Key Takeaways
1. Embrace the Ancient Path to Kingship
It’s not sanctimonious advice written by somebody who’s never had his knuckles bloody or his hands dirty or his heart broken; it’s the honest account of a man who’s been where every man needs to go sooner or later.
A personal wilderness. The journey to becoming a king begins in a personal wilderness, a place of feeling lost, alone, and disoriented, despite outward success. This internal struggle, often marked by discouragement and anxiety, reveals a deeper pain and confusion that demands honest self-reflection. It's a call to ask profound questions: "Where are you?" and "How did I get here?"
God's pursuit. God actively pursues men in their wilderness, inviting them to heal through relationships and the counsel of older, wiser men who have walked a similar path. This "ancient path" is a journey of inner transformation, where men reclaim their identity, strength, integrity, and purpose by becoming students and sons. It's a noble calling for the "soul-hungry" and "sick-of-the-BS" reader.
Invitation and process. Becoming a king is an invitation to a transformative process, not a quick fix. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to open one's masculine heart to a deeper love. This path, though rarely traveled, promises to restore the true self and enable men to lead with wisdom and leave a lasting legacy.
2. Recover Your Identity as a Beloved Son
The recovery of our identity as God’s beloved son and our experience of God’s lavish love through sonship is foundational for our transformation into the kind of man who has the inner wholeness to wield power well.
Core misery. Many men experience a profound "fatherlessness," a lack of experiential knowledge of God as a loving Father and themselves as beloved sons. This absence is often the central misery and source of deep pain, regardless of their earthly father's presence. This fatherlessness is not the exception but the norm, leading men to feel "behind" and on their own.
Heroic fellowship. We were created for adoption into the "heroic fellowship" of the Trinity, designed for intimate relationship with God as beloved sons and daughters. Satan's primary assault targets this sacred seat of sonship, seeking to dislodge men from their secure identity. Jesus, however, modeled perfect sonship, living in total dependency and union with his Father, demonstrating what it means to live from a place of constant validation and love.
A new beginning. The journey to sonship begins with a choice to unlearn the Father as we've mistakenly perceived Him and instead learn Him as He truly is. This involves acknowledging our brokenness and inviting God to "Father us." This radical shift from self-sufficiency to dependence on God's provision, protection, and care is the first doorway to becoming a wholehearted man.
3. Dismantle the False Self to Become True
The most dangerous dimension of the false self is that it often works for us, providing false nourishment, satiating the need for identity and validation apart from God.
The false self. Most men present a "false self"—a sophisticated construct developed to avoid pain and shame, providing artificial identity, power, and meaning apart from God. This self-protective mechanism disengages from authentic relationships and operates on preprogrammed, habitual reactions, often fueled by fear and a desperate need for validation.
Futile pursuit. The pursuit of the false self is ultimately futile; it cannot deliver the lasting life and peace it promises. As men mature, the false self becomes less effective, leading to a "death" that can manifest as quiet desperation, addiction, or a deadening of the heart. This pain, however, is an invitation to a "greater life" through the death of the old self and the rebirth of the true self.
Repentance and awareness. Becoming true requires "rethinking our thinking and reconsidering our considerations" under God's guidance. This process begins with awareness: understanding who we are in our false self, its impact on others, and how it expresses self-protection. Only by knowing and dismantling the false self can the true man, created in God's image, be resurrected.
4. Reclaim Your True Name and God-Given Identity
We cannot live beyond the identity we have embraced.
Forgotten names. Like Maximus in Gladiator or Strider becoming Aragorn, men often live under a false identity, having forgotten "what we really are." God's primary mission is our "becoming"—the restoration of our true identity, our "new name" written on a white stone (Revelation 2:17), which expresses our unique character and purpose.
Encounter and process. Receiving this new name is often initiated by a profound encounter with God, but it requires a "slow and steady process of apprenticeship" to truly become that name. Biblical figures like Jacob (Israel), Abram (Abraham), and Simon (Peter) illustrate this journey from a false, self-destructive identity to a God-given, destiny-fulfilling one.
God's masterpiece. We are God's "poiema"—His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). Our true identity is not "sinner saved by grace" but "saint," a holy man uniquely created in God's image. Embracing this identity is crucial because "we cannot live beyond the identity we have embraced." This truth empowers us to overcome struggles and bring our unique strength to a broken world.
5. Cultivate the Generalist Within
Before a man can pursue the specifics of his vocation and his name, he must recover the masculine within him that every man was intended to share.
Atrophy of masculinity. The modern age, with its emphasis on specialization and convenience, has led to an "atrophy of what it means to be a man." Men have become specialists, outsourcing essential life skills and losing the foundational qualities of masculinity. This creates an "unnamed ache" in the soul, a feeling of inadequacy when faced with real-world challenges.
"Hello, trouble." Men were made to "come through," to engage, act, protect, provide, and fix things. The "generalist" is a man capable in a wide range of circumstances, who can face adversity with "fierce mastery" and problem-solving strength. This isn't about being a "masculine caricature" but about recovering the essence of masculine design, like carrying a knife as a symbol of intact strength.
Soul sourcing over outsourcing. To become a generalist, men must repent of the "efficiency of specialization" and embrace "soul sourcing." This means actively engaging in tasks that develop practical skills and character, rather than outsourcing for convenience. Examples include:
- Learning to fix things around the house.
- Managing personal finances.
- Engaging in activities that connect with nature (e.g., chopping wood, hunting).
- Seeking counseling to address inner brokenness.
This process, though often uncomfortable, builds a rugged and tender soul, equipping men to lead their "kingdoms" with confidence.
6. Train as a Warrior in a World at War
We and the world, my children, will always be at war. Retreat is impossible. Arm yourselves.
War as context. Life is a love story set in the midst of war, and to ignore this reality is to misinterpret 90% of what happens to us. Our enemies—the evil one, the fallen world, and our own flesh—are actively waging war against our hearts and those we love. Passivity only increases casualties; therefore, men must be trained as warriors.
Situational awareness. Becoming a warrior requires "situational awareness"—the ability to comprehend the unseen spiritual battle and interpret our lives within God's larger story. This means seeing reality as Jesus sees it, recognizing that God is "the LORD of Angel Armies" and that we are called to resist evil and fight for love.
Training for the fight. Warrior training involves practical steps to strengthen the soul:
- Combat breathing: Four seconds in, four seconds out, to lower heart rate and connect with God's sustaining breath.
- Union with God: Cultivating oneness with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as the source of strength.
- Recovering identity: Standing firm in our identity as beloved sons, the primary target of the Enemy's assault.
- Identifying evil's plan: Discerning Satan's specific strategies against our lives, based on our wounds and vows.
- Consecrating and enforcing: Bringing our "kingdoms" (body, soul, relationships, resources) under God's rule and exercising Christ's authority to enforce His kingdom.
Wholeheartedness, with "no place in Jesus where the warfare could take hold," is the warrior's greatest weapon.
7. Become Good Soil Through Intentional Habitats
The most effective path to attaining the life we desire has less to do with brute effort than with investing the proper time and care into preparing the tools we need for the slow and steady process of becoming a king.
Choosing wisdom. In an age that exalts information and instant gratification, becoming a king requires rejecting the "gospel of progress" and choosing Wisdom as our guide. Wisdom, God's first creation, offers a "long view" that aligns our hearts with how things truly work, leading to a "good life" rooted in God's ways.
Five soul-flourishing habitats: To cultivate "good soil" in our souls, we must establish specific habitats:
- No shortcuts: Embrace the truth that genuine transformation is a "slow and steady way," resisting the temptation for quick fixes.
- Embracing failure: View failures as teachers and fuel for deeper growth, daring greatly in the arena of life without fear of error.
- Choosing the lowest seat: Cultivate humility and holy restraint, allowing God to exalt us in His time, building character over personal kingdoms.
- Living in the present moment: Combat worry (future) and regret (past) by intentionally engaging our senses and connecting with God in the "now."
- Speed of soul: Ruthlessly eliminate hurry and busyness, which are "the enemy of intimacy," to create margin for hearing God's voice and experiencing rest.
The parable of the sower. Jesus' parable of the sower illustrates four conditions of the soul, all present within us: hardened (cynicism), shallow (superficiality), cluttered (worries/wealth), and good soil (hears, retains, perseveres, produces 30, 60, 100x yield). The journey is to increase the "good soil" within, trusting that "it takes a lot of crap to make good soil."
8. Establish Deep Roots Through Spiritual Practices
Who we are in our inmost being and what we are capable of offering in a critical situation are mostly the by-products of who we have trained to become in our day-to-day lives.
Training, not just trying. Becoming a king is not about trying harder but about "training to become" the kind of man who naturally draws life from union with God. Spiritual practices are intentional activities that position us to receive God's grace and transform our character, much like an athlete trains off the field for peak performance on it.
Three categories of practices:
- Practices of Engagement:
- Play: Cultivating joy, laughter, and purposeless activities as a "defiant joy" against a productivity-driven culture.
- Learning: Deeply engaging with books and new subjects, fostering a lifelong curiosity beyond professional interests.
- Worship: Giving our hearts to God, saturating our souls in His love, and reclaiming daily moments (like drive time) for intimacy.
- Adventure: Seeking out experiences in the "wilderness" that require God to show up, expanding our masculine hearts.
- Practices of Abstinence: Strengthening our "no muscle" by refraining from normal or legitimate things to detach from false sources of life and attach more deeply to God.
- Fasting: From food, drink, or other comforts to declare God as our ultimate satisfaction.
- Sabbath: Creating weekly and annual "no-fly zones" for rest, delight, and unplugging from demands.
- Doing Nothing: Intentional stillness and solitude to quiet agitation and hear God's voice.
- Limiting Technology: Setting boundaries on digital devices to protect soul-filled living and intimacy.
- Practices of Being Weird: Risking unique expressions of our God-given nature that may not make sense to others but bear good fruit in our intimacy with God and our particular assignment in His kingdom.
Liturgy of life. The goal is for our "whole life to become liturgy," arranging our days around experiencing deep contentment, joy, and confidence in our everyday life with God. This radical shift from fitting spiritual life into demands to fitting demands into a life with God is the essence of becoming deep roots.
9. Prioritize Like-Hearted Relationships
One of the greatest indicators of spiritual maturity is the quality of our closest relationships.
Relational integrity. The quality of our closest relationships serves as a "litmus test" for our spiritual maturity. True relationships are messy, vulnerable, and inefficient, but they are God's strategy to expose and dismantle the false self, recovering our core desire to love and be loved.
The relational triangle: A well-ordered life prioritizes relationships in a specific hierarchy:
- Hidden Life with God: The foundational priority, where our "inward life must become greater than our outward life."
- Soul Care: Essential stewardship of our true self, enabling us to love God and others effectively.
- Family (Marriage & Parenting):
- Marriage: The "headwaters of redemptive community," intended for unity and intimacy, not just productivity. It exposes our unfinished places and demands a fierce commitment to mutual advocacy.
- Parenting: Becoming the parent we want our children to be, prioritizing both quality and quantity of time, and modeling a "big, bold, and beautiful" gospel.
- Like-Hearted Kings (Peers & Mentors):
- Peers: Finding a "small band of heroic brothers" who are fiercely committed to God, willing to "sign treaties," and fight alongside us.
- Mentors: Leaning into older, wiser individuals who can guide us through our questions and help us see our story from God's perspective.
- Everything Else in Life: The remaining finite resources after prioritizing the core relationships.
Cultivating "no." To sustain these core relationships, men must cultivate a courageous "no" to the many good things that are not God's mission or intention for them. This "benevolent detachment" from the world's demands and the "gospel of infinite possibility" allows us to embrace our limitations as gifts and focus on what truly matters most.
10. Live Under God's Authority with Harnessed Strength
The treasure of the kingdom is a man who is fully yielded to Jesus’ authority.
Jesus, a man under authority. The Roman centurion's faith, which "amazed" Jesus, stemmed from his understanding of authority: he recognized Jesus' supreme authority because he himself was "a man under authority." Jesus' own power flowed from his complete consent to and dependence on his Father's leadership, modeling that true strength is found in submission.
Harnessed strength. Kingdom humility is not passivity but "harnessed strength"—like a wild stallion brought under reign by a master's love and care. God has placed immense power within men, but it can only be used for good when brought under His rule. This allows men to "rule with the heart of a servant and serve with the heart of a king."
Consent and consecration. Our ability to live a powerful life and become a wholehearted king is directly proportional to our consent to God's active and supreme authority over our lives. This involves:
- Consecrating our entire "kingdom" (body, soul, relationships, resources) to God's rule.
- Enforcing His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven, exercising the authority given to us through Christ.
This willing alignment breaks the limits we place on God and enables us to flourish in the unknown.
"What's right with the world? I am." The ultimate goal is to become the kind of man who, like G.K. Chesterton, can answer "What's right with the world?" with "I am." This signifies a life transformed, where the inward life is greater than the outward, and a man's character reflects God's goodness. It's a call to "never give up" on the process of becoming, trusting that God is readying us for an expanding kingdom.
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