Plot Summary
Rage and Yearning Collide
April, a thirty-something woman working at a sex and relationships charity, opens with a raw, furious monologue about her hatred of men—how they take up space, misunderstand women, and perpetuate harm. Yet, beneath her rage, she confesses a deep yearning for male affection and validation, a contradiction that torments her. April's internal battle is set against the backdrop of her daily life: answering emails from women in crisis, navigating office banter, and obsessing over her latest romantic prospect. The chapter establishes April's voice—witty, self-aware, and painfully honest—and her struggle to reconcile her feminist anger with her persistent hope for love and connection.
The Hope of Simon
April's excitement over her new relationship with Simon is palpable. She analyzes every message, every date, and every sign that things might finally work out. Simon seems different: attentive, funny, and stable. April's friends, especially her married colleague Katy, offer advice and gentle skepticism. April's hope is tinged with anxiety—she fears being "too much," worries about her trauma resurfacing, and desperately wants to believe that Simon could be the one to break her cycle of disappointment. The chapter captures the intoxicating highs and lows of early dating, as well as the vulnerability of wanting to be loved.
Triggered at Work
April's job at the charity exposes her daily to stories of sexual violence and confusion about consent. She fields heartbreaking emails from women unsure if they've been raped by their boyfriends, and the emotional toll is immense. April's own trauma is triggered by these stories, and she relies on her colleagues, especially Matt, for support. The chapter explores the cumulative impact of vicarious trauma, the inadequacy of "template" responses, and the exhaustion of constantly helping others while struggling to help herself. April's professional competence is contrasted with her personal fragility.
Disappointment and Self-Blame
The much-anticipated night with Simon ends in disaster. During sex, April is triggered by his roughness and inability to read her cues. When she asks to stop, Simon withdraws emotionally, and the connection shatters. April spirals into self-blame, convinced she is "too much" and "unlovable." The next morning, Simon ends things with a string of clichés, and April is left to pick up the pieces. Her friends try to reassure her, but April internalizes the failure, haunted by the idea that she is fundamentally broken. The chapter is a gutting portrayal of rejection, shame, and the aftermath of trauma.
The Gretel Experiment
In the wake of heartbreak, April turns to self-help books and online advice, absorbing the endless rules about how women should behave to attract men. She creates a new dating profile under the name "Gretel," embodying the effortless, chill, sexy-yet-uncomplicated woman she believes men want. Gretel is everything April feels she cannot be: carefree, low-maintenance, and untouched by trauma. The experiment is both a coping mechanism and a form of revenge—a way to regain power by pretending to be someone else. April's voice is laced with irony and pain as she embarks on this social experiment.
Dating as Performance
As Gretel, April matches with Joshua, a kind, nerdy coder. Their interactions are playful and flirtatious, and April meticulously follows the "rules" of modern dating: delayed replies, breezy banter, and strategic vulnerability. She reflects on the absurdity of these rituals and the emotional labor required to maintain the illusion of being "chill." The chapter satirizes the performative nature of dating apps and the pressure on women to be desirable without appearing needy. April's internal monologue reveals her exhaustion and growing cynicism, even as she enjoys the power of being wanted.
Joshua: A New Beginning
Joshua stands out from April's previous dates—he is earnest, attentive, and genuinely interested in her. Their chemistry builds over a series of dates, and April is surprised by how much she enjoys his company. Yet, she continues to hide behind the Gretel persona, terrified that revealing her true self will scare him away. The tension between authenticity and self-protection intensifies as their relationship deepens. April's fear of vulnerability is palpable, and she oscillates between hope and dread, unsure if she can ever be truly known and loved.
Pretending to Be Perfect
As April and Joshua grow closer, the effort of maintaining the Gretel facade becomes overwhelming. April fakes orgasms, suppresses her needs, and avoids introducing Joshua to her real life. She is haunted by the knowledge that their intimacy is built on a lie, and the guilt gnaws at her. Meanwhile, her friendship with Megan provides a lifeline—Megan's own romantic struggles mirror April's, and their conversations are a source of comfort and dark humor. The chapter explores the cost of pretending and the loneliness of being unseen.
Sex, Trauma, and Flashbacks
When April and Joshua finally have sex, she is flooded with flashbacks to her past abuse. The experience is both physically and emotionally painful, and she dissociates to survive it. Joshua is initially oblivious, but April's distress eventually surfaces. She is forced to confront the impossibility of true intimacy while hiding her trauma. The chapter is a raw, unflinching depiction of the long shadow of sexual violence and the courage required to break the silence. April's journey toward honesty is fraught with fear and shame.
The Power of Female Friendship
April finds solace in her friendships, especially with Megan and a group of women she meets at a trauma-informed boxing class. The camaraderie and shared understanding among these women provide a counterpoint to the isolation of dating and the failures of men. Through laughter, tears, and physical exertion, April begins to process her pain and reclaim her sense of self. The chapter celebrates the resilience and strength of women supporting each other, and the healing that comes from being truly seen and understood.
Boxing Out the Pain
The boxing class becomes a metaphor for April's fight to reclaim her body and her life. Surrounded by other survivors, she channels her rage and grief into each punch and kick. The physicality of the class offers a release that words cannot, and April experiences moments of joy and empowerment. The group's rituals—affirmations, sharing circles, and collective laughter—help her shed some of the shame and self-blame she has carried for years. The chapter is a testament to the transformative power of community and embodied healing.
Therapy and Letting Go
April begins seeing Carol, a therapist, and finally allows herself to grieve and process her trauma. She resigns from her front-line role at the charity, recognizing the toll it has taken on her mental health. Therapy helps April understand the roots of her self-loathing and the futility of trying to be someone she's not. She starts to let go of Gretel, acknowledging that the fantasy of being "uncomplicated" is both impossible and unnecessary. The chapter marks a turning point in April's journey toward self-compassion and authenticity.
The Wedding Unravels Truth
At her friend Chrissy's wedding, April's real name is revealed, and Joshua is blindsided. The carefully constructed facade collapses, and April is forced to confront the consequences of her deception. In a rain-soaked confrontation, she confesses everything—her trauma, her fear, her reasons for pretending. Joshua, hurt and confused, shares his own history of betrayal. The chapter is a cathartic reckoning, as both characters grapple with the messiness of love, trust, and forgiveness. April's vulnerability is both her undoing and her salvation.
Owning the Mess
In the aftermath of the wedding, April sits with her shame and regret. She realizes that her desire for power and control was a response to feeling powerless for so long. Through honest conversations with Joshua and her friends, she begins to accept her flaws and the complexity of her experiences. The chapter is about taking responsibility, making amends, and learning to live with the messiness of being human. April's journey is no longer about finding the perfect relationship, but about finding peace with herself.
Trust, Honesty, and Healing
April and Joshua tentatively rebuild their relationship on a foundation of honesty and mutual vulnerability. They share their fears, disappointments, and hopes, recognizing that trust is a choice and a process. April continues therapy, deepens her friendships, and commits to being herself, even when it's hard. The chapter explores the ongoing work of healing—how progress is nonlinear, and how love requires both courage and humility. April's story becomes one of resilience, growth, and the possibility of joy after pain.
Becoming April Again
April finally says goodbye to Gretel, the fantasy self she created to survive. She acknowledges that Gretel was never real, and that striving to be her only deepened her sense of inadequacy. Through therapy, friendship, and self-reflection, April learns to accept her history, her needs, and her worth. She resigns herself to the uncertainty of love, choosing to show up as her true self, flaws and all. The chapter is a quiet triumph—a reclamation of identity and agency.
Love After Survival
One year later, April reflects on her journey. She still hates some men, but she also loves one—a man who tries, who listens, who stays. Their relationship is not a fairy tale, but a work in progress, marked by both magic and struggle. April recognizes that love does not erase trauma, nor does it guarantee happiness. But it is worth striving for, and so is she. The story ends with April embracing the messiness of life and love, hopeful but grounded in reality.
Analysis
Pretending is a searing, darkly funny, and ultimately hopeful exploration of trauma, gender politics, and the search for authentic love in a post-#MeToo world. Holly Bourne's novel dismantles the myth that women must be "chill," undemanding, and unscarred to be worthy of affection, exposing the emotional labor and self-erasure demanded by modern dating culture. Through April's journey—from rage and self-loathing, through the seductive power of pretending, to the hard-won acceptance of her messy, complicated self—the book interrogates what it means to heal, to trust, and to risk vulnerability after violence. Female friendship and community are depicted as vital sources of strength, while therapy and embodied practices like boxing offer pathways to reclaiming agency. The novel refuses easy answers: love does not "fix" trauma, and recovery is neither linear nor complete. Instead, Pretending offers a nuanced, compassionate vision of survival—one that honors pain, celebrates resilience, and insists that being truly seen, flaws and all, is both terrifying and necessary for real connection. The lesson is clear: pretending may offer temporary power, but only honesty—however imperfect—can lead to genuine intimacy and self-acceptance.
Review Summary
Pretending receives mixed reviews, averaging 3.84/5. Many readers praise Holly Bourne's raw, honest portrayal of trauma, sexual assault recovery, and modern dating pressures, with April's character resonating deeply. The boxing group and female friendships are frequently highlighted positives. Common criticisms include similarities to Bourne's previous work, an overly didactic tone, the ironic patriarchal ending undermining feminist messaging, lack of diversity, and insufficient trigger warnings. Readers consistently caution that the book's heavy themes make it unsuitable for those struggling with depression or sexual assault trauma.
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Characters
April
April is the protagonist—a thirty-something woman working at a sex and relationships charity in London. Scarred by past sexual trauma and a string of disappointing relationships, she oscillates between feminist rage and a desperate longing for love. April's psychological complexity is the heart of the novel: she is both deeply cynical and achingly hopeful, using humor and self-deprecation as armor. Her creation of the "Gretel" persona is a survival strategy, a way to reclaim power in a world that has repeatedly rendered her powerless. April's journey is one of painful self-discovery, as she learns to accept her imperfections, process her trauma, and risk vulnerability in pursuit of genuine connection.
Joshua
Joshua is April's main love interest—a kind, nerdy coder with his own history of heartbreak. He is attentive, emotionally available, and refreshingly honest, standing in stark contrast to April's previous partners. Joshua's openness is both a balm and a challenge for April, forcing her to confront her fear of intimacy. He is not without flaws—his own trust issues and need for reassurance mirror April's—but his willingness to listen, apologize, and try again make him a rare "good egg." Joshua's relationship with April is a dance of mutual healing, as both learn to navigate the complexities of love after betrayal.
Megan
Megan is April's best friend and flatmate, a PR professional with her own romantic scars. She provides comic relief, tough love, and unwavering support, often acting as April's sounding board and reality check. Megan's journey parallels April's—she, too, struggles with self-worth, heartbreak, and the allure of emotionally unavailable men. Their friendship is a lifeline, offering both women a space to be messy, honest, and unfiltered. Megan's decision to seek therapy signals a broader theme of collective healing and the importance of female solidarity.
Simon
Simon is the man April initially pins her hopes on—a seemingly perfect date who ultimately disappoints her. His inability to handle April's vulnerability and his retreat into clichés after their failed sexual encounter epitomize the failures of "nice guys" who lack true empathy. Simon's role is to catalyze April's realization that pretending to be "chill" and undemanding is a losing strategy. His rejection triggers April's descent into self-blame and her subsequent creation of Gretel.
Matt
Matt is April's colleague and friend at the charity—a gay man who provides a counterpoint to her cynicism about men. He is gentle, perceptive, and consistently checks in on April's well-being, both professionally and personally. Matt's presence demonstrates that not all men are threats, and his friendship is a source of comfort and perspective. He also models healthy boundaries and emotional labor, reminding April that support can come from unexpected places.
Katy
Katy is another colleague and friend, happily married and somewhat removed from the chaos of dating. She offers practical advice, gentle teasing, and a glimpse of what stability might look like. Katy's marriage is not idealized—she complains about her husband's flaws—but her perspective helps April see that all relationships require compromise and effort. Katy's role is to normalize April's struggles and provide a touchstone for what "normal" might mean.
Carol
Carol is April's clinical supervisor and later her private therapist. She guides April through the process of confronting her trauma, challenging her self-blame, and encouraging her to seek healthier coping mechanisms. Carol's interventions—suggesting boxing, the container method, and honest self-reflection—are pivotal in April's journey toward healing. She represents the importance of professional support and the slow, nonlinear nature of recovery.
Chrissy
Chrissy is April's old friend whose wedding serves as a narrative climax. Her journey from heartbreak to marriage is both a source of envy and a catalyst for April's self-examination. Chrissy's belief in love, her longing for affirmation from her husband, and her own insecurities highlight the universal nature of romantic yearning. Her wedding is the setting for April's reckoning with truth and the limits of pretending.
Charlotte
Charlotte is a fellow survivor and leader at the trauma-informed boxing class. She embodies resilience, humor, and the power of collective healing. Charlotte's openness about her own experiences helps April feel less alone and more hopeful about the possibility of recovery. Her friendship is a testament to the strength found in female community and the importance of physical as well as emotional release.
Ryan
Ryan is April's ex-boyfriend and the perpetrator of her sexual assault. Though he never appears directly, his presence haunts April's psyche and shapes her relationships with men. Ryan's abuse is the root of April's distrust, shame, and self-loathing. Her journey is, in many ways, an ongoing attempt to reclaim her body, her narrative, and her sense of worth from the damage he inflicted.
Plot Devices
Duality of Self: April vs. Gretel
The central plot device is April's creation of "Gretel," a persona embodying everything she believes men want—chill, sexy, untraumatized, and effortlessly cool. This duality allows the novel to explore the pressures on women to perform, the impossibility of being "enough," and the psychological toll of hiding one's true self. The Gretel experiment is both a coping mechanism and a satirical critique of dating culture, highlighting the absurdity and pain of trying to win love by erasing one's complexity.
Epistolary and Meta-Narrative Elements
The novel is interspersed with emails, self-help "guides," and imagined conversations between April and Gretel. These devices break the fourth wall, offering commentary on the rules of dating, the contradictions of modern romance, and the internalized misogyny women navigate. The meta-narrative structure allows for both humor and incisive social critique, while also giving voice to April's fragmented psyche.
Trauma as Narrative Engine
April's trauma is not a backstory but an active force in the narrative. Flashbacks, triggers at work, and the physicality of boxing are woven throughout, illustrating the ongoing impact of sexual violence. The plot is driven by April's attempts to manage, suppress, and ultimately confront her pain. Recovery is depicted as nonlinear, messy, and deeply relational—requiring both professional help and the support of other survivors.
Satire of Dating Culture
The novel skewers the endless advice and contradictory expectations placed on women in the dating world. Through April's internalization and subversion of these rules, the story exposes the emotional labor, self-censorship, and exhaustion of trying to be "dateable." The performative nature of dating apps, first dates, and relationship milestones is both mocked and mourned.
Female Friendship as Healing
The power of female friendship is a recurring motif, offering a counterbalance to the failures of men and the isolation of trauma. The boxing class, group chats, and intimate conversations with Megan and others provide spaces for honesty, laughter, and collective healing. These relationships are depicted as essential to survival and growth.
Honesty as Climax and Resolution
The narrative builds toward moments of radical honesty—April's confession to Joshua, her admission of needing help, and her farewell to Gretel. These climaxes are not neat resolutions but turning points that allow for genuine connection, self-acceptance, and the possibility of love after survival. The story resists fairy-tale endings, instead embracing the ongoing work of healing and the courage required to be seen.
