Key Takeaways
1. Navigating Faith and Personal Choices in a Strict Environment
I’m not a rule-breaker, but I’ve always been intrigued by things that are off-limits—in part because I’ve never been told the reasoning behind a lot of Mormon rules.
Early life paradox. Growing up Mormon in Southern California, the author experienced a tension between strict religious guidelines and a natural curiosity about the world beyond those boundaries. While her family was religious, they often bent rules, creating a "gray area" that fueled her intrigue for the forbidden, especially when the "why" behind certain rules remained unexplained. This early exposure to a nuanced interpretation of faith set the stage for later struggles with the BYU Honor Code.
Intrigue with the forbidden. The author's curiosity about "off-limits" things, like drinking and drugs, was piqued by her early interactions with figures like Cole, who had a "bad boy" reputation. This fascination wasn't rooted in rebellion but in a desire to understand the rationale behind the rules, particularly when they seemed to apply differently to men and women, or when artificial substances were permitted while natural ones were not. This intellectual curiosity often clashed with the black-and-white expectations of her faith.
Seeking understanding. The author's journey highlights the challenge of adhering to a strict religious code without a deep personal understanding of its purpose. Her internal conflict stemmed from a desire to be a "good Mormon" while simultaneously questioning the logic and fairness of certain doctrines. This internal struggle would later be exacerbated by external pressures and personal experiences, pushing her further into a cycle of rule-breaking and guilt.
2. The Insidious Nature and Lasting Scars of Abuse
I realize, cleaning my leg in his bathroom, that something is really wrong here—that my dad was right.
Erosion of self-worth. The relationship with Dick began with love-bombing and quickly devolved into a cycle of manipulation, jealousy, and emotional abuse. His constant need for validation, coupled with his possessive behavior, chipped away at the author's confidence, making her question her own perceptions and worth. This created a dangerous dynamic where she felt increasingly trapped and isolated.
Physical and psychological trauma. The abuse escalated from verbal attacks and controlling behavior to physical violence, including choking and self-harm threats that resulted in her own injury. Dick weaponized the BYU Honor Code, using the threat of reporting her for drinking and sex to maintain control, leaving her feeling unable to seek help without jeopardizing her scholarship and future. This constant fear and the physical assaults left deep, unhealed wounds.
Disassociation and denial. To cope with the escalating abuse, the author often disassociated during sexual encounters and denied the severity of her situation, even to herself. The trauma was so profound that she struggled to define what was happening, initially not even recognizing the term "rape" for her experiences. This denial, coupled with the blackmail, made it impossible to escape the cycle of abuse, leading to a profound sense of shame and self-blame.
3. Confronting Unexpected Pregnancy Amidst Profound Loss
How could I explain via Instagram what it felt like to learn—at that dingy restaurant with my mom—that Arik died while texting me to ask for forgiveness, to tell me that I deserved better, to say that he loved me?
A whirlwind of emotions. The author's relationship with Arik was a stark contrast to her previous abusive one, offering fun, laughter, and a sense of freedom. However, this newfound happiness was abruptly shattered by his sudden death in a car crash, which occurred while he was texting her. This tragic event, coupled with the recent discovery of his infidelity, plunged her into a complex emotional landscape of grief, guilt, and profound shock.
The weight of responsibility. Learning that Arik died while texting her to apologize and express his love led to immense self-blame. She agonized over "what-if" scenarios, questioning if her harsh words or actions contributed to his death. This personal responsibility, combined with the public scrutiny and social media frenzy surrounding his passing, made her grief incredibly isolating and difficult to process.
An unexpected future. Amidst the overwhelming grief, the author discovered she was pregnant with Arik's baby. This revelation transformed her sorrow into a terrifying uncertainty about her future as a young, single mother. The unexpected pregnancy, coupled with the loss of her baby's father, forced her to confront a life path she never envisioned, adding another layer of complexity to her already profound emotional turmoil.
4. The Arduous Path to Healing and Self-Forgiveness
I wish I could go back in time to show her this moment.
Confronting self-blame. Following Arik's death, the author grappled with intense self-blame, believing her actions contributed to his fatal accident. This guilt, combined with the trauma from her previous abusive relationship, led to a deep depression and self-destructive thoughts. Her journey to healing involved slowly disentangling her grief for Arik from the unhealed wounds inflicted by Dick.
Seeking external validation. Initially, the author sought validation from others, even from the bishop who made her feel like a "slut" for her past actions. This external search for forgiveness often exacerbated her feelings of shame. It wasn't until she found supportive figures, like the BYU athletic director and later a therapist, who offered kindness and understanding, that she began to believe in her own worth.
The turning point of motherhood. The birth of her son, Hudson, marked a significant shift in her healing process. The overwhelming love and purpose she felt as a mother began to dissipate the anxiety and depression that had plagued her during pregnancy. This new role provided a powerful motivation to be strong and resilient, not just for herself, but for her child, allowing her to slowly move towards self-forgiveness and acceptance.
5. Rebuilding a Life and Redefining Personal Success
My life isn’t over, I can still become who I was meant to be and more.
Derailed aspirations. The author's initial dreams of a D1 tennis career and becoming a stay-at-home mom were shattered by her experiences. Her academic performance suffered, and her athletic identity was challenged by injury and team drama. This forced her to re-evaluate her life's direction and find new avenues for fulfillment beyond her original plans.
Finding new purpose. The birth of Hudson, coupled with the trauma she endured, became a catalyst for self-improvement and a redefinition of success. She returned to BYU with renewed determination, excelling academically and eventually finding a passion for broadcast journalism and digital marketing. This shift from a purely athletic focus to a career-oriented path demonstrated her resilience and adaptability.
Embracing the comeback. Despite facing significant setbacks, including an ACL tear, the author's competitive spirit drove her to fight for her place on the tennis team and in life. Her journey back to the court, even with a new knee, symbolized her refusal to be defined by her past. This "comeback era" was not just about sports, but about proving to herself and her son that she could overcome any obstacle.
6. Finding Authentic Love and Building a Supportive Family
You accepted Hudson as if he were your own from day one.
A cautious new beginning. After the trauma of her past relationships, the author approached new connections with caution, especially as a single mother. Her initial interactions with Jacob were rooted in friendship, and she was hesitant to commit due to his younger age, his mission plans, and her fear of getting hurt again. However, Jacob's consistent kindness, patience, and genuine affection for Hudson gradually won her over.
Unconditional acceptance. Jacob's immediate and unwavering acceptance of Hudson as his own child was a pivotal factor in the author's ability to trust and fall in love again. He actively participated in Hudson's life, from playing with him to driving him on long trips, demonstrating a commitment that transcended typical dating expectations. This unconditional love for her son solidified his place in her heart and helped heal past wounds.
Building a shared future. Despite initial uncertainties and Jacob's wavering decision about a mission, their relationship deepened through open communication and shared vulnerability. They navigated family expectations and personal doubts, ultimately choosing to build a life together. Their engagement and marriage symbolized a new chapter of stability, love, and a complete family unit, providing the "happily ever after" she once thought impossible.
7. Transforming Personal Trauma into Public Advocacy
I don’t need them to hear me or to understand my side of the story. I just need to speak my truth.
Finding a voice. After years of silence and shame surrounding her experiences with abuse, unexpected pregnancy, and loss, the author found a powerful outlet in writing her blog. This act of sharing her story, initially a personal coping mechanism, evolved into a mission to help others facing similar challenges. It was a courageous step to reclaim her narrative and break free from the silence imposed by her past.
Impact and validation. The blog quickly gained a significant following, with thousands of women reaching out to share their own stories and express gratitude for her honesty. This overwhelming positive feedback provided immense validation, reinforcing her belief that her hardships had a purpose beyond personal suffering. It transformed her role from victim to advocate, empowering her to speak her truth without seeking external approval.
Navigating public scrutiny. While the majority of feedback was supportive, sharing her story publicly also brought criticism and accusations, particularly from Dick's family and anonymous "burner accounts." However, having endured far greater personal battles, the author developed a strong sense of self and resilience against judgment. She understood that speaking her truth was essential for her own healing and for helping others, regardless of external opinions.
8. Embracing Vulnerability and the Power of Professional Help
He’s the first person who tells me I was raped. He says it simply, facing me and pronouncing the words slowly and calmly.
Breaking the silence. For years, the author struggled to articulate the full extent of the abuse she endured, even to herself. The term "rape" was difficult to apply to her experiences, leading to self-blame and a prolonged inability to heal. It was through therapy, specifically with a kind and understanding therapist at BYU, that she finally heard her trauma named accurately and compassionately.
Validation and clarity. The therapist's simple, direct acknowledgment that she was raped was a profound turning point. This validation, so different from the judgmental response of her bishop, allowed her to shed years of self-blame and begin to process the trauma. It helped her understand that she was a child at the time and that the abuse was Dick's fault, not hers.
Continued healing through EMDR. Even after finding clarity, the lingering effects of trauma, including flashbacks and emotional triggers, persisted. The author sought EMDR therapy, a specialized treatment for trauma, which further helped her process and integrate her past experiences. This commitment to ongoing mental health support demonstrated her dedication to holistic healing and her belief in the power of professional guidance.
9. Balancing Motherhood, Career, and Personal Fulfillment
I always assumed I’d be a stay-at-home mom, but I learn, in Texas, that I need something else to do. Something to make me feel fulfilled.
Redefining aspirations. The author's initial dream of being a stay-at-home mom was challenged by the realities of single parenthood and her evolving personal growth. Her time in Texas, isolated and grappling with the demands of childcare, revealed a deeper need for professional fulfillment beyond traditional roles. This experience sparked a desire for a career that would provide purpose and financial independence.
The hustle for stability. Returning to school and then entering the workforce, the author faced the dual challenge of supporting her family and pursuing her ambitions. She juggled demanding jobs at Goldman Sachs and New U Life with motherhood, often sacrificing personal time and social life. This period was marked by financial stress and the constant effort to balance work, childcare, and her burgeoning social media career.
Finding purpose in influence. Her unexpected success on TikTok and Instagram, initially a distraction, transformed into a viable career path. This allowed her to combine her personal story with her marketing skills, creating a platform to help others. The transition to full-time influencing, co-founding Babymama, and pursuing a reality TV show reflected her determination to build a life that was both financially secure and personally fulfilling, challenging traditional expectations for women in her community.
10. The Unpredictable Journey of IVF and Expanding a Family
This feels so different from the two pregnancy tests I took in college. Hugging Jacob in our bathroom, the test on the counter, I feel for that girl who sobbed for hours in the dark shower, convinced her life was over.
A deliberate path to parenthood. After the unexpected and traumatic first pregnancy, the author and Jacob embarked on the IVF journey with intention and hope. This process, undertaken for genetic reasons, was fraught with emotional and financial challenges, including the fear of failure, the physical demands of injections, and the agonizing wait for results. It was a stark contrast to her previous experiences, marked by planning and shared commitment.
Resilience through setbacks. The IVF process presented numerous hurdles, from the discovery of uterine polyps to a lower-than-expected egg retrieval count and the uncertainty of genetic testing. Each setback tested their resolve, but their shared desire for another child fueled their perseverance. The eventual success of one healthy embryo brought immense joy, highlighting the emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatments.
Celebrating a new beginning. The positive pregnancy test after the embryo transfer was a moment of profound relief and celebration, free from the shame and fear that accompanied her first pregnancy. This time, surrounded by Jacob's love and support, she could fully embrace the joy of expecting. The subsequent birth of Harlow, with Jacob by her side, symbolized the culmination of their journey, a testament to their resilience and the healing power of love and family.
