Cloistered Longing and Loss

Aiden Bell, now Brother Patrick, has spent nearly five years in a Kansas monastery, seeking solace and purpose after leaving behind his old life as a wealthy, impulsive man—and, most painfully, his beloved Elijah. Despite the peace and routine of monastic life, Aiden's heart aches with memories of Elijah, his brother's best friend and the man he loved deeply. The silence and discipline of the abbey are both balm and torment, as Aiden tries to root out his longing for Elijah and devote himself wholly to God. Yet, dreams and memories of their passion persist, making Aiden question whether he can ever truly let go or be fully present in his chosen life.

The Visitor's Return

Aiden's fragile equilibrium is upended when Elijah unexpectedly visits the abbey. Elijah, now a successful writer, brings news of his impending marriage to Jamie, a kind and wholesome man. The encounter is charged with unresolved pain, longing, and anger. Elijah confronts Aiden about his abrupt departure years ago, seeking closure but finding only more questions. The meeting reopens old wounds for both men, forcing Aiden to confront the depth of his unresolved feelings and the cost of his choices. Elijah's presence is both a blessing and a curse, reigniting desires Aiden has tried desperately to suppress.

Unspoken Wounds, Unhealed

After Elijah's visit, Aiden is left reeling, his heart raw and his faith shaken. He confides in Brother Connor, his mentor, about his enduring love for Elijah and his struggle to reconcile it with his vows. The monastery's routines offer some comfort, but Aiden's internal conflict intensifies. He is offered a rare opportunity: a journey to several European monasteries to discern if a stricter, more ascetic life might bring him the peace he craves. The prospect of leaving his monastic family and the familiar Kansas landscape fills him with both hope and dread, as he wonders if any place can truly free him from his past.

The Invitation to Seek

Aiden accepts the invitation to visit Trappist monasteries in Europe, hoping that greater austerity and solitude will finally burn away his lingering attachment to Elijah. Before he leaves, he is surprised to learn that Elijah will join him on part of the journey, ostensibly to write an article about monastic brewing. The prospect of traveling together is fraught with risk and temptation, but also with the possibility of understanding and closure. As they set out, both men carry unspoken questions and unresolved desires, unsure whether this pilgrimage will heal or further wound them.

Old Flames, New Vows

Traveling through Belgium and France, Aiden and Elijah are drawn together by shared memories, mutual longing, and the intimacy of monastic life. The silence and beauty of the abbeys, the rhythm of prayer and work, and the taste of rare beers create a liminal space where old boundaries blur. Their connection deepens, and they begin to play dangerous games of "what if," exploring the possibility of rekindled love even as Aiden clings to his vows. The tension between sacred duty and human desire becomes unbearable, leading to moments of confession, passion, and regret.

Pilgrimage of the Heart

In the lavender fields of Provence, Aiden and Elijah's longing erupts into physical intimacy, breaking Aiden's years of celibacy. Their encounters are both ecstatic and fraught, blending the language of prayer with the language of the body. Each touch and kiss is a negotiation between past and present, faith and flesh. The beauty of the landscape and the kindness of the monks offer a fleeting sense of grace, but the reality of their situation—Aiden's vows, Elijah's broken engagement—casts a shadow over their happiness. Both men are forced to confront what they truly want and what they are willing to sacrifice.

Silence, Temptation, and Truth

As their journey continues to Ireland, the stark cliffs and relentless wind of St. Columba's Abbey mirror the desolation and clarity in Aiden's soul. The strict silence and isolation of the Trappist life offer no escape from the truth: Aiden's love for Elijah is as enduring as his longing for God. The men steal moments together, but the constraints of the abbey and the weight of their choices press in. Aiden is haunted by the fear that he must choose between his vocation and his heart, and Elijah fears he will always be second to God in Aiden's affections.

Fireflies in the Cloister

Back in Kansas, Aiden recalls the fireflies in the monastery cloister—a symbol of fleeting beauty and the possibility of grace. These moments of wonder, shared with Elijah, become touchstones for both men, reminders of what is possible when love and faith are allowed to coexist. Yet, the fireflies also underscore the impermanence of happiness and the inevitability of loss. As Aiden prepares to make his final vows, he is haunted by the memory of Elijah's touch and the knowledge that some loves cannot be extinguished, no matter how hard one tries.

The Hermitage Storm

Aiden's internal storm reaches its peak after Elijah's visit, culminating in a night of anguish and prayer in the hermitage. Caught in a literal and metaphorical tempest, Aiden confronts the depth of his despair and the limits of his endurance. He pleads with God to take away his love for Elijah, but finds no easy answers. The storm passes, but Aiden is left changed—emptied out, yet still alive, still yearning. The experience becomes a crucible, clarifying his need for both love and faith, and setting the stage for the choices to come.

Between God and Desire

As the journey ends and the men return to their separate lives, Aiden is forced to confront the impossibility of his situation. He cannot be both wholly God's and wholly Elijah's; every path seems to require the sacrifice of something essential. Elijah, too, is left with a divided heart, unable to compete with the infinite pull of Aiden's faith. Their love, as strong as death, is also a source of suffering—a wound that will not heal. Both men must decide whether to accept the limits of their circumstances or risk everything for a chance at wholeness.

The Monk's Confession

Aiden confesses the full truth of his struggles to Elijah, including the night of his deepest despair and the mysterious text that saved his life. The act of confession is both cathartic and devastating, laying bare the wounds that have shaped him. Elijah, moved and shaken, realizes the depth of Aiden's pain and the necessity of his monastic journey. Yet, the confession also opens the possibility of a new kind of honesty—a love that acknowledges both the darkness and the light. The men part, uncertain of the future but changed by the truth they have shared.

What If, What Now?

Elijah leaves Aiden with a letter, choosing to walk away so that Aiden can remain true to his vocation. The letter is both a farewell and a blessing, an act of love that refuses to demand sacrifice. Aiden is left alone on the Irish cliffs, emptied out by grief but also filled with a strange peace. The days that follow are marked by silence and prayer, as Aiden waits for clarity. The pain of loss is acute, but so is the sense of having loved fully, without reservation. Both men are left to wonder what might have been, and what still could be.

Ruins, Games, and Reckoning

Back in Kansas, Aiden is visited by Jamie, Elijah's ex-fiancé, who brings a message of forgiveness and hope. Jamie's kindness and honesty help Aiden see that love need not be a zero-sum game, and that happiness is possible even after heartbreak. Aiden reads Elijah's published article, recognizing in its words the depth of their shared journey and the patience required for true love. The encounter becomes a turning point, prompting Aiden to reconsider his path and to reach out for what he truly desires.

Lavender Fields of Grace

Aiden leaves the monastery, choosing to pursue a life that honors both his love for Elijah and his longing for the sacred. He finds work in the secular world, reconnects with family, and begins to explore new ways of living a liturgical life outside the cloister. With the help of friends and mentors, he and Elijah slowly rebuild their relationship, learning to trust in the possibility of happiness after suffering. Their love, once forbidden and fraught, becomes a source of strength and inspiration—a testament to the power of patience, honesty, and grace.

The Edge of the World

Aiden and Elijah marry in the presence of family, friends, and a contingent of monks from Mount Sergius. Their wedding is a celebration of both the sacred and the profane, a union of devotion and desire. The ceremony is filled with laughter, tears, and the promise of a shared future. In the years that follow, they build a life together that honors both their individual callings and their love for each other. The story ends not with a final resolution, but with the ongoing work of loving, learning, and growing—together, at the edge of the world.

Letters and Letting Go

In the aftermath of their reunion, Aiden and Elijah learn to forgive themselves and each other for the wounds of the past. They discover that love is not about erasing pain, but about holding it with compassion and patience. Through letters, conversations, and shared rituals, they create a new narrative—one that honors both the darkness and the light. Their story becomes a testament to the power of vulnerability, the necessity of honesty, and the possibility of redemption.

Many Ways to the Well

Aiden and Elijah, guided by mentors and friends, begin to explore new forms of spiritual community—ways of living that honor both their love and their longing for the sacred. They join with others to create spaces where devotion and desire are not in conflict, but in conversation. Their journey is ongoing, marked by uncertainty and hope, but grounded in the knowledge that there are many ways to the well. In the end, their love is not a compromise, but a fulfillment—a seal upon the heart, a flame of the divine.

Characters

Aiden Bell / Brother Patrick

Aiden is the novel's protagonist, a man who flees a life of wealth, pleasure, and self-destruction for the austere refuge of a Kansas monastery. His journey is one of profound longing—for God, for meaning, and most of all, for Elijah, the man he left behind. Aiden's psyche is marked by depression, guilt, and a desperate need for redemption. His monastic discipline is both a shield and a prison, as he tries to root out his desire for Elijah and devote himself wholly to God. Over the course of the story, Aiden confronts the impossibility of dividing his heart, ultimately learning that true holiness may require embracing both love and longing. His development is a movement from self-denial and shame toward integration, honesty, and the courage to choose a new path.

Elijah Iverson

Elijah is Aiden's former lover and the catalyst for much of the novel's emotional drama. A successful writer, Elijah is outwardly composed, stylish, and self-possessed, but inwardly he is haunted by Aiden's abandonment and his own unresolved feelings. His engagement to Jamie is an attempt to move on, but the depth of his love for Aiden makes true closure impossible. Elijah's journey is one of vulnerability and self-discovery, as he confronts the pain of loving someone who seems perpetually out of reach. His willingness to return, to seek answers, and ultimately to let Aiden go is both an act of love and a testament to his strength. Elijah's development is marked by a growing capacity for forgiveness, patience, and the acceptance of love's complexity.

Brother Connor

Brother Connor is Aiden's spiritual guide and confidant at the monastery. A former karate instructor, he brings a blend of discipline, compassion, and lived experience to his role. He understands the pain of leaving a lover for the monastic life and offers Aiden both practical advice and deep empathy. Brother Connor's presence is a steadying force, helping Aiden navigate the tumult of desire, guilt, and spiritual longing. His wisdom lies in his acceptance of ambiguity and his belief in the possibility of many paths to holiness.

Abbot Jerome

Abbot Jerome oversees the Kansas monastery with a blend of humor, intellect, and pastoral care. He recognizes Aiden's restlessness and orchestrates the journey to Europe as both a gift and a challenge. The abbot's approach to leadership is marked by flexibility and a willingness to adapt tradition to individual needs. He encourages Aiden to seek his true calling, even if it means leaving the monastery, and models a faith that is both rigorous and compassionate.

Jamie

Jamie is Elijah's fiancé, a librarian whose kindness and emotional intelligence stand in contrast to Aiden's intensity. Jamie's presence forces both Aiden and Elijah to confront the reality of moving on and the pain of loving someone who cannot fully return that love. Despite being hurt by the rekindling of Aiden and Elijah's relationship, Jamie responds with grace and forgiveness, ultimately serving as a catalyst for healing and growth.

Father Jordan

Father Jordan is a priest with a deep understanding of the complexities of faith, vocation, and desire. He appears at key moments in the narrative, offering cryptic but profound guidance. His own journey—straddling the boundaries between tradition and innovation, monasticism and the secular world—inspires Aiden to imagine new forms of spiritual community. Father Jordan's role is that of a spiritual midwife, helping Aiden and Elijah birth a new way of being.

Sean Bell

Sean is Aiden's older brother and Elijah's best friend. His loyalty, humor, and occasional exasperation ground the story in the realities of family life. Sean's perspective on Aiden's choices is both critical and loving, and his interactions with Elijah and Jamie add depth to the novel's exploration of forgiveness and belonging.

Brother Titus & Brother Thomas

These two young monks provide levity and warmth, embodying the playful side of monastic life. Their friendship with Aiden offers moments of joy and connection, reminding him that the cloister is not only a place of suffering and discipline, but also of laughter and love.

Brother Finbarr

Father Finbarr is the Trappist monk who oversees Aiden and Elijah's stay at St. Columba's. His strict adherence to silence and tradition challenges Aiden to confront the limits of asceticism and the cost of denying one's heart. Finbarr's presence is a reminder of the beauty and danger of total devotion.

Brother Luc

Brother Luc, a young monk in Provence, represents the possibility of joy and flexibility within the monastic tradition. His openness to change and his embrace of both work and prayer offer Aiden a vision of holiness that is not opposed to happiness or love.

Plot Devices

Dual Narrative Structure

The novel employs a dual narrative, alternating between Aiden's first-person account and Elijah's journal entries or published articles. This structure allows readers to inhabit both men's inner worlds, experiencing the story's events through the lens of longing, regret, and hope. The interplay of perspectives creates dramatic irony, as each man's doubts and desires are revealed to the reader before they are confessed to each other. The narrative is further enriched by the inclusion of letters, articles, and confessions, which serve as both plot devices and windows into the characters' souls.

The "What If" Game

Throughout the novel, Aiden and Elijah play a game of "what if," imagining alternate realities where they can be together without constraint. This motif serves as both a source of erotic tension and a metaphor for the choices they face. The game blurs the boundaries between fantasy and reality, allowing the characters to explore desires they cannot openly express. It also foreshadows the eventual collapse of those boundaries, as the men move from imagining to acting on their love.

Symbolism of Place

The various monasteries—Kansas, Belgium, France, Ireland—are more than settings; they are symbolic landscapes that reflect Aiden's internal journey. The Kansas abbey represents comfort and routine, Belgium and France offer beauty and temptation, and the Irish cliffs embody both desolation and clarity. Each place challenges Aiden to confront different aspects of himself, and the movement from one to another mirrors his progression from denial to acceptance, from isolation to connection.

Letters and Confessions

Letters, articles, and confessions punctuate the narrative, serving as moments of revelation and turning points in the plot. Elijah's farewell letter, Aiden's confessions to his mentors, and the published articles all function as acts of vulnerability and honesty. These written words allow the characters to articulate feelings they cannot speak aloud, and their exchange becomes a form of communion—a way of bridging the distance between hearts.

Foreshadowing and Circularity

The novel is rich in foreshadowing and circular structure. Early scenes—such as the fireflies in the cloister, the first kiss at a gala, or the storm in the hermitage—are echoed later in the narrative, creating a sense of inevitability and fate. The repetition of prayers, rituals, and "what if" games reinforces the idea that some loves and longings are inescapable, and that healing often requires returning to the place of one's deepest wounds.

Analysis

Saint by Sierra Simone is a profound meditation on the intersection of faith, desire, and the search for wholeness. At its core, the novel asks whether it is possible to love both God and another person without betrayal—whether the heart can be undivided, or whether true holiness requires embracing the fullness of human longing. Through the journeys of Aiden and Elijah, the story explores the costs of self-denial, the necessity of honesty, and the redemptive power of patience. The monastic setting serves as both sanctuary and crucible, a place where the boundaries between sacred and profane are tested and ultimately transcended. The novel's structure—alternating perspectives, recurring motifs, and symbolic landscapes—invites readers to inhabit the liminal spaces between certainty and doubt, tradition and innovation, solitude and connection. In the end, Saint offers a vision of love that is both sacrificial and abundant, rooted in the belief that there are many ways to the well, and that the journey toward wholeness is as holy as any destination. The lesson is clear: to be fully alive is to risk everything for love, to hold both the darkness and the light, and to trust that grace can be found even at the edge of the world.

Last updated: September 21, 2025