How We Grow Through What We Go Through

1. Embrace Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) as a Natural Outcome

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) gets a lot of press, but the reality is that PTG, or post-traumatic growth, is the far more likely outcome of life’s challenges.

Growth is common. While trauma profoundly impacts our bodies, minds, and relationships, the human capacity for growth and change is remarkably strong. Research indicates that a significant majority of individuals who experience trauma—around 60%—will also experience post-traumatic growth (PTG), a far higher percentage than those who develop PTSD (8-12%). This isn't an either/or scenario; PTG and PTSD can, and often do, happen simultaneously, demonstrating our complex ability to hold both pain and progress.

Beyond survival. Our nervous systems are wired for survival, activating "Four Fs" responses—Fight, Flee (hyperarousal), Freeze, or Faint/Flop (hypoarousal)—when we perceive threat. While these are essential for immediate safety, they can become maladaptive, rewiring our brains to constantly perceive danger even when none exists. The journey of healing involves recognizing these automatic responses and learning to shift towards a "window of tolerance," where we can engage with discomfort without being overwhelmed, fostering true growth.

Empowerment through choice. The core message is one of empowerment: we can choose our response to almost any situation. This involves understanding that trauma and recovery are slow, unpredictable, and non-linear, but also that we possess innate tools to become more resilient. By actively engaging with practices that regulate our nervous systems, we can move beyond merely surviving to thriving, cultivating new connections in our brains through neuroplasticity and transforming our relationship with pain.

2. Master Your Body's Resilience with "Attend and Befriend"

Growing research tells us that it’s hard to think our way into a new way of acting and feeling, but we really can act our way into a new way of thinking, feeling, and being.

Body-first healing. Healing from trauma fundamentally begins with the body. If our physical self doesn't feel safe and regulated, achieving mental and emotional growth becomes significantly more challenging. Trauma often leaves our bodies stuck in defensive postures, with dysregulated breathing, chronic muscle tension, and an immune system under constant strain. Reclaiming power over these unconscious bodily responses is the crucial first step towards healing.

The middle path. The "Attend and Befriend" approach offers a powerful alternative to the automatic "Four Fs" survival responses. This practice, often initiated with a simple physical gesture like holding palms up (Attend) and then placing hands over the heart (Befriend), activates the parasympathetic nervous system and the ventral vagal state. This state promotes rest, digestion, connection, and direction, fostering a sense of safety and allowing the body to stabilize its breath, heart rate, and overall chemistry.

Empowerment in action. By consciously choosing to "Attend and Befriend," we override the feeling of powerlessness that characterizes PTSD. This practice helps to:

• Stabilize breath and heart rates.
• Relax muscles and improve circulation.
• Optimize immune and digestive systems.
• Release oxytocin, fostering connection and trust.
• Enhance critical thinking and emotional regulation.
  This internal empowerment allows us to perceive the world as less threatening and engage with life from a place of quiet strength, opening the "window of tolerance" for growth.

3. Regulate Your Nervous System Through Intentional Breathwork

Our breath is one place where we have conscious control over a part of our autonomic nervous system, unlike our heartbeat or digestion.

Breath as a remote. Our breath serves as a direct "remote control" for our internal alarm system, offering a unique point of conscious influence over the autonomic nervous system. When stressed or traumatized, our breathing becomes erratic—short, shallow, or choppy—signaling danger to our sympathetic nervous system. Conversely, by intentionally adjusting our breath, we can send signals of safety, calming the nervous system and shifting our mood.

Optimal breathing patterns. Research consistently points to a breath rate of four to six breaths per minute as optimal for accessing the "window of tolerance," a state of comfort and safety. This typically involves a five-and-a-half-second inhale and a five-and-a-half-second exhale. This rhythm, found in ancient chants and modern therapeutic practices, helps to:

• Reduce stress and anxiety.
• Improve focus and sleep.
• Cultivate heart rate variability (HRV), indicating nervous system balance.
• Soothe depression and boost immune function.

Simple breath techniques. Even without formal meditation, several simple techniques can regulate breath and reset the nervous system:

• Stretch the Breath: Inhale through the nose, gently extend exhale from the mouth (5-second inhale, 5-second exhale).
• Hands on Head: Posture stretches the vagus nerve, deepening and slowing breath.
• A Silent Sigh: A long, stretched-out exhalation to release stress.
• Counting Breaths: Techniques like 7-11 Breath (inhale 7, exhale 11) or 4-7-8 Breath (inhale 4, hold 7, exhale 8) provide structure.
  These practices, even when initially awkward, empower us to manage our trauma responses and cultivate inner calm.

4. Cultivate Confidence and Safety Through Embodied Posture and Movement

Confidently inhabiting our bodies can help us lead our fullest lives out to the edges of our safety zone, which is where we grow.

Posture's profound impact. Our physical posture and movement profoundly influence our mental and emotional states. Just as depression or shame can lead to slumped, inhibited postures, adopting expansive, confident stances can actively shift our body chemistry. This includes releasing testosterone (linked to assertiveness and leadership) and curtailing cortisol (the stress hormone), thereby reducing anxiety and boosting self-confidence.

Power postures in action. Simple "power postures," like standing upright with hands on hips (the "Wonder Woman" stance) or raising arms in victory, can quickly regulate the nervous system and improve mood. This isn't just about external appearance; it's about an internal shift that helps us:

• Regain control over our brain and emotions.
• Perceive new situations as opportunities rather than threats.
• Take calculated risks and assert ourselves in healthy ways.
• Improve our voice tone and word choice, enhancing communication.
  Even visualizing these postures can yield similar benefits, making them accessible regardless of physical limitations.

Movement for healing. Physical movement, from light exercise to contemplative walking, is a powerful tool for brain health and trauma recovery. It helps to:

• Reduce depression and anxiety.
• Improve focus and sleep.
• Build trust in our bodies, especially after injury or assault.
• Release stored stress (e.g., deliberate shaking, dancing).
  "Forest bathing" (Shinrin-yoku), a Japanese practice of sensory walking in nature, further enhances these benefits by exposing us to natural fractal patterns and phytoncides, which lower stress hormones and boost immune function.

5. Rewire Your Mind by Naming Emotions and Grounding in the Present

Naming our physical and emotional experience as it arises activates the prefrontal cortex and quiets the limbic system back down, something that neuroscientists have watched happen in real time in brain imaging experiments.

Taming the alarm. Trauma often leaves the amygdala, the brain's alarm system, overactive, leading to hypervigilance and impulsive reactions. This diverts blood from the prefrontal cortex, impairing critical thinking, emotional regulation, and long-term planning. Mindfulness, self-compassion, and positive psychology can recalibrate this alarm, allowing it to respond to real dangers rather than perceived ones, and expanding our "window of tolerance."

"Name It to Tame It." A fundamental mindfulness technique is to "use your words" to name emotions and sensations as they arise. This simple act activates the prefrontal cortex, quieting the limbic system and restoring rational thought. The "Four Rs of Mindfulness" provides a structured approach:

• Rest: Find an anchor for awareness (breath, sounds, body).
• Recognize: Notice when the mind wanders and name the thought or emotion.
• Return: Gently guide awareness back to the anchor with kindness.
• Repeat: Acknowledge that the mind will wander again, offering continuous opportunities for practice.
  This process builds self-regulation and self-compassion, transforming mind-wandering into insights about our mental habits.

Grounding in the senses. Our senses are always in the present moment, serving as powerful anchors against being pulled into past regrets or future anxieties. Practices like "Fire-Alarm Reset Protocols" (e.g., counting corners, noticing colors) or "Sound Grounding" (e.g., counting distant to near sounds) help to:

• Shift focus from internal distress to external reality.
• Deactivate hypervigilance by consciously engaging sensory perception.
• Re-establish a sense of safety and control.
  The "Mindful SEAT" (Senses, Emotions, Actions, Thoughts) further integrates sensory awareness with emotional and cognitive processing, allowing us to observe our internal landscape without judgment and make conscious choices rather than reacting impulsively.

6. Rebalance Your Brain's Negativity Bias with Gratitude and Strengths

Gratitude is not putting on rose-colored glasses. It’s more like taking off the shit-covered glasses.

Counteracting negativity. Stress, trauma, anxiety, and depression exacerbate our natural "negativity bias"—the evolutionary tendency to focus on threats and perceive the worst. This bias, while once crucial for survival, can become a source of chronic distress in modern life. Gratitude acts as a powerful countermeasure, actively disrupting this pattern and rebalancing our brain's perception towards safety and opportunity.

The power of appreciation. Practicing gratitude, even for small daily moments, can lead to profound changes:

• Lowers anxiety and depression.
• Improves physical health and life satisfaction.
• Minimizes aggression and maximizes kindness.
• Enhances sleep quality and duration.
• Boosts creativity and helps identify growth opportunities.
  The "Taking In the Good" practice, which involves savoring positive memories and their physiological sensations for a minute or two, helps to encode these positive experiences into our brain, counteracting the rapid encoding of negative ones.

Acknowledging inner resources. Cultivating gratitude for our own strengths is particularly vital for trauma survivors, who often struggle with self-blame and a harsh inner critic. This practice, though initially uncomfortable, helps to:

• Shift focus from perceived flaws to inherent capabilities.
• Build self-compassion and a sense of deservingness.
• Counteract "moral injury" by recognizing our actions within the context of survival.
• Inspire meaning and purpose, as seen in individuals who channel their strengths into helping others.
  By consciously identifying and appreciating our strengths, we begin to see ourselves as resilient and capable, fostering a more balanced and compassionate self-perception.

7. Prioritize Basic Needs with HALT for Mental and Physical Stability

Without this basic physical and emotional self-care, our nervous system is likely to betray us.

Foundational self-care. In times of stress and trauma, our basic needs are often neglected, further dysregulating our nervous system and exacerbating emotional distress. The HALT acronym—Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, Tired—provides a simple, effective check-in to address these fundamental requirements for mental and physical stability. Neglecting any of these can compromise our prefrontal cortex, leading to impaired impulse control, emotional regulation, and decision-making.

Addressing each need:

• Hungry: The brain, especially the prefrontal cortex, is a high-energy consumer. Regular, nutritious eating, attuned to the body's physical hunger signals rather than emotional cravings, is crucial. Self-denial is not self-compassion; balanced eating supports brain function and sleep routines.
• Angry/Anxious: These emotions signal activation of the primitive limbic system, shutting down higher brain functions. Slow, mindful breaths or simply "naming to tame" these emotions can quell the limbic response, reactivating the outer cortices for clearer thinking and more measured responses.
• Lonely: Humans are social animals, and loneliness is a significant health risk, elevating cortisol and linked to depression, anxiety, and addiction. Finding the right balance between solitude and healthy social connection, whether with a few trusted friends or a supportive community, is vital for co-regulation and well-being.
• Tired: Lack of sleep severely impairs self-control, mood, judgment, and immune function. Consistent sleep routines, good sleep hygiene (cool, dark room, no screens before bed), and restorative rest during the day are non-negotiable for recovery and resilience.

Empowerment through awareness. Regularly checking in with HALT empowers us to proactively respond to our body's and mind's needs in real-time. This simple practice helps prevent minor discomforts from escalating into overwhelming emotional states, allowing us to maintain balance and make conscious choices that support our healing journey.

8. Heal Through Connection and Compassionate Relationships

Connecting is actually a baby’s first form of stress regulation according to many researchers, including Stephen Porges, a proponent of polyvagal theory.

Isolation's toll. Trauma, especially that associated with shame, illness, or abuse, inherently isolates us, creating a vicious cycle where isolation further traumatizes. It inhibits our ability to trust, empathize, and connect, often making safe people feel threatening and leading to withdrawal or aggressive overcompensation. This isolation elevates cortisol, a stress hormone linked to poor health, shorter lifespans, anxiety, depression, and addiction.

The power of co-regulation. Our earliest and most effective medicine for self-regulation is other people. Healthy co-regulation, a shared sense of safety and well-being, helps to:

• Signal safety and reduce cortisol.
• Release oxytocin, fostering attachment, empathy, and trust.
• Create "safe rhythms of regulation" with others.
• Counteract the "neuroception" of danger, allowing us to perceive safety.
  This can happen in various settings, from intimate relationships to community gatherings, and even with pets, whose presence can cue our calm.

Building supportive networks. Rebuilding trust and connection after trauma requires courage and intentional effort. It involves:

• Finding "your people": Identifying a few trusted individuals or support groups where you feel heard, validated, and not judged.
• Balancing social needs: Recognizing your optimal level of social interaction, whether introverted or extroverted, and actively seeking it out.
• Resilience as resistance: For those facing systemic injustices, speaking truth and forming alliances (e.g., #MeToo, Black Lives Matter) transforms individual suffering into collective action and healing.
• Letting go: Recognizing when relationships no longer serve your growth and gracefully allowing them to fade, making space for healthier connections.
  Healing is not a solitary journey; it is deeply intertwined with our ability to connect, be witnessed, and be supported by others, allowing us to be loved until we can love ourselves.

9. Set Healthy Boundaries and Communicate with Compassion (THINK)

Self-care and self-compassion are not just bubble baths and bonbons; they’re also setting good boundaries.

Reclaiming personal space. Trauma often involves the violation of physical, emotional, and relational boundaries, leaving us struggling to discern when our limits are being pushed. Setting healthy boundaries is an act of empowerment, allowing us to choose how much influence others have over our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This is not about power over others, but power from others, reclaiming our rightful space in the world.

Types of boundaries. Boundaries can be both negative and positive:

• Negative boundaries: Clearly stating what we won't or can't do. This can be challenging if conditioned to avoid saying no, but practicing with small steps and assertive posture helps.
• Positive boundaries: Communicating what we are willing to do and when. For example, "I can discuss this tomorrow after the kids are asleep" is more effective than stonewalling.
  Mindfully tuning into our body's sensations (e.g., a tightening gut when boundaries are pushed) can help us recognize and assert our limits more effectively, making "no" feel safe and empowering.

Compassionate communication (THINK). When trauma muddles our communication, the "THINK Before You Speak" framework offers a mindful guide for clear, confident, and compassionate interactions:

• T: Is it True? Speak honestly, avoiding lies and cognitive dissonance.
• H: Is it Helpful? Consider if your words benefit anyone, including yourself, avoiding gossip or unhelpful complaints.
• I: Am I the one to say it? Discern if it's your place to speak, or if you're being baited into conflict. What are your intentions and potential impact?
• N: Is it Necessary Now? Consider the timing; sometimes silence is the most mindful and intimate response, allowing for deeper insights.
• K: Is it Kind? Deliver your message with patience and kindness, as harshness triggers fight-or-flight, hindering effective, long-term change.
  Applying THINK to both external conversations and our inner critical voice fosters authenticity and strengthens our capacity for self-compassion.

10. Become a "Good Ancestor" by Spreading Compassion and Kindness

When you do something as simple and seemingly small as waving another driver to go ahead of you, you’re happier and more optimistic.

The ripple effect of kindness. Our actions, both positive and negative, create an exponential ripple effect that extends far beyond our immediate interactions. When we choose compassion and generosity, it not only benefits others but also profoundly impacts our own well-being, rewiring our brains for greater resilience and optimism. This "compassion contagion" spreads from person to person, influencing others up to three degrees of separation.

Epigenetics and legacy. The relatively new field of epigenetics reveals that our experiences and how we respond to stress can literally reshape our DNA expression, impacting future generations. Our ancestors' traumas may have altered their genes, influencing our own responses to stress. By cultivating resilience, self-compassion, and generosity, we can actively "write over" negative genetic expressions with positive ones, passing on a legacy of well-being to our children and grandchildren.

Simple acts, profound impact. Becoming a "good ancestor" doesn't require grand gestures; it starts with small, consistent acts of kindness:

• "Get the Urge to Merge": Letting another driver into traffic, a simple act that boosts your mood and creates a positive ripple.
• Volunteering: Helping others, even in small ways, combats helplessness, boosts mood, and fosters a sense of meaning and purpose.
• Practicing generosity: Studies show that spending money on others makes us happier than spending it on ourselves, activating positive emotion circuits in the brain.
• Spreading good vibes: Your mindfulness and compassion can positively influence the mood and well-being of your roommates, partners, friends, and family.
  By consciously choosing to act with kindness, we not only transform our own lives but also contribute to a collective shift towards greater compassion, literally shaping the course of human evolution.

Last updated: December 23, 2025