The Gift of Influence

1. Influence is Your Legacy: The 80,000 People in Your Stadium

If you knew, right now, that every person you’d ever influenced would be waiting for you in a stadium at the end of your life, how would it affect you today?

Your ultimate legacy. Imagine a stadium filled with 80,000 people—everyone you've ever influenced, positively or negatively. This powerful metaphor highlights that your true legacy isn't about titles or wealth, but the lasting effect you have on others' character and behavior. This concept profoundly shifted the author's perspective during a personal crisis, where letters from those he'd influenced saved him from despair.

Beyond social media. The modern term "influencer" often connotes transactional, self-serving motives, focused on marketing products. However, genuine influence is deeply personal, built on authentic investment in others. It's about inspiring people to become better human beings, not just to buy something.

A daily choice. On average, you influence 2.8 people daily, or 1,025 annually. This means every day, two or three new individuals are entering your "stadium." The choice is yours whether they will cheer, jeer, or simply be indifferent to your impact.

2. LEAD with Purpose: Lift, Embrace, Act, Devote

Some influencers may be CEOs, coaches, and presidents, but most lead quieter lives.

Four core traits. True influencers embody four key qualities: Lift, Embrace, Act, and Devote. These aren't exclusive to high-profile figures; they are practiced daily by ordinary people who make extraordinary impacts. The author shares stories of a junior high teacher, a nine-year-old hockey player, a gang leader, and a Catholic nun to illustrate these principles.

Lifting others up. Ms. Lynn, a math teacher, showed her eighth-grade students they mattered by having them write positive words about each other, then compiling these into personal letters. Years later, these letters were cherished, even found in a soldier's helmet in Vietnam, demonstrating the profound power of showing people their inherent greatness.

Embracing and acting. Tate, a young hockey player, embraced a less-talented teammate, Tristan, who had overcome severe health issues, teaching the author about unconditional acceptance. George Taylor, a tech entrepreneur, acted on a gang shooting by engaging gang leaders, creating a for-profit brewery (TRU Colors) that employs active gang members, offering them economic opportunity and a path to change. Sister Loreen, the author's aunt, devoted her life to serving others, even risking her life to protect children during civil war in Liberia, embodying selfless sacrifice.

3. Cultivate Interest: Everybody Has a Story

Every face has a name. Every name has a story.

The bedrock of influence. True influencers are obsessively interested in learning about the people around them, whether friends, colleagues, or strangers. This curiosity forms the foundation of lasting relationships. The author's friendship with Bill Reichel, who later saved him from financial ruin, began with a simple question about his jewelry.

Beyond small talk. Instead of superficial conversations, ask "What's your story?" This open-ended question invites deeper connection. Examples include Jayne Hladio, who shared her daughter's miraculous heart surgery story, and Gary, a restaurant manager whose personal journey led to an unforgettable dining experience for the author.

Organizational impact. Companies like Footers catering, owned by Anthony and April Lambatos, prioritize hiring individuals for their stories and character, not just their resumes. They foster an inclusive culture where employees, like Lewis who loves dressing in drag, are encouraged to be their authentic selves, leading to rapid growth and "Best Places to Work" recognition.

4. Invest Authentically: Turn Transactions into Interactions & Make Kindness Normal

Kindness isn’t normal.

Beyond the transaction. Our daily lives are filled with transactional encounters—cashiers, baristas, service providers. Influencers intentionally transform these into meaningful interactions. The author's relationship with Barbara at Ess-a-Bagel, initially a "Bagel Nazi," softened when he showed genuine interest, leading to unexpected kindness.

Making someone's day. This simple technique involves finding someone you regularly transact with and making their day unforgettable through a gesture of curiosity and kindness. Examples include bringing a cheeseburger to his tailor, Hilda, or praising a diner chef, Mike, for an exceptional omelet. These small acts create lasting positive ripples.

The ripple effect of kindness. Houston Kraft's story of Helga, crying alone in an airport with no one stopping to help, underscores that kindness is not always the default. However, studies show generosity is highly contagious. The author's stepson, Anthony, exemplified this by canceling lunch to buy essentials for a homeless man, an act that indirectly led to his West Point nomination.

5. Own Your Words: Promises Kept and Intentional Communication

Doing what you say is more important than saying what you do!

Promises into action. Intentions and lists are meaningless without action. Research shows people regret what they didn't do more than what they did. The author reflects on Nancy, a pastor's wife, whose good intentions to help a struggling single mom never materialized due to busyness.

The power of follow-through. Keeping promises, no matter how small, builds trust and reliability. Ed Larkin's 23-cent refund check and Frank DeAngelis's daily "I love you" texts for over seven years exemplify this unwavering commitment. Conversely, broken promises, like a car salesman's unfulfilled offer, can destroy trust and lead to negative ripple effects.

Mindful communication. Beyond keeping promises, owning your words means being mindful of their impact. The author recounts his high school typing teacher calling him "stupid," a word that fueled years of insecurity. Coach Veltidi's simple "I believe in you" before a crucial field goal, however, flipped his script, demonstrating how positive words can rewrite a person's self-perception and destiny.

6. Build Influence Streaks: Consistency and Presence Matter Most

Just show up.

The Cal Ripken, Jr. of influence. Like the baseball legend known for his consecutive games streak, true influencers consistently "show up" for others, especially during tough times. This presence, even if it feels like the bare minimum, is paramount. The author called his friend Corey daily for a year during his divorce, and Scot daily after his son's suicide, demonstrating unwavering support.

Turning on the lights. When someone is in a dark place, each time you show up, it's like turning on a small light, gradually illuminating their path out. This requires consistency, whether daily or weekly, and prioritizing that commitment. The author maintained a Monday morning call streak with friends Lori and Nate during their respective cancer treatments.

Presence as a gift. Doug and Susan Stanton, the author's relatives, exemplify this by consistently attending his children's events, from hockey games to musicals. Their presence, more than any advice, tells the children they are loved and that family will always be there, demonstrating that showing up is often the greatest gift.

7. Be an Angel Investor: Give Without Expecting Return

The key to being an angel investor is not expecting anything in return for your kindness.

Investing in potential. An "angel investor" in the context of influence is someone who provides support, guidance, or resources to others without expecting anything in return. Phil Hickey, a CEO, offered profound parenting advice to the author in a brief encounter, a priceless investment in his future family life.

Unconditional giving. When you expect an IOU, you become a debt collector, not an investor. The author learned this when a young mentee, Ben, demanded help in return for a favor, instantly eroding the goodwill. In contrast, Bill Graebel has consistently funded the author's nonprofit for over two decades, asking only that the kindness be paid forward.

Small gestures, big impact. Angel investments don't require massive commitments. The author's one-time investment in Taylor, a socially anxious teen, by encouraging her to sing and inviting her to a youth leadership academy, helped her blossom. Similarly, Denise Murphy, a general manager, bought a new bike for a line cook's son, fostering deep loyalty and a family-like workplace culture.

8. Understand Intent: Influence Cuts Both Ways

You can say all the right things, meet all the right people, start the very best organizations, raise millions of dollars—but if your vision never extends beyond your own periphery, you have nothing.

The double-edged sword. Influence is powerful and can build or destroy. The author's mentor, Blanton Belk, founder of Up with People, was a charismatic public figure but privately corrosive and controlling. This experience taught the author that true influence requires positive intent, not just outward success.

Legacy of development. Leaders like Vince Lombardi, despite winning championships, failed to groom successors, leading to organizational decline. In contrast, Bill Walsh, the legendary 49ers coach, prioritized developing his assistants, creating a "coaching tree" that produced numerous successful leaders. This highlights that a great leader's legacy is measured by how many people they empower to surpass them.

Beyond self-interest. Joe Krenn, a country club general manager, embodies Walsh's philosophy by focusing on developing his employees into future leaders in the industry. His success is measured not just by financial metrics but by the number of former interns who become general managers themselves, demonstrating that true leadership is about cultivating others' potential.

9. Avoid Fan Hogging: Your Actions Define Your Influence

You get to decide the kind of influence you want to have on others, but you don’t get to decide the influence you do have on others.

The perception gap. Many leaders believe they are a positive influence, but their followers often see a different reality. Like the camp counselor who hogged the fan, or Kelsey's boss who threw direct reports under the bus, "fan hoggers" prioritize their own comfort or ego, ruining the culture of an otherwise good organization.

Negative influence sticks. It takes years to earn good influence but seconds to lose it. The human brain is wired to remember negative experiences more vividly (Velcro for negative, Teflon for positive). A single negative interaction requires five positive ones to compensate. The author's rude comment to a hotel driver, despite his earlier leadership speech, instantly undermined his credibility with the staff.

Course correction. Shawn Early, a PepsiCo executive, initially "hogged the fan" after a demotion, but a simple interaction with an employee reminded him of his roots and mission. He then prioritized his team's needs, leading to his eventual promotion and a loyal, high-performing staff. Jackson McConnell, a bank CEO, exemplifies this by personally delivering seafood for a stalled truck driver and refusing to lay off employees during the pandemic, demonstrating that putting others first is a successful business model.

10. Embrace Vulnerability: Ask for Help

When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility.

The Ben Franklin effect. Asking for help, counterintuitively, can make people like you more. Benjamin Franklin used this tactic to turn a rival into a friend by asking to borrow a book. When requests are genuine and heartfelt, people are often honored to assist.

Building authentic relationships. The author regularly asks business leaders to sponsor disadvantaged kids for his youth leadership academy, fostering deep, authentic relationships. These benefactors, like Chris Harr and Shawn Early from PepsiCo, are honored to contribute, demonstrating that asking for help can be a powerful way to connect.

Honoring others. The "go-it-alone" mentality, while seemingly independent, can prevent you from honoring others by allowing them to contribute. The author's stepfather, Lou, rarely asks for help, even from family, missing opportunities for deeper connection. In contrast, the author asked retired Air Force Colonel Joe Sanders to mentor his stepson, Anthony, a request Joe was honored to fulfill, leading to a valuable relationship for Anthony.

11. The Final 'I' is You: Self-Love Fuels Greater Impact

You can’t love and positively influence the lives of others until you love and learn to care for yourself.

Oxygen mask principle. Just as flight attendants instruct you to put on your own oxygen mask first, you must prioritize your own well-being to effectively help others. Neglecting self-care leads to burnout and limits your capacity for influence.

Gratitude and perspective. Cultivating gratitude for life's blessings shifts focus from what you lack to what you have, providing a more positive outlook and better perspective. This self-awareness is crucial for identifying and shedding "good" commitments that prevent you from focusing on what's "great" – your core priorities like family, faith, and true purpose.

Relationships for well-being. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, spanning 80 years, found that strong, lasting relationships are the single most important factor for a long, healthy, and happy life. The author formed "Iron Works," a peer forum, to foster genuine, vulnerable conversations about life's challenges, demonstrating that self-interest, when not self-serving, can lead to deeper connections and personal growth.

12. 10x Your Influence: Focus on Your Unique Purpose

Rather, they 10x the one thing they’re best in the world at, the one thing that can change the most lives.

Beyond the minimum. The average person influences 80,000 lives, but true influencers, or "10xers," aim for far greater impact. Sean Lambert, inspired by his mentor, transformed his goal from influencing one life a year to building thousands of homes for the poor through Homes for Hope, demonstrating exponential impact by focusing on a single, powerful purpose.

Aggressive narrowing. Instead of spreading energy across many "good" endeavors, 10xers laser-focus on the one thing they are uniquely positioned to do best. Matthew Kelly, a successful author and speaker, redirected his vast talents to "re-energize the Catholic Church," creating Dynamic Catholic, which now impacts over 12,000 parishes.

Everyday 10xers. Not all 10xers are celebrities or institutional reformers. Lisa Haselden, despite a difficult childhood, relentlessly serves her community, buying a house for her struggling mother and caring for grieving friends. Her daily question, "Who in my community can I serve today?", defines her powerful, everyday influence, proving that 10xing is about intentionality and dedication to a core purpose, regardless of scale.

Last updated: August 11, 2025