Key Takeaways
1. Reject the Illusion of "Trendy-Trendy Coparenting"
Trendy-Trendy Coparenting is nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Unrealistic ideal. The media often portrays "Trendy-Trendy Coparenting" (TTC) as an idyllic post-divorce scenario where ex-spouses effortlessly co-mingle, smile for photos, and vacation together, all for the "best interests" of the children. This glamorous image is a mirage, ignoring the harsh realities of divorce, trauma, and high-conflict personalities. It's a "philosophy of shoulds" that is painfully insensitive to the true contexts of many families.
Fueling conflict. This idealized model, often promoted by the multi-billion-dollar family court industry, is designed to fail. It incentivizes constant interaction and compromise, which, for most divorced couples—especially those involving high-conflict personalities (HCPs)—only escalates conflict, manipulation, and abuse. Instead of fostering genuine harmony, TTC creates a continuous demand for lawyers, therapists, and mediators, bleeding families dry financially and emotionally.
HCPs' weapon. High-Conflict Personalities, prevalent in 25-35% of child-raising age groups, are incapable of accountability, remorse, or change. They are masters of manipulation, charming in public but vicious in private, and use TTC as a weapon to maintain control, harass, and gaslight their former partners. For victims of abuse, TTC often becomes a form of court-ordered purgatory, forcing continued engagement with their abuser.
2. Embrace Parallel Parenting for Autonomy and Accountability
Parallel Parenting is high-quality Coparenting.
Separate paths. Parallel Parenting (PP) offers a realistic and effective alternative to the conflict-ridden TTC model. It is built on the premise that each parent is accountable for their own home and life, operating on separate, self-sufficient, non-intersecting tracks. This approach respects the autonomy of each household, allowing parents to fulfill their roles without constant interference, criticism, or undermining from the other.
Ending enablement. PP cuts out the enabling behaviors often seen in TTC, where one parent might constantly try to "fix" or "rescue" the other. It clearly states that neither household has a duty to intervene in the other's outcomes, especially when one parent is sabotaging themselves for attention. This clear delineation of responsibility is crucial for breaking cycles of manipulation and fostering genuine independence.
Sensible first choice. While often painted as a "last resort" for "broken" families, PP is presented as the common-sense starting point for all divorced parents. It promotes autonomy, accountability, boundaries, and differentiation, which are essential for healing and growth post-divorce. HCPs despise PP because it shuts down their access to attention and control, taking away their "toys and weapons" of manipulation.
3. Prioritize Your Mental Health as the Kids' Best Protection
Your mental health is the single most important factor in protecting your kids against the HCP parent’s influence.
Beyond pretense. Kids need mentally healthy parents far more than they need parents who pretend to get along. Forcing fake harmony for the children's sake, as encouraged by TTC, is a form of gaslighting that teaches kids a false picture of reality and can be detrimental to their emotional well-being. If exposure to an ex compromises your mental health, disengaging is not only acceptable but necessary.
Potent antidote. Your consistent example of emotional and mental health serves as a powerful antidote to the HCP parent's poisonous influence. While children may unfortunately witness the HCP's distorted and disordered behaviors, a stable, emotionally centered, and consistent parent provides a crucial environment free from chaos. This healthy counter-example is invaluable for their long-term development.
No live-in therapist. Avoid becoming your children's "live-in therapist" regarding the HCP. Constantly discussing the other parent's actions or feelings feeds attention to the HCP and diminishes your own quality time with your kids. Instead, focus on building a relationship based on positive experiences, personal growth, and shared interests, rather than bonding over commiseration or complaints about the ex.
4. Establish Strict, Values-Driven Communication Boundaries
If there is no legitimate need or requirement to communicate, there is no need for communication. Period. End of story.
Minimal interaction. In Parallel Parenting, communication with an ex is strictly limited to essential matters such as unavoidable schedule changes, emergencies, or issues requiring mutual consent per the divorce decree. Beyond these necessities, there is no need for interaction. This strict boundary is vital for shutting down conflict and preventing HCPs from using communication as a tool for harassment and manipulation.
Concise responses. When communication is necessary, responses should be clear, concise, and matter-of-fact. Ignore any falsehoods, insults, or attempts to provoke conflict embedded in the ex's messages. Do not engage in personal matters or defend yourself against accusations. A simple "no" is a complete sentence when declining non-essential requests or schedule changes, without needing justification.
App-based communication. Utilizing court-approved co-parenting apps is highly recommended. These platforms centralize all written communication, prevent tampering, and can be monitored by third parties if needed. This removes the ex from personal texts, emails, and voicemails, allowing you to control notifications and reduce constant interruptions. This strategy supports values like privacy, peace, and autonomy.
5. Cultivate a Personal Vision for Your Home and Life
When you develop your vision for Parallel Parenting, don’t think in terms of what you want to eliminate—think of what you want to create.
Intentional focus. Instead of dwelling on what you want to avoid or eliminate from your past with an HCP, focus your attention and energy on intentionally creating the life experiences you truly desire. This involves detailing your vision with sensory descriptions—what your ideal dinners, evenings, or family activities look, sound, and feel like. This forward-focused approach naturally diminishes the HCP's influence.
Values-driven boundaries. Once your vision is clear, identify the core values that underpin these desired experiences (e.g., connection, vitality, beauty, tranquility). Then, establish rules and boundaries in your home that directly support and create these values. For example, a "no phones at the dinner table" rule supports connection, while specific bedtimes support privacy and adult time.
Natural HCP repellents. The beauty of values-driven boundaries is their natural side-effect: they act as powerful HCP repellents. Rules set to foster connection or tranquility in your home inherently limit the ex's access and ability to create chaos, without ever explicitly being about them. This shifts your focus from reacting to the ex to proactively building the life you want.
6. Practice Impeccable Integrity in Words and Actions
When we demonstrate integrity by being impeccable with our word, we show our kids what it means to not only speak truth but to speak truth about actual, verifiable facts.
Truth and accuracy. In contrast to HCPs who distort reality, fabricate facts, and gaslight, demonstrating impeccable integrity means being careful, accurate, and coherent in your speech. It involves speaking verifiable truths and keeping your promises. This consistent example teaches children the value of honesty and reliability, providing a stable foundation amidst the chaos of an HCP parent's unpredictable behavior.
Consistent behavior. Impeccable actions mean aligning your behaviors and choices with your stated values and goals. This consistency creates a safe and predictable environment for your children, who learn they can count on you. After experiencing the unpredictable and contradictory actions of an HCP, your steady integrity offers a crucial "safe harbor" where they can feel secure and understood.
Wise battles. Living with integrity also involves exercising restraint and good judgment, particularly in choosing which battles to fight. It means discerning when to draw a line in the sand on matters that truly impact your values or the children's safety, rather than engaging in every minor conflict. This teaches children the importance of strategic engagement and the art of letting go of what cannot be controlled.
7. Depersonalize Your Ex's Disordered Behaviors
The HCP’s words and actions have nothing to do with you.
Disordered, not personal. It's crucial to understand that an HCP's words and actions, no matter how personally tailored or hurtful they feel, are ultimately a manifestation of their disorder, not a reflection of you. You did not cause their disorder, nor do you cause them to act from it. Their attacks are about gaining attention and deferring accountability, and you are simply the current target for their psychopathology.
Disengage from the drama. When you receive a message or witness an action from an HCP, view it as "just words" or "stuff" that has no inherent meaning beyond their disorder. Skim for any legitimate, child-related matter requiring a response, and ignore the rest. This depersonalization prevents you from taking on their accountability, compromising yourself, or feeding their need for attention, which only perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
Model detachment. Your ability to depersonalize the HCP's behaviors sets a powerful example for your children. When they see you remain unfazed and detached from words and actions that literally have nothing to do with you, they learn to do the same. This teaches them healthy coping mechanisms and prevents them from internalizing the HCP's negativity, fostering their own emotional resilience.
8. Teach Children Adaptability and Resilience
Kids learn to adapt. Adaptability is key to developing healthy self-esteem and strong boundaries.
Embrace differences. Contrary to the TTC's push for homogenous environments, Parallel Parenting embraces the natural differences between two homes. Children are inherently adaptable, navigating varied environments daily (school, church, friends' houses). Exposing them to different values, structures, and parenting styles between homes is not a burden but an opportunity for growth.
Life lessons. These differing environments provide real-world examples for children to observe how different choices and values lead to different outcomes. They learn to critically evaluate what they want to incorporate into their own lives and what they wish to reject. This fosters their free will and critical thinking, preparing them to navigate the diverse world they will encounter as adults.
Transferable skills. Learning to respect and adapt to different home environments equips children with invaluable transferable life skills. They develop the capacity to function at their highest potential regardless of their surroundings, without losing their sense of self. This resilience and ability to advocate for their needs in varied contexts are far more beneficial than a forced, artificial uniformity between households.
9. Protect Yourself from Criticism by Framing with Elevated Values
You can say: “I want to do these things because of autonomy. I want to do these things because of respect for the other home. I want to do these things because of privacy. I want to do these things to de-escalate conflict.”
Neutral language. When implementing Parallel Parenting, frame your decisions in terms of neutral or elevated values rather than criticizing your ex. By articulating your desire for autonomy, respect, privacy, and conflict de-escalation, you present a rational and unassailable position. This approach protects you from accusations of being a "bad" co-parent and disarms critics who might otherwise align with the "Trendy-Trendy" narrative.
Impeccable conduct. Maintain impeccable conduct in all communications and interactions. Avoid extreme, inflammatory language, name-calling, or emotional outbursts, especially in writing. Your consistent, calm, and fact-based approach demonstrates maturity and professionalism, which is crucial if your actions are ever scrutinized by courts or other third parties. This builds your credibility and authority.
Positive narrative. Consistently present a positive or neutral narrative to your children about the other parent, avoiding gossip or commiseration. Teach them that you are happy for them to enjoy their time with the other parent and that your happiness is independent of the ex's actions. This not only protects your reputation but also frees your children from loyalty binds and the burden of being messengers.
10. Empower Kids and New Families Through Genuine Disengagement
We all want our kids to have the ability to say: “This is what I stand for. This is what I want. These are my boundaries. This is how I would want to be treated. This is how I will preserve my mental health. This is how I will create things I want to create.”
Freedom from binds. Parallel Parenting liberates children from the immense pressure of parental conflict and loyalty binds. They no longer feel obligated to inform, report, or complain about one parent to gain attention from the other. This freedom allows them to develop genuine relationships with each parent, focusing on positive experiences rather than being caught in the middle of adult drama.
Modeling healthy boundaries. By consistently modeling healthy disengagement from an ex who is abusive or misaligned with your values, you teach your children invaluable life lessons. They learn that it's acceptable to set boundaries, walk away from harmful behaviors, and prioritize their mental health without shame or guilt. This empowers them to advocate for themselves and build their own lives with integrity.
Benefits for new families. Parallel Parenting significantly benefits new spouses and blended families by clearly defining roles and responsibilities. It eliminates the constant "hoopla" and interference from the ex, allowing the new family unit to establish its own values and dynamics without external demands. This clarity reduces stress, fosters stronger new relationships, and creates a more stable home environment for everyone involved.
Last updated:
Similar Books
