Low-Demand Parenting

1. Embrace Neurodiversity: Kids "Can't," Not "Won't"

Since our children are hard-wired for connection and are intrinsically motivated to do their best to please us, when they are not able to meet our expectations (think: behavior), it’s because they can’t do it, not that they won’t do it.

Shift perspective. Traditional parenting often assumes children "won't" comply, leading to punishment. Low-demand parenting, however, posits that children "can't" meet certain expectations due to neurobiological differences, anxiety, or skill deficits. This fundamental shift fosters empathy and understanding.

Uniquely wired. Many children are "differently wired," encompassing diagnoses like ADHD, autism, giftedness, anxiety, and sensory processing disorder. These brains have novel neuronal connections, leading to intense experiences and struggles with demands others manage easily. For PDAers (Pathological Demand Avoidance), an extreme need for autonomy makes perceived demands feel like threats.

Release blame. Recognizing "can't, not won't" means releasing the belief that children are willfully disobedient or testing boundaries. Instead, their challenging behaviors are stress responses, signals of suffering. This perspective allows parents to seek accommodations rather than impose control.

2. Prioritize Connection: Meltdowns Are Stress Responses

The most important thing a parent can do when children are having a hard time is stay connected.

Co-regulation is vital. Brain science shows children regulate their stress by mirroring calm, connected adults. Disconnection, disapproval, or punishment exacerbate a child's stress, leading to more "bad behavior" which is actually a stress response.

Meltdowns are panic attacks. Viewing meltdowns as acute anxiety overload, a panicked brain in survival mode, changes the parental response. Punishments or demands for self-control are ineffective; instead, a connected adult helps the child return to a calm state.

Heal yourself. This approach is demanding for parents, who may also experience stress or trauma. Healing your own nervous system through therapy, trauma-informed practices, or self-care is crucial to offer a calm, steady presence to your child.

3. Systematically Uncover and Drop Demands

Demands have many layers, both for the child and the adult.

Demands are layered. A demand is the surface request, beneath which lies an expectation (the desired behavior), and deeper still, an adult's underlying need or desire. For example, "stop hitting your brother" (demand) implies "learn to be gentle" (expectation) and "I need quiet" (adult need).

Identify subtle demands. Demands aren't just big events like mealtimes or school; they include tiny, often invisible expectations. These can be about:

• When, where, or how quickly something happens
• Specific items or order of actions
• Who is present or how communication occurs

Avoid "fake drops." Simply dropping a demand without addressing the underlying expectation or adult need leads to resentment and burnout. A "fake drop" is when you stop asking, but still believe the child should be able to do it, which children sense, causing shame.

4. Follow a Six-Step Process for Demand Reduction

There are six steps to effectively drop a demand: Put words to the demand itself, Find out why this matters to you, Listen to your child, Work proactively to drop demands, Get creative in taking care of your own needs—without asking your child to do anything differently, Create house rules.

Structured approach. This systematic process moves beyond reactive "in the moment" demand dropping to proactive, sustainable change. It begins with precise identification of demands, moving to deep introspection about parental "why."

Proactive solutions. Once demands and underlying needs are understood, parents can creatively solve problems. This involves anticipating challenges and implementing solutions that reduce demands for everyone, not just the child.

Integrate self-care. A crucial step is finding ways to meet your own needs without placing new demands on your child or partner. This ensures the low-demand approach is sustainable and prevents parental burnout.

5. Listen Deeply Through Meaningful Communication

Listening doesn’t need to involve any words.

Beyond verbal. Children, especially neurodivergent ones, communicate meaningfully through body language, actions, and even meltdowns. Parents must become "demand detectives," observing these nonverbal cues to understand their child's experience.

Declarative language. When verbal communication is possible, use declarative language (statements or observations) instead of questions, which can be intense demands. Phrases like "I wonder if..." or "I have a guess that..." invite a response without demanding one.

Trust and safety. Creating an environment where children feel safe to share their struggles, without judgment or shame, is paramount. Your calm energy and genuine curiosity are more impactful than explicit words.

6. Proactively Meet Your Own Needs Creatively

The secret sauce of low-demand parenting is the ease and flow that it brings into life, so the low-demand approach also needs to apply to the parent.

Self-care is not selfish. Low-demand parenting is not about sacrificing parental needs. Resentment signals unmet needs, prompting parents to creatively find solutions for themselves without adding demands on their children.

Creative problem-solving. If a child's inability to put on shoes creates stress for the parent (e.g., feeling rushed, losing keys), the parent can find alternative solutions:

• Start routines earlier
• Bring shoes to the child
• Use key trackers
• Shift "getting ready" locations

Sustainable lifestyle. By addressing your own "why" and needs, you transform the low-demand approach into a sustainable lifestyle that benefits the entire family. This prevents burnout and fosters genuine connection.

7. Reframe Screen-Time as a Tool for Connection

If I wasn’t controlling their screens, maybe I didn’t need to control them at all.

Challenge societal fear. Society often demonizes screen-time, creating parental shame and conflict. Low-demand parenting encourages viewing screens as morally neutral tools, like any other activity, and challenging the "ultimate evil" narrative.

Release shame and celebrate passion. The author's "big drop" was releasing screen-time limits, which allowed her autistic son to heal from burnout. This shift fostered connection, as she engaged with his gaming passions, leading to open, shame-free conversations about digital literacy and safety.

Autonomy and learning. Screens offer children control, creativity, and opportunities for social, emotional, and academic learning. They provide a controlled environment for problem-solving and connection, allowing children to regulate their own usage in line with their needs.

8. Extend Low-Demand Principles to Co-Parenting

I had to extend the same grace to my husband as I was learning to offer our kids (and myself!).

Grace for partners. It's common for one partner to adopt low-demand parenting more readily. Extending the "can't, not won't" mindset to your partner means recognizing their struggles and pace of change without judgment or demands.

Identify partner's demands. Just as with children, uncover the demands you place on your partner, their underlying expectations, and your own deep needs (e.g., "Do you love me? Do you trust me?"). This vulnerability is key to transformative conversations.

Collaborative solutions. After deep, patient listening to each other's concerns and needs, partners can proactively drop demands for one another. This might involve adjusting household chores, meal routines, or even agreeing to disagree on certain parenting approaches, fostering trust and alignment.

9. Create Empowering, "Can-Focused" House Rules

Stating these as “family rules” takes the wondering out of it.

Clear boundaries. House rules bring unspoken demands into explicit communication, creating a supportive structure for the family. These rules should be organized around what can be done, rather than negations or prohibitions.

Autonomy-focused. Examples include:

• "We do not force or pressure one another. No means no, always. Your body, your choice."
• "We can eat anything, anytime, anywhere. We listen to our bodies."
• "We can choose when to use our screens without shame or limits."

Applies to all. These rules apply to parents too, fostering a culture of mutual respect and autonomy. This approach reduces nervous system activation and encourages genuine self-regulation, rather than compliance driven by fear.

10. Embrace Self-Acceptance for True Liberation

Radical self-acceptance is necessary to accept my children and create a world where they can flourish.

Break free from molds. The author's journey, as a "square peg" mother raising "square peg" children in a "round hole world," highlights the pain of conforming. Embracing her own undiagnosed autism was crucial to accepting her children's neurodivergence.

Internal transformation. The greatest change occurs within the parent. Releasing control, societal "shoulds," and old dreams allows for a profound shift in identity and a deeper alignment with children. This fosters limitless courage and freedom.

Dream new dreams. Grieving old, culturally prescribed dreams (e.g., quiet dinners, well-behaved children) makes space for new, authentic dreams that celebrate the unique reality of the family. This leads to a future of radical self-acceptance, where difference is celebrated without shame.

Last updated: January 18, 2026