Real Influence

1. Embrace Connected Influence Over Disconnected Tactics

To influence people in powerful ways that can change your future, you need to move from disconnected to connected influence.

Shift your mindset. Disconnected influence relies on manipulative, short-term tactics focused on "getting your way," often treating people as targets. This approach is shortsighted, leading to temporary compliance at best, and often damaging relationships and reputation in the long run. It fosters cynicism and resistance, as people easily recognize "pushy" influence and push back.

Build genuine connections. Connected influence, conversely, is about fostering deep, transformational relationships that lead to great outcomes for everyone involved. It's about becoming the kind of person others are eager to follow, not because they have to, but because they want to. This approach prioritizes long-term commitment and mutual benefit over immediate, self-serving gains.

Inspire commitment. When you practice connected influence, people don't just agree to support you; they champion your causes and have your back. This is achieved by being open, transparent, and focusing on adding value before seeking it. For example, Giang Biscan, the "StartUp Angel," built her influence from scratch by "helping her way in" to events, offering value without expectation, and creating a powerful network.

2. Conquer Your Blind Spots Through Deep Listening

From your point of view, these people are invisible— just like the motorcyclist.

Recognize your blind spot. Just as a driver has a blind spot, our brains have one when it comes to influencing others. We get stuck in "your here," seeing only our own position, facts, and intentions, making "their there"—the other person's perspective—invisible. This leads to miscommunication and failed influence attempts, as exemplified by Scott, who, despite good intentions, alienated his boss by failing to understand hidden organizational reasons for a decision.

Avoid the "fight or flight" trap. Under stress, our primitive "reptile brain" can trigger an "amygdala hijack," leading to "fight or flight" responses. In influence, this manifests as PUSH behaviors:

• Pressing your case too much
• Understating alternatives
• Short-term focusing
• Hassling
  These behaviors prevent logical or emotional connection, trapping you in your "here" and making genuine influence impossible.

Listen to learn. The solution is to actively listen past your blind spot, engaging in "connective listening." This involves energetic, determined humility, suspending judgment, and focusing on understanding others on their own terms. Glen Barros, CEO of Concord Music Group, exemplified this when negotiating Ray Charles's final album. By listening to Ray's past experiences of being taken advantage of, Barros understood his distrust and crafted a fair deal, leading to the Grammy-winning "Genius Loves Company."

3. Aim for Great Outcomes Across 3 Key "R"s

It’s not the size of your goal that makes an outcome great. It’s the ambition to make a difference, the courage to put yourself on the line for a principle, and the willingness to let everyone join in your success.

Go for the grand. Connected influence means aiming for "great outcomes"—ambitious, inspiring, and nearly impossible goals that energize and excite everyone involved. This isn't about merely "doable" goals, but about creating possibilities and a better "their there." A great outcome doesn't need to be large in scope, but rich in meaning and beneficial for all.

Integrate the three "R"s. True great outcomes are built on the interconnected pillars of Results, Reputation, and Relationships. Focusing too narrowly on results at the expense of the other two can lead to worse outcomes overall, as self-serving actions ultimately damage trust and collaboration. The most influential people consider long-term implications in every short-term action.

Examples of the 3 Rs in action:

• Results: Ivan Rosenberg helped the Alliance for Children's Rights envision "a world in which every child has a safe, loving, and permanent family," transforming their focus from competition to collaboration for at-risk kids.
• Reputation: Jim Clark, president of Prudential, risked his standing to recruit Larry Clark, an African-American, in 1965, even offering financial support for his home purchase, building a reputation for integrity.
• Relationships: Joey Gold, a rock star turned aerospace engineer, consistently treats everyone with respect, from executives to janitors, fostering genuine connections that lead to support and loyalty.

4. Be Influenceable to Earn Influence

To influence, be influenceable.

Openness is strength. Being influenceable means entering every conversation willing to believe you might be partially or totally wrong, that the other person might be right, and that you will learn something valuable. It requires both intellectual openness (to logic, data, ideas) and emotional openness (to feelings, passions, values). This vulnerability is more potent than being impervious, as people open their minds and hearts to those who open theirs.

Avoid the "winning arguments" trap. When you try to "win" an argument, you trigger defensiveness and a desire to prevail, turning discussions into ego contests where everyone ultimately loses. Appearing closed-minded leads people to disregard your input, translating your message into "blah, blah, blah." True influence is about winning hearts and minds, not just prevailing on an issue.

Learn from being wrong. Marilyn Tam, former CEO of Aveda, exemplified influenceability when she told Nike CEO Phil Knight that his new store concept would fail due to poor apparel quality. Knight, initially displeased, later researched her claims, admitted she was right, and hired her. His willingness to be influenced saved Nike from a multimillion-dollar mistake, demonstrating that accepting you might be wrong can lead to monumental success.

5. Engage Authentically in "Their There" with the 3 Gets

When you start treating people like people, they become people.

Approach from their perspective. Once you've listened to understand where someone is coming from, the next crucial step is to engage them from their perspective, not your own. This shift makes it exponentially easier for them to connect with you, as you're meeting them where they are, rather than expecting them to start where you are.

Utilize the "three gets of engage":

• Situational Awareness ("You Get It"): Demonstrate understanding of their opportunities and challenges, offering ideas that resonate with their reality. Giselle Chapman, for instance, got a pharmaceutical sales job by showing she "got" the interviewer's need for reps who could access doctors.
• Personal Awareness ("You Get Them"): Show you understand their strengths, fears, hopes, and priorities, connecting on a personal level. Mike Critelli, former Pitney Bowes CEO, showed this by enhancing adoption benefits after a casual conversation with an employee.
• Solution Awareness ("You Get Their Path to Progress"): Offer positive paths, options, and alternatives that empower them to move forward on their own terms.

Turn disaster into triumph. Joey Gold, a rock musician, faced an angry crowd when his band refused to play an in-store concert due to ego clashes. By walking onto the stage alone, being brutally honest about the band's dysfunction, and offering to stay for hours signing autographs, he practiced all three "gets." He turned a potential riot into a memorable, positive experience, demonstrating how authentic engagement can transform even the worst scenarios.

6. Bridge Cultural and Generational Divides

Our similarities bring us to a common ground; our differences allow us to be fascinated by each other.

Overcome cultural barriers. In a multicultural world, a transactional mindset often backfires when interacting with relationship-based cultures. To exert positive influence, you must engage from "their there" culturally, focusing on closing the distance rather than just transacting deals. This requires intentional effort and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone.

The power of a few words. Brian Adams, director of Griffith University Multi-Faith Center, demonstrates that even knowing a few words in another person's language can create an immediate, deep connection. His "seven most important words and phrases" strategy includes:

• "In your language, how do you say...?"
• Saying their name properly.
• Saying hello and offering a proper greeting.
• Saying thank you.
• Saying "I appreciate your time with me."
• Offering a proper farewell.
  This approach, combined with courage, respect, curiosity, and humility, builds strong bonds, even if you make a "jelly doughnut" mistake like JFK.

Bridge generational gaps. The past is a "foreign country," and different generations often misunderstand each other. John Ullmen's experience of asking his parents to write about their early lives transformed his relationship with them, revealing profound insights into their struggles and motivations. This empathetic engagement across age barriers fosters deeper understanding and appreciation, enriching personal and professional relationships.

7. Consistently "Do More" in All Value Channels

Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.

Go beyond expectations. Connected influence means consistently "doing more" than what's expected, not just for close relationships, but for all interactions. This "overdelivering" makes you unforgettable and builds a reputation for integrity, fostering gratitude and a desire for reciprocity. It's about "enchantment"—filling people with delight and making a statement about who you are.

Add value in three channels:

• Insight Channel: Expand their thinking, reframe situations, or help them find new meaning. Paul Bucha, a Medal of Honor recipient, asked cadets to hold hands, creating a visceral understanding of their lifelong connection and commitment to each other.
• Emotional Channel: Make them feel better, encouraged, capable, or valued. Heidi Roizen, a "mentor capitalist," helps entrepreneurs deconstruct their fears by asking "What's the worst thing that can happen?", empowering them to act. Mark Goulston's team-building exercises help colleagues share vulnerabilities, fostering deeper emotional bonds.
• Practical Channel: Help them take effective action, solve problems, or accomplish tasks. Meredith Blake, a social entrepreneur, not only helped Paul Allen's firm with a mental health series but also developed "Early Moments Matter" kits for new parents, providing practical support.

The multiplier effect. "Doing more" is an ongoing practice, applied before, during, and after interactions. It's a mindset of generosity that, while focused on helping others, ironically transforms you into a happier, healthier, and more successful individual. Larry Senn, who runs triathlons at 76, exemplifies this by staying healthy to better serve his family and clients, demonstrating that self-care can also be a form of "doing more" for others.

8. Empower Others by Inviting Contribution and Getting Out of the Way

There is no delight in owning anything unshared.

Don't go it alone. True influence isn't about being the sole hero; it's about inviting others to contribute and add value. By opening your arms to help, you not only increase the chances of a great outcome succeeding but also magnify your own positive influence by empowering others and fostering a sense of shared ownership.

Strategically step aside. Ensuring the longevity of your great outcome often means "strategically getting out of the way." This involves handing off legacies, supporting others' growth, and even finding and training your replacement. John Rawling, former CEO of Robertson Fuel Systems, selflessly stepped aside early to ensure a smooth transition to his successor, Tom Harrison, demonstrating profound humility and foresight.

Leverage diverse perspectives. Actively seek contributions from people with different backgrounds and experiences, not just "experts." Carla Sanger, CEO of LA's BEST, learned a masterful way to teach organizational values from a young Guatemalan refugee, who connected instantly with young staff by sharing a personal story about her grandmother's necklace. This highlights how empowering new, diverse voices can lead to extraordinary and unexpected insights.

9. Transform Adversity and Mistakes into Growth

Real leaders talk openly about their failures. They never hide them, because they know that’s where the best learning comes from.

Face your mistakes head-on. Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes on a grand scale. The first, toughest step to repair damage and grow is to honestly confront your errors. Hiding or being ashamed of mistakes prevents learning and perpetuates negative cycles, whereas acknowledging them can be a powerful act of vulnerability and strength.

Practice the "power apology." To heal even the deepest wounds, a simple "I'm sorry" is often insufficient. A "power apology" has four parts:

1. Spell out what you did or failed to do, and say, "I'm sorry and I was wrong."
2. Describe how your mistake harmed the other person.
3. State your commitment to avoiding this mistake in the future.
4. Ask what you can do to make up for your mistake, and then follow through.
   Steve, an executive who used sarcasm, transformed his relationships by openly asking his team for "bunt signs" to signal when he was about to make a cutting remark, demonstrating commitment to change.

Learn from every misstep. Mistakes are not weaknesses but opportunities for profound learning. Gus Lee, a decorated military officer and author, transformed his life by confronting his own anger and "recovering cowardice," inspired by his mentor Norman Schwarzkopf and his wife Diane. He learned to see his behaviors from others' perspectives, demonstrating that true courage lies in facing one's frailties and committing to fundamental change.

10. Cultivate Gratitude to Magnify Your Impact

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Break the cycle of negativity. Gratitude is a powerful antidote to disappointment and frustration, instantly breaking negative cycles and initiating an "appreciative cycle." When you actively focus on what you're grateful for, you shift your energy, drawing people towards you and exerting a more positive influence on your surroundings.

Express and share appreciation. Expressing gratitude, whether directly through a "power thank-you" or by sharing stories of those who've helped you, creates a "mirroring" effect in others, strengthening bonds. Jim Sinegal, cofounder of Costco, felt so strongly that his mentor Sol Price deserved credit for Costco's success that he was upset when a flattering article gave him too much credit, exemplifying deep, guiding gratitude.

Gratitude as a life philosophy. Cultivating an appreciative mindset is a choice, especially during adversity. Bill Childs, an IT pioneer, maintained an "incurably sunny mood" after a severe injury, focusing on his blessings and inspiring those around him. Ken Blanchard, the renowned management consultant, credits Norman Vincent Peale for transforming his spiritual life, demonstrating how gratitude can lead to profound personal growth and a magnified positive impact on thousands of others.