The Disengaged Teen

1. The Disengagement Crisis Demands a New Approach to Learning

A shocking number of young people don’t see the point of school anymore.

Global decline. Academic performance of 15-year-olds is in free fall globally, as evidenced by PISA scores, signaling a "learning recession." This decline, while exacerbated by the pandemic, began well before 2020. The core issue is that school often feels irrelevant and disconnected from students' lives.

Widespread apathy. Only one in three U.S. students is highly engaged in school, with this figure dropping significantly by high school. This pervasive disengagement leads to feelings of apathy and stress, contributing to a youth mental health crisis marked by rising rates of depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.

Future readiness. In a rapidly changing world, especially with the rise of AI, the most crucial skill for young people is the ability to learn and adapt. Disengagement stifles this, clipping potential and opportunities, and leaving many feeling helpless and hopeless when they should feel invincible.

2. Four Modes Define Teen Engagement, Not Their Identity

These are not diagnostic labels meant to pigeonhole kids. They are dynamic modes kids move through based on the environments they inhabit.

Dynamic states. Teenagers constantly shift between four modes of engagement: Passenger, Achiever, Resister, and Explorer. These modes are not fixed personality traits but fluid states influenced by their environment, teachers, peers, and personal interests. Understanding these modes helps parents and educators tailor support.

Visible and hidden. Disengagement can be obvious, like skipping school, or hidden, like a student getting good grades but feeling deeply unmotivated. Recognizing these subtle signals is crucial because what appears on the surface (e.g., good grades) may not reflect a student's true emotional or cognitive engagement.

Coaching opportunity. The goal is not to label children but to use this framework as a map to understand and coach their learning journey. By identifying which mode a child is in, adults can apply specific strategies to help them navigate challenges and move towards more productive and fulfilling engagement.

3. Passenger Mode: The Peril of Quiet Quitting

A lot of kids spend a lot of time here: In our research, we found close to half of middle and high school students primarily operate in Passenger mode.

Bare minimum. Students in Passenger mode do just enough to get by, showing up and completing assignments, but lacking deep emotional or cognitive investment. They often find school "boring" because the work is either too easy or too hard, placing them outside their "zone of proximal development."

Hidden risks. While seemingly compliant, Passengers risk developing poor learning habits and missing out on crucial skill-building opportunities. Their behavioral engagement masks a deeper disengagement that, if prolonged, can solidify into a "Passenger identity," making it harder to re-engage later.

Beyond boredom. "Bored" can mean many things:

• Too easy: Like Mateo, who aced geometry by exploiting extra credit, finding no challenge in the actual curriculum.
• Too hard: Like Stella in English, feeling overwhelmed and unable to improve despite effort.
• Irrelevant: Not seeing the point of learning the Pythagorean theorem in a world of AI.
• External distractions: Family issues, social drama, or the allure of digital entertainment.

4. Achiever Mode: The Fragility of Perfectionism

But they are often fragile. Achieving becomes all about grades. So much focus on the destination means they fail to spend any of the journey figuring out what matters to them.

High performance, hidden cost. Achievers excel academically, driven by praise and a desire to win, developing strong work habits and discipline. However, many fall into "unhappy Achiever mode," characterized by perfectionism, fear of failure, and a lack of intrinsic motivation, leading to anxiety, depression, and burnout.

The Achiever Conundrum. This paradox highlights that high achievement, when driven by external validation, can be detrimental to mental health. Emotionally disengaged, high-achieving students often report worse mental health outcomes than even highly disengaged students, and are more prone to cheating.

Lost identity. Hyper-focus on external goals (grades, elite college admissions) crowds out time for self-reflection and identity formation. Like Amina, who excelled until college, these students may lack self-knowledge, making them vulnerable when external structures no longer dictate their path.

5. Resister Mode: A Cry for Help, Not Defiance

Resistance is your kids’ way of using what power they have to let you know things are not working.

Misdirected agency. Resisters actively avoid or disrupt learning, often appearing defiant or lazy. However, this behavior is a signal of underlying problems—such as bullying, mental health struggles, or feeling overwhelmed—and represents a desperate attempt to exert control in a situation where they feel powerless.

Beyond behavior. It's crucial for adults to look beyond the disruptive behavior and investigate the "why." Samir, for instance, resisted school due to social isolation and feeling "ungifted," leading to severe depression and suicidal thoughts. His resistance was a desperate cry for help, not a character flaw.

Belonging uncertainty. Many Resisters struggle with "belonging uncertainty," feeling they don't truly fit in or matter at school. This internal struggle prevents them from seeking help or engaging, reinforcing negative self-perceptions. Addressing this sense of alienation is key to unlocking their potential.

6. Explorer Mode: The Pinnacle of Productive and Happy Learning

When children are engaged, they are energized, not exhausted. They become proactive learners.

Agentic engagement. Explorers are fully engaged—behaviorally, emotionally, and cognitively—and critically, they exhibit "agentic engagement." This means they take initiative to shape their learning environment, pursue genuine interests, and actively seek challenges and solutions.

Resilience and self-awareness. Explorers embrace productive struggle, viewing failures as learning opportunities, not endpoints. They develop strong self-awareness, understanding their learning styles, motivations, and how to leverage resources, making them adaptable and confident in navigating uncertainty.

Beyond academics. Explorer mode isn't just about school performance; it's about developing a lifelong love of learning and a strong sense of purpose. Like Tevin, who channeled his passion for architecture into community projects, Explorers connect their interests to real-world impact, becoming both productive and happy.

7. Parents Are Powerful Coaches: Foster Autonomy, Not Control

You are in fact ideally positioned to coach your kid to be an engaged learner.

Unseen influence. Parents wield immense influence over their children's learning approach, often more than they realize. This "alterable curriculum of the home"—through discussions, encouragement, and modeling—is twice as predictive of academic learning as socioeconomic status.

Nagging backfires. Traditional parental tactics like nagging are counterproductive, diminishing autonomy, increasing stress, and leading to worse academic performance. Instead, parents should adopt autonomy-supportive strategies that empower teens to take ownership of their learning.

Autonomy-supportive strategies:

• Perspective taking: Listen without judgment, "go blank for a minute" to understand their viewpoint.
• Acknowledge: Validate their feelings ("That sounds hard," "I hear you").
• Explain: Provide rationales for expectations, not just commands.
• Invitational language: Offer choices and suggestions ("Have you thought about...?", "Would you consider...?").
• Patience: Allow for mistakes and learning from consequences, focusing on long-term growth over immediate compliance.

8. Unlock Engagement by Nurturing Interests and Productive Struggle

Interest is the gateway. It’s not everything, but it turns you on to learning.

The spark. Interests are powerful motivators, transforming passive learning into active exploration. Parents can foster these "sparks" by observing what naturally captivates their child, encouraging deep dives, and connecting these passions to real-world applications, even if outside traditional academics.

Productive struggle. For Achievers, overcoming the fear of failure is crucial. Encourage "productive struggle"—allowing them to grapple with challenging tasks and experience setbacks—to build resilience. This is like exposure therapy, gradually making them comfortable with discomfort and uncertainty.

Learning from the pit. The "Learning Pit" metaphor illustrates this: students fall into confusion when encountering new, difficult concepts, but with support (not rescue), they learn strategies to climb out, gaining both knowledge and confidence. This process is essential for developing Explorer muscles.

9. Mattering and Relationships Are the Foundation of Well-being

Every child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about him or her.

Unconditional worth. Teens need to feel they matter for who they are, not just what they achieve. This deep sense of "mattering" (feeling seen, supported, and valuable) is crucial for authentic identity development and overall well-being, especially for Achievers who often tie their self-worth to performance.

Relational health. Strong, caring relationships with family, friends, teachers, and mentors are the best predictor of life satisfaction. Parents can foster this by:

• Prioritizing connection: Spending quality time without a specific agenda.
• Modeling empathy: Discussing emotions and healthy coping.
• Encouraging contribution: Giving real responsibilities at home or in the community.

Beyond the self. Helping teens find purpose by contributing to something "consequential for the world beyond the self" fosters mattering. This can be through jobs, volunteering, or engaging in prosocial activities, shifting focus from self-absorption to meaningful impact.

10. Master the "Learning-to-Learn" Cycle for Lifelong Agency

What I really want them to do is build a value, a sense of importance in the activity of doing homework, or a work ethic.

Metacognition is key. Many disengaged students lack fundamental "learning-to-learn" skills, such as planning, monitoring, and evaluating their own learning process. Teaching these metacognitive strategies empowers them to take control, replacing the "Procrastination Cycle" with a "Learning-to-Learn Cycle."

The Learning-to-Learn Cycle:

• Building awareness: Understanding stress levels and mental resources, reframing stress as an energizer.
• Planning: Creating concrete plans for tasks, including downtime and sleep.
• Monitoring: Checking progress in real-time, assessing strategy effectiveness.
• Evaluating: Reflecting on what worked and what didn't, learning from mistakes.

Coaching, not nagging. Parents act as coaches, guiding teens through this cycle with questions like "What's your plan?" or "What did you learn from that?" This scaffolding helps them develop independent study habits and self-regulation, crucial for navigating complex academic and life challenges.

11. Navigate Tech Wisely: Minimize Distraction, Maximize Exploration

Technology exacerbates this problem but is not the source of it.

Double-edged sword. Technology isn't inherently bad, but it intensifies disengagement by displacing essential activities like sleep, in-person social interaction, and reflective downtime. Trillion-dollar companies design apps to monopolize attention, creating a "tyranny of metrics" and fostering comparison.

Opportunity costs. Excessive screen time, particularly on social media, consumes hours that could be spent on activities that build Explorer muscles. Critically, it severely impacts sleep, which is foundational for learning, memory, and emotional regulation.

Empowering agency over tech:

• Set limits: Implement "no screens in the bedroom after 9 p.m." rules.
• Model healthy use: Demonstrate self-control and avoid hypocrisy.
• Educate on monetization: Explain how Big Tech profits from their attention, appealing to their sense of justice.
• "Choosing time vs. killing time": Encourage reflection on how tech use makes them feel and whether it's purposeful.
• Acknowledge benefits: Recognize how tech can foster learning, connection, and exploration (e.g., online communities, educational apps).

Last updated: January 29, 2026