Hidden In Plain Sight

1. Unearthing Your Hidden Story

We are all on a quest for identity, intimacy, and calling.

Your life's narrative. Every individual's life is a rich tapestry woven from countless experiences and significant events. These are your stories, some openly shared, others kept private due to fear or shame, and many lost to conscious memory. The author's journey began by discovering her parents' hidden diaries, which offered a new understanding of their lives and the era they lived in, inspiring her to share her own.

The power of remembrance. Giving voice to these stories allows them to "breathe" and speak about your life, dreams, losses, and joys. This process of remembering and pondering can reveal new insights and connections, beckoning you to open your heart to the "Author of all our stories." It's a beautiful gift for family and friends, creating a lasting legacy for future generations.

A quest for self. The author, having felt invisible to her mother, embarked on a lifelong quest to define herself in her own eyes. This journey of self-discovery, fueled by a desire to connect with others and uncover hidden gifts, highlights the universal human longing for identity, intimacy, and calling.

2. Embracing Your Unique Identity

I cannot dance with my husband to the sweet song of the Trinity unless I rise up and join him on the floor.

Stepping into your place. For decades, the author felt like an "invisible spouse," perfecting the art of black-op invisibility learned in childhood. This quietness, initially a deficiency, became a source of envy and criticism towards her gregarious husband. Her quest for identity in the "third phase" of her marriage led her to the theological concept of perichoresis, the Trinitarian dance of mutual indwelling without loss of identity.

The dance of distinctness. Realizing she needed to bring her full, distinct self to her marriage, not merely mirror her husband, was a breakthrough. Her quietness, once a perceived flaw, was re-framed as a strength, enabling her to listen, see, and care for others with mercy and defiance against injustice. This shift allowed her to join the "wild dance of God's kingdom."

Wholeness in Christ. Through counseling and self-reflection, she forgave her parents and embraced the unique design God had for her. This healing transformed her quietness from a deficiency into a valuable asset for service, allowing her to fight for causes larger than herself and dance joyfully with God and others, free from shame.

3. Navigating Family Legacies and Trauma

I have found that the kinder I learn to be to the young Becky now, the more I can grieve for the mother who had no idea how to let her be a little girl.

The weight of the past. The author's mother, shaped by an undiagnosed mental illness in her own mother and the traumas of the Great Depression and WWII, became a perfectionistic homemaker. This created a home where strict obedience was required, emotions were squashed, and the author learned to be invisible to avoid her mother's rage. This legacy of trauma deeply impacted her own childhood.

Breaking cycles of harm. Witnessing her daughter's compassionate parenting of her granddaughter, who was allowed to express frustration, highlighted the stark contrast with her own upbringing. This observation sparked grief for her "equally beautiful three-year-old Becky" who would have thrived with such care. It underscored the importance of acknowledging and processing past hurts.

Forgiveness and empathy. Learning to be kinder to her younger self enabled her to grieve for her mother's trauma-filled life and wish her mother had known more love and security. This process, though painful, allowed her daughters and daughter-in-law to "remother" her heart through their care for their children, demonstrating that understanding and forgiveness can transform generational pain.

4. Transforming Envy and Disillusionment

But while illusions need to die, dreams can be resurrected from the ashes of disillusionment.

Shattered illusions. The author recounts a cherished childhood memory of a "magical" family vacation in Hawaii, only to have it shattered decades later by her sister's revelation of constant parental fighting. This experience highlighted how children often construct illusions to maintain a picture of a happy past, and how the loss of these illusions can harden the heart.

The green monster. Envy, a "killer of love and trust," plagued the author during her struggles with infertility and miscarriages. She felt deficient and sensitive around women with more children, hiding her sorrow and the "chokehold" of her longing. Her miscarriages, often mishandled or unacknowledged as legitimate grief, intensified her pain and envy.

Grieving unfulfilled desires. The author learned that envy isn't merely resolved by gratitude, but by fully experiencing the anguish of desperately longed-for but unfulfilled desires. This process of blessing her desire for children, even amidst infertility, allowed her to transform envy from a "monster" into a "truth teller" that reveals the deep longings of her heart, leading to solace and comfort for others.

5. Finding Strength in Vulnerability and Service

I found myself being a warrior as I interacted with exploited women and fought for their liberation.

A daughter's challenge. The author's daughter, Amanda, returned from Camp Siberia furious about the fate of Russian orphans destined for sex trafficking. Her direct challenge, "Mom, what are you going to do about this?", seared deep into the author's heart, propelling her into a warrior journey far more demanding than any yoga pose.

Confronting injustice. Learning about the global sex-trafficking industry, its profitability, and the vulnerability of women and girls stunned the author. She discovered that victims are often treated as criminals, and the notion of "choice" in prostitution is a dangerous illusion. This knowledge ignited a passion to stand in the gap for the exploited, leading her to volunteer with Late Night Outreach.

Warrior's pose in action. Her commitment to Friday night street outreach, interacting with prostituted women, revealed a fierce warrior within. Despite the raw, dark, and heartbreaking realities, she learned that her presence, kindness, and prayers could make a difference. This experience taught her to embrace her anger against evil and stand strong for liberation, even when feeling insignificant.

6. Cultivating Grace in Crisis and Uncertainty

Learn to pause and breathe.

Pausing in panic. When her son, Andrew, called after a severe bike accident, the author's initial reaction was panic. However, a conscious decision to "slow down," have tea, and pray before rushing to the ER marked a new, unusual kindness to herself. This practice, inspired by her yoga teacher's advice to "pause and breathe" in difficult poses, became a vital tool for navigating crises.

Beyond fight, flight, or freeze. The author, who once prided herself on handling stress alone, recognized her anxious survival mechanisms. Andrew's accident, with its bloody injuries and hospital resistance, demanded a different approach. By allowing her daughter to be the first responder and taking time to prepare her own heart, she could arrive at the scene bearing wisdom and grace, rather than just panic.

Blessing autonomy. Despite her initial fear and desire to control the outcome (like insisting on a plastic surgeon for Andrew's scars), she learned to allow her adult children to walk through danger in their own ways. Her role shifted from instruction to offering blessings, taking her disapprovals to Jesus in prayer, and trusting God to calm her anxious heart and body.

7. The Enduring Power of Love and Forgiveness

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

A sacred family meal. A spontaneous gathering of her adult children, without spouses or grandchildren, became a "sacred" and bittersweet occasion. When her husband asked about their upbringing, a flood of stories about fear, pressure, and necessary lying emerged, revealing their parents' rigidity and the children's hidden rebellion.

The path to reconciliation. The author's initial defensiveness and fury gave way to tears and a heartfelt apology, particularly to her firstborn. Her husband, Dan, modeled humility by simply agreeing and asking for forgiveness, defusing the tension. This raw honesty led to a powerful moment of "inexorable mingling of both failure and forgiveness," where the children affirmed their parents' love despite their shortcomings.

Love's eternal reach. Reflecting on her parents' deaths, the author realized that "the shelf life of love doesn't expire, but in fact extends." This profound truth, inscribed on her kitchen wall, became their family's only hope through failure and regret. Their children's forgiveness, honor, and love, despite imperfections, underscored the liberating power of Jesus's love to cover sins and defuse shame.

8. Embracing the Foolishness of God's Calling

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

Questioning the impact. On a cold, rainy Friday night, heading to the streets to hand out condoms and kindness, the author questioned the effectiveness of her outreach. She felt "stupid and foolish," despairing over the slow pace of change and the heavy stories of women like Tara, who repeatedly returned to the streets despite rehab.

Gospel-oriented foolishness. Her husband's words provided solace: "Whenever we do something gospel-oriented, we feel foolish." He shared his own doubts about the impact of his thirty years speaking against sexual abuse. This honest admission helped the author recognize that feeling weak or pointless was an inevitable part of the battle, not a sign of betrayal.

Hope in the resurrection. The author found strength in Paul's description of God's "divine foolishness," where God chooses the seemingly weak and ridiculous to save those who believe. Her act of serving hot chocolate and kindness to prostituted women, though seemingly insignificant, was a defiant act of hope. All hope, for her, is tied to the resurrection—the radical disruption of death and the promise of restoration, making her "foolish" actions a testament to God's ultimate wisdom.

9. Honoring the Past to Live Fully in the Present

We want someone to witness our lives. We want our children, in particular, to help us manage the harvest of memories.

Echoes of the past. Fall, a season of melancholy for the author, triggers memories and a desire to connect with her past. Decorating with handmade Halloween crafts and buckeyes from her great-uncle's home prompts reflection on her parents' 50th anniversary trip, where her father unexpectedly took her to ancestral sites. This experience revealed a deep human need for our lives to be witnessed and our memories shared.

Revisiting high school. Attending her 45th high school reunion, a place of "war zone" memories for her and her husband, became a powerful act of honoring the past. For the author, it was a reminder that "life wins," and for Dan, it was a chance to confront his angry, intimidating past. A former classmate's testimony of Dan's transformation through Christ validated the journey of change.

Paying it forward. The author's grandparents, despite limited time together, left "deep imprints of love" that serve as a lifelong refuge. She now strives to create a similar "bank account" of love for her own grandchildren, through simple joys, shared activities, and custom-designed gifts. This act of "paying it forward" ensures that love, joy, and hope will continue to bless future generations, providing ballast in uncertain times.

10. Treasuring the Journey of Aging and Imperfection

I treasure you, my aging and failing body. We're in this together. You are a gift to me.

Confronting aging. A sudden realization that her hand resembled her ninety-one-year-old mother-in-law's, coupled with the perceived flaws of her aging body, initially brought dread and a sense of "demise." Despite maintaining her routine, her body had "softened and shifted," challenging her youthful self-image and the expectation to remain unchanged.

A code of honor for self. Inspired by the Albanian besa—a code of honor meaning "to keep the promise" and offer safety to guests—the author began to practice self-compassion. She consciously chose to offer "hospitality, kindness, and safety" to her aging body, verbally affirming and treasuring its changes, rather than punishing it for its flaws.

God's joyous delight. This shift in perspective allowed her to exchange her "critical inward glare for Jesus’s joyous delight." She realized that what she perceived as undesirable, like her "skinny legs" in high school, was precisely what her husband loved. This ongoing practice of listening to her body, being kind to it, and trusting God's strength allows her to embrace aging with grace and a nuanced anticipation of what is yet to come.