To Be a Man

1. Reimagine Manhood: Beyond the "Be a Man!" Trap

True masculine power is rooted in this dynamic blend of “soft” and “hard” attributes—showing up as a potent alignment of head, heart, and guts.

Deconstruct demands. The pervasive cultural demand to "be a man!" often does more harm than good, acting as a powerful shame amplifier. It pushes males towards emotional stoicism, aggressiveness, and an appearance of unwavering control, equating softness with weakness. This pressure can lead men to suppress their true feelings, making "getting over it" more important than "feeling it" or "going through it," ultimately shrinking them emotionally.

Beyond reactivity. Men often react to these rigid notions of manhood, either by hardening further or by rebelling into an overemphasis on "feminine" qualities. Neither reaction leads to authentic power. True masculine power, instead, arises from a dynamic blend of traditionally "soft" qualities—like vulnerability, empathy, and emotional literacy—coexisting with the capacity for skillful anger and decisive action. This potent alignment of head (rationality), heart (compassion), and guts (resolve) is the hallmark of healthy manhood.

Softening is strength. Softness in a man is frequently misconstrued as emasculation or weakness, often linked to sexual failure. However, softening is a profoundly healing act, creating space for pain, enriching deep relationships, and fostering flexibility and heartfulness. To be unapologetically vulnerable is not to be unmanned, but to be deepened in one's manhood, allowing for fierce compassion that is both forceful and caring.

2. Master Shame: From Crippling Humiliation to Empowering Humility

Shame left unattended, shame left in the shadows, is shame that will run us from behind the scenes, disempowering us and determining far more of our behavior than we might imagine.

Shame's hidden power. Shame is arguably the most powerful, yet hidden and misunderstood, emotional roadblock for men. It often rapidly mutates into aggression, emotional withdrawal, or numbness, serving as a "solution" to avoid its discomfort. This unseen force dictates much of men's emotional and relational lives, obstructing their capacity to face and work through unresolved wounds.

Healthy vs. toxic shame. It's crucial to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy shame. Healthy shame, directed at specific actions, triggers conscience and remorse, mobilizing us to set things right and opening our hearts. Unhealthy (toxic) shame, however, targets our very being, leading to humiliation, immobilization, and a closed heart, making us feel defective and degrading us for not measuring up.

Befriend your shame. The goal is not to eradicate shame, which is impossible, but to develop enough intimacy with it to prevent it from crushing or controlling you. This involves recognizing its signs—increased facial heat, loss of poise, defensiveness, self-criticism—and staying present with it. Facing shame takes immense courage, but it deepens vulnerability, compassion, and the capacity for truly intimate relationships, transforming humiliation into humility.

3. Integrate Your Shadow: Reclaim Your Disowned Self

Wherever we go, our shadow comes along. Pushing it away or ignoring it does not truly separate us from it.

Shadow's pervasive influence. Your shadow comprises all the elements and qualities within you that you are disconnected from, deny, push away, or project onto others. For many men, this includes shame, vulnerability, violent thoughts, or an appetite for porn—anything kept hidden. Denying its existence is merely another aspect of the shadow, which, despite being out of sight, drives much of our behavior and keeps us fragmented.

Recognize its grip. When you find yourself reactive, caught in old patterns, or emotionally shutting down, you are likely in your shadow's grip. It operates beneath your radar, making you act out behaviors you later regret. Examples include:

• Projecting your own shortcomings (e.g., poor listening) onto others.
• Driving ambition from a fear of poverty, rather than conscious choice.
• Denying your anger while criticizing others for theirs.

Cultivate intimacy. The optimal way to handle your shadow is not to avoid or fuse with it, but to develop intimacy. This means getting close enough to see and feel it in detail, without losing perspective. The purpose is to reclaim all disowned parts of yourself—high and low, dark and light—integrating them to become more whole and vital. This messy, yet rewarding, process frees you from being controlled by your conditioning, allowing you to live a deeper, more authentic life.

4. Transform Anger: From Destructive Aggression to Fierce Compassion

Anger and aggression are often taken to be the same thing, but they are not.

Anger's true nature. Anger is a heatedly aroused state combining a sense of being wronged and a pull to address it. It is not inherently negative or destructive; rather, it's a vital force for self-protection, boundary setting, and confronting injustice. However, anger often gets a bad reputation because it commonly mutates into aggression, hostility, or violence, especially for men who are socialized to express it without vulnerability.

Distinguish anger from aggression. The crucial distinction is that anger does not attack; aggression does. Aggression is anger stripped of its heart and care, dehumanizing the other through hostility, sarcasm, or violence. It's a choice, a way to avoid anger's innate vulnerability or underlying pain. Examples of unhealthy aggression include:

• Sarcasm: A heartless, shaming put-down.
• Contempt: A toxic mix of disgust, anger, and moral condescension.
• Passive aggression: Indirect, deliberate resistance.
• Heartless criticism: Shaming delivered without compassion.

Shift to healthy anger. The shift from aggression to healthy anger is a radical, life-enhancing conversion. It involves liberating anger's passion and forcefulness to coexist with compassion, making it a potent force for positive action. Healthy anger is vulnerable, takes responsibility, and protects what needs guarding without shaming or attacking. This "wrathful compassion" is essential for men to move forward, address injustice, and deepen relational closeness.

5. Embrace Vulnerability: The Foundation of Authentic Strength

To be unapologetically vulnerable is not to be unmanned, but to be deepened in your manhood.

Vulnerability's power. Vulnerability, defined as unguarded openness, is often equated with weakness or a lack of masculinity, especially for men who were shamed for showing emotion as boys. However, it is an act of profound courage and a vital source of strength. Without vulnerability, genuine intimacy is impossible, as it fosters transparency and self-disclosure, deepening connection with others.

Beyond stoicism. Many men, like Allen who grinds his teeth and hides his dreams, learn to numb themselves to present a stoic front, equating vulnerability with danger. This survival strategy, while effective in childhood, severely limits their capacity for deep relationships in adulthood. The path to authentic manhood requires shedding this armor and re-entering the tenderness and softness that were once desperately fled.

Discerning openness. Embracing vulnerability doesn't mean being indiscriminately open or abandoning boundaries. It requires discernment, choosing safe contexts, and openly admitting when you feel guarded. It's about stretching beyond your comfort zone, knowing that the resulting increase in depth, vitality, and connection makes the risk worthwhile. Vulnerability allows men to stand their ground emotionally, without locking themselves into armor or fleeing their hearts.

6. Cultivate Deep Intimacy: Relationship as a Path to Wholeness

Intimate relationship has been my greatest and most demanding teacher, having not only brought me deep happiness but also exposing my weaknesses, my zones of selfishness and unresolved wounding, my less-than-noble reasons for seeking such relationship.

Relationship as ashram. Intimate relationship is presented as the 21st century's ashram—a transformative growth center, not a retreat. It offers a unique environment for healing and awakening, demanding that men bring their full selves, including their flaws and unresolved wounds, into the open. This commitment to relational closeness and mutual growth is paramount for embodying full manhood.

Essential steps. Achieving authentic intimacy requires a multifaceted approach, moving beyond superficial connections. Key practices include:

• Loosening conditioning's grip by exploring past-present connections.
• Turning towards pain instead of distracting from it.
• Preventing anger/shame from becoming aggression.
• Embracing vulnerability, empathy, and emotional literacy.
• Knowing and integrating your shadow.
• Freeing sex from non-sexual obligations.
• Practicing accountability and integrity.

Beyond the double bind. Men often face a double bind: the pressure to be conventionally "manly" (aggressive, stoic) versus the need for relational qualities (vulnerability, emotional openness). This book urges men to step aside from this bind, aligning heart, guts, and head, and finding the courage to be their authentic selves. This journey not only deepens relationships but also fosters self-healing, making men more capable of genuine connection and less prone to dehumanizing others.

7. Unchain Your Sexuality: Free It from Wounds and Distraction

Sex is, in many ways, still in the dark.

Sex's hidden depths. Despite ubiquitous exposure and graphic portrayals, sex remains largely "in the dark," its deeper workings obscured by the non-sexual tasks we assign it. Many men use sex as a primary lure or narcotic, a quick fix to feel better, more secure, or more manly, rather than as an expression of already-present connection. This over-amplified drive, often fueled by underlying suffering, can lead to unhealthy attachments like pornography.

The selling of sex. Our culture relentlessly markets sex as a solution to various woes—stress, insecurity, loneliness. This leads men to saddle sex with immense hope and expectation, from de-stressing to proving worth. However, this "liberating power" often binds men, creating an addictive cycle where sex becomes a temporary escape from unresolved pain, rather than a genuine source of fulfillment.

Eroticized wounds. A critical insight is that unresolved wounds and unmet needs often get "eroticized," meaning their energetic charge is channeled into sexual contexts. For example, a boy rejected by his mother might eroticize the desire to be wanted, manifesting as fantasies of sexual control. This acts out old hurt sexually, rather than healing it. Unchaining sexuality requires recognizing these non-sexual underpinnings, stripping fantasies of their eroticism to reveal the core wounding, and consciously working through that pain.

8. Take Charge of Your Sexual Charge: Responsibility and Presence

A man who won’t take charge of his charge has not yet stepped into his true masculine power.

Own your arousal. A man is responsible for his sexual excitation (charge) from the moment it arises. While arousal can be reflexive, its amplification and transition into action are choices. Blaming external factors like a woman's appearance for one's arousal is a deflection of personal responsibility. Taking charge means recognizing that you control your internal "signal box" and "highway."

Beyond victimhood. It's easy to play victim to sexual arousal, excusing questionable behavior with phrases like "I couldn't help myself." However, true masculine power involves consciously managing this charge. This doesn't mean suppressing arousal, but rather:

• Acknowledging it immediately.
• Connecting with underlying emotions.
• Seeing the other as a complete being, not just body parts.
• Not letting arousal hijack attention or care.
• Exploring the raw ache and longing at its heart.

Integrity in action. Taking charge of your charge is a discipline that deepens relational intimacy and integrity. It means choosing when to let arousal magnify (in loving connection) and when to rein it in (in potentially exploitative situations). This practice liberates sexuality from being a mere sensation-driven, ego-reinforcing mechanism, allowing it to become sacred fuel for genuine intimacy, rather than a distraction from emotional disconnection.

9. Embody True Heroism: Courage, Integrity, and Human Flaws

Heroism in a man is a matter of doing what it takes to bring forth the very best in himself, enough so as to potently align him with what really matters in any given situation.

The evolving hero. The hero figure, deeply embedded in men's consciousness, has evolved from infallible, stoic icons to more complex, flawed, and human characters. This shift reflects a healthy evolution, moving beyond perfectionism and unshakable impeccability. True heroism today involves embracing one's limitations and flaws, not being run by the inner boy or adolescent, but integrating all aspects of self with compassion.

Courage from the heart. Courage, derived from the Latin "cor" (heart), is the central attribute of the hero. It's not fearlessness, but a resolute refusal to be paralyzed by fear, a deliberate movement towards one's edge despite discomfort. Courage manifests in various forms:

• Physical: Persisting through pain.
• Emotional: Speaking with real feeling despite consequences.
• Moral: Taking value-based stands against opposition.
• Existential: Facing life's bare reality without clinging to meaning.
• Relational: Sharing what's scary, maintaining connection.

Pride with compassion. Healthy pride is a beautiful celebration of achievement and individuality, a swelling of the heart without egoic inflation. It contrasts sharply with unhealthy pride, which is rooted in arrogance, superiority, and often serves as an antidote to shame. A mature man's pride is an expression of joy, shared and inclusive, not isolating or diminishing others. He walks tall without strutting, honoring his accomplishments while remaining grounded and open to celebrating others.

Last updated: January 27, 2026