I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck

1. Manhood is an Internal Journey of Self-Discovery

Being a man is a journey.

Redefining manhood. The author's personal journey, triggered by divorce, revealed that traditional definitions of manhood—often shaped by parents, society, and media—were distorted and damaging. He realized that true manhood isn't about age or external achievements, but an ongoing internal process of challenging beliefs, slaying personal "dragons," and evolving into an authentic self. This transformation requires deep introspection and a willingness to shed old identities.

Consequences of a "boy" mindset. Many men remain "boys" into adulthood, stunted by absent fathers, manipulative advertising, and a scroll-and-swipe culture that promotes instant gratification over genuine connection. This leads to a warped sense of self, defining worth by superficial details like muscles or a corner office, and struggling with intimacy and purpose. The societal impact is profound, contributing to high rates of male suicide, depression, and domestic violence, as men suffer in silence without the tools to navigate their emotions or build healthy relationships.

The path to authenticity. The journey from boy to man demands reflection, pain, and courage, leading to a rebirth of self. It involves observing one's thoughts and behaviors, examining cognitive distortions, and taking responsibility for actions. This process cultivates self-awareness, vulnerability, and a deeper understanding of self-love, ultimately leading to more fulfilling relationships and a life lived closer to one's true potential.

2. Embrace Responsibility Over Freedom

You choose to be responsible first. You show up to work when you don’t feel like it.

Earning true freedom. Many mistakenly believe freedom is a given right, but for men, it is earned through consistent responsibility. Prioritizing duties—whether it's showing up for work, planning a date night, or calling parents—builds trust, not just with others, but crucially, with oneself. This commitment to responsibility is the foundation upon which genuine freedom is built, distinguishing a man from a boy who only pursues what feels good and easy in the moment.

The power of definitions. Our personal definitions of what it means to be a man, a father, or a partner are critical starting points for growth. These definitions shape our actions and determine whether we live up to our own expectations. By consciously defining what responsibility looks like in our lives, we create a clear framework for our behavior, allowing us to align our actions with our values and purpose.

Building self-trust. Consistently choosing responsibility over immediate gratification fosters self-trust, enabling us to believe in our ability to build anything, from a successful career to a lasting marriage. Conversely, always prioritizing freedom at the expense of responsibility erodes this trust, leading to a cycle of broken commitments and an inability to achieve meaningful, long-term goals.

3. Cultivate a "Through-Me" Mindset, Not Victimhood

You are a conduit, and something greater than you is working through you to project your unique gifts into the world.

Shifting from "to-me" to "through-me." Living with a "to-me" mindset means seeing oneself as a victim, where life happens to you. This fixed mindset leads to powerlessness, blame, and complaint, trapping individuals in a self-created prison. In contrast, a "through-me" mindset involves recognizing oneself as a conduit for something greater, projecting unique gifts into the world with minimal ego. This perspective unlocks immense power and fearlessness.

Ego's diminishing effect. When operating from a "to-me" perspective, ego inflates, blinding us and weighing us down with fears of not being liked or understood. This ego-driven state shrinks our potential. By embracing a "through-me" life, the ego diminishes, allowing for greater compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance. Challenges become opportunities for growth rather than personal attacks, fostering a growth mindset.

Purpose over passion. While passion is a powerful driver, purpose, when placed above passion, tames the ego. When life is about something greater than oneself, personal problems and fears shrink in significance. This purpose-driven approach provides ultimate traction, acting as a "Sherman tank" to navigate life's rough terrain, ensuring continuous movement and impact.

4. Practice Authentic Communication and Fight Fair

Responding is a form of taking responsibility.

Respond, don't react. A key distinction between a boy and a man lies in the ability to respond rather than react. Reactions are impulsive, often stemming from past pain or trauma, leading to emotional littering and destructive conflict. Responses, however, involve a pause, thought, and a conscious choice to act in a way that creates a safer space and heals rather than destroys. This ownership of one's emotional state is a hallmark of maturity and attractiveness.

The art of fair fighting. Many relationships suffer not from the frequency of arguments, but from how they are conducted. Fair fighting involves:

• Listening to understand: Prioritizing understanding the other person's perspective before trying to be understood.
• Admitting when wrong: Swallowing pride and genuinely apologizing, without excuses or "buts," to rebuild trust and create space for healing.
• Staying present: Never walking away during a fight, as this communicates abandonment and cracks trust.
• Expressing feelings: Articulating emotions rather than bottling them up or letting logic override them, which allows for deeper connection and a richer personal narrative.

Building safe spaces. When communication is authentic and conflict is handled fairly, safe spaces are created within relationships. This fosters trust, allowing individuals to express themselves without fear of judgment or retaliation. It transforms arguments from destructive wars into opportunities for deeper understanding, growth, and connection, making relationships resilient and fulfilling.

5. Prioritize Holistic Well-being for a Full Life

It’s not just about the sweat. It’s about the reunion with self.

Connecting with your body. Daily physical activity, or "sweating," is more than just exercise; it's a primal reconnection to our humanity. It flushes toxins, boosts cardiovascular health, and stimulates self-esteem. For many, it's a reunion with a younger, more invincible self, fostering a sense of wholeness and grounding. This physical connection is vital for mental clarity and overall well-being.

Calming the mind. Learning to "calm the fuck down" through practices like meditation is crucial for escaping the mental quicksand of constant thoughts and worries. Even short, consistent daily meditation can create distance from thoughts, allowing for better decision-making, reduced anger, and enhanced creativity. This stillness is a doorway to raising human potential, fostering presence and clarity.

Seeking nectar and mindfulness. Living a full life means actively "seeking nectar"—finding joy and meaning in the mundane, daily moments rather than constantly chasing external "rainbows." This mindful approach involves using all senses to experience life fully, whether it's a cup of coffee or a walk in nature. It's about producing happiness from what's in front of you, transforming existence into living, and breaking free from the emotional coffin of monotony.

6. Build Relationships on Deep Connection, Not Superficiality

Love is a gift. Not a negotiation.

Love as action, not just feeling. True love is not merely a fleeting emotion but a conscious, daily action that requires effort, practice, and continuous learning. Many relationships fail because people stop "loving hard" once the initial feeling fades, treating relationship work as a chore rather than an investment. Healthy love is a daily offering, unconditional, patient, and accepting, fostering growth and strong individual containers.

Courting and intimacy. Sustaining romance requires ongoing effort; courting shouldn't cease once commitment begins. Small, thoughtful gestures—love notes, unexpected flowers, genuine compliments, mindful kissing—are the "relationship water" that keeps the connection alive. Intimacy in the bedroom should also shift from performance-driven to connection-focused, recognizing that true satisfaction comes from shared experience and presence, not from proving one's worth.

Respect and boundaries. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, where partners don't place each other on pedestals or try to control one another. This means:

• Not putting "shoulds" on others, which is a form of control.
• Letting go of a partner's sexual history, as digging into the past only breeds insecurity and breaks trust.
• Avoiding character assassination, even in jest, as belittling comments erode self-esteem and are difficult to recover from.
• "Wanting to do the dishes" – acting out of genuine desire and contribution, not obligation, to foster true partnership.

7. Define Success by Character, Not External Achievements

Your value lives in your character and capacity. Your heart and your story. Not your ability.

Beyond external metrics. Society often ties a man's worth to his ability to build, earn, or achieve, leading to a dangerous loop where self-worth fluctuates with external successes or failures. True value, however, resides in one's character, compassion, and capacity to love. Measuring oneself against these internal qualities provides consistency and resilience, unlike the fleeting nature of accomplishments.

The power of failure. Failure is not the opposite of success; it is its prerequisite. Every "failure" is soil for growth, creating learning and new ideas that pave the way for future achievements. Embracing failure, and failing often, builds character, persistence, and determination. It teaches men to invest themselves and their beliefs in something, creating calluses not just on their hands, but on their resolve.

Purpose as ultimate traction. While ambition and passion are important, aligning one's efforts with a deeper purpose provides ultimate traction in life. Purpose is greater than personal desires; it's a North Star that guides through challenges, ensuring that even when external circumstances are difficult, there's a profound reason to keep building and moving forward. This shift from chasing commercial success to fulfilling a greater purpose transforms existence into meaningful living.

8. Project Confidence and Integrity Through Your Presence

A man’s handshake says everything about him.

Non-verbal communication of self-worth. How a man carries himself—his handshake, posture, and overall presence—is a direct reflection of his inner beliefs. A firm handshake with eye contact signals certainty, value, and trustworthiness, while a weak grip and averted gaze betray ambivalence and insecurity. These subtle cues communicate volumes about one's self-perception and integrity.

Posture and presence. Entering a room with a "gorilla chest"—a confident, upright posture—projects power and certainty, commanding respect without needing to posture or seek approval. This physical stance not only prevents injury but also cultivates an internal belief in one's own strength. It's about being visible and present, rather than blending into the background.

The "I dunno" guy. An inability to make decisions or express opinions, often seen in the "I dunno" guy, stems from a lack of self-esteem and a fear of being wrong. This ambivalence repels trust and stunts growth in all areas of life. Men make decisions, even if they're wrong, because the act of choosing builds character and paves a path forward.

9. Attract What You Desire by Becoming Your Best Self

We are either chasing or attracting.

Chasing vs. attracting mindsets. For much of life, many men are in a "chasing" state, desperately pursuing external validation through material possessions, status, or relationships. This state is depowering, lined with desperation, and often repels what is truly desired. In contrast, an "attracting" state involves focusing inward, improving oneself, and cultivating authenticity. This shift raises one's vibration, drawing in opportunities and people that align with one's true purpose.

The four pistons of attraction. To move from chasing to attracting, one must engage four "pistons":

• Listen to your truth: Honor your authentic self, even if it means losing some connections.
• Change your thoughts: Consciously shift from negative thought patterns to positive ones.
• Change your belief system: Create new experiences that challenge false beliefs and rewire your subconscious.
• Stay in higher frequencies: Cultivate feelings of love, gratitude, hope, and joy, rather than anger or resentment.

New experiences shift beliefs. The most convincing way to dissolve false beliefs is through new experiences. By running faster than fear, visualizing desired outcomes, and getting curious about one's capabilities, men can create experiences that cement new, empowering beliefs. This process of "reworthing" oneself is a continuous journey of connection, curiosity, acceptance, and service.

10. The "Little Things" Reflect Your True Character

A dirty bathroom reeks of immaturity. A clean bathroom means a clean state of mind.

Attention to detail reveals character. The seemingly insignificant details of a man's life—from the cleanliness of his bathroom to his choice of clothing—are powerful indicators of his character and self-respect. A dirty bathroom, for instance, is not just unhygienic; it signals immaturity and a lack of self-awareness, potentially becoming a deal-breaker in relationships. These "little things" are often emblematic of larger, deeper issues or insecurities.

Thoughtfulness in action. True thoughtfulness is demonstrated through actions, not just intentions. This includes:

• Giving meaningful gifts: Gifts should reflect genuine thought and a piece of the giver, rather than being convenient or expensive.
• Mindful eating: Eating at the same pace as company, with good manners, shows presence and respect.
• Responsible driving: Driving with consideration for others, rather than using the car as an outlet for aggression, communicates control and value for safety.
• Appropriate communication: Texting with complete sentences and respect, avoiding "dick pics" unless explicitly requested, and being physically affectionate.

Consistency builds trust. Being a "fucking period" rather than a "walking question mark" means consistently aligning words with actions. Every time a man deviates from his stated character, it creates cracks in relationships. Holding up, being dependable, and paying attention to these small details builds trust and demonstrates a mature, integrated self.

Last updated: December 12, 2025