First Light, First Love

In the early 2000s, Alex and Dani's love story begins with a whisper in the half-light. Alex, tentative and smitten, confesses his love to a sleeping Dani, their connection already deepening. Their days are filled with laughter, music, and the promise of a future together. The world feels wide open, and their intimacy is effortless, marked by shared adventures and the comfort of each other's presence. The memory of these first moments—of sunlight, music, and vulnerability—will echo through their lives, becoming a touchstone for what they once were. The sweetness of new love, the thrill of possibility, and the sense of being truly seen set the stage for everything that follows, even as time and life begin to complicate the simplicity of their early days.

Building Dreams, Facing Storms

After marriage, Alex and Dani pour themselves into renovating their first home, scraping by with little money but abundant determination. Their partnership is tested by the realities of adulthood: financial strain, unexpected setbacks, and the daily grind. Yet, their shared vision and humor carry them through, even as they sleep in a cold, roach-infested garage. The intimacy of their teamwork—facing down adversity, making do, and finding joy in small victories—cements their bond. These years are marked by resilience and the belief that together, they can weather any storm. The house becomes a symbol of their dreams and the foundation of their family, but also a crucible where cracks begin to form, foreshadowing the challenges that will later threaten to pull them apart.

Nesting, Expecting, Insulating

As Dani's pregnancy nears its end, the couple's dynamic shifts. Dani's nesting instincts are in full force, leading to comical and chaotic home improvement projects. Their anticipation of parenthood is laced with humor, love, and the quirks that make their relationship unique. The birth of their sons, Noah and Ethan, brings new meaning and exhaustion, but also a sense of purpose. Yet, the demands of parenting, work, and maintaining a home begin to erode their connection. The joy of building a family is shadowed by fatigue, misunderstandings, and the slow drift of intimacy. Still, their shared history and the memories they create—often captured in music and scribbled notes—remain a testament to the love that started it all.

The Silence Between Us

Years pass, and the once-effortless communication between Alex and Dani is replaced by silence, sarcasm, and simmering resentment. The routines of marriage—early mornings, household chores, and parenting logistics—become battlegrounds. Dani feels unseen and unheard, her sacrifices unnoticed; Alex feels criticized and emasculated, retreating into work and avoidance. Their arguments are circular, laced with old wounds and unmet needs. Attempts at therapy and mediation only highlight their inability to bridge the gap. The house, once a symbol of unity, now feels like a prison. Both mourn the loss of what they used to be, haunted by memories of laughter and connection, but unable to find their way back. The silence is heavy, filled with things unsaid and love unexpressed.

Mediation and Meltdowns

The decision to divorce is both a relief and a heartbreak. Mediation sessions devolve into petty arguments and emotional outbursts, each blaming the other for the marriage's demise. Old patterns resurface: Dani's flair for drama and storytelling clashes with Alex's stoicism and defensiveness. Their attempts to co-parent and divide assets are fraught with tension, misunderstandings, and the pain of letting go. The process exposes their vulnerabilities and the ways they have failed each other. Yet, beneath the anger, there is a lingering sadness—a recognition of the love that once was, and the family they built together. The end of their marriage feels like a death, but also the beginning of something uncertain and new.

Closet Confessions

Alone in her closet, Dani confronts the wreckage of her career, her identity, and her marriage. She grapples with professional setbacks, public humiliation, and the sting of betrayal—real and imagined. The loss of her brother, Ben, and her mother's decline haunt her, compounding her grief. Writing, once her refuge, now feels impossible. Dani's sense of self is fractured, her confidence eroded by years of criticism and loss. Yet, in her darkest moments, she finds a flicker of hope—a chance to reclaim her voice, to create something new, and to rediscover the parts of herself that Alex once loved. The closet becomes both a sanctuary and a crucible, where Dani begins the slow work of healing.

Drawing Battle Lines

With the decision made, Dani and Alex set the terms of their separation: a bird-nesting arrangement to minimize disruption for their sons, and strict boundaries around parenting and personal lives. The logistics are complicated, the emotions raw. Friends and family are drawn into the drama, forced to take sides or play peacemaker. Old friends become confidants, offering perspective and support. The process of disentangling their lives is painful but necessary, forcing both to confront the reality of their new identities as co-parents and individuals. The battle lines are drawn, but beneath the surface, there is a longing for peace, understanding, and perhaps, forgiveness.

Bird-Nesting Beginnings

The bird-nesting arrangement brings unexpected challenges and moments of grace. Dani and Alex take turns living in the family home and a shared apartment, navigating the awkwardness of shared spaces and new routines. Parenting becomes a solo act, revealing strengths and weaknesses in both. The boys adapt, sometimes with humor, sometimes with hurt. Dani finds solace in music, memories, and the rituals of daily life; Alex struggles with loneliness and the loss of control. Both are forced to confront their own shortcomings and the ways they contributed to the marriage's end. The separation, while painful, offers a chance to rediscover themselves and to see each other with new eyes.

Parenting in Parallel

As single parents, Dani and Alex face the realities of raising two boys amid upheaval. Miscommunications, discipline issues, and the challenges of adolescence test their patience and resolve. Each parent brings a different style: Dani's empathy and creativity contrast with Alex's pragmatism and structure. The boys, caught in the middle, act out, seek reassurance, and push boundaries. Through trial and error, Dani and Alex learn to collaborate, compromise, and support each other for the sake of their children. Small victories—a shared laugh, a moment of understanding—hint at the possibility of a new kind of partnership, one built on respect and shared purpose rather than romance.

Old Songs, New Memories

The record collection becomes a living archive of Dani and Alex's life together. Each album sleeve, inscribed with notes and memories, serves as a portal to the past: first dances, quiet nights, heartbreaks, and triumphs. Music evokes the full spectrum of their relationship—the joy, the pain, the intimacy, and the loss. As they sort through the records, they are forced to confront what they have lost and what remains. The act of remembering becomes an act of love, a way to honor their shared history and to find meaning in the midst of change. The music, like their love, endures even as everything else shifts.

Dating, Disappointments, Discoveries

Both Dani and Alex tentatively re-enter the dating world, each seeking validation, excitement, or escape. Dani's encounters are fraught with awkwardness, unmet expectations, and the realization that the grass isn't always greener. Alex's attempts at romance are equally clumsy, revealing his discomfort with vulnerability and change. Their experiences with new partners—Jacob, Kate, and others—highlight what they miss about each other and what they need to heal. Through disappointment and self-discovery, both come to understand that happiness cannot be found in someone else, but must be cultivated within. The journey is humbling, but ultimately clarifying.

Thanksgiving Tensions

The first major holiday post-divorce brings everyone together under one roof, including new partners and extended family. Old traditions clash with new realities, and the awkwardness is palpable. Dani and Alex navigate the discomfort with humor and grace, but underlying tensions simmer. The boys struggle to adjust, while friends and family offer support and unsolicited advice. The day is a microcosm of their new lives: messy, imperfect, and filled with moments of both pain and connection. Through it all, Dani and Alex begin to see each other not as adversaries, but as fellow travelers on a difficult journey.

Relearning Each Other

As time passes, Dani and Alex find themselves drawn together by shared history, mutual respect, and the needs of their children. Old wounds are revisited, apologies offered, and forgiveness tentatively extended. They begin to see each other as individuals again, not just as ex-spouses or co-parents. The possibility of friendship—and perhaps something more—emerges. Through honest conversations, laughter, and the willingness to be vulnerable, they rediscover the qualities that first brought them together. The process is slow and uncertain, but filled with moments of grace and the hope of a new beginning.

The Wedding and the Reckoning

A family wedding becomes the backdrop for a reckoning. Surrounded by loved ones, Dani and Alex confront the reality of their choices, the impact on their children, and the possibility of a future together. Old patterns are broken, secrets revealed, and new understandings forged. The celebration is bittersweet, marked by both joy and the ache of what has been lost. In the quiet moments, Dani and Alex share confessions, laughter, and a renewed sense of connection. The wedding serves as both a closure and a catalyst, prompting them to consider what they truly want and need from each other and from life.

Diagnosis and Dusk

Just as hope begins to flicker, Dani receives a devastating diagnosis: ALS. The news shatters the fragile peace they have built, forcing everyone to confront mortality, loss, and the limits of love. Dani faces her illness with courage, humor, and a fierce determination to make the most of her remaining time. Alex becomes her caretaker, partner, and confidant once more. The family rallies, old wounds are healed, and priorities shift. The specter of death brings clarity, stripping away the trivial and revealing what truly matters: love, connection, and the legacy of a life well-lived.

Final Gifts, Lasting Love

In her final months, Dani imparts wisdom, memories, and love to her family. She and Alex share quiet moments, music, and the rituals that defined their life together. The boys are guided through grief with honesty and compassion. Dani's legacy is not just in her career or her writing, but in the way she loved—fiercely, imperfectly, and with her whole heart. As she slips away, surrounded by those she loves, Alex and the boys are left with the gift of her memory and the knowledge that love, once given, never truly ends. The story closes with hope, gratitude, and the enduring power of connection.

Characters

Danielle "Dani" Brolin

Dani is the emotional heart of the story—a writer, mother, and wife whose passion and intensity are both her greatest strengths and deepest vulnerabilities. She is fiercely loving, quick-witted, and unafraid to speak her mind, but also prone to self-doubt, anxiety, and bouts of despair. Her identity is shaped by loss: the death of her brother, her mother's decline, miscarriages, and the slow erosion of her marriage. Dani's journey is one of self-discovery, resilience, and ultimately, acceptance. She is both the "default parent" and the dreamer, struggling to balance the demands of family, career, and her own needs. Her relationship with Alex is complex—marked by love, resentment, and a longing for connection. Dani's arc is one of transformation: from hope to heartbreak, from anger to forgiveness, and finally, from life to legacy.

Alexander "Alex" Lloyd

Alex is Dani's counterpart: a physical therapist, father, and husband who values stability, loyalty, and order. He is practical, reliable, and deeply committed to his family, but struggles with emotional expression and vulnerability. Alex's avoidance of conflict and tendency to retreat into work or silence create distance in his marriage, fueling Dani's sense of isolation. He is both wounded by and complicit in the breakdown of their relationship. As a father, he is loving but sometimes out of his depth, learning to adapt and grow through the challenges of single parenting. Alex's journey is one of awakening—learning to communicate, to forgive, and to rediscover the passion and connection he once shared with Dani. His grief, regret, and eventual acceptance are rendered with quiet power.

Noah Lloyd

Noah, the elder son, is introspective, academically gifted, and emotionally attuned. He often serves as a mediator between his parents and his younger brother, absorbing the family's tensions with maturity beyond his years. Noah's curiosity and empathy make him both a source of pride and concern for Dani and Alex. He struggles with the changes in his family, seeking stability and reassurance. His journey is one of adaptation, learning to navigate adolescence, loss, and the shifting dynamics of his parents' relationship. Noah's bond with his mother is especially strong, and her illness profoundly shapes his coming of age.

Ethan Lloyd

Ethan, the younger son, is more outwardly expressive, quick to anger or joy, and deeply connected to his family. He is intuitive, often sensing the emotional undercurrents in the household and responding with honesty—sometimes blunt, sometimes tender. Ethan's impulsiveness leads to both conflict and moments of unexpected insight. He idolizes his parents but is unafraid to challenge them. As the family navigates divorce and Dani's illness, Ethan's emotional intelligence becomes a source of strength, helping to hold the family together in moments of crisis.

Alicia

Alicia is Dani's best friend and emotional anchor. A successful lawyer, she is tough, direct, and unafraid to challenge Dani or Alex when needed. Alicia's own marriage serves as both a contrast and a mirror to Dani and Alex's struggles. She provides comic relief, tough love, and unwavering support, helping Dani navigate the complexities of divorce, dating, and illness. Alicia's presence is a reminder of the importance of chosen family and the sustaining power of friendship.

Mark

Mark, Alicia's husband and Alex's close friend, is calm, rational, and skilled at navigating conflict. As a lawyer, he often serves as a mediator, offering perspective and advice to both Dani and Alex. Mark's loyalty is to both friends, and he resists taking sides, instead encouraging honesty and reconciliation. His partnership with Alicia models a different kind of marriage—one built on mutual respect and open communication.

Kate

Kate is Alex's post-divorce girlfriend, a single mother in her late twenties. She is kind, responsible, and eager to please, but lacks the depth and complexity that Alex ultimately craves. Their relationship is marked by politeness and routine, but little passion or true connection. Kate's presence highlights what Alex misses about Dani and what he needs to feel truly alive. Her son, Tristan, briefly becomes part of Alex's world, complicating his sense of responsibility and desire.

Jacob

Jacob is Dani's college ex-boyfriend, re-entering her life as she explores dating after divorce. He is adventurous, attractive, and emotionally unavailable—a man who values freedom over commitment. Jacob's casual approach to relationships forces Dani to confront her own needs, expectations, and vulnerabilities. Their brief romance is both a nostalgic escape and a painful lesson, ultimately helping Dani clarify what she truly wants.

Lars

Lars is Dani's former boss and creative partner, a talented showrunner whose rumored affair with Dani becomes a wedge in her marriage. In reality, Lars is gay, and his own struggles with identity and public perception mirror Dani's. Their friendship is deep, creative, and ultimately redemptive, as Lars returns to support Dani in her greatest professional triumph. His presence is a reminder of the importance of truth, forgiveness, and the power of artistic collaboration.

Irene

Irene, Dani's mother, is a complex figure—once loving, later embittered by loss and illness. Her decline into Alzheimer's and her presence in Dani and Alex's home become a crucible for the marriage, exposing fault lines and unresolved grief. Irene's harshness and unpredictability are both a source of pain and a catalyst for Dani's growth. Her death marks the end of an era and the beginning of Dani's reckoning with her own mortality and legacy.

Plot Devices

Dual Perspectives and Time Shifts

The novel employs alternating first-person perspectives, allowing readers to inhabit both Dani and Alex's inner worlds. This duality fosters empathy, revealing the misunderstandings and blind spots that fuel their conflict. The narrative moves fluidly through time, juxtaposing the innocence of early love with the bitterness of its unraveling. Flashbacks, often triggered by music or memory, provide context and emotional resonance, illuminating how small moments accumulate into seismic shifts. The structure mirrors the unpredictability of life and the way memory shapes identity.

Music and Memory as Motif

Music—especially the annotated record collection—serves as a powerful motif, linking past and present, joy and sorrow. Each album sleeve, inscribed with notes, becomes a vessel for memory, allowing Dani and Alex to revisit pivotal moments in their relationship. The act of playing records and reading the notes is both a ritual of mourning and a celebration of love. This device grounds the narrative in sensory detail and underscores the theme that love, like music, endures beyond words.

Bird-Nesting and Shared Spaces

The bird-nesting arrangement—where Dani and Alex alternate living in the family home and a shared apartment—creates both logistical and emotional complexity. The shared spaces force them to confront unresolved issues, navigate new boundaries, and rediscover each other as individuals. The apartment becomes a liminal space, a site of both separation and reconnection. This device allows the story to explore the realities of modern divorce, co-parenting, and the search for autonomy within interdependence.

Foreshadowing and Circularity

The novel is rich with foreshadowing: early scenes of love and hope are mirrored in later moments of loss and reconciliation. The opening and closing images—Alex's footsteps, the sound of coffee grinding—create a sense of circularity, suggesting that endings are also beginnings. The narrative structure reinforces the idea that life is a series of cycles, and that love, though changed by time and circumstance, can be renewed. The use of repeated motifs and callbacks deepens the emotional impact and invites reflection on fate, choice, and the possibility of redemption.

Analysis

This Used to Be Us is a raw, unflinching exploration of what it means to love, to lose, and to begin again. Through the intertwined lives of Dani and Alex, the novel interrogates the myths of marriage, the realities of co-parenting, and the ways in which identity is shaped by both connection and solitude. The story resists easy answers, instead embracing the messiness of real relationships: the push and pull of intimacy and autonomy, the pain of unmet expectations, and the grace found in forgiveness. By employing dual perspectives, nonlinear storytelling, and the evocative motif of music, Carlino crafts a narrative that is both deeply personal and universally resonant. The novel's ultimate message is one of hope: that love, though imperfect and impermanent, leaves an indelible mark; that endings can be beginnings; and that the act of loving well—of showing up, listening, and remembering—matters more than any happily-ever-after. In a world where time is fleeting and certainty elusive, This Used to Be Us reminds us to cherish the small moments, to honor our stories, and to love fiercely, even in the face of goodbye.

Last updated: October 24, 2025