How to Win Friends and Influence People

1. Avoid Criticism, Condemnation, and Complaint

Criticism is futile because it puts people on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

Human nature's defense. People rarely blame themselves, even notorious criminals like Al Capone or "Two Gun" Crowley. Criticism triggers an immediate defensive reaction, causing individuals to justify their actions rather than acknowledge fault. This inherent human tendency makes direct criticism an ineffective tool for change.

Skinner's findings. World-famous psychologist B.F. Skinner's experiments demonstrated that animals rewarded for good behavior learn much faster and retain lessons more effectively than those punished for bad behavior. This principle extends to humans; criticism doesn't lead to lasting change and often creates resentment, while positive reinforcement fosters growth.

Lincoln's wisdom. Abraham Lincoln, after a youthful incident that nearly led to a duel due to his critical writings, learned to almost never criticize others. Even when his Civil War generals blundered tragically, Lincoln held his peace, understanding that "Judge not, that ye be not judged." He recognized that people are "just what we would be under similar circumstances," advocating for understanding over condemnation.

2. Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

Universal human hunger. The desire for importance and appreciation is a fundamental human urge, almost as deep and imperious as the need for food or sleep. Satisfying this "heart hunger" in others is a powerful way to influence them, build strong relationships, and inspire their best efforts.

Schwab's secret. Charles Schwab, the first president of U.S. Steel, attributed his million-dollar salary not to his technical knowledge of steel, but to his ability to "arouse enthusiasm among my people" through "appreciation and encouragement." He was "anxious to praise but loath to find fault," understanding that criticism kills ambition while praise fosters it.

Beyond flattery. Sincere appreciation is not cheap flattery, which is selfish, shallow, and easily seen through. True appreciation comes from the heart, recognizing genuine good points in others. This often-neglected virtue can transform lives and relationships, fostering loyalty, happiness, and a desire to excel, as seen in the success of Alice Foote MacDougall's business built on gratitude.

3. Arouse an Eager Want in Others

First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

Focus on their desires. The only way to influence anyone to do anything is to make them want to do it. Instead of talking about your own needs or desires, focus entirely on what the other person wants and then demonstrate how your suggestion helps them achieve their goals.

Practical application. This principle applies universally, whether you're dealing with children, employees, or customers. For instance, instead of telling children not to smoke, show them how it might hinder their athletic performance. When negotiating, consider the other person's perspective and frame your proposal in terms of their benefits.

Mutual benefit. By understanding the other person's interests and demonstrating how your proposal benefits them, you create a win-win situation. This approach transforms resistance into cooperation, as Dale Carnegie did when negotiating hotel rent by focusing on the hotel manager's advantages and disadvantages, rather than his own.

4. Cultivate Genuine Interest in People

You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.

The dog's lesson. Dogs teach us a profound lesson: genuine, unselfish affection wins hearts. People are inherently interested in themselves, not in you. To make friends, shift your focus from trying to be interesting to being genuinely interested in others.

Remember names and smile. Simple acts like remembering a person's name—which is "the sweetest and most important sound in any language"—and greeting them with a sincere, heartwarming smile can create instant rapport. These small gestures make people feel valued, important, and remembered.

Roosevelt's popularity. Theodore Roosevelt's immense popularity stemmed from his genuine interest in everyone, from his valet to scullery maids. He remembered names, inquired about their lives, and made them feel significant. This demonstrated that true connection comes from caring about others, making people feel special and appreciated.

5. Win Arguments by Avoiding Them

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Futile victories. Arguments are almost always counterproductive. Even if you "win" by logically proving someone wrong, you often lose their goodwill, pride, and respect. As the saying goes, "A man convinced against his will / Is of the same opinion still."

Diplomacy over confrontation. Instead of directly stating someone is wrong, use diplomacy. Phrases like "I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let's examine the facts" disarm opponents and invite cooperation. This approach encourages them to be open-minded, too, and prevents them from feeling attacked.

Admit your mistakes. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. This disarms the other person, reduces defensiveness, and often leads to a more generous and forgiving attitude from them. It takes courage and nobility to admit fault, turning potential conflict into understanding and respect, as seen in the story of the author and the mounted policeman.

6. Guide Others to Your Ideas

Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter?

Self-discovery is powerful. People are more committed to ideas they feel are their own. Instead of dictating, make suggestions and let others arrive at the conclusion themselves. This fosters ownership and enthusiasm, making them more likely to act on the idea.

Consult and collaborate. When seeking cooperation, involve others in the decision-making process. Ask questions, listen to their input, and let them contribute their ideas. This makes them feel valued and more likely to support the final outcome, as Eugene Wesson discovered when he asked a buyer for input on sketches.

Colonel House's technique. Woodrow Wilson's advisor, Colonel House, influenced the President by subtly planting ideas in his mind, allowing Wilson to "discover" them as his own. This approach prioritizes results over personal credit, making others happy to act on what they perceive as their own initiative, fostering a sense of shared creation.

7. Inspire Action Through Nobler Motives and Challenge

A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

Appeal to idealism. Everyone, deep down, likes to see themselves as fine, unselfish, and honorable. When trying to influence someone, appeal to their nobler motives—the reasons that "sound good." This taps into their self-respect and desire to do the right thing, often yielding better results than appealing to self-interest alone.

Dramatize your message. Merely stating facts isn't enough; ideas need to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic to capture attention and inspire action. Use showmanship, demonstrations, or creative presentations to make your point unforgettable, as the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin did by publishing its news content as a book called "One Day."

Throw down a challenge. To motivate people of spirit, appeal to their desire to excel, to prove their worth, and to win. A challenge can ignite enthusiasm and drive, pushing individuals to achieve what they might have thought impossible, as Charles Schwab did by writing production numbers on the factory floor, sparking competition and increased output.

8. Lead with Praise and Indirect Correction

Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.

Begin with praise. When you must find fault, always start with sincere praise and honest appreciation. This "lathers" the person, making them more receptive to hearing about areas for improvement, much like a dentist uses Novocain before drilling. This approach preserves dignity and encourages a positive response.

Correct indirectly and gently. Avoid direct criticism. Instead, call attention to mistakes indirectly, or talk about your own similar mistakes first. This saves the other person's pride and encourages cooperation rather than resentment, as seen when John Wanamaker quietly served a customer himself rather than scolding his chatting salespeople.

Empower through reputation and encouragement. Give people a fine reputation to live up to, and they will strive to embody it. Make faults seem easy to correct, and be lavish with encouragement for even the slightest improvement. This fosters confidence, inspires growth, and makes people happy to do what you suggest, transforming "troublemakers" into leaders, as Mrs. Ruth Hopkins did with "Terrible Tommy."

Last updated: October 24, 2025