Notes on Being a Man

1. The Alarming State of American Men: A Call to Action

There is nothing more dangerous than a lonely, broke young man.

A growing crisis. American boys and men are falling behind faster than any other cohort in recent memory, facing systemic disadvantages in education, economic opportunity, and social connection. This crisis is evident in alarming statistics and personal anecdotes, often overlooked or dismissed by society.

• Boys mature later than girls, putting them at an educational disadvantage.
• Fewer male role models exist in K-12 education.
• Younger generations are significantly less wealthy than their parents and grandparents.

Economic and social decline. The social contract is broken for many young men, with unaffordable education and housing, skyrocketing debt, and a decline in well-paying jobs. This leads to increased rates of young men living at home, out of school, and out of work, contributing to a mating crisis as women seek economically viable partners.

• 60% of young men (18-24) live with parents; 1 in 5 still at 30.
• Workforce participation for men has fallen below 90%.
• 45% of men (18-25) have never approached a woman in person.

Deaths of despair. The consequences are deadly, with a disproportionate number of unemployed white males without college degrees dying from suicide, drug overdoses, and alcohol poisoning. The cultural conversation often frames men's struggles as their fault, ignoring systemic issues and the need for data-driven solutions.

• 70,000 Americans die annually from deaths of despair.
• Suicide and alcohol-related mortality rates are at a century high.
• The author connects personally, wondering how to raise his sons to thrive in this challenging world.

2. Masculinity's Core Purpose: Protect, Provide, Procreate

The ultimate goal for any male is to create what the author of Of Boys and Men, Richard Reeves (my Yoda on this subject), calls surplus value.

Three foundational pillars. Healthy masculinity, in its essence, revolves around three core functions: Protect, Provide, and Procreate. These aren't outdated concepts but timeless responsibilities that contribute to individual well-being and societal stability.

• Protect: Be a "mensch"—a person of integrity who sacrifices for something bigger than oneself, defending family and community.
• Provide: Take economic responsibility for your household, creating wealth, paying taxes, and earning social capital. This also means providing stability and support.
• Procreate: Ensure the species endures, not necessarily through biological children, but by investing time, energy, and resources to raise stronger, smarter, more impressive individuals.

Beyond self-interest. Creating surplus value means giving more than you get, extending love, kindness, and resources beyond what was given to you. This applies to all relationships—being a better son, brother, friend, employer, or father than those who came before.

• Surplus value is about contributing positively to the world and others.
• It's a shift from transactional relationships to generous, unconditional giving.

A historical perspective. The American middle class, a historical "freakery," emerged from an environment of attractive, heroic young men who demonstrated masculine excellence post-WWII. They protected, were rewarded with opportunities (GI Bill, FHA loans), and formed stable families, demonstrating how these pillars can rebuild society.

• WWII veterans, embodying masculine excellence, were given economic support.
• This led to widespread marriage, family formation, and economic growth.
• The author believes this "Peak Male" environment can be recreated.

3. The Power of Work: Follow Talent, Not Just Passion

Don’t follow your passion professionally. Find what you’re good at—and follow your talent.

Work as transformation. Work is a formative and transformative force, teaching accountability, empathy, and resilience. Low-paying first jobs, though often "shitty," are crucial for socialization, teaching teamwork, customer service, and the value of earning money.

• Work teaches you to deal with difficult people and situations.
• It builds self-respect and a sense of purpose.
• It hardens you to rejection and teaches scrappiness.

Talent over passion. Instead of blindly following passion, identify what you're good at, what the market values, and what the internet can't easily replace. Passion can grow from competence and the rewards it brings, rather than being a prerequisite.

• Focus on fields with high employment rates and resistance to automation.
• Economic security, derived from talent, allows for other pursuits later in life.
• The author's own career path was driven by identifying what he was good at (communication, strategy), not a pre-existing passion.

Warrior mentality in your twenties. The early years of your career disproportionately set its trajectory. Embrace a "warrior" mindset: be mentally and physically strong, disciplined, and willing to tackle boring tasks with intensity.

• Lift heavy weights and run long distances, both physically and mentally.
• Don't just do what's asked; do what you're capable of.
• Assume "balance" is a myth in your early career; focus on trade-offs for long-term success.

4. Prioritize Physical and Mental Health: Your Body is Your Temple

Walking into any conference room or bar and believing that, if shit got real, he could defend himself gives a young man confidence.

The fitness imperative. Physicality is essential for immediate and long-term health, confidence, and overall well-being. Declining sports participation among boys is alarming, as physical activity builds strength, resilience, and a willingness to engage with the physical world.

• Obesity is normalized in the U.S., leading to massive healthcare costs and military recruitment issues.
• Boys need to run, roughhouse, build, and smash things to express masculinity.
• Exercise is a powerful antidepressant, boosting mood, focus, and sleep.

Mind the gap. The biggest secret to working out is simply doing it, collapsing the gap between "should" and "do." Consistency and intensity, even in short bursts, are more effective than sporadic, long sessions.

• Aim for 3 cardio sessions and 2-3 resistance training sessions per week.
• Prioritize sunlight exposure in the morning for mental health.
• Don't overdo it; keep gas in the tank to prevent injury and maintain consistency.

Vulnerability as strength. Men are often conditioned to suppress emotions, viewing vulnerability as weakness. However, expressing feelings and seeking help are signs of strength, not fragility. Developing emotional fluency and communicating openly with friends and family is crucial for mental well-being.

• Therapy can be immensely beneficial, despite social stigmas.
• Sharing upsets and triumphs builds stronger relationships and provides support.
• The author uses "SCAFA" (Sweat, Clean eating, Abstinence, Family, Affection) as his personal mental health regimen.

5. Cultivate Deep Friendships: Your Lifeline Against Loneliness

Having no friends can literally kill you.

The friendship recession. Loneliness is a national epidemic, particularly for men, who are experiencing a "friendship recession." Men are less likely to rely on friends for emotional support, leading to isolation that rivals smoking in its impact on early death.

• Since 1990, the percentage of Americans with fewer than three close friends has doubled.
• Men often rely more on romantic partners for emotional support, leaving them vulnerable if relationships end.
• Loneliness impacts well-being akin to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.

Proactive connection. Friendship doesn't happen organically in adulthood; it requires proactive effort and vulnerability. Men need to actively seek out social situations, practice emotional expression, and invest in existing relationships.

• "Only connect" – make an effort to reach out, check in, and compliment friends.
• Be willing to "go first" in sharing personal feelings to encourage deeper connection.
• Friendship is a muscle that strengthens with use; keep pulsing it throughout adulthood.

Economic and social returns. Beyond emotional well-being, friendships offer tangible benefits. Having wealthier friends is a strong predictor of upward mobility, and civic engagement strengthens communities and economies.

• Unemployed volunteers are 27% more likely to find work due to social capital.
• Regions with greater civic engagement are more resistant to economic slowdowns.
• The author learned the importance of friendship later in life, realizing isolation was a path to an unengaged, shorter life.

6. Love, Marriage, and Family: The Most Profound Decisions

Who you marry is meaningful; who you have kids with is profound.

The ultimate ends. Love and relationships are the ultimate "ends" in life, with everything else serving as "means." Unconditional love, given completely without expectation of return, is the most rewarding and immortalizing human accomplishment.

• Love received is comforting, reciprocated is rewarding, given completely is eternal.
• It's the secret sauce for Homo sapiens' survival and evolution.

Choosing your partner wisely. The most important decision is who you choose to have children with. A kind, competent, and enjoyable partner guarantees a life of comfort and reward, while misalignment leads to anxiety and disappointment.

• Override the emotion of scarcity; there are enough partners out there.
• Like someone who likes you; don't fall for the trap of pursuing those who are "not that into you."
• Align on passion (attraction), values (religion, trust, parenting), and money (financial approach).

Marriage benefits. Marriage offers significant economic, social, and health advantages. Married couples accumulate more assets, live longer, and are generally happier. It provides guardrails and a stable foundation for raising children.

• Married couples have 3x the assets of single peers by their fifties.
• Higher marriage rates correlate with greater GDP per capita and reduced child poverty.
• Guardrails from a partner help regulate life and prevent bad decisions, especially for men.

7. Embrace Kindness and Manners: The Foundation of Respect

Manners are manhood in action, good rehearsal for delivering surplus value.

Manhood in action. Good manners are not superficial but a profound expression of respect, discipline, and consideration for others. They are a "life hack" that opens doors, builds relationships, and signals a man's character.

• Manners communicate respect, a core, and discipline.
• They show you anticipate and consider others before yourself, embodying surplus value.
• The author's mom instilled manners and hygiene, emphasizing their importance.

Practical applications. Simple acts of courtesy, like standing up when someone enters a room, making eye contact, asking questions, and holding doors, demonstrate a man's readiness to protect and serve.

• Stand up: Acknowledge others' presence, conveying respect and attentiveness.
• Ask questions: Show curiosity and make others feel valued, rather than assuming they're riveted by you.
• Pay for women: If you can afford it, pay for meals and activities, recognizing historical economic disparities and demonstrating a protective instinct.
• Don't interrupt: Listen actively and let others finish their thoughts, resisting the urge to "butt in."

Generosity as a virtue. Being generous, especially with money, is one of the best feelings and a powerful antidote to the trauma of scarcity. It's about giving more than you take, without keeping score, and finding joy in contributing to others' well-being.

• The author's dad's miserliness traumatized him, driving his own generosity.
• "If my rich friends aren’t body-slamming one another to be the first to pay, then we’re not friends."
• Generosity is a form of surplus value, making you a better person and fostering positive relationships.

8. Confront Addictions and Digital Distraction: Reclaim Your Agency

Porn is a risk- and masculinity-killer.

The addiction economy. Modern society is fueled by an "addiction economy" where the world's richest companies profit by leveraging human instincts for dopamine. This makes young men especially susceptible to various addictions, from gambling and drugs to social media and porn.

• Men are more prone to illicit drug use, excessive drinking, and gambling addiction.
• Online gambling has led to a 28% increase in bankruptcies in some states.
• Social media addiction is rampant, linked to increased anxiety, depression, and suicide rates among teens.

Porn's insidious impact. Pornography, while often seen as harmless in moderation, can become a "stealth wrecking ball" when consumed excessively. It risks objectifying women, replacing real intimacy with screen-based connection, and diminishing ambition and sexual energy for real partners.

• Pornhub is among the top 20 global websites; OnlyFans generated $6.6 billion in 2023, largely from male users.
• Excessive porn consumption is linked to objectifying attitudes toward women and reduced motivation for real-life mating.
• Horniness is healthy; it drives young men to take risks and connect with women in person.

Reclaiming agency. Combatting addiction requires conscious effort to limit digital distractions and reallocate time to more productive, real-world activities. Parents must set strict boundaries for screen time, and individuals must recognize the dangers of constant dopamine hits.

• An "electronics fast" can reset the nervous system and lower dopamine thresholds.
• Emphasize "slow-dopa" activities like reading, working out, and building things.
• Seek help for addiction; vulnerability is strength, and isolation is a disease.

9. Acknowledge Privilege and Give Back: The Path to True Manhood

Part of maturing and becoming a man means acknowledging your blessings—and creating opportunities for others.

American-made success. Much of one's success is a function of luck, timing, and privilege, especially for those born in prosperous nations like the United States. Acknowledging these blessings is a crucial step in maturing and becoming a responsible man.

• The author attributes much of his success to being a white, heterosexual male born in 1960s California with access to elite education.
• America, despite its flaws, offers unparalleled economic opportunities and tolerance for risk-takers.
• "I’d rather be average in America than good in Europe."

The debt of privilege. With privilege comes an obligation to "pay it forward" by creating opportunities for others and ensuring the "drawbridge hasn't closed." This means actively working to address societal inequalities and supporting those less fortunate.

• Younger generations face legitimate economic hardships not experienced by their parents.
• The author imposes a self-tax, giving away more than he spends annually, to combat his "more" addiction and feel patriotic.
• Giving back is not just virtue signaling; it's a source of joy, respect, and personal fulfillment.

Beyond the scorecard. True manhood involves moving beyond a transactional mindset, where you constantly measure what you give versus what you get. It's about becoming a generous, loving person who contributes surplus value without keeping score.

• "I jettisoned the scorecard. I became, or at least tried to become, a generous, loving man."
• This mindset unlocks greater happiness and allows for overpaying people, overtipping, and being a better friend, employer, and family member.
• The goal is to give more love, hope, and encouragement, pay more taxes, and create more jobs than you receive.

10. Fatherhood: The Ultimate Act of Selfless Love and Legacy

Having kids is the best thing you can do that will ruin your life.

The profound shift. Fatherhood is a profoundly transformative experience, initially marked by panic and nausea, but quickly evolving into unconditional love and an intense drive to protect and provide. It demands the death of the selfish, pre-kid self.

• New dads' testosterone levels drop, shifting focus from mate competition to nurturing.
• The author's financial crisis coincided with his first son's birth, intensifying his drive to provide.
• Having a second child amplifies the joy, stress, and noise, creating a true family dynamic.

The gift of presence. "Garbage time"—the random, unplanned moments like driving kids to school or cooking dinner—is where true intimacy and connection are forged. It's about omnipresence, making yourself available for those unexpected conversations and shared experiences.

• Quality time is a myth; consistent presence is what matters.
• Kids will remember you were there, making it possible for them to share things.
• This often means sacrificing personal interests and being "unimpressed" by your kids, but it's a compliment that they take your presence for granted.

Leaving a legacy of love. The ultimate role of a procreator is to be a better dad than your own father was to you, breaking cycles of neglect or trauma. This means modeling physical affection, engaging in their interests, and consistently communicating principles of kindness, empathy, and perseverance.

• "Model physical affection as often as possible with your kids. It’s magical."
• Your kids won't inherit your interests; you must adopt theirs to foster connection.
• The goal is to provide surplus value in love, ensuring your children feel immensely loved and confident, even if they don't always show appreciation.

Last updated: November 15, 2025