The Life Brief

1. Start with Your Deepest Desires

In your heart of hearts, what do you really, really want?

The driving question. This simple yet profound question is the cornerstone of the Life Brief. It pushes beyond superficial wants, societal expectations, or what others desire for you, urging you to uncover your true, often unadmitted, longings. Many people, like the author, initially resist this question, fearing the answers or believing their desires are impossible.

Beyond surface-level. The author's own journey began in a moment of deep personal crisis, where despite a seemingly perfect life, she felt "drowning and depleted." This internal chaos forced her to confront terrifying questions about her marriage and life choices. It was only by daring to ask what she really wanted, without judgment or practicality, that she began to see a path forward.

Unlocking possibility. This initial inquiry creates mental space, shifting focus from fear and self-talk to curiosity. It's about acknowledging what truly matters to you, even if the "how" is completely unknown. This foundational step is crucial for moving from a state of confusion to one of hopeful exploration, setting the stage for profound personal transformation.

2. Embrace the Mess to Find Clarity

The only way through the misery was to be uncompromisingly honest with myself, without putting boundaries on my needs.

Confronting chaos. The journey to clarity begins by allowing yourself to "Get Messy"—to externalize the swirling thoughts, fears, and frustrations that clutter your mind. This involves writing without censorship, letting raw emotions and anxieties spill onto the page. The author, in her childhood bedroom, scribbled furiously, releasing years of unspoken worries about her marriage, career, and family.

Power in externalization. Putting fears and intense emotions onto paper diminishes their power, transforming them from overwhelming internal narratives into observable stories. This act of "brain dumping" creates a crucial space for curiosity to emerge, allowing you to ask deeper questions about what truly matters. The author's initial mess revealed a singular, insistent theme: "TIME."

Rearranging mental furniture. This messy exploration is akin to "rearranging the furniture of our minds," moving beyond scripted stories and surface-level concerns. It unearths hidden truths and allows for new perspectives, much like Regan's journey of confronting her relationship with alcohol. This process is not about immediate solutions but about honest self-discovery.

3. Unmask Your Authentic Self and Align Your Values

When there’s misalignment between who you are and what you convey to the world, it comes at a cost.

The cost of misalignment. Many people, including the author, develop "performing selves" to fit in or achieve perceived success, often at the expense of their "authentic selves." This misalignment creates internal friction, leading to feelings of isolation, mistrust, and a struggle to appreciate one's own achievements. The author's childhood experiences of being "othered" led her to assimilate, creating a persona that prioritized popularity over genuine connection.

Beyond the mask. The Life Brief challenges you to identify the "masks" you wear and the "scripts" you play out. It asks:

• What voices are you carrying that are not your own?
• What parts of yourself have you hidden or shelved?
• What would it take to reveal your true self to others?
  This deep self-inquiry helps bridge the gap between who you are and who you present to the world.

Values as a compass. Our values are core beliefs that guide us, but they often lie dormant until moments of acute misalignment. The author's reckoning during the 2020 racial justice movement forced her to confront her own assimilation and the values she had inadvertently suppressed. This led to a powerful realization: to champion equity for others, she first needed to reclaim and embody her own identity and values.

4. Confront Limiting Beliefs and Reframe Your Story

Our limiting beliefs can become enemies if we don’t put them into perspective.

Internalized enemies. Limiting beliefs are deeply held ideas about yourself or the world that act as internal "enemies," inhibiting you from realizing your deepest desires. These can manifest as self-doubt, skepticism, perfectionism, or "either-or" choices that trap you in familiar, often unsatisfying, circumstances. The author's family history of financial loss instilled a limiting belief that money would lead to suffering, hindering her own financial growth.

Unearthing the roots. Identifying these beliefs requires fearless self-inquiry, often tracing their origins back to childhood experiences, cultural norms, or societal expectations. For example:

• "I can't provide for my family doing the job I really want."
• "Love doesn't happen for people like me."
• "I'm not enough."
  Once named and written down, these beliefs lose their power, allowing for reassessment and reimagination.

Reframing for possibility. The "It's Not X, It's Y" exercise helps reframe these limiting beliefs, transforming them into springboards for new possibilities. Kelly, trapped in an unfulfilling marriage, reframed "divorce is failure" to "divorce is successfully letting go of a toxic situation." This shift in perspective replaced her pain with a "buzzing sense of possibility," demonstrating that changing your story can fundamentally change your life.

5. Distill Your Desires into Bold Declarations

Radical distillation means eliminating everything except what’s essential to the subject at hand.

The art of clarity. After the messy exploration, the next step is radical distillation—ruthlessly separating the meaningful from the meaningless. This involves cutting out distractions, "red herrings," and anything that doesn't get to the core of what you truly want. The author's Parenting Brief, for instance, moved beyond "nice to haves" like clean rooms to "must haves" like honesty and self-reliance.

The Five Whys. A powerful technique for deep distillation is the "Five Whys," repeatedly asking "why" to uncover the root cause of a desire or problem. The author used this to realize her frustration with her husband's "unhelpfulness" was actually rooted in her own "hard time letting go of perfection." This process helps you acknowledge what truly underpins your desires.

Declarative power. The culmination of this clarity is expressed in five declarative sentences, starting with "I am," "I choose," or "I'm ready." These are not wishes or hopes, but firm, affirmative statements rooted in the present moment, oozing with conviction and commitment. They are designed to be simple yet generative, truthful yet inspiring, setting the stage for activation.

6. Craft a "Fuck Yes" Life Brief and a Sticky Handle

Your Life Brief should make you feel "FUCK YES."

Beyond lukewarm. A Life Brief must ignite excitement and conviction; if it feels lukewarm, it won't inspire action. The goal is to push your declarations to a "Fuck Yes" level, making them so honest, bold, and vivid that they simultaneously energize and slightly terrify you. The author's "Mad Love" Brief for her marriage evolved from "I'm ready to get along" to the audacious "I'm ready to fall madly in love with my husband again."

The power of rewriting. Revision is not just polishing; it's an essential part of the process, allowing you to deepen your honesty and sharpen your language. Asking "What do I want so badly that it would shatter me if I never allowed it into my life?" helps uncover truly potent desires. Boldness isn't always about "bigger"; sometimes it's about slowing down or daring to pursue a quieter, more satisfying path.

Sticky handles. To keep your Brief alive and accessible, distill its essence into a single, memorable "handle" or phrase. Like iconic ad taglines such as "got milk?", this handle acts as a shorthand reminder and gut check. "Mad Love" or "Relations, Not Just Solutions" instantly recall the full meaning of the author's Briefs, making them unshakable and motivating in daily life.

7. Activate Your Brief with Tiny Actions and Embrace Serendipity

Amazing things start to happen once you have clarity.

Action from clarity. Your Life Brief is not meant to stay on the page; it's a compass for action. Clarity focuses your attention, making it easier to act and generating momentum. The author's first Brief, "Take Our Time," led to the serendipitous discovery of a dream house and community in Portland, and an unexpected offer to work remotely.

Say yes to serendipity. When opportunities align with your Brief, even if they seem unbelievable or daunting, saying "yes" can unlock unimagined solutions. The author's decision to move to Portland, despite fears and uncertainties, revealed a scenario far better than she could have planned. Letting go of rigid plans and embracing the unexpected allows the world to "join you" in realizing your vision.

Tiny, daily steps. Lasting change often comes from a consistent flow of "micro movements," not giant leaps. Identify "irresistibly small" steps—actions so easy they are inexcusable to avoid, taking less than ten or even five minutes. Sarah, a writer, committed to simply "opening the document to her novel" daily, which led to thousands of words and reignited her creative spark.

8. Build a Dream Team and Dance to Your Own Beat

When we shift how we show up, we invite the dance partners in our lives to dance differently, too.

The power of support. You don't have to navigate change alone. Building a "Dream Team" of allies—people who see, honor, support, and challenge you—is crucial for sustaining momentum. These individuals can provide accountability, belief, vision, and fuel when you feel stuck or lose steam. The author relies on colleagues and friends who offer objective perspective and unwavering support.

Casting your team. Identify specific roles your Dream Team members can play:

• Anchor: Helps you stay true to yourself.
• Believer: Makes you feel capable and worthy.
• Visionary: Pushes you to see bigger.
• Firestarter: Nudges you to act on potent ideas.
• Fuel: Keeps you going when you want to quit.
• Vault: Guards your secrets without judgment.
• Truthteller: Gifts you truth that propels you forward.
  Consciously inviting them into these roles strengthens your resolve.

Dancing differently. While you cannot "Life Brief" others, your shift in how you show up in relationships invites them to respond differently. The author's "Forgiveness Brief" for her father transformed their volatile relationship in his final days, allowing her to guide him to peace and find forgiveness for herself. This shift from "what you want" from others to "how you want" to be, feel, or act, unlocks personal agency and immediate change.

9. Life Briefs Evolve: It's a Practice, Not a Plan

The Life Brief is a living document, not a destination.

Continuous iteration. Your Life Brief is not a static plan but a dynamic practice that evolves with you. It's a series of recommitments, inviting you to revisit, refine, and rewrite as your desires deepen and circumstances change. The author has written numerous Briefs for different aspects of her life, some timeless, others outgrown.

Beyond external markers. As you engage with the practice, your longings may shift from tangible, external achievements to deeper, internal experiences. Samuel, initially focused on fame and awards, found his Brief evolving towards "fulfillment" and the joys of family, realizing that his initial dreams no longer resonated. This journey often leads to a greater appreciation for what you already have and a focus on "how you want to be" rather than "what you want to get."

No-regrets living. The Life Brief is your reminder to live a fleeting and precious life without regrets, guided by your curiosity and inner truth. It's about making yourself available to every experience your curiosity wants to taste, even if it's unexpected or scary. This practice strengthens your intuition, allowing you to move through the world differently, and in turn, the world will dance differently with you.

Last updated: January 19, 2026