Unfiltered

1. Embrace Your Quirks: Individuality is Beautiful

“The quirky things that make you different are what make you beautiful.”

Celebrate uniqueness. Growing up, the author struggled with insecurities about her prominent eyebrows and extroverted personality, often feeling pressure to conform. She learned that trying to change unique features or personality traits to fit in only leads to regret and self-doubt. Her mother's mantra, "The quirky things that make you different are what make you beautiful," became a guiding principle, emphasizing that differences are not flaws but special qualities to be embraced.

Stand out proudly. Instead of blending in, the author found immense reward in standing out. Her distinctive eyebrows, once a source of teasing, became her signature feature, attracting compliments and defining her. Similarly, her natural inclination to socialize with strangers and connect with people of all ages, though sometimes seen as "weird" by friends, brought her joy and valuable wisdom, reinforcing that being authentically oneself is far more fulfilling than striving for "normal."

Deflect negativity. The author realized that self-consciousness often stems from assuming others are judging you. When people point out differences negatively, it often reflects their own insecurities. By accepting herself, quirks included, external opinions lost their power. She learned to laugh off online trolls and remember that her unique traits are part of what makes her "her," a trademark that should be applauded, not pushed away.

2. Trust Your Instincts: Believe Who People Show You They Are

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

Recognize deceit. The author learned the hard way that some people are masters of deception, hiding their true feelings and intentions. Despite developing observational skills early on to spot insincerity, she found herself entangled in a romantic relationship filled with deceit, codependency, and emotional abuse. She initially fell for a persona, ignoring her instincts and blaming herself when things felt wrong, leading to isolation and self-doubt.

Heed red flags. In an abusive relationship, the author experienced verbal reprimands, belittling tones, and controlling behavior, which escalated to a physical threat. Despite love letters and apologies, old habits resurfaced, making her feel unworthy and isolated. Friends and family voiced concerns, but she struggled to accept the reality until a dear friend shared Maya Angelou's powerful statement: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." This simple truth helped her realize she couldn't change him.

Set boundaries. After a period of separation and a failed attempt at reconciliation, the author finally ended the relationship for good. She understood that his actions—yelling, name-calling, belittling—consistently showed her who he was, and her love alone couldn't counteract his lack of self-love. This experience taught her the importance of trusting her gut, following her instincts, and setting boundaries to protect her well-being, recognizing that such behavior is not exclusive to romance but can appear in all facets of life.

3. Cultivate Self-Worth: You Deserve Unconditional Love

“I will never need anyone to complete me. I am enough on my own.”

Embrace wholeness. The author emphasizes that true love begins with self-love and self-acceptance. She realized that she had often looked to others to complete her or make her feel whole, a detrimental mindset that left her vulnerable to unhealthy relationships. Through personal struggles, she learned that she is inherently whole and defined not by past experiences, but by how she chooses to handle them and move forward.

Demand respect. A powerful letter to herself serves as a reminder that she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, never settling for less. She acknowledges past hurts and self-inflicted pain but vows to move past them, understanding that someone else's bad treatment is a reflection of them, not her worth. This shift in perspective empowers her to seek genuine, honest love that respects and accepts her for who she is, rather than convincing herself that she must endure less.

Forgive and grow. Forgiving herself for staying in unhealthy situations and putting up with less than she deserved was a crucial step in her healing. She recognized that there is no shame in what she went through and that these experiences taught her invaluable lessons about what she truly wants and deserves in a relationship. By believing in her own value, she opened herself up to accepting the love she merits, affirming that she is worthy of happiness and everything good in life.

4. Heal Your Relationship with Food: Fuel, Not Punishment

“I now view food as energy for my mind and body rather than something to be scared of.”

Control through restriction. The author's relationship with food drastically changed in her teenage years, transforming from a source of joy to a means of control during a chaotic period. She developed anorexia and bulimia, obsessively counting calories, restricting intake, and later bingeing and purging. Exercise became a form of self-medication, and diet pills and laxatives further damaged her body, leading to severe physical and emotional consequences.

Breaking the cycle. The turning point came in her early twenties when she decided to confront her food issues and learn to cook. This endeavor, initially inspired by a boyfriend, became a powerful act of self-reliance and a way to regain control from her disorder. She started experimenting with recipes, particularly gluten-free and vegan options, transforming cooking from a terrifying chore into a creative and therapeutic outlet, fostering a new, positive association with food.

Embrace moderation. Learning to cook and bake, especially her "life-changing" chocolate chip quinoa cookies, helped her overcome her fear of desserts and guilt around eating. She embraced moderation, listened to her body's needs, and allowed herself to enjoy food as fuel and a social event. This journey of healing, though ongoing, taught her to accept her body's natural progression, banish shame, and view food as a nurturing force for emotional, mental, and physical strength.

5. Nurture Key Relationships: Family, Friends, and Self

“Open and honest conversation is key.”

The bedrock of support. The author highlights the profound impact of her mother, who served as her best friend, inspiration, and role model. Their relationship, built on open communication and shared adventures, taught her to appreciate life, accept herself, and embrace individuality. Her mother's mantras, like "Consider the source and move on," provided invaluable wisdom, guiding her through difficult times, including eating disorders and abusive relationships.

Navigating complexities. Father-daughter relationships, as the author explains, are often complex. Her father's physical absence after her parents' divorce created deep insecurities and communication challenges. She learned the importance of vocalizing feelings, even when difficult, and forgiving past mistakes to move forward. She emphasizes that recognizing a parent's flaws is a gift, allowing for reevaluation and a path to deeper understanding and appreciation.

Community and connection. Beyond family, the author underscores the vital role of friends and community. Programs like Peer Support in high school taught her the power of sharing stories in a safe, confidential environment, fostering connection and mutual understanding among strangers. She extended this to organizations like We Day, advocating for open dialogue across generations and communities, believing that sharing experiences helps us realize we are never alone and are part of something greater.

6. Transform Insecurities into Superpowers: Your Shadows Are Strengths

“Sources of weakness can transform into your most important and influential sources of inner strength.”

Reframe weaknesses. The author created a superhero alter ego, LiLi, to represent the transformation of her internal shadows and insecurities into strengths. She learned that perceived weaknesses, such as her British accent (which she once tried to suppress) or looking young for her age (which led to being underestimated), could become powerful assets. Her accent became a "secret weapon" for acting roles, and her youthful appearance allowed her to play pivotal characters that shaped her career.

Listen to your heart. Her compassionate nature, while positive, initially fed insecurities in romantic relationships, leading her to prioritize others' needs over her own. She learned that acknowledging her heart's needs and speaking up is crucial for self-protection and becoming a better partner. This shift transformed her "big heart" from a vulnerability into a source of power, enabling her to set boundaries and demand respect.

Embrace the unknown. The author's tendency to overthink and fear the unknown, once a source of anxiety, evolved into a strength. Her meticulous observation of people's behavior made her an excellent judge of character, allowing her to navigate diverse social settings and assess potential relationships more effectively. By learning to let go and take risks, she discovered that some of life's most beautiful moments happen when she surrenders control, using her knowledge as power.

7. Speak Your Truth: Vulnerability Creates Connection

“Choosing how and when to admit my truths allows me to take back the power that my insecurities had once stolen.”

Break the silence. The author realized that the pressure on women to appear effortlessly perfect often leads to hidden insecurities and self-consciousness. A conversation with a fourteen-year-old girl, Grace, who believed celebrities were "born skinny and perfect," highlighted the misconception that not talking about struggles means they don't exist. This spurred the author to openly share her own body image issues and past eating disorders, aiming to dismantle false perceptions and empower young women.

Share your story. The author found her voice through journalism, starting at fifteen by cold-calling magazines to pitch articles from a younger perspective. This platform allowed her to connect with girls globally, sharing her ideas and giving a voice to her generation on topics from fashion to self-esteem. Later, through TV reporting for Nickelodeon, she engaged even wider audiences, demonstrating that a younger voice can make a significant difference in educating and inspiring.

Foster dialogue. Storytelling, whether written or spoken, is presented as a universal tool for connection. The author emphasizes that vulnerability, though difficult, leads to strength and helps others feel less alone. By sharing her truths, she not only found personal healing but also created a space for dialogue, proving that anxieties and issues don't disappear by being ignored; they are best dealt with through open communication and mutual support.

8. Embrace Rejection: Everything Happens for a Reason

“That frustrating roadblock might open you up to something even better down the road.”

Redefine "no." The author learned to interpret "no" not as defeat, but as a redirection or a "not right now." At sixteen, her ambition to be the youngest talk show host was met with constant rejection from network executives who doubted her young audience. While initially disheartening, this "no" ultimately cleared the path for her acting career, which she realized would have been harder to pursue if she had become a TV personality first.

Growth through setbacks. Rejection was a constant companion in her early modeling and acting career, from losing campaigns to not being cast due to age or appearance. Each "failure" felt devastating, but she learned to extract lessons from criticism and trust that better opportunities would arise. For instance, the modeling career she initially pursued didn't take off, which she later recognized as a blessing, as it wasn't a healthy environment for her given her past eating disorders.

Trust the journey. Even in personal life, like college decisions or breakups, the author found solace in the "everything happens for a reason" mantra. Heartbreak, though painful, taught her about her own emotional capacity and what she truly needed in a partner. She reframes "failed" relationships as learning experiences, believing each person taught her something to prepare her for the next. This perspective allows her to accept endings as new beginnings, reducing the weight of regret and fostering peace.

9. Live Unfiltered: Your Story is an Ongoing Journey

“I’m not getting any younger, and the sooner I accept my story for all that it is, and let go of the shame, regrets, and fear surrounding my experiences, the sooner I can just live, love, and be loved.”

Embrace vulnerability. Writing her book, "Unfiltered," was a deeply challenging yet therapeutic process for the author, forcing her to be raw and honest about her past. This act of revealing her secrets and experiences became a form of therapy, helping her realize that life is an ever-evolving story with ebbs and flows, and that perfection is an unattainable myth. The more she opened up, the more she connected with others and felt supported, not alone.

Confront the past for the future. Filming "To the Bone," where she portrayed a character battling eating disorders, was a pivotal moment. It forced her to revisit her own past struggles, lose weight under supervision, and tap into old mindsets. This experience, though terrifying, became a "creative rehab," empowering her to confront aspects of her disorder she hadn't fully addressed. It solidified her commitment to health, not just for herself, but for her future family, breaking the cycle of passing down issues.

Continuous progress. The author's journey of healing and self-reflection in Korea, following "To the Bone," taught her to listen to her body, embrace new foods, and exercise with moderation. She learned to separate her true voice from the controlling voice of her addiction, finding a healthy balance. She accepts that recovery is a continuous process with no end point, only progress. By letting go of shame, regrets, and fear, she aims to live fully in the present, embracing her story and all its layers to truly live, love, and be loved.

Last updated: September 14, 2025