Key Takeaways
1. Sexual Fantasies Are Universal and Frequent.
To fantasize—and to fantasize often—is therefore to be human.
Fantasy is normal. Contrary to outdated Freudian ideas that fantasies signal dissatisfaction, the largest survey of American sexual fantasies reveals they are nearly universal. 97% of participants reported having sexual fantasies, and most have them frequently, often multiple times a week or even daily. This suggests fantasizing is a fundamental aspect of human sexuality, not a sign of psychological trouble.
Beyond sex dreams. The focus is on conscious thoughts and mental images that generate sexual arousal, distinct from uncontrollable sex dreams. Fantasies can be brief, spontaneous flashes or elaborate, hours-long narratives. They can be recalled on command or emerge unexpectedly, sometimes in inconvenient situations.
Suppression backfires. Attempting to suppress unwanted sexual thoughts is largely ineffective and can paradoxically make them more persistent. Like trying not to think of a white bear, forcing a thought away often leads to it returning with greater intensity. Accepting fantasies as normal is the first step towards managing them.
2. America's Most Common Fantasies: Group Sex, BDSM, and Novelty.
The three major things the American id is craving are sex with multiple partners, BDSM, and sexual adventure/variety.
The Big Three. Analysis of over 4,000 Americans' favorite fantasies reveals three dominant themes:
- Multipartner Sex: Group sex, especially threesomes, is the single most popular fantasy, desired by the vast majority of both men and women.
- Power, Control, and Rough Sex (BDSM): Bondage, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism are extremely common, ranging from mild spanking to intense scenarios.
- Novelty, Adventure, and Variety: Fantasies about new activities (oral, anal, positions), varied settings (public, nature), and thrilling encounters are widespread.
Coolidge Effect. The popularity of these themes is partly explained by the Coolidge Effect, the tendency for sexual arousal to decrease with repeated exposure to the same stimulus. Fantasies involving multiple partners, varied sensations, and new scenarios offer the novelty needed to counteract habituation and reignite desire.
Beyond stereotypes. While some forms are more popular than others (threesomes over orgies, submission over dominance), these fantasies are far more common across the population than stereotypes suggest. They reflect a widespread desire to break free from narrow cultural norms about what constitutes acceptable sex.
3. Gender Differences Exist, But Men and Women Aren't from Different Planets.
Men and women are not polar opposites when it comes to their sexual psychology.
Similarities outweigh differences. While John Gray's "Mars and Venus" idea resonated culturally, it's scientifically inaccurate regarding sexual psychology. Most fantasies are shared by both men and women, including group sex, BDSM, and romance. The differences lie primarily in frequency and emphasis, not in having or not having certain desires.
Key gender differences:
- Sexual Flexibility: Women tend to have greater sexual flexibility than men, being more open to fantasizing about partners of different genders, even if identifying as heterosexual.
- Partner vs. Setting: Men often place more importance on who their fantasy partner is, while women tend to emphasize the setting more.
- BDSM: Women report more BDSM fantasies overall, particularly submission and masochism, potentially linked to greater sexual flexibility and the desire to escape self-awareness.
- Emotion: Women report more emotion-based fantasies (intimacy, romance) than men, though men still have them frequently.
- Group Sex: Men report more group sex fantasies than women, potentially linked to evolutionary factors like sperm competition.
- Taboo/Gender-Bending: Men report more taboo and gender-bending fantasies (cross-dressing, trans partners), potentially linked to higher sensation-seeking and different flexibility patterns.
Not about superiority. Discussing gender differences is not about labeling one sex as better or worse. These differences likely stem from a complex interplay of evolutionary pressures, biological factors (like hormonal exposure), cultural conditioning, and learned experiences. Understanding them helps explain why partners may have different preferences.
4. Your Fantasies Reveal Your Psychological Needs and Life Experiences.
Our sexual fantasies appear to be carefully designed to meet our psychological needs—and because those needs change and evolve over our life span, it seems that our sexual fantasies naturally adjust in order to accommodate them.
Fantasies are adaptive. Sexual fantasies are not random; they often serve psychological functions, adapting to our changing needs throughout life. They can be coping mechanisms, ways to explore identity, or methods to enhance arousal.
- Younger adults, facing insecurity and navigating hookup culture, may fantasize more about BDSM and passion/romance for confidence and emotional connection.
- Older adults, especially in long-term relationships, may fantasize more about group sex, nonmonogamy, and novelty to combat habituation.
Background matters. Demographic factors, personality traits, and life history significantly shape fantasy content:
- Sexual orientation predicts interest in BDSM, nonmonogamy, taboo, and gender-bending, suggesting non-heterosexuals may be more open to defying sexual norms.
- Religious and political conservatives, despite outward adherence to strict norms, often fantasize more about taboo and nonmonogamous acts, potentially due to psychological reactance.
- Past sexual experiences, especially the first one, can imprint on future fantasy content.
Coping mechanisms. Fantasies can help people cope with difficult experiences:
- Victims of sex crimes may fantasize about BDSM, emotional sex, or gender-bending as ways to escape self-awareness, seek validation, or psychologically distance from trauma.
- People with sexual problems may fantasize about BDSM or emotional sex to reduce anxiety and enhance arousal.
- Those with compulsive urges may fantasize about emotionless sex, taboo acts, or gender-bending, potentially reflecting underlying moral conflicts or difficulty regulating desires.
5. Who You Fantasize About Reflects Your Relationship and Self-View.
Our fantasies are very much a reflection of not just who we are but also where we are in our lives.
Partners are primary. Despite media focus on celebrities, our most common fantasy partners are our current romantic partners (fantasized about often by over half of Americans). This is likely because fantasies often include an emotional component, which is easier to experience with someone known and loved.
Celebrity appeal. While less frequent, celebrity fantasies exist. Evolutionary psychology suggests attraction to traits signaling health and fertility (e.g., Scarlett Johansson's waist-to-hip ratio, Channing Tatum's masculinity). However, frequent celebrity fantasies can also correlate with:
- Avoidant attachment styles
- Lower relationship/sexual satisfaction
- Overactive imagination or sensation-seeking
Race and culture. Fantasy partner race is influenced by cultural beauty standards. White individuals primarily fantasize about other whites, while racial minorities often show an out-group preference, particularly towards whites, suggesting internalized racial hierarchies of sex appeal.
Personality and porn. Partner body preferences are linked to personality and media exposure:
- Sensation-seekers and erotophiles (positive sex attitudes) fantasize about larger breasts/penises.
- Republicans fantasize more about larger penises than Democrats, potentially linking size to power.
- Porn use correlates with fantasizing about larger breasts/penises and less pubic hair, suggesting porn both shapes and reflects desires.
6. We Often Change Ourselves in Fantasies, Revealing Insecurities.
Most of my participants reported that, when they appear in their own fantasies, they change themselves in some way, whether it’s having a different body shape, genital appearance, or personality.
Fantasy vs. Reality. Our fantasy selves are often idealized versions of reality. Most people fantasize about changing their body shape/type, and many fantasize about altering their genitals, age, or personality.
- Women and gay men are more likely to fantasize about changing their body shape than straight men.
- Men (gay and straight) are more likely to fantasize about changing their genitals than women.
- Men are more likely to fantasize about being younger than women.
- Gay men are most likely to fantasize about changing their personality.
Insecurity and coping. These fantasy alterations often stem from insecurity or dissatisfaction:
- Lower self-esteem, introversion, and neuroticism correlate with fantasizing about changing body/personality.
- Unhappiness or power imbalances in relationships, sexual dissatisfaction, and attachment insecurity are linked to changing oneself in fantasies.
- Fantasizing about changing oneself can be a coping mechanism to reduce anxiety or escape perceived inadequacies.
Moral conflict. Changing oneself in fantasy can also be a way to create psychological distance from desires that evoke guilt or shame. Fantasizing about a younger or different version of oneself might make taboo content feel less threatening to one's current identity or values.
7. Repressing Fantasies Harms Your Sex Life and Well-being.
Express yourself, don’t repress yourself.
The cost of shame. When people view their sexual desires as weird or abnormal, they tend to repress them, leading to negative emotions like guilt, shame, and anxiety. These emotions are strongly linked to sexual performance difficulties (desire, arousal, orgasm problems).
Blame shifting. Repression creates emotional baggage and frustration. Instead of addressing their own internalized shame or anxiety, people may unfairly blame their partners for sexual problems, a form of self-serving bias. This damages intimacy and communication.
Loss of control. Repressing desires doesn't make them go away; it can make them more persistent due to the rebound effect. This can lead to feeling a loss of control over one's sexual urges, especially during times of stress when self-control is depleted. Accepting fantasies is crucial for gaining control over how and if they are expressed.
8. Sharing Fantasies Builds Intimacy and Improves Relationships.
This is because self-disclosure builds trust.
Vulnerability creates connection. Disclosing sexual fantasies, especially those that feel vulnerable or potentially stigmatizing, is a powerful form of self-disclosure. It signals trust in a partner and often leads to reciprocal trust and increased feelings of closeness and intimacy.
Relationship benefits. Couples who engage in sexual self-disclosure report:
- Higher relationship satisfaction
- Greater feelings of love for one another
- Longer-lasting relationships
- Happier sex lives and fewer sexual problems
Increased desire. Sharing fantasies can directly enhance sexual desire for a partner. The act of revealing something deeply personal and being met with acceptance can be highly arousing and strengthen the emotional and physical bond.
9. Fear of Partner Disapproval Is Often Unwarranted.
Believe it or not, your partner will probably be cool with your fantasy.
Anticipated vs. Actual Reaction. Many people hesitate to share fantasies due to fear of a negative reaction, especially for themes like group sex, BDSM, or nonmonogamy, which violate cultural norms. However, this fear is often exaggerated.
Positive outcomes are common. Among those who did share their favorite fantasies:
- The vast majority reported a neutral or favorable partner reaction.
- 74-82% reported favorable reactions for romance, novelty, and BDSM fantasies.
- 65-69% reported favorable reactions for group sex, nonmonogamy, and taboo fantasies.
- More participants reported that sharing improved their relationship than harmed it, across all fantasy types.
Risks exist. While positive outcomes are more likely, negative reactions (ranging from 6% to 22% depending on fantasy type) are possible. A partner might feel threatened, disgusted, or insecure. Careful consideration of the partner's personality, history, and potential triggers is essential before disclosing.
10. Not All Fantasies Should Become Reality: Assess Consent and Risk.
Instead, what we really need to do is look at sexual interests on a case-by-case basis and ask ourselves two questions that have nothing to do with how many people have them: (1) Is this sexual activity consensual or nonconsensual? And (2) does it pose an unacceptable risk of harm to one or more people that goes well beyond the usual risks of having sex?
Beyond popularity. Judging a fantasy's appropriateness for reality based solely on how common it is is flawed. Some common fantasies (voyeurism) are harmful, while some uncommon ones (being a furry) are harmless. The key criteria are consent and risk.
Dangerous desires. Fantasies that should never be acted upon include those involving:
- Nonconsenting individuals (underage, incapacitated, or unaware partners)
- Significant risk of serious injury or death (extreme BDSM, intentional STI transmission)
- Illegal activities (voyeurism, public sex that violates laws)
Compulsive behavior. Any sexual interest, regardless of content, can become problematic if it becomes compulsive, causing distress or interfering with life. Seeking professional help is crucial in such cases.
Professional help. If you have recurrent, intense urges for nonconsensual or extremely risky acts, or if your sexual urges feel out of control, seek professional counseling. Avoidance strategies like repression are ineffective and can be dangerous.
11. Acting on Fantasies Can Be Highly Rewarding, Especially in Healthy Relationships.
The overwhelming majority of my participants who acted out their fantasies said that the end result either met or exceeded expectations (86 percent) and, further, that it had a neutral to positive impact on their relationships (91 percent).
Potential benefits. For fantasies deemed safe, sane, consensual, and legal, acting them out can offer significant rewards:
- Intense sexual pleasure and powerful orgasms.
- Combating the Coolidge Effect and keeping passion alive in long-term relationships.
- Enhancing intimacy, trust, and communication skills with a partner.
- Resolving sexual problems by providing distraction and novelty.
- Increasing self-understanding and comfort with one's identity.
- Potential health benefits linked to frequent sexual activity.
Relationship foundation. The likelihood of a positive experience is significantly higher in
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FAQ
1. What’s Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller about?
- Largest survey of fantasies: The book is based on the largest-ever survey of Americans’ sexual fantasies, analyzing responses from over 4,000 participants to uncover what people fantasize about and why.
- Science of sexual desire: It explores the psychological, cultural, and demographic factors that shape sexual fantasies, integrating scientific research and real-life stories.
- Practical relationship advice: Lehmiller provides guidance on how understanding and communicating about fantasies can improve sex lives and relationships.
- Destigmatizing sexual diversity: The book aims to normalize a wide range of sexual desires, challenging myths and reducing shame around sexual fantasies.
2. Why should I read Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller?
- Reduces shame and stigma: The book reassures readers that most sexual fantasies, even those considered taboo, are common and normal, helping to alleviate guilt and embarrassment.
- Evidence-based insights: Lehmiller uses scientific data to explain the origins and meanings of fantasies, offering a nonjudgmental perspective.
- Improves communication and intimacy: Readers learn how to discuss desires with partners, which can enhance trust, intimacy, and sexual satisfaction.
- Practical tools for relationships: The book provides actionable advice for safely exploring fantasies and strengthening relationships.
3. What are the key takeaways from Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller?
- Fantasies are universal and diverse: Nearly everyone has sexual fantasies, and most are more common than people think.
- Personality and context matter: Fantasies are shaped by personality traits, relationship status, cultural background, and life experiences.
- Communication is crucial: Openly sharing fantasies can improve relationships, but requires sensitivity and consent.
- Safe exploration is possible: The book outlines how to responsibly and ethically explore fantasies, emphasizing consent and safety.
4. What are the seven most common sexual fantasy themes identified in Tell Me What You Want?
- Group sex/multipartner scenarios: Threesomes and orgies are the most frequently reported fantasies, though rarely acted upon.
- BDSM and power dynamics: Fantasies involving dominance, submission, bondage, and rough sex are widespread across genders.
- Novelty and adventure: Many people crave new experiences, settings, or sexual activities, including public sex or use of toys.
- Taboo and forbidden acts: Voyeurism, exhibitionism, and other culturally taboo scenarios are surprisingly common in fantasy.
- Nonmonogamy and partner sharing: Fantasies about swinging, open relationships, and cuckolding reflect interest in consensual nonmonogamy.
- Romance and passion: Emotional connection, intimacy, and being desired are central to many fantasies.
- Gender-bending and erotic flexibility: Cross-dressing, same-sex encounters by heterosexuals, and fantasies involving transgender partners highlight sexual fluidity.
5. How do men’s and women’s sexual fantasies differ according to Tell Me What You Want?
- More similarities than differences: Both men and women commonly fantasize about group sex, BDSM, and romance, but differ in frequency and emphasis.
- Women’s greater flexibility: Women are more likely to fantasize about same-sex encounters and show more variety in partner gender and activities.
- Men’s focus on taboo and group sex: Men report more fantasies about taboo acts and group sex, possibly linked to evolutionary and psychological factors.
- Emotional and setting focus for women: Women’s fantasies often emphasize emotional connection and the context or setting, while men focus more on partner characteristics.
6. What psychological and demographic factors influence sexual fantasies in Tell Me What You Want?
- Personality traits: Extraversion, neuroticism, agreeableness, and sensation-seeking all shape fantasy content, with extraverts favoring group sex and sensation seekers craving novelty.
- Attachment style: Insecure attachment is linked to more BDSM, novelty, and romance fantasies, while secure individuals are more open to sharing fantasies.
- Demographics: Age, gender, sexual orientation, race, and political/religious beliefs all play roles in shaping fantasy preferences.
- Complex interplay: No single factor explains fantasies; instead, a combination of traits and life experiences creates unique fantasy profiles.
7. What does Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller reveal about the origins and psychological functions of sexual fantasies?
- Multiple origins: Fantasies arise from personality, early sexual experiences, psychological needs, and learned associations.
- Coping mechanisms: Some fantasies, especially BDSM or emotional ones, help people manage anxiety, insecurity, or past trauma.
- Learned associations: Fetishes and certain taboo interests can develop from strong early experiences that link specific objects or scenarios to arousal.
- Evolving over time: Fantasies change throughout life to meet shifting psychological and relational needs.
8. How does Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller explain the role of fantasy partners and self-image in sexual fantasies?
- Current partners are common: About 90% of people fantasize about their current romantic partners, often with added emotional or idealized elements.
- Celebrity and fictional partners: These appear less frequently but reflect cultural standards and personal preferences.
- Self-image changes: Many people imagine themselves differently in fantasies—altering body, age, or personality—to boost confidence or escape insecurities.
- Psychological implications: Changing oneself in fantasies is linked to self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and coping with feelings of inadequacy.
9. What advice does Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller offer for sharing and acting on sexual fantasies with a partner?
- Benefits of sharing: Openly discussing fantasies can increase intimacy, trust, and sexual satisfaction in relationships.
- Risks and fears: Many fear negative reactions, but most partners respond neutrally or positively; however, negative responses can harm relationships.
- Safe communication: Timing, setting, and validation are crucial—partners should avoid judgment and coercion, and be prepared for differing interests.
- Responsible exploration: Only consensual, safe, and legal fantasies should be acted upon, with clear boundaries, safe words, and aftercare.
10. How do political and religious beliefs shape sexual fantasies in Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller?
- Reactance effect: People with conservative or religious backgrounds often fantasize more about taboo or nonmonogamous acts as a form of psychological rebellion.
- Traditional gender roles: Religious individuals may endorse traditional roles in fantasies but still show sexual flexibility, especially men.
- Political differences: Republicans report more taboo and nonmonogamous fantasies, while Democrats favor BDSM and emotional intimacy.
- Cultural reflection and challenge: Fantasies can both mirror and push against one’s cultural and moral environment.
11. What societal changes does Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller advocate for regarding sexual health and relationships?
- Comprehensive sex education: The book calls for education that covers sexual diversity, consent, and communication, using the Dutch model as an example.
- Reducing shame and stigma: Lehmiller urges society to stop sex shaming and recognize the normalcy of diverse sexual desires.
- Flexible relationship models: He challenges the soulmate myth and supports relationship structures that fit individual needs, including consensual nonmonogamy.
- Promoting open dialogue: Encourages honest conversations about sex and desire to foster healthier relationships.
12. What are some key definitions and concepts introduced in Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller?
- Sexual fantasy: A conscious mental image or thought that causes sexual arousal, distinct from unconscious sex dreams.
- Paraphilia: Non-normative sexual interests, often stigmatized but frequently harmless and common in fantasy.
- Sexual orientation vs. flexibility: Orientation is an inborn predisposition, while flexibility is the willingness to deviate from norms in desires.
- Coolidge Effect: The tendency for sexual arousal to decrease with repeated exposure to the same stimulus and increase with novelty, explaining the craving for variety.
Review Summary
Tell Me What You Want presents findings from a large survey on sexual fantasies. Readers found it informative and normalizing, appreciating its sex-positive stance and accessible writing. However, some criticized its focus on heterosexual, cisgender experiences and questioned the scientific rigor. Many felt the book was repetitive and overly speculative at times. While some found practical advice for improving their sex lives, others wanted more diverse representation and nuanced analysis. Overall, reactions were mixed, with readers valuing the attempt to destigmatize fantasies but noting limitations in methodology and scope.
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