Key Takeaways
1. The Unique Concept of Amae: A Japanese Lens on Universal Dependence
The Japanese term amae refers, initially, to the feelings that all normal infants at the breast harbor toward the mother―dependence, the desire to be passively loved, the unwillingness to be separated from the warm mother-child circle and cast into a world of objective "reality."
Cultural shock. Dr. Takeo Doi's journey to America in 1950 revealed a profound cultural gap, particularly in social interactions. He observed that Americans were direct and expected explicit communication, contrasting sharply with Japanese customs where unspoken understanding and consideration were paramount. This experience highlighted the absence of a Western equivalent for the Japanese concept of amae.
Untranslatable essence. Amae describes a fundamental human emotion: the desire to be loved, indulged, and to presume upon another's goodwill. While the underlying feeling is universal, the Japanese language uniquely provides a single word for it, indicating its central role in Japanese psychology and society. This linguistic specificity means that Japanese people are acutely aware of amae and its nuances, unlike Westerners who may experience similar feelings but lack a distinct concept for them.
Beyond infancy. Though originating in the mother-child bond, amae extends into adult relationships, shaping expectations of intimacy and dependence. It implies a blurring of subject and object, where one can act self-indulgently, confident in the other's acceptance. This contrasts with Western ideals of self-reliance and individual autonomy, making amae a crucial key to understanding Japanese behavior and societal structure.
2. Amae's Infantile Roots: The Prototype of Human Connection
Amae, in other words, is used to indicate the seeking after the mother that comes when the infant's mind has developed to a certain degree and it has realized that its mother exists independently of itself.
Early development. Amae is not present at birth but emerges in the latter half of an infant's first year, coinciding with the child's growing awareness of its mother as a separate, yet indispensable, entity. This craving for close contact and indulgence from the mother forms the psychological prototype of amae. It's a fundamental attempt to psychologically deny the fact of separation and alleviate the pain it entails.
Universal phenomenon. While the word amae is Japanese, the underlying psychological phenomenon—the infant's desire for passive love and dependence—is universal, observable even in animals. The Japanese language, however, provides a specific term that brings this psychology into sharp focus, allowing for a deeper cultural and social integration of this dependent sensibility.
Healthy spiritual life. Amae is not inherently negative; it plays an indispensable role in establishing healthy mother-child bonds and forming new human relationships in adulthood. It becomes problematic when it leads to an unrealistic denial of separation or, conversely, when its frustration leads to despair and isolation. A healthy spiritual life balances the need for amae with the acceptance of individual autonomy.
3. Amae Shapes Japanese Social Fabric: Giri, Ninjo, and In-Group Dynamics
The Japanese society of the past, in which giri and ninjd were the predominant ethical concepts, might without exaggeration be described as a world pervaded throughout by amae.
Interwoven concepts. Amae is deeply embedded in core Japanese social concepts like giri (social obligation) and ninjo (human feeling). Ninjo represents the spontaneous, natural affection, often rooted in amae, while giri describes relationships where ninjo is artificially introduced, creating a framework of interdependence. This suggests that giri and ninjo are not opposing forces but rather content and vessel, both ultimately stemming from amae.
Defining "others." The concept of tanin (strangers or unrelated people) highlights the boundaries of the amae world. Relationships are considered "real" only when they move beyond tanin towards the warmth of the parent-child bond, where amae is natural. Giri serves to bind those who were originally tanin into relationships where amae can eventually flourish, demonstrating amae's inclusive potential.
Enryo and inner/outer circles. Enryo (restraint or holding back) is an inverted form of amae, reflecting the fear of rejection if one presumes too much. It defines the "outer" circle of relationships, where a degree of formality is maintained. The Japanese distinguish sharply between "inner" (family, no enryo, full amae) and "outer" circles (acquaintances, giri, some enryo), and tanin (strangers, no enryo needed as there's no expectation of amae). This distinction, while socially approved, can lead to a lack of public spirit and a confusion of private and public realms.
4. Cultural Assimilation through Amae: Japan's Approach to the Outside World
To express what Nakamura says in rather different terms, one might say that although the Japanese seem at first glance to accept foreign culture uncritically, at the same time, paradoxically enough, the attitude that accepts and adopts everything that can be accepted and adopted uncritically helps to preserve the amae psychology, since the action of accepting and adopting is, in itself, an extension of that mentality.
Strategic identification. Japan's historical interactions with foreign cultures, from China to the West, reveal a consistent pattern of identification and assimilation. This isn't passive acceptance but an active process of "winning favor with" (toriiru) or "taking over" (torikomu) the other side, akin to psychological ingestion. This approach allows Japan to adopt foreign elements while preserving its core amae psychology.
Curiosity and adaptation. Unlike China, which often viewed Western civilization with contempt, Japan has historically shown a profound curiosity and longing for foreign cultures. This openness, rooted in the amae sensibility, enabled Japan's rapid modernization. The Japanese tend to ignore external threats until they become undeniable, then swiftly identify with and adopt what they perceive as superior, transforming it into their own.
Preserving the core. This adaptive strategy, while appearing to embrace foreign ideas uncritically, paradoxically reinforces the amae mentality. By incorporating external influences, the Japanese extend their familiar world of amae rather than fundamentally altering it. This explains how Japan could industrialize and modernize at a frantic pace without losing its distinct cultural identity.
5. The Amae-Driven Sense of Guilt and Shame in Japan
The Japanese sense of guilt, thus, shows a very clearcut structure, commencing as it does with betrayal and ending in apology ； it represents, in fact, the very prototype of the sense of guilt, and Benedict's failure to see this can only be attributed to her cultural prejudice.
Relational guilt. Unlike the Western sense of guilt, which is often an internal, individual problem, Japanese guilt is primarily relational. It is most sharply felt when an individual betrays the trust of their group members. The word sumanai (I'm sorry/thank you) perfectly encapsulates this, expressing both apology for causing trouble and a desire to maintain the other's goodwill, thus preserving the amae relationship.
Shame as external awareness. The sense of shame, in contrast, originates from an awareness of external judgment and is directed inward. It is most acutely felt in relation to one's group, where ostracism is the greatest dishonor. While Benedict characterized Japanese culture as "shame-based," Doi argues that shame and guilt are closely intertwined, with shame often underlying guilt, especially when amae is frustrated and exposed.
The power of apology. The Japanese apology, often seen as magical by foreigners, is a child-like plea for forgiveness, rooted in amae. It seeks to restore harmony and maintain the relationship, rather than simply acknowledging a transgression. This cultural emphasis on apology, even for indirect responsibility, reflects a deep-seated need to preserve group solidarity and avoid the painful experience of isolation or kuyashii (mortification).
6. Amae as Japan's Unspoken Ideology: From Emperor to Everyday Life
In other words, it is the person who can embody infantile dependence in its purest form who is most qualified to stand at the top in Japanese society.
Institutionalized dependence. Doi posits that amae has traditionally been Japan's unspoken ideology, shaping its social system. The Emperor system, for instance, can be seen as an institutionalization of amae, where the Emperor, though highest in rank, is entirely dependent on those around him, embodying pure infantile dependence. This reverence for sunaosa (guilelessness, amenability) as a virtue further supports the idealization of childlike qualities in leadership.
Honorifics and infantilization. The highly developed honorific language in Japanese, used for superiors, strikingly resembles the way adults speak to children. This suggests that honorifics serve to humor superiors, treating them with a deference akin to indulging a child. This practice reflects the persistence of a childlike attitude in Japanese adults and the societal permission for amae in those in high positions.
Ancestor worship and festivals. Ancestor worship, a tenacious custom in Japan, and the national fondness for festivals (medetai feeling) are also linked to amae. "Dying and becoming a god/Buddha" can be interpreted as the deceased's personality being accorded new attention and respect, akin to the ultimate satisfaction of amae. Festivals, too, provide an outlet for collective amae, a shared sense of joyous indulgence. However, in modern times, the term medetai has acquired a slightly derogatory connotation, suggesting a decline in the uncritical acceptance of amae.
7. The Pathology of Frustrated Amae: Anxiety, Compulsion, and Resentment
The man who feels shame must suffer from the feeling- of finding himself, his amae unsatisfied, exposed to the eyes of those about him when all he wants is to be wrapped warm in his surroundings.
Toraware and anxiety. Morita Shoma's concept of toraware (preoccupation/obsession) in shinkeishitsu (nervousness) is reinterpreted through amae. Doi argues that toraware stems from a frustrated desire to amaeru, where the individual, unable to express dependence, becomes excessively sensitive to others and fixates on trivial physical symptoms or fears. This "hypochondriac disposition" is a pathological variation of amae.
Fear of others (Taijin Kyofu). Taijin Kyofu (fear of others), a uniquely Japanese psychiatric term, is linked to hitomishiri (shyness, stranger anxiety). While hitomishiri in infants is a normal developmental stage of recognizing the mother, its persistence into adulthood, exacerbated by societal changes that make amae harder to satisfy, leads to neurotic anxiety in social interactions, such as blushing or fear of eye contact.
Compulsion and resentment. The phrase ki ga sumanai ("not satisfied unless...") describes a compulsive trait pervasive in Japanese society, often linked to industriousness. This feeling arises when one's ki (spirit/mind) is obstructed in its pursuit of pleasure. While it can lead to autonomy, its pathological form, kuyashii (mortification/resentment) and kuyamu (helpless regret), stems from suppressed amae and an inability to find satisfaction, often turning inward as self-reproach or outward as a sense of injury.
8. Amae and the "Fatherless Society": Youth Rebellion and Alienation
It would seem that the modern conflict between the generations is chiefly in the public sector, and is waged in the form of system versus system.
Blurred boundaries. Modern society, characterized by a "generation gap" and youth rebellion, is seen through the lens of amae as a "fatherless society." The distinction between children and adults has blurred, with both exhibiting amae. Youth, while distrustful of the older generation's values, often maintains close emotional ties with mothers, suggesting a public conflict rather than deep personal antagonism.
Search for authority. The rebellion of youth, though appearing as an attack on existing systems, can be interpreted as a desperate search for paternal authority and clear values that the older generation fails to provide. This is a form of amae—a demand for guidance and a stable framework—that, when unmet, leads to alienation and destructive behaviors like dropping out or engaging in radical movements.
Alienation and the maternal. Modern man's alienation, fueled by the relentless advance of scientific civilization, leads to a despair of self-sufficiency through reason. This prompts a regression to primal feelings, a return to the maternal, or amae, as a source of lost vitality. The "fatherless society" reflects a widespread loss of confidence in traditional paternal principles, leaving a void that amae attempts to fill, often leading to a collective childishness and impulsive behavior.
9. Amae vs. Western Individual Freedom: A Fundamental Contradiction
Thus the spirit of amae and freedom of the individual would seem to be contradictory with each other.
Conflicting ideals. The Japanese concept of jiyu (freedom) traditionally meant the freedom to amaeru—to behave as one pleases without considering others—rather than freedom from dependence. This contrasts sharply with the Western idea of freedom, which emphasizes individual rights, dignity, and independence from external authority, including emotional dependency.
Gratitude and shame. Western thought, as exemplified by Juan Luis Vives, suggests that passive love and gratitude are mixed with shame, which hinders true gratitude. This aversion to excessive gratitude, Doi argues, has fortified the Western sense of individual freedom. In contrast, the Japanese sumanai expresses gratitude intertwined with apology, reflecting a desire to maintain goodwill and the amae relationship, rather than asserting independence.
Fragile freedom. For the Japanese, individual freedom is a delicate concept, easily threatened by obligations or perceived kindness. The desire to repay even trifling favors, as seen in Soseki's Botchan, stems from a fear of losing one's jiyu if one remains indebted. This contrasts with the Westerner's more straightforward expression of thanks, which "finishes" the transaction without lingering feelings of obligation or compromised freedom.
10. The Universal Relevance of Amae: Beyond Linguistic Barriers
It is, nonetheless, the existence or nonexistence of the word that makes all the difference.
Linguistic conditioning. While amae is a uniquely Japanese word, Doi argues that the underlying "drive to dependence" is instinctive and universal. The presence of the word in Japanese, however, makes the Japanese particularly sensitive to this emotion, integrating it into their social norms. In contrast, Western languages lack such a term, leading to the exclusion or masking of amae feelings in their social structures.
Hidden amae in the West. Despite the absence of the word, amae can be observed in Western societies, often masked under "love" or other emotions. Doi cites examples like an American male's imperious demand for dinner or a divorced man's emotional dependence on his ex-wife, which, lacking the term amae, are perceived as a "loss of emotional control" rather than a specific desire for indulgence.
The power of naming. The core argument is that the existence of a word like amae profoundly shapes a culture's awareness and handling of a universal human emotion. Without the word, the emotion may still exist, but it remains unarticulated, less understood, and often pathologized or suppressed. Doi's work, therefore, offers a crucial concept for Western psychology to recognize and integrate, revealing a deeper layer of human experience.
