Hangover in the Halls

Dan Woodridge, a thirty-something contractor from Cincinnati, awakens with a brutal hangover in a bizarre, endless maze of yellowed wallpaper and flickering lights. He's greeted by a floating, 8-bit game notification: his odds of survival are "vanishingly slim." Disoriented, Dan recalls only fragments of a wild bachelor party before realizing he's trapped in a place that feels like a corporate purgatory. The environment is eerily empty, yet the sounds of monstrous violence echo nearby. Dan's only tools are his work belt, a hammer, and a hideous Versace bathrobe. As he stumbles forward, he's thrust into a world that operates on game logic, where every choice could mean life or death, and the only certainty is that nothing makes sense.

Game Logic Unleashed

As Dan explores, he encounters a gunslinger—Marcus—locked in a deadly duel with the Flayed Monarch, a skinless, centipede-limbed horror. The Monarch's eldritch power is matched by Marcus's arsenal of bizarre, magical artifacts: a foam anime sword, a gauntlet studded with dice, and a Pog Slammer that creates a protective dome. Dan is swept into the chaos, given the Slammer for protection, and forced to accept the absurd rules of this world. The battle is a spectacle of spells, summoned minions, and reality-warping attacks. Dan's only hope is to survive by embracing the game-like logic, using the Slammer's shield, and making a desperate, self-sacrificing choice to save Marcus—an act that marks him for both danger and destiny.

Demigods and Deathblows

The fight between Marcus and the Monarch escalates, with Dan's actions tipping the balance. He uses the Slammer to shield Marcus, who barely survives a mortal wound. In gratitude, Marcus gifts Dan a healing Zima elixir and a mysterious compass before vanishing with the Monarch in a flash of light. Dan, battered and broken, drinks the Zima and is miraculously healed. The encounter leaves him with powerful enemies and a host of new questions. He's now marked by the Monarch, making him a target for the Skinless Court, but he's also earned the attention of the mysterious Researcher, who rewards him with achievements, loot tokens, and a Localized Administrator—a digital guide for his journey.

Achievements and Anomalies

As Dan recovers, he's bombarded with sarcastic achievement pop-ups, each chronicling his improbable survival and reckless heroism. He learns about loot tokens, titles, and the VIRUS upgrade system—a game-like interface that tracks his stats, inventory, and progress. The environment itself is alive, healing its wounds and dissolving any attempt to mark his path. Dan scavenges the aftermath of the battle, discovering that his hammer is now a magical artifact, and that every item he brought with him has "personal significance," making them uniquely powerful. He also finds the Compass of the Catacomber, a mythic emblem that promises navigation and safety—if he can unlock its secrets.

Labyrinth of Living Walls

The Backrooms are a shifting, self-healing labyrinth designed to disorient and consume intruders. Dan's attempts to mark his path are thwarted by corrosive wallpaper and predatory "Lobby Greeters"—shadowy, potbellied creatures that hunt the unwary. He improvises by using wallpaper as parchment and carving deep wounds into the walls, but the building retaliates with tremors and monster attacks. Dan's survival depends on constant movement, resourcefulness, and a growing understanding that the Backrooms are a living, sentient entity. After hours of wandering, he discovers a vent-lined corridor leading to a suspiciously perfect bathroom—his first real chance at escape, but also a potential trap.

Janitor's Last Stand

The bathroom is guarded by the Janitorial Handyman, a six-armed, toilet-headed abomination. The fight is brutal and intimate, with Dan using every tool at his disposal—hammer, screwdriver, speed square—to survive. The Janitor's attacks are relentless, spawning acid-filled toilet snakes and launching caustic spitballs. Dan's Marine training and contractor's ingenuity are pushed to the limit as he improvises weapons and tactics. The battle is a desperate struggle, ending with Dan driving his speed square through the Janitor's throat. Victorious but battered, Dan loots the corpse, gaining healing elixirs, a magical cleaning spray (his first Relic), and the key to the stairwell—a hard-won passage to the next level.

Blood, Sweat, and Toilet Paper

In the aftermath, Dan receives a flood of achievements and loot tokens, each mocking and rewarding his "barbarian" approach. He discovers the Roll of Endless Wipe—a cursed, infinite toilet paper roll—and the Bleach Bolt Relic, which grants him corrosive magic. The fight has also taught him the value of every mundane item; even his jorts and bathrobe are now artifacts with upgrade potential. Dan learns about Relic Shards, the currency for crafting new powers, and the importance of mana management. He cleans up, heals, and prepares to descend, realizing that every victory in the Backrooms is paid for in blood, sweat, and a little bit of toilet paper.

Croc Dog's Warning

Emerging into a retro shopping mall, Dan encounters Croc—a mimic pretending to be a "Normal Human Dog" made of blue Croc material. Croc warns him about mimics, traps, and the dangers of trusting appearances. The two form a tentative alliance, with Croc offering guidance in exchange for friendship and a name. Croc reveals the nature of Dwellers, the God Box, and the Blight—a corrupting force that drives monsters mad. Dan's skepticism is tested as Croc proves both helpful and endearingly clueless, providing crucial information about the Backrooms' factions, the importance of Relics, and the rules of survival. Together, they outwit a mimic disguised as a Progenitor Monolith, cementing their partnership.

Relics, Mimics, and Allies

With Croc's help, Dan navigates the mall's dangers, avoiding Sales Sirens and looting Relics from defeated mimics. He learns about Relic ranks, forging, and the value of personal artifacts. Croc explains the structure of the Backrooms—floors, quadrants, sectors—and the ever-present threat of Floor Shifts, which can rearrange the world in an instant. Dan's hammer and compass become central to his strategy, and he begins to understand the potential of Emblems—mythic sets of Relics that break the normal rules. The duo's growing trust is tested by the constant threat of betrayal, but their shared goal of survival keeps them moving forward.

The Store That Shouldn't Be

Guided by Croc, Dan uses the Job Board to locate MediocreMart—a blight-infected, Walgreens-like store. After a harrowing battle with blighted Pharmacy Techs and the Harmacist (a plague doctor Store Manager), Dan purges the Blight and claims the store using Corvo's Blanket Fort, an Emblem ability that creates a personal safe haven. He names it Discount Dan's Backroom Bargains and sets about transforming it into a neutral trading hub. The store's magical bindings provide healing, security, and the ability to generate minions. Dan's vision is to create a place where Delvers can trade, rest, and find hope—a beacon in the darkness of the Backrooms.

Shopkeeper's Gambit

As Discount Dan's opens, Dan faces new challenges: managing inventory, setting prices, and defending against the Skinless Court and the Black Harbor Syndicate, who control the elixir trade. He recruits Croc, Baby Hands, and Princess Ponypuff (his unsettling golem minions) to help run the store. Dan's marketing campaign—spray-painted survival tips and twinned yarn rings—spreads hope and draws new Delvers, but also paints a target on his back. The store's success attracts both allies and enemies, forcing Dan to balance generosity with pragmatism. Every customer is a potential friend or foe, and every transaction could be the difference between life and death.

Leveling Up the Hard Way

To prepare for greater threats, Dan and Croc grind through the first three floors, battling Dwellers, avoiding traps, and collecting Relics. Dan learns the hard limits of experience gain, the importance of stat allocation, and the brutal reality of evolving titles—Fish in a Barrel becomes Barracuda in a Barrel, cutting off easy XP. He crafts and forges new Relics, including the devastating Drain-O Bolt and the versatile Neural Slip Stream. The store becomes a hub for new Delvers, each with their own stories of loss and survival. Dan's leadership is tested as he juggles logistics, alliances, and the ever-present threat of the Skinless Court.

The Red Hands' Threat

On the seventh floor, Dan and Croc encounter the Red Hands, a gang of Aspirants hunting him and his customers. A brutal confrontation erupts in a locker room, with Dan, Croc, and a furry Delver named Temperance fighting for their lives. The battle is a chaotic melee of magic, violence, and moral ambiguity. Dan is forced to kill a human for the first time, earning the Cold-Blooded Murderer title and a heavy burden of guilt. The fight cements his reputation as a force to be reckoned with, but also marks him for further retribution. The cost of survival is rising, and Dan must decide what kind of leader—and person—he wants to be.

Friends, Furries, and Foes

In the aftermath, Dan's circle of allies grows to include Temperance, Jakob the Cendral (a lizard-like Transmog), and a motley crew of Delvers. Each brings unique skills, traumas, and agendas. The group's dynamic is tense but effective, blending Jakob's pacifism, Temperance's bloodlust, and Dan's reluctant heroism. Together, they plan to win the favor of Howlers Hold, a powerful Safe Harbor, by purging a blighted Loot Arcade. The journey is a test of trust, strategy, and the willingness to do what's necessary—even if it means embracing the darkness within.

Carnival of Carnage

The Loot Arcade is a city-sized carnival of death, filled with deadly games, blighted Dwellers, and the promise of powerful prizes. Dan, Croc, Temperance, and Jakob grind through wave after wave of lethal challenges—shooting galleries, whack-a-mole, and more—earning tickets, experience, and loot. The games are both exhilarating and traumatizing, pushing the team to their limits. Dan's new Relics and abilities are put to the test, and the group's synergy is forged in the crucible of constant danger. The prize booth offers rare rewards, but the real challenge lies ahead: Funtime Frank and his animatronic band.

Monkey Business Finale

The final battle is a spectacle of chaos, strategy, and sacrifice. Funtime Frank, a blighted, Donkey Kong-inspired gorilla, is invulnerable while his bandmates live. The team splits up, each taking on a band member in a desperate race against time. Dan's ingenuity—using telekinesis, environmental hazards, and his arsenal of Relics—turns the tide. The fight escalates as Frank absorbs his minions, growing into a monstrous kaiju. In a last-ditch gambit, Dan launches a summoned Ford Pinto into Frank's mouth, detonating the beast from within. The victory is hard-won, leaving the team battered but triumphant, and earning Dan the "Monkey Fucker" title—soon forged into the more dignified "Punch-Out!! Champion."

Building a Safe Haven

With the Blight purged and the Arcade conquered, Dan's store flourishes. He expands his territory, hires new staff, and cements alliances with Howlers Hold. The store's magical bindings provide healing, security, and the ability to generate minions and resources. Dan's vision of a neutral, faction-free trading hub becomes reality, offering hope to Delvers from all walks of life. The store's success draws both admiration and envy, making Dan a symbol of resistance—and a target for every power in the Backrooms. The cost of leadership is high, but Dan embraces it, determined to build something worth fighting for.

The Price of Survival

In the aftermath, Dan gathers with his friends—Croc, Temperance, Jakob, and a growing community of Delvers—for beer and pizza. The store is a haven in a world of nightmares, but the threats are ever-present: the Skinless Court, the Syndicate, and the Blight. Dan's journey has transformed him from a hungover contractor into a reluctant hero, a shopkeeper, and a leader. The emotional toll is heavy—guilt, trauma, and the burden of responsibility—but so are the rewards: friendship, purpose, and the hope of a better future. As Dan raises a toast to survival, he knows the adventure is far from over, but for now, he's earned a moment of peace.

Characters

Dan Woodridge

Dan is a thirty-something contractor from Cincinnati, thrust into the Backrooms after a drunken night. His initial confusion and self-deprecating humor mask a deep well of resilience, resourcefulness, and decency. Dan's Marine background and blue-collar pragmatism shape his approach: he improvises, adapts, and overcomes, using mundane tools as weapons and artifacts. Psychologically, Dan is driven by a need to protect others, even at personal risk, and struggles with guilt, trauma, and the fear of becoming as monstrous as his enemies. Over time, he evolves from a hapless victim to a cunning leader, shopkeeper, and symbol of hope—though he never loses his skepticism or his irreverent wit.

Croc

Croc is a juvenile mimic who desperately wants to help humans, despite being shunned by his own kind. He takes the form of a blue Croc dog, blending childlike innocence with a deep knowledge of the Backrooms' dangers. Croc's need for friendship is both his strength and vulnerability; he's haunted by the loss of his first human friend, Gertrude, and is fiercely protective of Dan. Psychologically, Croc embodies the struggle for acceptance and the pain of being "defective" in a world that values only strength. His loyalty, humor, and unique perspective make him an indispensable ally and a symbol of hope for unlikely connections.

The Flayed Monarch

The Flayed Monarch is a skinless, centipede-limbed demigod who rules the 999th floor and commands the Skinless Court. He is both a literal and symbolic representation of the Backrooms' corruption—powerful, sadistic, and obsessed with control. The Monarch's mark on Dan makes him a perpetual target, driving much of the story's tension. Psychologically, the Monarch is a study in predatory dominance, using fear, manipulation, and overwhelming force to maintain his rule. His pursuit of Dan is both personal and existential, making him the ultimate antagonist and a constant reminder of the stakes.

Marcus (The Boundless Wanderer)

Marcus is a weathered, post-apocalyptic warrior locked in eternal conflict with the Flayed Monarch. His arsenal of magical artifacts and his willingness to help Dan mark him as a folk hero among Delvers. Marcus is driven by loss—his daughter was killed by the Monarch—and a relentless quest for freedom and justice. Psychologically, he embodies the cost of heroism: exhaustion, trauma, and the burden of being a symbol. His brief alliance with Dan sets the stage for the story's larger conflicts and themes of sacrifice.

Temperance

Temperance is a centuries-old Delver, once a colonial witch, now a bunny-suited, baseball-bat-wielding force of nature. Her trauma and isolation have made her both fiercely independent and dangerously unstable. She revels in violence, but her loyalty to the Howlers and her grudging respect for Dan reveal a capacity for connection. Psychologically, Temperance is a study in survival at any cost, embracing the darkness within to fight greater evils. Her presence challenges Dan's morality and forces him to confront the blurred lines between heroism and monstrosity.

Jakob (The Scales)

Jakob is a former human who has spliced his DNA with that of the Cendrals, gaining strength, resilience, and a lizard-like appearance. He is a pacifist by principle, refusing to kill Delvers, but is a formidable fighter when necessary. Jakob's outsider status—neither fully human nor fully Cendral—mirrors Dan's own journey of adaptation and alienation. Psychologically, Jakob is driven by a desire for redemption, community, and understanding. His calm, analytical approach balances Temperance's chaos and Dan's impulsiveness, making him a stabilizing force in the group.

Princess Ponypuff

Princess Ponypuff is a Cannon Fodder minion created from discarded toys and Relics, with a pony head and a disturbingly cheerful demeanor. She is both comic relief and a source of unease, embodying the Backrooms' tendency to twist the familiar into the grotesque. Ponypuff's loyalty is unquestioned, but her behavior is unpredictable, and her presence forces Dan and Croc to confront the limits of trust and the dangers of unchecked power.

Baby Hands

Baby Hands is another Cannon Fodder golem, assembled from trash and Relics, notable for his work ethic and lack of intelligence. He serves as comic relief and a symbol of Dan's growing ability to create and command. Baby Hands' simplicity and loyalty make him a comforting presence in a world of shifting alliances and hidden threats.

The Researcher

The Researcher is the architect of the Backrooms' game logic, dispensing achievements, loot, and sarcastic commentary. He is both a source of information and a symbol of the system's indifference—helpful, but never truly invested in Dan's survival. Psychologically, the Researcher represents the tension between agency and fate, offering rewards for risk but never guaranteeing safety. His motives are opaque, and his interventions are as likely to hinder as to help.

The Black Harbor Syndicate

The Syndicate controls the elixir trade and enforces brutal monopolies, punishing anyone who threatens their profits. They are a faceless, ever-present danger, representing the dark side of community and commerce. Psychologically, the Syndicate embodies the Backrooms' law of the jungle: power, exploitation, and the constant threat of violence. Their conflict with Dan raises questions about the price of survival and the ethics of leadership.

Plot Devices

Game Logic and Achievements

The Backrooms operate on explicit game logic: stats, loot, achievements, and titles. This device externalizes Dan's growth, making psychological and moral development visible through pop-ups and upgrades. The sarcastic, meta-commentary of the Researcher both satirizes and deepens the stakes, forcing Dan to confront the absurdity and brutality of his new reality. The system rewards risk, punishes complacency, and constantly raises the bar, mirroring the psychological toll of trauma and adaptation.

Relics, Artifacts, and Emblems

Every item Dan brings from the real world becomes an artifact, gaining power through use and memory. Relics are modular, forgeable, and combinable, allowing for endless customization and strategy. Emblems—mythic sets of Relics—break the normal rules, granting class-like abilities and the power to reshape reality. This device externalizes the theme of identity: survival depends on embracing and transforming one's past, traumas, and skills. The forging and leveling of Relics mirror Dan's psychological integration and growth.

The Living Labyrinth

The Backrooms are a sentient, self-healing maze that resists mapping, marking, and escape. Traps, mimics, and environmental hazards force constant adaptation and vigilance. Floor Shifts and the corrosive, healing walls symbolize the instability of trauma and the impossibility of returning to a "normal" life. The labyrinth's hostility is both literal and psychological, externalizing Dan's internal struggles and the ever-present threat of regression.

Factions and Social Dynamics

The Skinless Court, the Syndicate, the Howlers, and other factions represent competing visions of survival: domination, exploitation, mutual aid, and resistance. Dan's store becomes a microcosm of these dynamics, forcing him to balance generosity with pragmatism, trust with suspicion. The constant threat of betrayal and the need for allies drive the story's emotional arc, mirroring the psychological challenges of leadership and belonging.

Meta-Narrative and Satire

The story's pop-up achievements, sarcastic commentary, and absurd plot twists create a meta-narrative that both mocks and deepens the genre's conventions. Dan's irreverent humor and the Researcher's snarky asides provide relief from the horror, but also highlight the psychological necessity of laughter in the face of despair. The blending of game logic, horror, and comedy creates a unique tone that keeps the reader engaged and off-balance.

Analysis

Discount Dan is a darkly comic, psychologically rich exploration of survival, adaptation, and the search for meaning in a world gone mad. By blending LitRPG mechanics with horror, satire, and found-family dynamics, the novel reimagines the "isekai" and "dungeon crawl" genres as a meditation on trauma, leadership, and the ethics of community. Dan's journey from hungover everyman to reluctant hero/shopkeeper is both a literal and metaphorical leveling-up: every victory is paid for in blood, guilt, and the loss of innocence, but also rewarded with new connections, hope, and purpose. The Backrooms' game logic externalizes the psychological toll of trauma, making visible the costs and rewards of adaptation. The story's humor and meta-commentary provide both relief and critique, inviting readers to question the rules of survival—both in fiction and in life. Ultimately, Discount Dan is a story about building something worth fighting for in a world designed to break you, and the power of unlikely friendships to turn even the most hostile environment into a home.

Last updated: October 31, 2025