Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

1. Abuse is a Mystery, Not a Monster

To see the abuser as he really is, it is necessary to strip away layer after layer of confusion, mixed messages, and deception.

Unraveling confusion. Many women in abusive relationships feel profound confusion, often questioning their own sanity due to their partner's unpredictable moods, contradictory behavior, and gaslighting. This emotional turmoil is not accidental; it's a deliberate, though often unconscious, strategy by the abuser to maintain control and avoid accountability. The abuser wants to remain a mystery, diverting attention from the true causes of his behavior.

Beyond stereotypes. Abusers rarely fit the societal stereotype of a cruel, uneducated brute. They often possess charming, intelligent, and successful qualities, especially early in a relationship or in public settings. This stark contrast between their public persona and private cruelty makes it incredibly difficult for victims and outsiders to recognize the abuse, leading to self-blame and isolation for the abused woman.

The tragic reality. Abuse affects millions, with physical assaults being a leading cause of injury for women aged 15-44 in the U.S. Beyond physical violence, emotional abuse, humiliation, and sexual coercion leave deep, lasting scars, often reported by victims as more damaging than physical wounds. Understanding the abuser's mindset is crucial for victims to protect themselves and reclaim their lives.

2. Debunking the Myths of Abusive Men

Our first task, therefore, is to remove the abusive man’s smoke and mirrors, and then set about watching carefully to see what he is really doing.

Challenging common beliefs. Society often accepts explanations for abusive behavior that are, in reality, excuses concocted by abusers themselves. These myths distract from the core problem and prevent effective intervention. It's a serious error to let abusers define their own issues.

Common myths debunked:

• Childhood abuse: While some abusers were abused, it doesn't cause abuse; it might contribute to extreme danger. Many non-abused men don't abuse.
• Previous partners: Blaming an ex-partner for current behavior is a distortion; a genuinely mistreated man wouldn't use it to hurt someone new.
• Losing control/anger: Abusers rarely "lose control"; their actions are calculated to maintain power, and they are angry because they are abusive, not the other way around.
• Mental illness/low self-esteem: Most abusers are psychologically "normal" with high self-esteem. Mental illness can intensify abuse but doesn't cause it.
• Hates women/fear of intimacy: Most don't hate women; they exhibit disrespect or superiority. Their jealousy is about possession, not fear of abandonment.

The abuser's agenda. These myths serve the abuser by eliciting sympathy, justifying their actions, and shifting blame onto the victim or external factors. Recognizing these as excuses is the first step toward understanding the true nature of abuse and holding abusers accountable.

3. The Abuser's Core Mentality: Control and Entitlement

Entitlement is the abuser’s belief that he has a special status and that it provides him with exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply to his partner.

The root of abuse. At the heart of abusive behavior lies a profound sense of entitlement and a desire for control. Abusers believe they have special rights and privileges that their partners do not, viewing relationships as a means to fulfill their own needs and desires. This mindset dictates their actions, from arguments to daily life.

Spheres of control: Abusers exert control in various aspects of a partner's life:

• Arguments & Decision Making: They see arguments as wars to win, not negotiations, believing their opinions are superior and their will should prevail.
• Personal Freedom: They dictate where their partner goes, who she sees, what she wears, and expect gratitude for any freedoms granted.
• Parenting: They consider themselves the ultimate authority on child-rearing, often undermining the mother's decisions and using children as pawns.
• Caretaking: They expect physical, emotional, and sexual caretaking, viewing it as their partner's duty, while devaluing her contributions.

Twisting reality. Abusers frequently twist situations to make themselves the victim and their partner the aggressor. They deny obvious actions, exaggerate their partner's flaws, and accuse her of their own behaviors. This "reality inversion" is a manipulative tactic designed to confuse, silence, and make the victim doubt her own perceptions.

4. Recognizing the Early Warning Signs of Abuse

The following warning flags mean that abuse could be down the road, and perhaps not far.

The "Garden of Eden" phase. Abusive relationships often begin with intense charm, affection, and a seemingly perfect connection, making it difficult to foresee future abuse. This initial idealization hooks the victim, making it harder to leave later and fostering self-blame when abuse begins. The abuser, often unconsciously, seeks a caretaker, not an equal partner.

Key warning signs:

• Disrespectful talk: About ex-partners or you, using degrading language or condescension.
• Unwanted favors/generosity: Creating a sense of indebtedness.
• Controlling behavior: Subtle at first, like dictating plans or criticizing choices.
• Possessiveness/Jealousy: Masked as intense love, but aimed at isolating and owning.
• Blame-shifting: Nothing is ever his fault; he makes excuses for irresponsibility.
• Self-centeredness: Dominating conversations, poor listening, constant focus on his needs.
• Substance abuse/pressure for sex: Often intertwined with exploitative tendencies.
• Rapid commitment: Rushing into seriousness to "own" the partner.
• Intimidation: Punching walls, reckless driving, veiled threats, or aggressive gestures.
• Double standards: Different rules for his behavior versus hers.
• Negative attitudes towards women: Generalizing women as inferior or sex objects.
• Attraction to vulnerability: Seeking partners who are younger, less experienced, or recently traumatized.

Act swiftly. No single sign guarantees abuse, but physical intimidation is a strong indicator. If multiple warning signs appear, it's crucial to set clear limits or consider leaving safely. The longer one stays, the harder it becomes to escape due to eroded self-esteem, isolation, and traumatic bonding.

5. Abuse in Everyday Life: Tactics and Cycles

The abuser’s problem is not that he responds inappropriately to conflict. His abusiveness is operating prior to the conflict: it usually creates the conflict, and it determines the shape the conflict takes.

Conflict as war. Abusers view arguments as battles to win, not opportunities for mutual understanding or compromise. Their goal is to dominate, discredit, and silence their partner, ensuring their will prevails. This mindset makes genuine resolution impossible.

Common control tactics:

• Denial & Distortion: Denying anger, twisting words, or fabricating events.
• Insults & Ridicule: Belittling opinions, sarcasm, mocking.
• Blame & Guilt: Accusing the partner of his own faults, provoking guilt.
• Intimidation: Yelling, stomping off, physical gestures, or threats.
• Defining Reality: Speaking with absolute certainty, dismissing her perspective.

The abuse cycle. Abusive relationships often follow a predictable pattern:

• Tension-building: The abuser collects grievances, becoming irritable and critical.
• Eruption: A minor trigger leads to an explosion of verbal or physical assault.
• "Hearts and Flowers": After purging, the abuser shows remorse, charm, and affection, rebuilding the bridge he just burned. This phase is crucial for re-hooking the victim.

Benefits of abuse. Abusers are reluctant to change because their behavior yields significant rewards:

• Intrinsic satisfaction of power and control.
• Getting his way in important decisions.
• A scapegoat for his problems.
• Free labor and leisure.
• Being the center of attention.
• Financial control and prioritized goals.
• Maintaining a good public image.
• Approval from friends and relatives.
• Double standards.

6. Sex as a Tool of Power and Control

The abuser’s orientation toward sex is likely to be self-involved. Sex to him is primarily about meeting his needs.

Self-serving sexuality. For many abusers, sex is not about mutual intimacy or pleasure, but about fulfilling their own needs and asserting dominance. They may put effort into their partner's pleasure only to reinforce their image as a "great lover" or to maintain control. This self-centered approach often leaves the partner feeling used and dehumanized.

Sexual entitlement. Abusers often believe their partner "owes" them sex, losing the right to decline once the relationship becomes serious. They may use guilt trips, insults ("frigid," "lesbian"), or threats of infidelity to coerce compliance. This mindset views sexual access as a right, not a shared choice.

Dominance and objectification. Sex becomes a means to establish power, with the abuser feeling he "owns" his partner once they've been intimate. This can manifest as chronic infidelity to prove his prowess, or a rapid loss of interest if his partner doesn't fit his submissive fantasy. He dehumanizes her, reducing her to a "sex object" to avoid guilt about his exploitative behavior.

Sexual assault is violence. Sexual coercion, manipulation, or force, even without overt physical violence, constitutes sexual assault. Victims often blame themselves, but these acts are deeply damaging and can lead to severe emotional trauma. Any discomfort or feeling of violation in sexual interactions should be taken seriously.

7. Addiction is an Excuse, Not a Cause

Alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one.

Separate problems. Partner abuse and substance abuse are distinct issues, though they often co-occur. Many abusers are not addicts, and many addicts are not abusive. Addiction does not cause abuse; rather, it provides an excuse for pre-existing abusive tendencies.

Addiction as a weapon. Abusers use substances to justify their behavior, claiming they "lose control" when intoxicated, or to manipulate their partners. They might:

• Drive drunk to cause worry.
• Force partners to participate in illegal activities.
• Threaten relapse if demands aren't met.
• Blame addiction for all life problems.
• Sabotage a partner's sobriety.

No "bottom" for abusers. Unlike addicts who often "hit bottom" due to self-destructive behavior, abusers rarely experience significant negative consequences in their own lives. Their careers, finances, and social standing often remain stable, making them less motivated to change. Recovery from addiction is a necessary first step for an addicted abuser, but it is not sufficient to end the abuse.

8. Breaking Up: The Abuser's Escalating Tactics

Separation can be an especially risky time.

Resistance to being left. Abusers rarely accept a breakup gracefully. They view separation as a defiant act of independence, challenging their sense of ownership and control. Their reactions can escalate dramatically, becoming more manipulative, coercive, and dangerous than during the relationship.

Common breakup tactics:

• False promises: Pledging to change, entering therapy, or getting sober, only to revert once the partner returns.
• Guilt trips: Accusing the partner of abandonment, making her feel responsible for his well-being or potential self-harm.
• Threats: To kidnap children, ruin finances, spread rumors, or physically harm the partner or her new relationships.
• "Nice Guy" facade: Turning overly charming and attentive to lure the partner back, exploiting traumatic bonding.
• Stalking and assault: Post-separation, abusers may stalk, harass, or commit physical/sexual assault, often escalating to homicide risk.

Traumatic bonding. Abuse creates a psychological dependency where the victim becomes emotionally attached to the abuser, especially during intermittent periods of kindness. This "traumatic bonding" makes leaving incredibly difficult, as the victim may confuse the abuser's manipulative "love" with genuine connection.

Safety first. A woman's intuition about her partner's potential for violence is the most accurate predictor. Safety planning is crucial, whether staying or leaving. This includes securing documents, planning escape routes, establishing code words, and seeking legal protection.

9. Abusers as Parents: A Destructive Influence

Although I have worked with some clients who draw sharp lines around their mistreatment of their partners, so that their children neither see the abusive dynamics nor get pulled into them, most abusers exhibit aspects of their abusive mentality in their role as parents.

Abuse extends to parenting. An abuser's controlling and entitled mindset often infiltrates his parenting, affecting children directly and indirectly. He views children as extensions of himself or his partner, subject to his ultimate reign, and uses them as weapons against the mother.

Impact on children:

• Undermining authority: He overrules the mother's decisions, criticizes her parenting, and encourages children to defy her.
• Role reversal: He expects children to cater to his needs, using them for emotional support or public validation.
• Psychological harm: Children witness abuse, absorb blame-shifting, and internalize negative views of women.
• Divisiveness: He sows discord between family members, fostering sibling rivalry or turning children against the mother.
• Increased risk of child abuse: Abusers are significantly more likely to physically or sexually abuse children.

Post-separation tactics. After a breakup, abusers often use children to continue controlling the mother:

• Weaponizing children: Returning them unfed, dirty, or sleep-deprived; pumping them for information; or psychologically harming them.
• Custody battles: Seeking custody or increased visitation to maintain contact and control, often making false claims of "parental alienation."

Protecting children. Mothers must prioritize their own healing and safety to better protect their children. Seeking support, setting firm boundaries, and documenting abuse are crucial. Children need to know the abuse is not their fault and that their mother is a safe, consistent parent.

10. Allies and the Myth of Neutrality

In reality, to remain neutral is to collude with the abusive man, whether or not that is your goal.

Recruiting allies. Abusers actively seek allies to validate their distorted narratives, discredit their victims, and avoid accountability. They exploit existing family tensions, societal myths about abuse, and the ignorance of professionals to turn people against the abused woman.

Who becomes an ally?

• Abuser's relatives: Often driven by family loyalty, denial, or shared misogynistic views.
• Victim's relatives/friends: Manipulated by the abuser's charm and carefully crafted lies, or by societal pressure to "make the relationship work."
• Therapists/Evaluators: Some professionals, influenced by outdated psychological theories or personal biases, may blame the victim or minimize abuse.
• New partners: Often misled by the abuser's "victim" narrative, becoming fervent advocates against the ex-partner.
• Legal professionals: Some attorneys may engage in unethical tactics, and some police/judges may exhibit bias or lack understanding of abuse dynamics.

The myth of neutrality. Taking a "neutral" stance between an abuser and his victim effectively supports the abuser. It implies shared fault, validates his excuses, and abandons the victim, reinforcing her isolation. True support means unequivocally condemning abuse and standing with the victim.

Societal collusion. Society inadvertently supports abusers through:

• Blaming victims: Suggesting she "provoked" him or "exaggerated."
• Prioritizing his needs: Emphasizing his humanity or his role as a father over her right to safety.
• Romanticizing abuse: Media portrayals that confuse coercion with love.
• Ignoring gender dynamics: Failing to acknowledge that abuse is overwhelmingly perpetrated by men against women.

11. The Making of an Abuser: Cultural Roots

In sum, an abuser can be thought of not as a man who is a “deviant,” but rather as one who learned his society’s lessons too well, swallowing them whole.

Socialization, not psychology. Abusiveness stems from deeply ingrained values and beliefs, not primarily from psychological problems. A boy learns these values from a multitude of cultural influences throughout his life, shaping his expectations for relationships and women.

Cultural influences:

• Laws & Legal System: Historically, laws condoned male physical abuse of wives, reinforcing the idea that it's a "necessary tool" for control. Even today, leniency for abusers sends a message of impunity.
• Religious Beliefs: Many influential scriptures instruct women to submit to male domination, providing explicit justification for control.
• Popular Culture: Music, movies, and comedy often romanticize coercion, glorify violence against women, or present female degradation as humorous.
• Sex-Role Training: Boys are taught from a young age to expect a subservient partner, to be in control, and to devalue female traits.
• Pornography: Often functions as a training manual, teaching that women are sex objects, always available, and even aroused by abuse.
• Blame-shifting: Boys learn to externalize responsibility for their actions, often from adult models who excuse male aggression.

The "servant" fantasy. A boy develops a fantasy of a partner who is beautiful, alluring, and solely focused on his needs, belonging to him entirely. When real women inevitably challenge this fantasy, the abuser's frustration and coercion escalate, as he feels his "rights" are being denied.

Abuse as oppression. Abusive mentality mirrors broader oppressive systems, using tactics of control, intimidation, and victim-blaming. Overcoming abuse requires dismantling these societal values that promote superiority and exploitation.

12. Real Change Requires Deep Accountability

The men who make significant progress in my program are the ones who know that their partners will definitely leave them unless they change, and the ones on probation who have a tough probation officer who demands that they really confront their abusiveness.

No shortcuts to change. Genuine change in an abuser is a complex, painstaking process, not a magical transformation. It's driven by external consequences, not just remorse. Abusers are deeply attached to the privileges their behavior affords them, making them highly resistant to true self-reflection.

Steps to genuine change:

• Full admission: Acknowledge all past abuse without denial or minimization.
• Unconditional acceptance of wrong: Understand that abuse is a choice and inherently wrong, without blaming the victim.
• Empathy: Recognize and feel the impact of abuse on the partner and children.
• Identify patterns: Detail controlling behaviors and the entitled attitudes driving them.
• Develop respectful behaviors: Consistently practice equality, active listening, and support for partner's independence.
• Reevaluate image: Replace distorted, negative views of the partner with positive, empathic ones.
• Make amends: Actively work to repair damage, financially and emotionally, without demanding forgiveness.
• Accept consequences: Stop complaining about repercussions of abuse (e.g., lost trust, legal issues).
• Commit to non-abuse: No conditions, no "chips" for good behavior.
• Relinquish privileges: Give up double standards and selfish luxuries.
• Lifelong process: Understand that overcoming abuse is an ongoing commitment.
• Accountability: Be open to feedback and honest about backsliding.

Assessing claims of change. The abused woman is the best judge of genuine change. Look for consistent, deep shifts in attitudes and behaviors, not just superficial "nice" periods. Signs of no change include blaming the victim for lack of trust, demanding help to change, or criticizing her for not recognizing his "progress."

Creating context for change. A woman cannot make an abuser change, but she can create the context for it by:

• Establishing clear consequences (leaving, legal action).
• Setting explicit expectations for respectful treatment.
• Focusing on her own healing and strength.
• Avoiding couples therapy, which often reinforces abuser's narrative.

Last updated: December 13, 2025