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人性的弱点:为新一代领导者更新版

人性的弱点:为新一代领导者更新版

作者 戴尔·卡耐基 2022 317
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核心要点

1. 避免批评、谴责与抱怨

批评无益,因为它让人产生防御心理,往往促使他们竭力为自己辩解。批评危险在于它伤害了人的自尊,打击了他们的自我价值感,并激起怨恨。

人性的防御机制。 人们很少自我责备,即便是臭名昭著的罪犯如阿尔·卡彭或“两枪”克劳利也不例外。批评会立即引发防御反应,使人们更倾向于为自己的行为辩护,而非承认错误。这种根深蒂固的人性特征使得直接批评难以带来真正改变。

斯金纳的发现。 世界著名心理学家B.F.斯金纳的实验表明,动物在受到良好行为的奖励时,学习速度更快且记忆更持久,而受到惩罚则效果不佳。这一原理同样适用于人类;批评往往无法带来持久改变,反而滋生怨恨,而积极的强化则促进成长。

林肯的智慧。 亚伯拉罕·林肯年轻时因批评言论差点引发决斗,后来学会几乎不批评他人。即使在内战将领犯下严重错误时,他也选择沉默,深知“不要论断人,免得你们被论断”。他明白人们“在类似境遇下也会如此”,主张以理解代替谴责。

2. 给予真诚而诚恳的赞赏

人性中最深切的渴望是被欣赏。

普遍的人类渴望。 对重要感和被欣赏的需求,是人类最根本的欲望之一,几乎与食物和睡眠的需求同等强烈。满足他人的“心灵饥渴”是影响他们、建立牢固关系并激发最佳表现的强大途径。

施瓦布的秘诀。 美国钢铁公司首任总裁查尔斯·施瓦布将自己百万美元的薪水归功于“激发员工热情”的能力,而非钢铁技术。他“渴望赞美,却厌恶挑剔”,深知批评扼杀雄心,赞赏则孕育雄心。

超越奉承。 真诚的赞赏非廉价的奉承,后者自私、肤浅且易被识破。真正的赞赏发自内心,认可他人的真实优点。这一常被忽视的美德能改变生命与关系,培养忠诚、幸福和追求卓越的动力,正如爱丽丝·福特·麦克杜格尔以感恩为基石建立的商业帝国所示。

3. 激发他人强烈的欲望

首先,要激发对方强烈的欲望。能做到这一点的人,拥有全世界;做不到的人,孤独前行。

聚焦他们的需求。 影响他人行动的唯一途径,是让他们自己渴望去做。不要谈论自己的需求或愿望,而是全心关注对方想要什么,并展示你的建议如何帮助他们实现目标。

实际应用。 这一原则普遍适用,无论是对孩子、员工还是客户。例如,不是简单告诫孩子不要吸烟,而是告诉他们吸烟如何影响运动表现。谈判时,站在对方角度,强调提议对他们的好处。

互利共赢。 通过理解对方利益,展示你的方案如何惠及他们,创造双赢局面。这种方法能将抵触转为合作,正如戴尔·卡耐基在与酒店经理谈判租金时,关注对方利弊而非自身利益所体现的。

4. 培养对他人的真诚兴趣

你若真诚关心别人,两个月内能交到的朋友,比你花两年时间让别人关心你还多。

狗的启示。 狗教给我们深刻的道理:真诚无私的关爱能赢得人心。人们天生关注自己,而非你。要交朋友,需将注意力从“让自己变得有趣”转向“真心关心别人”。

记住名字,微笑相迎。 简单的举动如记住对方名字——“任何语言中最甜美、最重要的声音”——并以真诚温暖的微笑问候,能瞬间拉近关系。这些细节让人感到被重视、重要且被铭记。

罗斯福的人气。 西奥多·罗斯福之所以广受欢迎,源于他对每个人的真诚关心,从贴身侍从到厨房女工。他记住名字,关心生活,使人感受到自身价值。这证明真正的联系来自于关心他人,让人感到特别和被欣赏。

5. 避免争论以赢得胜利

赢得争论的唯一方法就是避免争论。

徒劳的胜利。 争论几乎总是适得其反。即使你“赢了”,逻辑上证明对方错误,也常常失去他们的好感、自尊和尊重。俗话说:“被迫信服的人,心里依旧不服。”

以和为贵。 不要直接指出别人错误,采用外交手段。诸如“我可能错了,我经常错。让我们一起看看事实”之类的话语能化解对方防备,促使他们开放心态,避免被攻击感。

勇于承认错误。 若你错了,应迅速且坚定地承认。这能解除对方戒备,减少防御心理,常常换来对方更宽容的态度。承认错误需要勇气和高尚品格,能将潜在冲突转化为理解与尊重,正如作者与骑警的故事所示。

6. 引导他人接受你的观点

你对自己发现的观点,比别人递给你的更有信心,不是吗?

自我发现的力量。 人们对自己认为是“自我发现”的观点更有承诺感。与其命令,不如提出建议,让他们自己得出结论。这种方式培养归属感和热情,使他们更愿意付诸行动。

协商与合作。 寻求合作时,邀请他人参与决策。提问、倾听意见,让他们贡献想法。这让他们感到被重视,更可能支持最终结果,正如尤金·韦森在征求买家对草图意见时体会到的。

豪斯上校的技巧。 伍德罗·威尔逊总统的顾问豪斯上校,通过巧妙植入想法,让威尔逊“自我发现”这些观点。这种方法重视结果胜过个人功劳,使他人乐于执行他们认为是自己主导的计划,营造共同创造的氛围。

7. 以崇高动机和挑战激励行动

人们做事通常有两个理由:一个听起来高尚,另一个才是真正原因。

诉诸理想主义。 每个人内心深处都希望被视为高尚、无私和正直。影响他人时,应诉诸他们“听起来高尚”的动机,激发自尊和行善愿望,往往比单纯诉诸私利更有效。

生动传达信息。 仅仅陈述事实不足以打动人心;思想需要生动、有趣且富有戏剧性,才能吸引注意力并激发行动。运用表演、示范或创意呈现,使观点难以忘怀,正如《费城晚报》将新闻内容出版成书《一天》所示。

提出挑战。 激励有志之士,唤起他们争先恐后、证明自我价值和赢得胜利的欲望。挑战能点燃热情和动力,推动人们实现看似不可能的目标,正如查尔斯·施瓦布在工厂地板上写下生产数字,激发竞争和产量提升。

8. 以赞美开头,间接纠正

赞美如阳光般温暖人心,没有它,我们无法绽放成长。

先赞后改。 必须指出错误时,务必先给予真诚赞美和诚恳欣赏。这如同牙医钻牙前注射麻药,使人更易接受改进建议。此法维护尊严,促进积极回应。

间接且温和地纠正。 避免直接批评。可间接指出错误,或先谈自己类似失误,保护对方自尊,促进合作而非怨恨,正如约翰·瓦纳梅克悄悄亲自服务顾客,而非训斥闲聊的销售员。

树立美好声誉与鼓励。 赋予他人值得追求的良好声誉,他们会努力达成。让错误看似易于改正,并对哪怕微小进步慷慨鼓励,培养信心,激发成长,使人乐于接受建议,将“麻烦制造者”转变为领导者,正如露丝·霍普金斯女士对“可怕汤米”的做法。

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读者评价

4.38 满分 5
基于 3,000+ 来自 GoodreadsAmazon 的评分.

《如何赢取朋友与影响他人》被广泛誉为永不过时的自助经典,提供了关于人际交往技巧和领导力的实用建议。许多读者认为书中关于善意、同理心以及真诚关心他人的原则具有深远的改变力。其对话式的写作风格和生动的故事使内容引人入胜,尽管部分评论者认为其内容有些重复或显得过时。大多数人赞赏其强调基本人性善良的立场,但也有少数人质疑其在现代环境中的适用性。总体而言,本书依然被高度推荐用于提升社交和职业关系,许多人视其为个人成长的必读之作。

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常见问题

1. What is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie about?

  • Foundational self-improvement guide: The book is a classic manual on human relations, teaching practical principles for improving interpersonal skills and building genuine relationships.
  • Focus on empathy and understanding: Carnegie emphasizes seeing things from others’ perspectives, fostering empathy, appreciation, and effective communication.
  • Timeless leadership advice: The book provides actionable strategies for leading and influencing others positively in both personal and professional contexts.
  • Real-life examples: Carnegie uses anecdotes and stories to illustrate his points, making the advice relatable and easy to apply.

2. Why should I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie?

  • Proven, universal techniques: The book’s principles have helped millions improve their relationships and communication skills across generations and cultures.
  • Builds confidence and influence: Readers learn how to handle disagreements, admit mistakes, and inspire cooperation without conflict.
  • Applicable to all walks of life: Whether you’re a businessperson, student, or homemaker, the advice is relevant and practical for anyone seeking social or professional success.
  • Foundation for leadership: The book’s strategies are essential for anyone aspiring to lead, motivate, or inspire others.

3. What are the key takeaways from "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie?

  • Human relations can be learned: Effective interaction is a skill that can be developed through practice and understanding.
  • Empathy and appreciation matter: Sincere appreciation and seeing things from others’ viewpoints are central to building influence.
  • Avoid criticism and arguments: Criticism breeds resentment, and arguments rarely change minds; positive reinforcement is more effective.
  • Influence through shared interests: Appealing to others’ desires and interests is more persuasive than focusing on your own.

4. What are the fundamental techniques in handling people according to Dale Carnegie?

  • Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain: Criticism wounds pride and arouses resentment, making it counterproductive.
  • Give honest and sincere appreciation: Genuine recognition satisfies the deep human need to feel important and motivates positive behavior.
  • Arouse in the other person an eager want: Influence others by showing how your ideas benefit them, not just yourself.

5. What are the six ways to make people like you in "How to Win Friends and Influence People"?

  • Become genuinely interested in others: Show authentic care and curiosity about people’s lives and interests.
  • Smile sincerely: A warm smile makes you approachable and likable, setting a positive tone.
  • Remember and use names: Using someone’s name demonstrates respect and personal attention.
  • Be a good listener: Encourage others to talk about themselves and listen attentively.
  • Talk in terms of others’ interests: Engage people by discussing what matters to them.
  • Make others feel important sincerely: Recognize and appreciate others’ worth in a genuine way.

6. How does Dale Carnegie recommend making a good first impression?

  • Smile genuinely: A real smile conveys warmth and makes others feel welcome.
  • Show enthusiasm and warmth: Positive energy and interest in others attract people to you.
  • Control your attitude: Acting cheerful and friendly, even if you don’t feel like it, can influence both your mood and others’ reactions.

7. What does Dale Carnegie say about remembering and using people’s names?

  • Names are powerful: A person’s name is the “sweetest and most important sound” to them, showing respect and attention.
  • Requires effort and focus: Remembering names involves concentration, repetition, and association.
  • Builds goodwill: Using names makes people feel valued and can open doors in both business and social settings.

8. How does "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie suggest handling criticism and complaints?

  • Criticism is usually futile: It puts people on the defensive and rarely leads to lasting change.
  • Understand before judging: Try to see why people behave as they do, which fosters sympathy and kindness.
  • Use encouragement and appreciation: Rewarding good behavior is more effective than punishing bad behavior.

9. What are the key principles for winning people to your way of thinking in Dale Carnegie’s book?

  • Avoid arguments: Arguments harden opposition and rarely change minds.
  • Show respect for opinions: Never say “You’re wrong”; acknowledge others’ viewpoints to reduce defensiveness.
  • Admit mistakes quickly: Owning up to errors disarms hostility and builds trust.
  • Begin in a friendly way: Friendliness softens resistance and opens doors to cooperation.
  • Let others feel the idea is theirs: People are more committed to ideas they believe they originated.

10. How does Dale Carnegie recommend handling disagreements and arguments?

  • Avoid arguments altogether: The best way to win an argument is to avoid it.
  • Listen first and calmly: Allow others to express themselves fully before responding.
  • Look for areas of agreement: Start with shared points to create common ground.
  • Admit errors honestly: Quickly admitting mistakes disarms hostility and fosters goodwill.

11. What is the importance of seeing things from the other person’s point of view in "How to Win Friends and Influence People"?

  • Empathy reduces conflict: Understanding others’ perspectives helps you respond more effectively and avoid offense.
  • Increases influence: Considering others’ viewpoints makes persuasion easier and relationships stronger.
  • Practical advice: Ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were in their shoes?” to gain insight and patience.
  • Real-life impact: Empathy can transform relationships at home and work by fostering understanding and cooperation.

12. What are the best quotes from "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie and what do they mean?

  • “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.” This highlights the futility of arguments and the importance of harmony in relationships.
  • “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Using names shows respect and personal attention.
  • “Give honest and sincere appreciation.” Genuine recognition motivates people and builds goodwill.
  • “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” Friendliness and kindness are more effective than criticism or hostility.
  • “Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.” Empathy is key to understanding and influencing others.

关于作者

戴尔·卡耐基是一位美国作家和演讲家,他从贫困中崛起,成为自我提升与人际交往技能教育的先驱。他最著名的著作《如何赢取朋友与影响他人》于1936年出版,至今仍是畅销书。卡耐基的教导强调通过改变自身行为来积极影响他人。他还著有《如何停止忧虑,开始生活》和《不为人知的林肯》等多部作品。卡耐基开设的公众演讲、销售技巧及企业培训课程广受欢迎,体现了他对个人成长力量的坚定信念,认为这能改变人生与人际关系。

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