The Marriage Builder

1. The Goal of Marriage is Oneness, Rooted in Christ.

Developing this kind of relationship is the goal of marriage.

Deepest human longing. People universally long for intimate relationships, a need designed by God. This longing is for two essential elements: the security of being truly loved and accepted, and the significance of making a substantial, lasting, positive impact on another person. These needs are as real as physical hunger and must be satisfied for us to function as God intended.

Sin's distortion. However, sin has corrupted God's original design. Instead of finding our needs met in God and selflessly giving to our spouses, we often expect our partners to fill our emptiness. This leads to a cycle of fear, manipulation, and protective emotional walls, preventing true closeness. We become like two bankrupt business partners, each waiting for the other to provide the capital to begin.

Oneness in Christ. The ultimate goal of marriage is to achieve "Oneness," a deep experience where our personal needs for security and significance are genuinely met in Christ. This oneness not only transforms the marriage but also serves as a powerful testament to the world of Christ's redeeming love, demonstrating how His power overcomes the divisive effects of sin.

2. True Oneness Requires Dependence on Christ, Not Your Spouse, for Core Needs.

Our personal needs for security and significance can be genuinely and fully met only in relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

The dilemma of needs. Both husbands and wives have legitimate, profound personal needs for love (security) and respect (significance). The dilemma arises when we expect our spouse to meet these needs, creating a "tick on a dog" relationship where each partner seeks to exploit the other. This inevitably leads to hurt, fear, and emotional distance, as no human spouse can perfectly satisfy these infinite longings.

Four paths to satisfaction. We face four options for dealing with these needs:

• Ignore: Leads to personal death (worthlessness, despair, addiction).
• Achievement: Provides counterfeit worth, resulting in shallow relationships.
• Each other: Creates manipulative, fear-driven relationships, building protective walls.
• Depend on the Lord: The only true and complete source of security and significance.

Platform of Truth. In Christ, we are eternally loved and genuinely significant, regardless of our feelings or circumstances. We must stand on this "Platform of Truth," avoiding two errors:

• Error 1: Believing rejection/failure makes us less worthwhile.
• Error 2: Hiding behind "Christ is all I need" to avoid intimacy.
  Spirit Oneness means individually depending on God for needs, and mutually committing to be His instruments to help each other feel that worth.

3. Shift from Manipulation to Ministry for Authentic Soul Oneness.

Unless there is the purpose of communicating love based on an awareness of our spouses’ needs, we qualify as manipulators, not ministers.

Manipulation's destructive cycle. Many marriages are built on manipulation, where partners subtly maneuver to meet their own needs or avoid emotional pain. This stems from wrong beliefs about how to find security and significance, often learned from childhood experiences. When one partner's manipulative goal is blocked, it leads to fear, anger, and a vicious cycle of self-protection, building thick walls that prevent true intimacy.

The Principle of Ministry. Soul Oneness requires a radical shift from manipulation to ministry. This means adopting the goal of building up our spouse according to their needs, as Paul instructs in Ephesians 4:29. Our love for our spouse doesn't add to their security in Christ, but it can deepen their experienced awareness of being loved and valued. This is a thrilling opportunity, not a mere obligation.

Elements of change. This supernatural shift from manipulation to ministry requires:

• Decisive willingness: A continuous choice to minister, even when inner turmoil screams for self-defense.
• Awareness of partner's needs: Honestly uncovering and sharing deep yearnings, creating a climate of non-critical acceptance.
• Conviction as God's instrument: Believing that despite our inadequacy, God has uniquely called us to touch our spouse's deepest needs.

4. Effective Communication Involves Acknowledging Feelings and Aligning Goals with Ministry.

When an emotion arises within us, we are to 1. Acknowledge to ourselves and to God how we feel, allowing ourselves to inwardly experience the full weight of our emotions; 2. Subordinate the public expression of our feelings to the goal of allowing God to use us for his purposes.

Communication's core problem. Most marital communication issues stem from a failure in the commitment to ministry, rooted in self-centered goals. We enter marriage believing our spouse must respond a certain way for our significance, leading to conflict when desires are thwarted. James 4:1-3 highlights that fights arise from desires battling within us.

Handling negative emotions. We often fall into two errors with feelings:

• Stuffing: Suppressing emotions, leading to internal buildup and subtle sinful expressions.
• Dumping: Indiscriminately expressing feelings to assert rights or exact revenge.
  Instead, we must "groan quietly" (Ezekiel 24:17): acknowledge feelings inwardly to God, then selectively express them outwardly only if it serves God's purpose of ministry.

Goals vs. Desires. A crucial distinction for communication is between goals (objectives under my control, e.g., ministry) and desires (objectives I want but require others' cooperation, e.g., spouse's love). We must pray for desires and assume responsibility for goals. When anger arises from a blocked desire, we must first reaffirm our ministry goal, then if it serves a good purpose (e.g., prevent bitterness, increase understanding), express the negative feelings without manipulation.

5. Body Oneness is Sexual Pleasure with Personal Meaning, an Outgrowth of Deeper Intimacy.

Body Oneness involves physical pleasure with personal meaning.

Beyond "Fun Sex." Many couples seek only to reduce sexual tension or increase pleasure, missing God's richer design. "Fun Sex" offers physical pleasure without legitimate personal meaning, often serving as an anesthetic for deeper personal pain like insecurity or insignificance. This pursuit can become a compulsive craving, camouflaging personal problems rather than resolving them, leading to a vicious cycle of seeking more physical pleasure.

God's design for meaning. Body Oneness, however, provides both legitimate physical pleasure and profound personal meaning. It is sexual intimacy that expresses and deepens the existing Spirit and Soul Oneness between a couple. It's not just "making love," but "expressing love"—a shared experience of sensual excitement that heightens each partner's awareness of their unbreakable bond, rooted in their mutual dependence on Christ and commitment to ministry.

Overcoming obstacles. Obstacles to Body Oneness include:

• Problems in the Person: Unmet personal needs, fear, wrong beliefs (e.g., past trauma leading to fear of intimacy). These are overcome by developing Spirit Oneness—trusting Christ for security and significance, and acting on that truth despite fear.
• Problems Between Partners: Manipulative goals, resentment, anxiety, guilt. These are resolved by developing Soul Oneness—shifting from manipulation to ministry, which removes the triggers for these debilitating emotions.
• Problems with Technique: Lack of knowledge about sexual arousal and satisfaction. This requires education and open communication within the context of Spirit and Soul Oneness.

6. God's Grace is the Foundation for Hope, Even in Despairing Marital Situations.

People who can approach this God directly must not despair.

The despairing spouse. Marriages inevitably face "irredeemable low points" where despair seems justified. Husbands and wives may feel frustrated, angry, and ready to quit, questioning if there's any point to continued biblical obedience. This despair often stems from a refusal to believe basic truths about God's character and His ability to work in difficult circumstances.

The priestly privilege. In Old Testament times, only priests were forbidden to tear their robes in grief, because they had access to God's immediate presence. As New Testament believers, we are all priests (1 Peter 2:5), with bold access to God's throne. This means we never have reason to despair, for no problem is beyond His power or outside His plan for our eternal good. To despair implies God is impotent.

Hope in His sufficiency. God's grace is sufficient for every situation. Our hope is not a guarantee that our spouse will change or that circumstances will improve, but a certainty that God will deepen our spiritual maturity and fellowship with Christ if we remain faithful. This conscious confidence in God's grace—that a determination to live for Him will result in something good—is the indispensable first building block for moving toward oneness.

7. Commitment to Your Spouse Stems from Trusting God's Goodness, Not Just Duty.

The indispensable basis for an enduring, unwavering, and joyful commitment to obey all God’s commands is implicit faith in the goodness of God.

Beyond reluctant duty. If God's grace provides hope, then commitment to obey Him in marriage follows. However, obedience is often viewed as an unwelcome duty, especially when a spouse is difficult. This "doing one's duty" attitude, without genuine desire, does not truly honor the marriage commitment. It reflects a lack of deep confidence in God's goodness, questioning whether He truly has our well-being in view.

Desire from goodness. True commitment, an enduring, unwavering, and joyful desire to obey, flows naturally from implicit faith in God's goodness. Like a child trusting a loving parent's difficult instruction, we can desire to follow God's path in marriage, knowing His plan is good. This desire is not generated by merely performing loving actions, but by a renewed faith in God's character.

Joy in ministry. When we experience our deepest longings met in Christ, we can see past our own desires to our spouse's needs, creating a deep desire to minister to them. This transforms marital commitments from a depressing duty into an opportunity to pursue our deepest desires—to follow a good path and invite our spouses to walk with us. A lack of joy in marital ministry is not our spouse's fault, but a reflection of our own deficient awareness of God's goodness.

8. Acceptance Requires Forgiveness, Re-evaluating Offenses as Hurtful, Not Harmful to Your Core Worth.

To accept someone means that we minister to the person with no resentment or pressure to minister as we do so.

Acceptance beyond enjoyment. We are commanded to accept each other as God accepts us (Romans 15:7), which is more than mere toleration or even a decision to minister. Acceptance involves both the decision to minister and the absence of feelings that interfere with ministry, such as resentment. We cannot choose to feel enjoyment when our spouse offends us, but we are responsible for our decision to minister and for the emotional attitude that accompanies it.

The work of forgiveness. Bitterness arises when we wrongly evaluate an offensive event as a threat to our needs (security/significance) rather than merely a block to our desires. True acceptance requires forgiveness, which is the cancellation of a debt—not requiring payment from the offender. This involves a firm decision to impose no penalty, including subtle retaliations, and a renewed commitment to minister with kindness.

Re-evaluating the offense. The key to overcoming bitterness and achieving true acceptance is to re-evaluate the offensive event in a biblical context, seeing it as hurtful but not harmful to our core worth. This requires:

• Grasping needs met in Christ: Forcefully reminding ourselves that nothing alters our security and significance in Him.
• Reflecting on God's forgiveness: Appreciating how much God has forgiven us, which enables us to forgive others.
• Looking out for spouse's needs: Shifting focus from our own hurt to our spouse's struggles, fostering compassion.
  This process transforms bitterness into disappointment, allowing us to minister freely, without fear or pressure, even when offended.