or deepening of physical intimacy that could lead to temptation. He shares a humorous anecdote about avoiding hugging his attractive cousin in front of a colleague to maintain appearances, highlighting the importance of perception.

The slippery slope. The author recounts a tragic story where an innocent, sympathetic embrace between a friend and a married woman, who was like a mother figure, escalated into an affair. This illustrates how seemingly harmless physical contact, especially in moments of vulnerability, can become a "slippery slope" towards infidelity. This hedge is about recognizing the potential for touch to ignite passion and proactively limiting its expression to protect marital fidelity.

6. Compliment attire, not the person, to avoid intimacy.

Commenting on a pretty outfit is much different, in my opinion, than telling a woman that she herself looks pretty.

The subtle line of compliments. This hedge addresses the subtle yet significant difference between complimenting someone's appearance (e.g., their clothes or hairstyle) and complimenting the person themselves (e.g., "you look pretty"). The latter can be perceived as too personal, potentially tapping into unmet emotional needs or ego desires, especially for women who may be starved for attention in their own marriages.

Unintended consequences. The author shares his own youthful mistake of telling a girl she "looked nice," which made her uncomfortable and led her to avoid him. He also notes that while he doesn't mind men complimenting his wife's attire, a direct compliment on her beauty feels "too personal."

• Dr. James Dobson's "lure of infidelity" factors:
  • Pleasure ("life is passing you by!")
  • Romanticism (someone who cares)
  • Sex (pure physical act)
  • Ego needs (someone finds you attractive for your mind, taste, or talent)
• Ego needs are often the top factor for both men and women in infidelity.

Protecting emotional vulnerability. This hedge is about being mindful of the emotional landscape of others. You never know what wounds or pains a person carries, and an overly personal compliment could inadvertently open a door to inappropriate emotional attachment. By sticking to comments about external choices, one can be friendly and encouraging without risking misinterpretation or fostering a deeper, potentially dangerous, connection.

7. Avoid flirtation and suggestive humor, even in jest.

I put flirtation and suggestive conversation in the same category as a loaded gun. Maybe that’s because I believe in the power of words, written and spoken.

Words as weapons. The author equates flirtation and suggestive conversation to a "loaded gun" due to the immense power of words. Compliments and flattery are always remembered, and even seemingly innocent jokes can carry a hidden truth or intention. This hedge emphasizes that humor, when used flirtatiously, can be a deceptive cloak for underlying desires, leading to misunderstandings or, worse, actual infidelity.

The danger of "harmless" teasing. The author recounts a tragic story of a couple in a church who flirted humorously for nearly ten years, even in front of their spouses. When a crisis arose (the woman's husband was hospitalized), the man's "teasing" about how wonderful she was suddenly became a serious declaration, leading to an affair. This demonstrates how prolonged, seemingly innocent flirtation can lay the groundwork for betrayal when vulnerability strikes.

• Proverbs 7:4-5 and 7:10, 21 warn against the "seductress who flatters with her words" and "enticing speech."
• Humor can deliver a "barb of truth" or a "little lecture" without direct confrontation.

Honesty and respect. This hedge extends to one's own marriage, advocating against making one's spouse the butt of jokes. The author and his wife prioritize honest, forthright communication, resolving disagreements quickly to avoid tension. By being careful with the tongue, both in external interactions and within the marriage, one protects against emotional unfaithfulness and fosters an environment of trust and respect.

8. Regularly remember and reiterate your wedding vows.

The more your story is implanted in your brain, the more it serves as a hedge against the myriad forces that seek to destroy your marriage.

Reaffirming commitment. In an era where wedding vows are often taken cavalierly, this hedge emphasizes the profound importance of regularly remembering and reiterating these sacred promises. It's not just about repeating words, but about internalizing the commitment made before God and witnesses. This practice solidifies the foundation of the marriage and serves as a constant reminder of fidelity.

Creative reminders. The author suggests various ways to keep vows alive:

• Surprise your spouse with a "progressive search" using vow snippets leading to a special trip or date.
• Call or text to reiterate vows on anniversaries, birthdays, or just because.
• Write vows in cards, on cakes, or even in calligraphy to display.
• The author and his wife wrote their own vows, including "keeping you only unto me" and "for as long as we both shall live, or until Christ... returns."

The cost of broken vows. The author and his wife have grappled with the hypothetical question of forgiving infidelity, acknowledging the immense difficulty of regaining trust after such a betrayal. While forgiveness is a Christian ideal, the emotional and psychological scars are deep, often making full reconciliation impossible. Regularly recalling vows acts as a powerful deterrent, reminding both partners of the devastating consequences of breaking their sacred promise and the chaos adultery creates.

9. Prioritize quantity time with your family.

I learned that the idea of quality time was a lie. Some experts espoused the idea that successful overachievers could be guilt-free about the little time they were able to devote to their children if only they invested quality time when they could. It was sort of like one-minute parenting. Just be sure that what little time you are able to spend with your child is quality time, those experts said. What garbage.

Beyond "quality time." The author strongly refutes the popular notion of "quality time," asserting that children primarily need quantity time. Inspired by older men who regretted not spending more time with their growing children, he and his wife established a strict rule: no work between coming home and the children's bedtime. This hedge ensures consistent presence and availability, fostering deep family bonds.

Benefits for all. This commitment to family time yielded rich benefits:

• For the wife: Relief and personal time while the husband engaged with the children.
• For the children: A constant, reliable paternal presence, fostering security and open communication.
• For the marriage: More relaxed, less pressured time together, strengthening the couple's bond.
• The author's sons grew up understanding the importance of this commitment, which now serves as an additional hedge, knowing their parents prioritize their marriage.

The impact on children. The author highlights the devastating impact of divorce on children, citing studies that show long-term psychological, economic, and social suffering, often leading to emotional instability and difficulty in their own relationships. The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and prioritizing family time visibly demonstrates this love, building a legacy of stable, committed relationships for future generations.

10. Custom-make your hedges based on personal weaknesses.

Your weaknesses may be different. Some might make me laugh or make me think you’re a nut, as some of mine may have done to you. The important thing is to know yourself, understand the dangers in your weak areas, and do something practical and concrete about them.

Personalized protection. The author emphasizes that "hedges" are not one-size-fits-all; they must be custom-made to address individual weaknesses and temptations. What might seem ridiculous or unnecessary to one person could be a vital safeguard for another. The core principle is self-awareness: honestly identifying one's own vulnerabilities and proactively implementing practical, concrete measures to protect against them.

Examples of personalized hedges:

• A friend who travels for business locks out adult movie channels in hotels and carries photos of his family as a reminder.
• The author, not tempted by prostitutes, focuses his hedges on avoiding being alone with women he admires or likes, recognizing that emotional attachment is his greater risk.
• He recounts a personal experience of politely declining a prostitute's offer, highlighting that even in unexpected situations, one's core values and hedges guide reactions.

Continuous vigilance. The journey of planting and maintaining hedges is ongoing. It requires constant vigilance, open communication with one's spouse, and a willingness to adapt strategies as life circumstances change. The goal is not to achieve perfection, but to consistently choose actions that honor one's vows, protect the marriage, and uphold the reputation of Christ, ensuring that love stays in and infidelity stays out.

Last updated: March 8, 2026