Key Takeaways
1. Abuse is About Control, Not Love or Anger.
Jealousy and love actually have nothing to do with each other.
Understand the core. Many women mistakenly believe their partner's anger or jealousy stems from deep love, or that his rage is the root of the problem. However, abusive behavior is fundamentally about control and a profound lack of respect, not intense emotion. His anger is merely a tool to enforce his will, and his jealousy is a sign of possessiveness, not affection.
Distinguish behaviors. It's crucial to differentiate between normal angry behaviors and abusive ones. Angry behaviors might include speaking loudly or pacing, but abusive behaviors involve:
- Name-calling, humiliation, or put-downs.
- Twisting words or refusing to let you speak.
- Throwing objects or punching walls.
- Cheating or treating you as inferior.
- Using coldness or withdrawal to punish.
His problem isn't that he's angry; it's that he's abusive and disrespectful.
No justification. There is no excuse for verbal abuse, intimidation, or any form of mistreatment. When he blames his actions on his feelings, he's using an excuse. His behavior is a choice, driven by his attitudes and desire for power, not by uncontrollable emotions or anything you did.
2. Your Partner's Actions Are His Responsibility, Not Yours.
I don’t make him do the things he does. When men blame women for their own behavior, that’s one of the benchmarks of abuse.
Reject blame. Abusive men excel at shifting blame, making you believe his actions are a reaction to your faults or behavior. He might claim you control him, demean him, or cause his anger. This tactic allows him to avoid accountability and maintain his sense of superiority.
Individual accountability. Establish a deep internal decision: you are 100% responsible for your actions, and he is 100% responsible for his. Your behavior, whether perceived as good or bad, does not justify his mistreatment. His choices are his own, and he is accountable for their effects, regardless of his intentions.
No excuses. His past hardships, stress, or even your perceived shortcomings are never valid reasons for his abusive behavior. If he's upset, he has non-abusive ways to express it. Don't internalize his excuses or make them for him; doing so erodes your self-worth and perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
3. Trust Your Reality and Resist His Crazy-Making Tactics.
He’s trying to convince me that I’m delusional. But I know I’m fine. He really did those things.
Gaslighting is real. Abusive partners frequently deny obvious events, twist your words, or insist you're imagining things. This "crazy-making behavior" is designed to undermine your sanity, make you doubt your memory, and increase your dependence on his version of reality.
Recognize the tactics. Be aware of common crazy-making behaviors:
- Denying furious yelling or alcohol use.
- Claiming important events never happened.
- Acting victimized after his own terrible actions.
- Insisting "everyone knows" you're wrong.
- Sabotaging things then blaming you.
These are deliberate attempts to confuse and control you.
Anchor your truth. To resist brainwashing, cultivate daily rituals that affirm your mental clarity. Keep a journal to record events and your feelings, providing a factual record against his distortions. Connect with trusted friends or relatives who can validate your perceptions and confirm your sanity. Your mind works fine; he is pouring glue into its workings.
4. Prioritize Self-Care and Rebuild Your Self-Worth.
I’m still here; I’m still on my feet. I will keep moving until I find the freedom and peace I deserve.
Reclaim your value. An abusive partner systematically devalues you, making you feel worthless, stupid, or unattractive. His criticisms are often a reflection of his own insecurities or a tactic to control you, not an accurate assessment of your character. You are a smart, capable, and resilient person, despite his attempts to convince you otherwise.
Nurture yourself. It's vital to redirect your caretaking energy inward. Make a conscious effort to do things for yourself daily, even small ones. This includes:
- Eating healthful food and exercising.
- Taking relaxing baths or stretching.
- Engaging in hobbies or activities you enjoy.
- Prioritizing your emotional needs over his constant demands.
Your needs are important and should not be pushed to the bottom of the list.
Break self-abuse. His negative messages can creep into your own thoughts, leading to self-criticism and self-blame. Actively challenge these internal put-downs. Remind yourself that his voice is not your voice, and refuse to sink to his level of negativity. Maintaining your integrity and self-respect is crucial for your healing and empowerment.
5. Break Isolation and Nurture Supportive Connections.
I’m not going to let anything get between me and my women friends.
Isolation is a weapon. Abusive partners actively work to isolate you from friends and family, criticizing your loved ones or making it difficult for you to see them. This isolation increases his control by making his voice the only one you hear, and by eroding your support system.
Value your allies. Your friends and relatives are your natural allies and a vital source of strength. Fight fiercely to protect these relationships. Be cautious of his "concern" about your family; often, he's bothered by their positive influence and support for your independence.
Rebuild connections. Actively work to strengthen your social network:
- Reach out to old friends and make new ones.
- Prioritize time with loved ones, even if it means being secretive.
- Express appreciation and gratitude to those who support you.
- Give back to your friends, showing interest in their lives and offering support.
Interdependence is healthier than isolation. People want to help when they see their assistance is valued and used well.
6. Protect Your Children and Teach Them Healthy Dynamics.
My children and I are a team. We belong together.
You are their rock. In a home with an abusive parent, children are deeply affected, even if they don't show it. You are their primary protector, moral compass, and source of love. Your role becomes even more critical when their father is selfish or abusive.
Counter his influence. Your partner's negative attitudes and behaviors can be absorbed by your children. You must actively counter this by:
- Modeling kindness, patience, and respect.
- Listening carefully to their feelings and validating their experiences.
- Teaching them the difference between good and bad secrets.
- Setting firm but kind limits on their misbehavior, without shaming them.
Your children need to know that you recognize the problems in their father's behavior and that you are on their side.
Teach healthy relationships. Prepare your children for healthy relationships by discussing:
- Mutual respect and equality in partnerships.
- That jealousy is not love.
- The importance of consent in sexual interactions.
- How to resolve conflicts fairly and respectfully.
- That feelings are not an excuse for bad behavior.
Your children learn more from your actions than his words.
7. Healing is a Personal Journey, Not Dependent on His Change.
As torn down as I feel, I am still a fully intact human being, ready to rise again.
Healing is possible. Despite the profound emotional injuries inflicted by an abusive partner, your spirit has an almost unlimited capacity to heal. This healing can begin even while you are still in the relationship, but it requires intentional effort and often, distance from the source of harm.
Diverse paths to healing. There are many effective avenues for healing, and what works for one person may not for another. Explore options that resonate with you:
- Support groups for abused women.
- Journal writing to process thoughts and feelings.
- Yoga, meditation, or spending time in nature.
- Connecting with validating friends and relatives.
- Therapy with a trauma-informed professional.
Commit to a healing path, give it time, and combine multiple approaches for best results.
Let go of convincing him. It's natural to want your partner to acknowledge his wrongdoing and change, but this desire can keep you trapped. Abusive men are deeply invested in their distorted thinking and rarely change without years of serious, self-initiated effort. Focus your energy on your own clarity and healing, rather than trying to make him "see" the truth.
8. Recognize His Manipulative Tactics and Double Standards.
He’s a master at twisting everything around. He’s trying to make me cross-eyed, but I’m not going to let it happen.
"Constructive criticism" is often a put-down. Abusive men frequently disguise insults as helpful feedback, blaming you for being "too sensitive" if you react negatively. True constructive criticism is respectful, focuses on behavior (not character), and acknowledges the giver's own imperfections. His "criticism" is designed to tear you down and control you.
The opposite game. He constantly flips reality, accusing you of the very behaviors he exhibits.
- He controls you, then calls you "controlling."
- He attacks you, then claims he's defending himself.
- He flirts, then calls you "insecure" for being jealous.
- He's selfish, then calls you "demanding."
This tactic is designed to confuse you and make you doubt your perceptions.
Double standards. A hallmark of abuse is his insistence on different rules for himself than for you. He expects privileges and excuses for his behavior, while holding you to an impossible standard of perfection. Recognize this pattern as a clear sign of his disrespect and entitlement.
9. Your Safety and Freedom Are Non-Negotiable Rights.
I deserve to feel safe in my relationship all the time, no matter what.
Inalienable rights. Your human rights extend to your private life and intimate relationships. No partner has the right to take them away. These include:
- Freedom of speech and expression.
- Control over your own body and sexuality.
- The right to economic well-being and independence.
- Freedom of association with friends and family.
- The right to safety and integrity.
His control is a violation of these fundamental rights.
Trust your fear. If you feel afraid of your partner, take those feelings seriously. Your intuition is a crucial warning system. Don't dismiss your fear as "overreacting" or blame it on your past. An intimate relationship should never be a place of fear, regardless of his anger or intentions.
Prioritize safety. Safety must be the top priority in any relationship. Without it, love, passion, and companionship are fleeting illusions. If your partner creates an unsafe environment, whether through threats, intimidation, or crazy-making behavior, he is violating your fundamental right to peace and security.
10. His "Good Periods" and Promises Are a Trap.
I deserve a partner I can count on to be good to me every day.
Intermittent reinforcement. Abusive partners often cycle between periods of cruelty and intense kindness or charm. These "good periods" act as a psychological trap, hooking you more deeply than if he were consistently bad. The unpredictable rewards make you work harder to please him, hoping to bring back the "good" man.
False hope. His apologies and promises to change, no matter how sincere they seem, rarely lead to lasting transformation. Deep personal change requires years of consistent, honest effort, not quick fixes or sudden awakenings. Relying on his promises will lead to repeated heartbreak.
Recognize the pattern. The more years of mistreatment that have passed, the more his small improvements are a sign of trauma bonding, not genuine change. Don't let the "5 percent solution" deceive you. His good periods are often followed by a return to abusive behavior, draining your emotional energy and reinforcing the cycle.
11. Build Your Independence, Whether You Stay or Leave.
I need to be more independent whether I stay with him or not.
Empower yourself now. Don't wait until you decide to leave to start building your independence. Developing self-reliance—emotionally, financially, and socially—will improve your well-being regardless of your relationship status. It also empowers you to make clearer decisions about your future.
Economic self-sufficiency. Take concrete steps to secure your financial independence:
- Open a separate bank account.
- Save money secretly.
- Plan for a job or pursue education/training.
- Learn about personal money management.
Financial abuse is a common tactic, and protecting your resources is crucial for your freedom.
Emotional and social strength. Cultivate a strong inner life and robust external connections. Be kind and loving to yourself, and invest less energy in your partner while nurturing friendships and family ties. A wider social network reduces your dependence on any single person and strengthens your belief in your own worth.
12. Embrace Your Strength and Vision for a Better Life.
I am ready to have the upcoming year bring me new life.
Reclaim your identity. Your partner's abuse can make you lose touch with your true self and your dreams. This is a time for self-discovery, to cast aside his distorted image of you and reconnect with the intelligent, capable, and good person you truly are. Your identity is yours to define.
Visualize your future. Allow yourself to dream again. Remember the fantasies you had as a child and the ambitions you held before the relationship. Your spirit needs these dreams to stay alive. Start making small, actionable steps towards the life you envision, even if it feels distant now.
A humane philosophy. Reject his toxic philosophies of judgment, competition, and conditional love. Instead, cultivate a life based on unconditional love, mutual encouragement, and respect. Your vision for a kind, happy, and dignified life is valid and achievable. You have the power to create an atmosphere of kindness and appreciation in your home and life.
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