Year of Yes

1. The Catalyst: "You Never Say Yes to Anything."

"You never say yes to anything."

A startling observation. On Thanksgiving Day, Shonda Rhimes's sister, Delorse, mutters six words that become the unexpected catalyst for a profound personal transformation. Despite Shonda's immense professional success as a television showrunner, she realizes she has become deeply unhappy, using her demanding career and three children as excuses to decline every social invitation and opportunity. This constant "no" has led her to a state of quiet misery.

The "grenade" explodes. A few weeks later, Shonda has an epiphany: she would have said "no" to sitting in the presidential box at the Kennedy Center Honors, an experience she ultimately found magical, if given the choice. This realization exposes her deep-seated introversion and fear of public engagement, confirming Delorse's observation. She recognizes that her life, though outwardly successful, has become a "pantry" where she hides from genuine connection and experience.

Miserable despite success. Shonda confronts the uncomfortable truth that she is "miserable," despite her privileged position. She acknowledges the shame in this admission, contrasting her struggles with global suffering, but understands her unhappiness is real. Her constant "Athlete Talk"—bland, positive public statements—masked a profound internal void, a life drained of color and excitement, leading her to a critical turning point.

2. The Commitment: A Year of Yes

"Saying no has gotten me here. Here sucks. Saying yes might be my way to someplace better."

A desperate resolution. On her birthday, Shonda makes a radical commitment: to say "yes to anything and everything that scares me" for an entire year. This decision stems from a desperate need for change, recognizing that her current state of unhappiness is a direct result of her habitual "no." She believes that embracing fear and stepping outside her comfort zone is the only path to a different, potentially better, future.

First terrifying "yes." The universe immediately tests her resolve when Dartmouth College invites her to give the commencement speech—a twenty-minute address to sixteen thousand people. This prospect fills her with paralyzing fear, highlighting the magnitude of her commitment. Despite the terror, she accepts, marking her first official "yes" in this transformative journey.

Confronting public fear. Before the Dartmouth speech, another challenge arises: an invitation to appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Shonda, known for extreme stage fright and panic attacks during public appearances, initially resists. However, her commitment to the "Year of Yes" forces her to confront this fear. She negotiates to pre-tape the interview, a small but significant step in managing her anxiety while still saying "yes" to the opportunity.

3. Embrace Doing, Not Just Dreaming

"Dreams are lovely. But they are just dreams. Fleeting, ephemeral. Pretty. But dreams do not come true just because you dream them. It’s hard work that makes things happen. It’s hard work that creates change."

Ditch the dream. In her Dartmouth commencement speech, Shonda challenges the conventional advice to "follow your dreams." She argues that while dreams are beautiful, they are passive. True success and happiness come from "doing"—taking action, seizing opportunities, and continuously moving forward, even without a clear passion or perfect vision.

Be a doer. Shonda emphasizes that a "doer" is someone who actively engages with life, rather than passively wishing. She shares her own experience:

• She didn't dream of being a TV writer; she wanted to be Toni Morrison.
• She pursued film school after reading it was harder to get into than Harvard Law.
• This led her to discover a new storytelling medium that brought her joy.
• Years later, Toni Morrison wanted to talk about Grey's Anatomy.
  This illustrates that doing, even without a grand dream, can lead to unexpected and fulfilling paths.

Work creates change. Shonda asserts that hard work, not just dreaming, is what creates change and makes things happen. She encourages graduates to:

• Get any job, rather than waiting for a dream opportunity.
• Start writing if they want to be a writer.
• Sell a car and travel if they wish to see the world.
  This philosophy underscores the importance of consistent effort and openness to new experiences as the true drivers of personal and professional growth.

4. Honesty and Vulnerability are Power

"If I am going to say YES . . . I might as well say yes to being me."

Beyond "Athlete Talk." Preparing for her Dartmouth speech, Shonda initially drafts a "pithy, witty, snappy" address—her usual "Athlete Talk" that hides her true self. She realizes this approach offers nothing of substance to the graduates. This moment of self-reflection leads her to discard the polished facade and embrace radical honesty.

Speaking her truth. Shonda decides to rewrite her speech to be "casual and a little raw and sometimes inappropriate," but fundamentally honest. She chooses to be vulnerable, sharing her fears, insecurities, and the realities of her life. This shift from hiding behind a persona to revealing her authentic self marks a significant step in her "Year of Yes," transforming the daunting task into an act of genuine connection.

Fear transforms into empathy. Standing at the podium, Shonda expects paralyzing stage fright. Instead, she sees her younger self in the eyes of the graduates, realizing their fear of the future outweighs her own. This empathy liberates her, allowing her to speak with full confidence and joy. She exhales her last breath of fear, becoming "someone new," comfortable and unafraid to be herself in public.

5. Redefine Motherhood and Seek Support

"To do it all, I have Jenny McCarthy."

The "Mommy Scorecard." Shonda reveals the internal "Mommy Scorecard" that constantly judges her, leading to feelings of failure. She critiques the "Mommy Wars" and the societal pressure on mothers to "do it all" without help. She highlights the unrealistic expectations placed on working mothers, often leading to shame and isolation.

The "wig" analogy. Shonda likens the silence around mothers receiving help to Whitney Houston's "flawless" hair, which she later discovered was a wig. This analogy powerfully illustrates how hiding the reality of support (nannies, housekeepers) creates an impossible standard for other women, leading to unnecessary struggle and feelings of inadequacy. She advocates for transparency to alleviate this burden.

Motherhood is not a job. Shonda provocatively states that "being a mother is not a job; it's who someone is." She argues that calling it a job diminishes its profound, lifelong nature and can be used to shame women into staying home. She proudly declares her reliance on her nanny, Jenny McCarthy, as her "secret" to managing work and family, emphasizing that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.

6. Prioritize Play and Self-Care

"My job is still incredibly important. It’s just that playing with my kids is now more important than my job."

Relevance at home. Shonda realizes she's becoming "irrelevant" in her own home, missing crucial moments with her children due to her relentless work schedule. A pivotal moment occurs when her daughter, Emerson, asks, "Wanna play?" and Shonda, despite being late for an event, kicks off her heels and says "yes." This act reignites a "hot pearl of joy" within her.

Making play a priority. This experience leads Shonda to make a firm commitment: to always say "yes" when her children ask to play. This isn't just a rule; it becomes a "law," a "religion" she practices with fervor. This unwavering commitment allows her to shed workaholic guilt and embrace downtime, recognizing its essential role in her well-being and creativity.

Boundaries for balance. To support her commitment to play, Shonda implements strict boundaries:

• No work on Saturdays or Sundays (unless an emergency).
• No work emails after 7 p.m.
• A vow to be home by 6 p.m. for dinner.
  These changes, though challenging for a workaholic, are viewed as crucial for replenishing her creative well and maintaining her physical and mental health, ultimately making her a better writer and mother.

7. Confront Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

"I have been saying yes to fatness."

The "Airplane Seat Belt Incident." Shonda confronts her obesity after a humiliating experience on a plane where she is too fat for a first-class seat belt. This incident forces her to acknowledge her physical discomfort and health issues, including sleep apnea and high blood pressure. She realizes she has been "invisible to myself," ignoring her body's decline.

Food as "magic." She recognizes that her weight gain is not accidental; she has been "successfully fat" by saying "yes to fatness." Food, particularly comfort food, became her "magic"—a way to numb feelings, smooth over "ragged bits," and avoid dealing with emotional pain. This realization, though initially frustrating, is a breakthrough, as it exposes the truth behind her coping mechanism.

"No" to fatness. Shonda decides to say "no to fatness," approaching weight loss not as a pleasant journey, but as "badass warrior work." She accepts that it will be hard and unenjoyable, lowering her expectations. This mindset shift, combined with seeing a doctor, drinking water, and mindful eating (only eating what she craves in reasonable portions), leads her to lose over 100 pounds, transforming her physical and mental well-being.

8. Own Your Success and Practice "Badassery"

"I am smart, I am talented, I take advantage of the opportunities that come my way and I work really, really hard. Don’t call me lucky. Call me a badass."

The glass ceiling. Receiving an award for breaking the glass ceiling, Shonda reflects that she hasn't "broken through" it herself. Instead, she acknowledges the countless women who "crashed into that ceiling and fell back," creating cracks and hairline fractures that eventually made it a "thin sheet of splintered ice" for her. She sees her success as a collective effort, a "trophy for participation" for all who came before.

Beyond "lucky." Shonda challenges the notion of being "lucky," arguing that it diminishes her hard work, talent, and strategic choices. She asserts that success is earned through intelligence, skill, seizing opportunities, and relentless effort. She demands to be called a "badass," embracing a new level of confidence and self-worth.

Embracing "badassery." Shonda defines "badassery" as "the practice of knowing one’s own accomplishments and gifts, accepting one’s own accomplishments and gifts and celebrating one’s own accomplishments and gifts." She realizes that her past tendency to downplay her achievements and make herself "smaller" stemmed from a fear of being perceived as "cocky" or "immodest." She commits to shedding this self-effacing behavior, striving to be as brazen and confident as the men she observes.

9. The Power of "No" and Difficult Conversations

"Freedom lies across the field of the difficult conversation. And the more difficult the conversation, the greater the freedom."

Reclaiming "no." Shonda reflects on a childhood driving lesson where fear prevented her from saying "no," leading to a traumatic experience. She realizes the immense power of the word "no," citing Rosa Parks and her own early career decision to cast Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang against studio pressure. This "no" allowed her to steer her own ship and define her creative vision.

Personal boundaries. While mastering "no" at work, Shonda struggles to apply it in her personal life, often becoming a "helpless baby lamb." She realizes she's unwilling to show herself the same kindness and protection she offers others. This leads to her confronting a "friend" who makes unreasonable financial demands. By saying a firm "no," she experiences immense relief and gains a "second superpower."

The path to peace. Shonda discovers that difficult conversations, though terrifying, lead to peace, knowledge, and freedom. Instead of avoiding conflict or harboring resentments, she learns to directly address issues by asking, "What did you mean by that?" This willingness to engage transforms her relationships, revealing true character and resolving misunderstandings, ultimately reducing stress and improving her well-being.

10. Normalize Representation and Find Your Tribe

"I’m normalizing TV. I am making TV look like the world looks."

The "diversity" question. Shonda expresses her disdain for the term "diversity" in television, preferring "normalizing." She argues that portraying women, people of color, and LGBTQ+ characters is not special or rare, but simply reflects the real world. Her mission is to make television a mirror of society, allowing everyone to see themselves and their "tribe" on screen.

You are not alone. Shonda believes that seeing diverse characters on TV provides a crucial sense of belonging and validation, especially for those who feel marginalized or alone. She highlights the impact of characters like Cyrus Beene, Connor Walsh, and Callie Torres, whose stories help viewers understand themselves and others. This representation fosters empathy and reduces isolation, creating a sense of community.

Beyond the screen. Shonda's personal journey from a shy, lonely child who created fictional friends in her "Shondaland" to a powerful showrunner underscores the importance of finding one's real-life tribe. She realizes that her characters, initially her own companions, have become "everyone else's," offering solace and connection to millions. This mission extends beyond entertainment, aiming to foster understanding and acceptance in the world.

11. Your Happy Ending is Your Own

"Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be."

The marriage dilemma. Shonda, despite growing up with parents who embody a "perfect marriage," realizes she doesn't want to get married. She had been "laying track" (lying) to a partner and herself, driven by societal expectations and the desire to please others. This internal conflict, exacerbated by the "Year of Yes," forces her to confront her true feelings.

Breaking the fairy tale. She finally tells her partner that she doesn't want to get married, leading to their breakup. While acknowledging the pain this causes, Shonda experiences overwhelming relief and joy. She realizes that her "happy ending" is not the traditional fairy tale of marriage, but rather a life defined by her own desires and priorities, free from external pressures.

No rules for happiness. Shonda concludes that there is "no list of rules" for happiness. Instead, it comes from living authentically, listening to one's inner voice, and being true to who you actually are. She encourages readers to:

• Normalize their lives, whether that means not having children or living alone.
• Not apologize or explain their choices.
• Rewrite their own narratives, free from societal expectations.
  This powerful message champions self-acceptance and individual autonomy in defining a fulfilling life.

12. Transformation is an Ongoing Journey

"Saying yes . . . saying yes is courage. Saying yes is the sun. Saying yes is life."

The fear of stopping. As her "Year of Yes" approaches its end, Shonda feels a hollow fear, realizing that saying "no" was a "slow form of suicide"—a way to disappear from life. She understands that the transformation is not a finite project but an ongoing commitment. The cost of reverting to her old ways is too high, making "no" a "dirty word" she can no longer afford to say.

A continuous evolution. Shonda's journey has led to profound changes:

• Losing over 100 pounds.
• Shedding toxic relationships.
• Becoming a better mother, friend, and leader.
• Embracing honesty, adventure, and self-kindness.
  She is "unfinished," recognizing that growth is a continuous process. The "Year of Yes" becomes "forever," a new way of living that prioritizes courage, openness, and authenticity.

Dancing in her own sun. Shonda finds herself on a magazine cover, comfortable and confident in her transformed self. She reflects on her sister's simple act of giving her "permission" to change, realizing she did the work herself. Standing on an apple box during a photoshoot, she feels "on my own mountain standing in my own sun," embodying the joy and freedom that come from embracing life fully.

Last updated: January 22, 2026