Infidel

1. A Childhood Defined by Clan, Tradition, and Trauma

"Somali children must memorize their lineage: this is more important than almost anything."

Clan identity. Ayaan's early life in Somalia was deeply rooted in her clan, the Darod, where lineage defined identity and social standing. Her formidable grandmother instilled in her the importance of ancestral knowledge and the harsh realities of nomadic survival. This upbringing emphasized strength, suspicion, and strict adherence to clan rules, particularly for girls whose honor was paramount.

Traumatic FGM. A pivotal and traumatic event was Ayaan's female genital mutilation (FGM) at age five, a practice justified by her grandmother as purification to prevent future promiscuity. Despite her modern father's opposition, the procedure was carried out in his absence, leaving lasting physical and psychological scars. This experience, shared with her sister Haweya, highlighted the brutal enforcement of traditional gender roles.

Early injustice. Even as a child, Ayaan witnessed the arbitrary power of the state under dictator Siad Barre, whose secret police instilled fear and whose regime led to her father's imprisonment. Her mother's desperate efforts to provide for the family through the black market, and the constant threat of betrayal, taught Ayaan early lessons in survival and the pervasive nature of injustice, laying the groundwork for her later questioning of authority.

2. The Allure and Repression of Strict Islam

"To be beloved of God, you had to be modest, and Asha Artan wanted to be the most proper, most virtuous woman in the city."

Mother's embrace. Ayaan's mother, Asha, sought refuge and identity in a stricter form of Islam after leaving her nomadic roots and first husband. In Aden and later Saudi Arabia, she adopted the veil and rigorous prayer rituals, believing that adherence to Allah's laws would bring certainty and virtue. This contrasted sharply with the more relaxed, syncretic Islam of the Somali desert, where women were not expected to veil or pray as regularly.

Saudi realities. Life in Saudi Arabia, the homeland of the Prophet, exposed Ayaan to a society governed by strict Islamic law, where public executions, floggings, and stonings were routine. Women were completely subjugated, requiring male guardianship for even basic activities, and racial prejudice against black foreigners was rampant. This environment, while offering a sense of divine order, also revealed the brutal consequences of literalist interpretations of religious texts.

Brotherhood's influence. The rise of the Muslim Brotherhood, with its call for a return to "pure" Islam, further shaped Ayaan's understanding of faith. Preachers like Boqol Sawm emphasized total obedience, strict gender segregation, and the rejection of non-Muslim influences. This movement, fueled by Saudi wealth, offered a sense of purpose and community amidst societal decay, but also reinforced rigid doctrines that would later become central to Ayaan's intellectual rebellion.

3. Western Ideas as a Catalyst for Doubt and Desire

"All these books, even the trashy ones, carried with them ideas—races were equal, women were equal to men—and concepts of freedom, struggle, and adventure that were new to me."

Education's liberation. Moving to Kenya opened Ayaan's world to English-language education and Western literature. Books like Nancy Drew, Enid Blyton, and later, classic novels, introduced her to concepts of individual freedom, adventure, and gender equality that were starkly absent from her traditional upbringing. These narratives provided an escape and planted seeds of doubt about the rigid social structures and gender roles she had always known.

First love. Her first romantic relationship with Kennedy, a Kenyan boy, further challenged Islamic prohibitions against premarital intimacy and interfaith relationships. The "thrilling sex" imagined from novels contrasted sharply with the painful, duty-bound experiences described by married Somali women. This personal experience of desire, deemed sinful by her faith, created a profound internal conflict between her burgeoning individuality and religious dogma.

Internal conflict. While outwardly embracing the strictures of the Muslim Brotherhood, including wearing a full hijab, Ayaan secretly grappled with the inconsistencies between Islamic teachings and her observations. Questions about God's justice, women's subjugation, and the logic of religious rules began to surface. This period marked the beginning of her "inner struggle," where the desire for truth clashed with the imperative for unquestioning submission.

4. The Painful Choice: Personal Freedom vs. Family Honor

"I felt, suddenly, that the price of my sense of belonging in Somalia would be my sense of self."

Burden of marriage. Upon returning to Somalia, Ayaan faced the imminent threat of an arranged marriage to Abdellahi Abdi Aynab, a devout Muslim and son of a man revered for aiding her father. Despite the family's approval and the perceived honor of the match, Ayaan felt a profound sense of dread. This was not a union of love or personal choice, but a predetermined fate that would extinguish her nascent individuality.

Secret disillusionment. In a desperate attempt to assert some control and satisfy her desires, Ayaan secretly married her cousin Mahmud, a decision driven by lust rather than affection. The wedding night, however, was a painful and unromantic experience, mirroring the accounts of other excised women. This disillusionment solidified her resolve to escape the traditional path, revealing the stark reality of sexual repression within her culture.

Decision to flee. The escalating civil war in Somalia, coupled with the suffocating social control and lack of personal space, reinforced Ayaan's conviction that she could not thrive there. The prospect of a life devoid of self-determination, trapped in a marriage she didn't want, pushed her to make a momentous decision: to abandon her family and seek true freedom. This act of defiance, though fraught with guilt, marked her "real birthday" as an autonomous individual.

5. The Netherlands: A New World of Order, Reason, and Rights

"I felt safe; I could follow my curiosity. I walked until my feet hurt. Everything was so well kept. The grooves between the cobbles on the street were clean. The shopfronts gleamed."

Shocking contrast. Arriving in the Netherlands as an asylum seeker, Ayaan was immediately struck by the order, cleanliness, and efficiency of European society. The stark contrast to the chaos and poverty of Somalia and Kenya was profound, challenging her ingrained perceptions of "infidel" countries. The punctuality of public transport, the pristine streets, and the polite, helpful demeanor of strangers were revelations.

Welfare state. The Dutch welfare state, offering free healthcare, housing, and financial support to refugees, was an entirely new concept. This system, based on collective responsibility and the rule of law, stood in stark opposition to the corrupt, oppressive governments she had known. The police, traditionally feared, were here seen as protectors, embodying a justice system that seemed fair and transparent.

Shedding the veil. The freedom from social control was liberating. Experimenting with shedding her headscarf and wearing jeans, Ayaan found that her "uncovered" appearance did not provoke the chaos or sexual frenzy predicted by Islamic teachings. Instead, she experienced anonymity and a sense of safety, realizing that the strictures of her past were cultural, not divinely ordained, and that a different way of life was not only possible but thriving.

6. The Intellectual Journey to Atheism and Individual Morality

"This man-made system of government was so much more stable, peaceful, prosperous, and happy than the supposedly God-devised systems I had been taught to respect."

Education's liberation. University studies in political science in Leiden became a profound intellectual awakening. Ayaan immersed herself in Western history, political philosophy, and psychology, discovering a world of ideas rooted in reason, individual rights, and critical thought. This academic journey systematically dismantled the rigid, dogma-bound worldview of her upbringing, revealing alternative moral frameworks that were secular and human-centered.

Questioning dogma. The Enlightenment thinkers—Spinoza, Locke, Kant, Mill, Voltaire—presented compelling arguments that challenged the very foundation of divine authority and infallibility. Darwin's theories, Freud's psychology, and Durkheim's sociology offered explanations for human behavior and societal structures without recourse to a supernatural God. This intellectual exposure forced Ayaan to confront the inconsistencies in her faith, particularly the subjugation of women and the suppression of free will.

Leap to atheism. The 9/11 attacks served as a final catalyst, forcing Ayaan to reconcile the violent verses of the Quran with her desire for peace and justice. She realized that Islam, as a rigid belief system, led to cruelty and inhibited progress. This led to the definitive rejection of God, Hell, and Heaven, and the embrace of atheism. This personal transformation, though isolating, brought a profound sense of clarity and the conviction that her moral compass lay within herself, not in sacred texts.

7. Confronting Islam's Role in Oppression: The 9/11 Awakening

"War had been declared in the name of Islam, my religion, and now I had to make a choice. Which side was I on?"

9/11 turning point. The September 11th attacks were a seismic event for Ayaan, forcing her to confront the violent aspects of Islam she had long compartmentalized. The jubilation of some Muslim youth in Holland, and the explicit justifications for violence found in the Quran and Hadith, shattered her previous attempts to reconcile her faith with Western values. This moment demanded a clear choice of allegiance.

Challenging narratives. Ayaan realized that the widespread narrative of Islam as a purely peaceful and tolerant religion was a "fairy tale," disconnected from the reality of its totalitarian moral framework and historical calls for jihad against unbelievers. She saw the attacks not as an act of a "lunatic fringe" but as a logical outcome of a rigid belief system that suppressed critical thought and individual freedom, freezing moral outlooks in a 7th-century mindset.

"Submission" film. This conviction led her to collaborate with filmmaker Theo van Gogh on "Submission: Part One," a short film depicting the suffering of Muslim women under Islamic law. The film, which showed Quranic verses tattooed on women's bodies, was a direct challenge to the notion of unquestioning submission to Allah's dictates. Its purpose was to spark a dialogue, liberate Muslim minds, and expose the inherent cruelty of certain interpretations of Islam.

8. Political Activism: Fighting for Muslim Women's Rights in the West

"I wanted someone, somewhere, to take note every time a man in Holland murdered his child simply because she had a boyfriend."

Entering politics. Disillusioned with the Labor Party's "multicultural blindness," Ayaan joined the Liberal Party, seeing it as a platform to actively fight for the rights of Muslim women and the integration of immigrants. Her primary mission was to expose the hidden abuses within Muslim communities in Holland, such as honor killings, domestic violence, and FGM, by advocating for their official registration and public acknowledgment.

Challenging policies. Ayaan argued that Holland's well-intentioned multicultural policies inadvertently perpetuated cruelty by allowing immigrant communities to maintain oppressive traditions. She advocated for abolishing government funding for faith-based schools, particularly Muslim ones, which she believed stifled critical thinking, suppressed creativity, and failed to socialize children into broader Dutch society and its values of pluralism and individual liberty.

Facing threats. Her outspoken critique of Islam and its impact on women's rights, particularly after the "Submission" film, led to widespread condemnation, accusations of being a "traitor," and credible death threats. Despite the personal danger and the need for constant security, Ayaan remained resolute, driven by the conviction that exposing these truths was essential for progress and for the emancipation of millions of Muslim women and men.

9. The Tragic Cost of Unfreedom: Haweya's Story

"My sister was disintegrating right in front of me, and all I could do was watch."

Haweya's decline. While Ayaan found liberation in Holland, her sister Haweya struggled profoundly with the "limitlessness" of the West. Unable to cope with the lack of traditional guidance and the dissonance between her upbringing and her new environment, Haweya experienced severe mental health issues, including psychotic episodes and religious delusions. Her attempts to find solace in a stricter interpretation of Islam, similar to the Muslim Brotherhood, only exacerbated her internal turmoil.

Cycle of despair. Haweya's life became a tragic counterpoint to Ayaan's journey of self-discovery. She faced unwanted pregnancies, abortions, and a return to an abusive home environment in Kenya, where her mother's bitterness and Mahad's violence continued. Despite Ayaan's efforts to help her, Haweya's mental state deteriorated, marked by lethargy, aggression, and a profound sense of being lost and cursed.

Meaningless death. Haweya's death in Nairobi, following a miscarriage and a final psychotic episode, underscored the devastating consequences of a life lived without true freedom or support. Her story served as a stark reminder of the millions of Muslim women trapped in mental and physical cages, unable to escape the cycle of oppression and despair. For Ayaan, Haweya's fate reinforced the urgency of her mission to challenge the very structures that contributed to such suffering.

Last updated: December 4, 2025