Big Feelings

1. Embrace Big Feelings as Guides, Not Obstacles

Part of being “okay” is learning to live with them rather than trying to get rid of them.

Acknowledge emotions. Big feelings like uncertainty, comparison, anger, burnout, perfectionism, despair, and regret are not inherently "negative" or "bad"; they are universal human experiences that offer valuable information. Suppressing these emotions, as many are taught to do from a young age, often leads to them festering and becoming more destructive. Instead, acknowledging and accepting what you feel is the first step toward well-being and understanding.

Emotional granularity. Getting specific about what you're feeling, a concept psychologists call emotional granularity, significantly improves your well-being, physical health, and life satisfaction. Rather than broadly labeling an emotion as "bad," pinpointing its nuances allows you to grab the right tool from your emotional toolbox. This book aims to provide a range of advice, recognizing that there's no one-size-fits-all solution to navigating complex emotional landscapes.

Purposeful discomfort. While uncomfortable, these emotions serve a purpose. Anger can fuel advocacy, regret can provide insight for a more meaningful life, and even despair can deepen self-awareness and empathy. The goal isn't to eliminate these feelings, but to understand them, learn from them, and integrate them into a richer, more authentic experience of life, recognizing that silence only makes them worse.

2. Uncertainty: Find Footholds of Control in the Unknown

This not-knowing is part of the adventure.

Uncertainty's grip. Uncertainty, at its core, is anxiety stemming from a lack of control, unpredictability, and the perception that things are worsening. This feeling is exacerbated by modern life, where constant change and external forces often feel overwhelming. The human brain is hardwired to dislike ambiguity, often preferring a known bad outcome to an unknown one, leading to spirals of worry.

Small acts of control. When faced with a wall of uncertainty, the path forward involves building "footholds of control" through processes that decrease expected risk and boost self-efficacy. This means actively engaging with your anxiety rather than running from it, a practice called "sitting with uncertainty." This might involve:

• Journaling to explore the root causes of anxiety
• Engaging in guided meditation to build the muscle of simply existing
• Consciously pausing before reacting to overwhelming feelings

Strategic reframing. Translate vague anxieties into specific fears by asking "What am I afraid of?" and "What do I imagine could happen?" Then, separate these fears into "withins" (what you can control) and "beyonds" (what you cannot). For "withins," create flexible plans; for "beyonds," practice letting go through techniques like "noting" or scheduling worry time. Cultivating a "growth mind-set" by telling yourself "I am a person who is learning to _____" transforms threats into opportunities for growth.

3. Comparison: Decode Envy to Uncover Your Values

Comparison is central to figuring out who we are.

Inevitable comparisons. Comparing ourselves to others is a natural, even evolutionary, human tendency, not something that disappears by avoiding social media. Over 75% of people report assessing their self-worth through comparison, and more than 10% of daily thoughts involve it. While often painful, comparison can also be a powerful source of motivation and self-discovery, helping us understand our place in the world and what we truly desire.

Beyond the highlight reel. Malicious envy, which makes us resentful, often stems from comparing our weaknesses to others' perceived strengths, or our "behind-the-scenes" to their "highlight reels." Most people curate their public image, omitting struggles or making life seem more glamorous. To combat this, actively piece together the "footage that was cut" from someone's perfect narrative, reminding yourself that everyone faces challenges, and their success often involves unseen effort and sacrifice.

Strategic self-reflection. Use envy as a compass to pinpoint what you truly value. Ask: "What do they have that makes me feel less than?" and "Do I really want what they have?" This helps distinguish between genuine aspirations and superficial desires. Shift from malicious envy ("I hate that they have X") to benign envy ("I'm inspired by X") by focusing on learning and self-improvement. Broaden your baseline for comparison, looking at a wider range of people, and compare your present self against your past self to acknowledge your progress.

4. Anger: Channel Its Energy for Productive Change

Anger is an assertion of rights and worth.

Anger's true nature. Contrary to popular belief, anger is not a base instinct to be suppressed; it's an alarm bell from your unconscious mind signaling a threat or an unmet need. Suppressing anger often leads to it festering into resentment or hatred, which are far more destructive. Anger can be a powerful, even compassionate, force that sparks creativity, motivates self-advocacy, and drives social change, as seen in movements like Me Too.

Beyond stereotypes. Our perception of anger is often clouded by stereotypes and biases, particularly around gender and race. Women are often socialized to suppress anger, while men may manifest sadness as anger. Racial stereotypes can lead to harsher judgments for people of color expressing anger. Recognizing these biases is crucial for understanding anger, both in ourselves and others, and for validating its expression.

Productive processing. Instead of venting, which escalates anger, or suppressing it, which leads to internal damage, aim to understand and channel your anger productively.

• Identify triggers: Recognize specific events or conditions that make your blood boil (e.g., feeling unheard, unfairness).
• Understand expression tendency: Are you a suppressor, projector, controller, or transformer?
• Acknowledge violation: Give yourself permission to be angry when a boundary is crossed.
• Address needs: Write an unsent "angry letter" to clarify the underlying needs and desired outcomes.
• Communicate strategically: Use phrases like "When you ____, I feel ____" after calming down to a manageable emotional level (e.g., 3 or 4 out of 10).

5. Burnout: Prioritize Sustainable Pace and Meaning

Your well-being is the foundation for everything else in your life.

Burnout's insidious nature. Burnout is a chronic feeling of exhaustion and stress, often mistaken for simple tiredness that a vacation can fix. It's not just about hours worked, but also internal narratives and societal pressures, particularly exacerbated by capitalism and its uneven burdens on women and people of color. Burnout often creeps up subtly, fueled by adrenaline, making self-awareness difficult until a crash occurs.

Beyond surge capacity. Modern life keeps us in a constant state of "surge capacity," never completing the stress cycle. This accumulation of stress eventually leads to collapse. To prevent this, it's crucial to:

• Live at 80 percent: Avoid over-scheduling and intentionally leave room for rest and unexpected events.
• Complete the stress cycle: Engage in activities that release accumulated stress, such as crying, physical activity, laughter, creative pursuits, or physical affection.
• Set boundaries: Learn to say "no" without guilt, understanding that your capacity differs from others, and protecting your time is an act of self-care.

Realign with purpose. Burnout can manifest as overextension, disengagement, or ineffectiveness. To recover, reconnect with meaning and purpose in your work and life.

• Seek connections: Combat cynicism by actively engaging with supportive colleagues and friends.
• Life craft: Identify what makes you feel valued and invest more in those areas, while shedding nonessential, draining activities.
• Detach worth from output: Recognize that your value as a person is separate from your achievements. Embrace "garbage time" – unstructured, guilt-free downtime that allows your brain to truly rest and wander.

6. Perfectionism: Seek "Good Enough" Over Flawless

Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate.

The illusion of flawlessness. Perfectionism is an unrealistic drive for flawlessness, often rooted in low self-esteem and a deep fear of failure or not being worthy of love. It's not always about color-coded folders; it can manifest as procrastination, people-pleasing, or devaluing accomplishments. This pervasive tendency has increased significantly in the Western world, fueled by social media and meritocratic systems that tie self-worth to achievement.

The perfection paradox. Obsessing over getting things "exactly right" often paralyzes action, leading to missed deadlines and an inability to learn from mistakes. Perfectionists tend to be all-or-nothing thinkers, giving up easily when things aren't perfect. This "perfection paradox" means that the drive for flawlessness actually undermines success, making individuals less effective and more anxious.

Cultivating self-compassion. To move beyond perfectionism, it's essential to challenge the internalized belief that you must be perfect to be valued.

• Scrap the idea it serves you: Recognize that perfectionism hurts your mental health, relationships, and leadership abilities.
• Explore origins: Understand where you learned these expectations (e.g., childhood trauma, achievement-focused upbringing).
• Untangle self-narratives: Define yourself beyond labels and roles, focusing on intrinsic qualities (e.g., "I'm funny and generous" instead of "I'm successful").
• Set approach goals: Shift from "avoid looking foolish" to "impress people with compelling storytelling."
• Embrace "good enough": Recognize when further effort won't make a significant difference and allow yourself to stop at 80% completion.
• Challenge "always" and "never": Reframe all-or-nothing thinking to a more flexible, compassionate perspective.
• Name your inner critic: Create psychological distance from your perfectionist voice (e.g., "Grace" or "Bozo") to manage its influence.

7. Despair: Navigate Darkness with Small Steps and Connection

Life begins on the other side of despair.

Understanding despair. Despair is a profound emotional state characterized by hopelessness, low self-esteem, feeling unloved, frequent worry, loneliness, helplessness, and self-pity. It's more than just depression or anxiety; it's an intense, often isolating experience that can lead to suicidal thoughts. It's crucial to take despair seriously and seek professional help, as it's incredibly difficult to navigate alone.

Debunking myths. Common myths about despair—that distraction will fix it, that your life is "too good" to feel it, or that it's permanent—are harmful. Despair is absolute to the person experiencing it, regardless of external circumstances. It's not a sign of a "broken brain" but a common, albeit terrifying, human experience from which many recover. Open, nonjudgmental conversations are vital, both for those experiencing it and for their loved ones.

Pathways to healing. Recovery from despair is a painful, non-linear process that takes time, but it is possible.

• Chunk time: Focus on getting through small, manageable periods (e.g., "just until dinner," "just for five more minutes").
• Small daily intentions: Set one tiny, achievable goal each day (e.g., send a text, put on deodorant) to regain a sense of control.
• Seek connection: Reach out to people who "get it"—those with similar experiences or empathetic mental health professionals. Distance yourself from those who offer unhelpful platitudes.
• Let go of "on track": Release the pressure of societal timelines; life's path is often unpredictable, and enduring early despair can build resilience.
• Make meaning: Find purpose in your experience, whether through helping others, personal growth, or a renewed appreciation for life.

8. Regret: Learn from the Past to Shape a Better Future

Learning from your past is one of the most effective ways to set yourself up for a better, less regret-filled future.

The inevitability of regret. The idea of a "#NoRegrets" life is a myth; regret is a universal, hardwired human emotion, second only to love in how often it's discussed. It's a "counterfactual emotion," arising from imagining how things could have been different. Even positive outcomes can trigger regret (e.g., wishing you'd bet more after a win). Regret serves as a powerful internal compass, guiding us toward a more engaged and meaningful future.

Categorizing regret. Understanding the type of regret you're experiencing helps in processing it effectively:

• Hindsight regrets: Best decision at the time, but you know more now. Acknowledge you did your best with available information.
• Alternate-self regrets: Vague longing for lives not lived. Recognize you're likely romanticizing these "could-have-been" scenarios.
• Rushing-in regrets: Acting too quickly. Understand the circumstances that led to impatience and set boundaries for future decisions.
• Dragging-out regrets: Delaying a known necessary action. Focus on the strength it took to eventually act and identify barriers (fear, seeking more info, waiting for perfect moment).
• Ignoring-your-instincts regrets: Disregarding your gut feeling. Give your intuition credit and learn to advocate for it.
• Self-sabotage regrets: Consciously making a bad decision to avoid another uncomfortable feeling. Often requires deeper therapeutic work and making amends if others were hurt.

Transforming regret. While grieving what wasn't is normal, regret can be transformed into fuel for growth.

• Remind yourself of gains: Counter "if-only" fantasies by listing what you gained from your choices or avoided by not taking another path.
• Replace "should have" with "what if": Instead of self-blame, ask "What if I acted differently now?" to focus on future action.
• Embrace impermanence: Understand that the intensity of regret softens over time. People adapt, and even "wrong" decisions can lead to unexpected, better paths.

9. Challenge Harmful Myths About Emotions

Thinking different thoughts doesn’t guarantee that you’ll feel different.

Beyond simplistic solutions. The book consistently challenges pervasive myths that hinder emotional processing. It debunks the idea that big feelings are inherently "negative" and should be suppressed, or that one can simply "think their way out" of difficult emotions. This "relentless focus on individual effort" often ignores structural forces and can make people feel worse about feeling bad.

Universal struggles. Another myth shattered is the belief that "you are the only one who experiences big feelings." The authors' survey revealed that 99% of people struggled with a big feeling in the past month. This shared human experience, when acknowledged, can foster connection and reduce the shame and isolation that often accompany difficult emotions. Celebrities and companies openly discussing mental health are slowly chipping away at this stigma.

Nuance over absolutes. The book argues against simplistic, all-or-nothing thinking about emotions. For example, it refutes the idea that "venting makes you feel better" (it often escalates anger) or that "perfectionists get things done" (anxiety about mistakes can paralyze them). By dissecting these common misconceptions, the book encourages a more nuanced, realistic, and ultimately healthier approach to understanding and managing our inner lives.

10. Self-Compassion and External Support are Crucial

If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.

The power of vulnerability. Across all big feelings, the book emphasizes that self-compassion and seeking external support are not weaknesses, but vital components of healing. Liz's journey with perfectionism highlights how trying to appear "perfect" pushed her loved ones away, while vulnerability fostered deeper connection. Sharing struggles, even in small ways, allows others to offer empathy and reduces the burden of carrying emotions alone.

Empathy over sympathy. When seeking support, the quality of connection matters. Empathy—understanding someone's experience to be helpful—is far more beneficial than sympathy, which often involves looking down from a "better place." The book provides guidance on how to offer empathetic support to others, such as listening without judgment, offering specific help, and consistently checking in.

Professional guidance. For intense emotions like despair or deep-seated issues like self-sabotage, professional mental health support is invaluable. Therapists, social workers, and psychologists are trained to navigate complex emotional landscapes and provide tools for long-term healing. The book normalizes seeking therapy and offers resources for finding affordable options, recognizing that some emotional journeys require expert guidance.

11. Your Worth is Intrinsic, Not Tied to Achievement

You are not the work you do; you are the person you are.

Uncoupling self-worth. A recurring theme is the danger of tying one's self-worth too closely to external achievements, performance, or societal expectations. This "enmeshment" can lead to profound suffering, as seen in burnout (where worth is tied to output) and perfectionism (where worth is tied to flawlessness). The book advocates for recognizing your inherent value, separate from what you accomplish or how you appear to others.

Challenging external narratives. Many individuals, particularly those from historically underrepresented groups or with achievement-focused upbringings, internalize messages that their worth is conditional. This creates immense pressure to constantly prove themselves. The book encourages readers to:

• Untangle self-narratives: Define yourself by intrinsic qualities (e.g., funny, principled, open-minded) rather than external roles or labels.
• Prioritize personal happiness: Make choices based on what genuinely fulfills you, even if it deviates from societal or familial expectations.
• Lower expectations: Give yourself grace to not always be "the best" at everything, especially during challenging times.

Reclaiming identity. Detaching self-worth from external metrics is a transformative process that can involve significant life changes, like leaving a toxic job or redefining personal goals. It's about creating space to rediscover and embrace who you are, independent of your roles or accomplishments. This shift allows for greater peace, resilience, and a more authentic connection with yourself and others.

Last updated: January 19, 2026