Keep Your Love On

1. Relationships Thrive When Powerful People Choose Love

In order to be able to make and keep commitments like this—commitments to enduring, intimate relationships—you need to be a certain kind of person. You need to be a powerful person.

Choose your relationships. Lasting, intimate relationships aren't accidental; they are built through hard work and intentional choice. The foundation is not "You chose me," but "I choose you," a commitment based on who you are and what you are committed to doing. This requires you to be a powerful person who takes responsibility for your life and decisions, choosing who you want to be with and how you will pursue that relationship, regardless of the other person's actions.

Powerless vs. Powerful. Powerless people are driven by anxiety and fear, using language like "I can't" or "I have to," and relying on others to meet their needs. They often try to control or manipulate others, blame external factors for their problems, and create environments of anxiety. In contrast, powerful people control themselves, not others, and deliberately create respectful environments by modeling the behavior they expect.

Becoming powerful. Moving from a powerless to a powerful mindset requires repentance – changing the way you think. This involves identifying and renouncing lies (especially about control and responsibility) and embracing the truth, often with the help of others or inner healing tools. Choosing to be powerful, taking responsibility for your choices, and committing to love is the most rewarding path to healthy relationships.

2. Fear Drives Disconnection; Love Creates Safety

When the threat of harm is high, the level of love is low.

Pain triggers fear. Our natural reaction to pain or the threat of pain is fear, leading to fight, flight, or freeze responses, all aimed at creating distance. Many grow up in relational cultures that use fear-based tools like control, manipulation, and withholding love, teaching that only one person can be powerful and instilling the lie that we can and should control others. This sets us up to treat people like "rattlesnakes," avoiding intimacy.

God's fearless love. Unlike human fear, God's love is perfect and fearless; He relentlessly moves toward us despite our mistakes and sin, demonstrating that His goal is connection, not distance. He created us for freedom, giving us choice, because true love requires freedom, not control. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty, showing that partnering with God increases our freedom and power.

Fear is the enemy. Fear and love are opposing forces from different kingdoms; they cannot coexist. Partnering with the Spirit of love requires a "no tolerance" policy for fear and punishment in relationships. Choosing to respond with love in the face of pain, rather than reacting out of fear, is essential for building healthy connections and requires training your mind, will, and body to obey love, not instinct.

3. Commit to Connection as Your Primary Relationship Goal

The truth is that every relationship has one of two goals: connection or disconnection.

Intentional direction. Relationships are always moving towards either connection or disconnection, revealed by the skills and habits people adopt. Many couples drift into disconnection unconsciously, developing skill sets around creating safe distance rather than safe connection. Recognizing this default trajectory is the first step towards intentional change.

Choose your goal. You must consciously decide whether your goal is distance or connection. If distance is the goal, no relational tools will help build intimacy. Only when you commit to pursuing connection do you become motivated to acquire the necessary skills to move towards others, even when it's difficult or scary.

Fight for connection. Committing to connection means facing the core battle between fear and love. It requires making fundamental commitments: "It's my job to control myself" and "My number-one goal and priority in relationships is building and protecting connection." This powerful choice demands significant investment but leads to becoming a person capable of keeping your love on, no matter what others do.

4. Master the Art of Communicating Love and Needs

Communication exposes what is going on inside the human heart.

Truth or facade. Communication reveals the heart's state; fear leads to hiding and confusing messages, while faith, hope, and love release truth. Fear of truth hijacks communication, preventing honest expression of feelings, thoughts, and needs, often because people were never taught how to interpret or value their internal reality. You cannot value or understand others if you don't value or understand yourself.

Powerless communication styles. Fear-based communication manifests as passive ("You matter, I don't"), aggressive ("I matter, you don't"), or passive-aggressive ("You matter... No, not really!"). These styles are rooted in false beliefs about self-worth and destroy connection by preventing genuine truth exchange. They are all ultimately driven by fear and selfishness, despite appearances.

Assertive communication. The powerful alternative is assertive communication: "You matter and so do I." This style values the internal reality of both individuals, requiring courage to show what's happening inside oneself. Assertive communicators insist on mutual respect and equal value in conversations, refusing to engage in devaluing exchanges and setting boundaries when others slip into powerless roles.

5. Build Trust Through Vulnerability and Meeting Needs

From the moment we enter the world, our deepest need is to love and be loved by other human beings and to engage in lasting relational bonds.

The trust cycle. Trust is fundamental to healthy development and relationships, built through consistently completed trust cycles: having a need, expressing it, receiving a response, and having the need satisfied. This cycle requires relational connection; unmet needs or negative responses damage trust, leading to wounds and agreement with lies about unworthiness.

Expressing needs. Expressing needs is crucial for completing the trust cycle and building connection. People who haven't learned this skill may expect others to telepathically know their needs, a desire rooted in powerlessness and fear of vulnerability. God models healthy need expression by asking us to ask Him, showing that the connection built through vulnerability is essential for needs to be met.

"I messages" build trust. Respectful communication requires telling others about you, not telling them about them. The "I message" ("I feel [emotion] when [experience] and I need to feel [emotion]") is a powerful tool for expressing feelings and needs without judgment, allowing the other person to see your heart and choose how to respond. This vulnerability is key to building intimacy ("into-me-see") and trust, overcoming the fear of rejection that drives people towards destructive counterfeits like addiction.

6. Navigate Conflict by Fighting For Connection

The “thing” at stake, if you are curious, is the health of the relational connection.

Conflict is inevitable. Conflict is a natural part of relationships, like disease or injury to a body. While preventing conflict is ideal, navigating it healthily can strengthen the connection, making individuals more powerful and the bond more resilient. The critical choice is whether to let conflict tear you apart or fight for your connection within it.

Build conflict resistance. Healthy communication practices – understanding, valuing self and others, setting boundaries, expressing needs, listening, and speaking love languages – build a strong, conflict-resistant connection. Consistently prioritizing connection when things are calm prepares you to pass the test when storms arise. Jesus modeled this by intentionally creating opportunities for His disciples to prioritize their connection with Him above offense or disagreement.

Defuse fear in conflict. Conflict becomes ugly when fear triggers fight, flight, or freeze reactions, all damaging to connection. Recognizing these reactions in yourself and others is key. To steer conflict towards resolution, you must require respect and focus on discovering and meeting needs. A respectful conversation has the goal of strengthening connection by understanding needs, not winning an argument or demanding change.

7. Establish Healthy Boundaries to Protect Your Life and Relationships

You are responsible to manage different levels of intimacy, responsibility, influence, and trust with people in your life.

Levels of intimacy. Not everyone should have the same access to your life. Healthy relationships require managing different levels of intimacy, prioritizing those in your inner circles (God, spouse, close family/friends) over those in outer circles (acquaintances, strangers). Jesus modeled this prioritization with the Father, the twelve, the three, and the one.

Boundaries protect your "garden". Your life is a garden given by God, which you are responsible to tend and keep. Healthy boundaries protect the value and fruitfulness of your garden from consumers – people who want to take without giving back. Boundaries are not selfish when used to protect your ability to sustain health, generosity, and healthy relationships; they are necessary to ensure you have resources to offer your core connections.

Setting limits. Setting limits involves clearly stating what you will do, based on your priorities, rather than telling others what they must do. This requires valuing your own life and commitments, even when it means saying "no" to others, especially those in your inner circles who might inadvertently threaten your priorities (like Jesus setting a boundary with Peter). Codependency, trying to control others' problems, is not love but a failure to set boundaries and take responsibility for oneself.

8. Prioritize Your Core Relationships, Starting with God

If you don’t prioritize your relationship with God, then your God Spot will end up with a human being in it.

God at the core. The innermost circle of intimacy, the "God Spot," belongs solely to God. He is the only one who knows you perfectly, deserves your primary allegiance, and holds ultimate influence in your life. Placing a human being in this spot is idolatry and throws your priorities, resources, and relationships out of balance, leading to powerlessness and destructive behaviors.

God protects relationships. Prioritizing your relationship with God doesn't compete with human relationships; it protects them. God teaches you how to love others and defines the healthy priorities and boundaries for your relationships. His Spirit provides the power, love, and self-control needed to maintain these priorities and boundaries, even when challenged.

The big "yes". God's "yes" to us – giving us access to the deepest spot in His heart and offering us all that He is – enables our big "yes" to Him. Choosing God above all other options, circumstances, feelings, and desires, especially when uncomfortable, makes us powerful. Experiencing His love anchors us in valuing our lives and living within the boundaries that keep Him as the priority, which in turn protects the priorities He sets for our human connections.

9. Take Responsibility for Your Own Well-being

Powerlessness, irresponsibility, and lack of boundaries are all rooted in failing to value your life as you should.

Value your life. Your life is a gift of infinite value from God. Receiving and internalizing this value is the foundation for setting healthy boundaries and taking responsibility for your well-being. Failing to value your life leads to powerlessness, allowing others to exploit you and preventing you from cultivating the resources necessary to thrive and contribute to others.

Tend your garden. God has given each person a "garden" – their life, including physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health, talents, finances, etc. You are solely responsible for tending and keeping this garden. You must invest in its cultivation to produce good fruit.

Oxygen mask principle. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's a prerequisite for being able to care for others. Like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else, you must ensure your own health and fruitfulness to have something valuable to offer in relationships. Not tending your garden leaves you dependent on others and sets up unhealthy, consuming dynamics.

10. Set Limits by Clearly Stating What You Will Do

As a powerful person, you always want to be focused on what you have the power to control—yourself.

Focus on your actions. Setting boundaries effectively means focusing on what you will do, based on your priorities and commitments, rather than telling others what they should or shouldn't do. This keeps you in control of your responses and resources, defined by your values, not by the demands or choices of others. It requires the ability to say "yes" to your priorities and, consequently, "no" to things that compete with them.

Communicate your plan. Clearly stating your intentions – "I'm going to spend time with my family," "I've committed that evening," "Saturdays are for study" – communicates your boundaries without needing to make excuses or justify your choices. This powerful communication respects the other person's freedom to react however they choose while maintaining your commitment to your own path.

Actions speak loudest. Ultimately, people will believe your actions more than your words when it comes to boundaries. Consistently following through on what you say you will do reinforces your limits and teaches others how to interact with you respectfully. This proactive approach is a strong offense against being consumed and protects the health of your relationships by ensuring they are based on mutual respect for individual priorities and responsibilities.

Last updated: June 14, 2025