Key Takeaways
1. Millennial Malaise: The Delayed Quarter-Life Crisis
Everyone seemed to be struck down with this same malaise.
A collective ennui. Many millennials in their early 30s experience a pervasive sense of dissatisfaction and ennui, a feeling that life isn't unfolding as expected. This "age of misery" is characterized by a dawning realization of time's finitude, coupled with a feeling of being "locked in" (trapped by choices) or "locked out" (unable to achieve milestones like stable housing or careers). Unlike previous generations who faced similar crises earlier, millennials' prolonged adolescence has delayed this self-reflection, making the hangover more severe.
Economic and social shifts. This identity crisis is exacerbated by unique contemporary circumstances. Economic precarity, rising singledom, delayed baby-making, and a housing affordability crisis mean traditional markers of adulthood—partner, shelter, job, children—are often out of reach. Psychologists note that while previous generations had these realizations by 25, millennials' 20s were an extended period of exploration, leading to a more intense reckoning in their 30s.
Not uniquely miserable. While the challenges are distinct, the feeling of existential dread is not new. Experts argue that millennials are not necessarily "more miserable" than past generations, but face a radically different existential situation. The period from 18 to 30 is often a mix of life's peaks and troughs, and hitting 30 naturally prompts a life review, questioning choices in a world of infinite possibilities.
2. Coping with Ennui: Astrology, Skincare, and Social Media
What we have actually found in astrology is a way to talk about ourselves in a deeply serious way while safe under the cloak of irony.
Seeking control and meaning. In uncertain times, millennials turn to phenomena like astrology and elaborate skincare routines as salves for existential anxiety. Astrology, with its daily horoscopes and "Saturn return" explanations, offers an illusion of control and a framework for discussing personal struggles under the guise of irony. Skincare, a booming industry, provides a tangible way to "impact something, anything," offering comfort in ritual and visible results, even if the underlying issues remain.
The curated self. Social media platforms like Instagram become arenas for self-presentation, where an idealized version of life is curated. While often dismissed as "not real life," these platforms are populated by real people seeking validation and connection. The constant feedback on looks, wit, and life experiences feeds into insecurities, but also offers a sense of belonging and a platform for marginalized voices.
A modern distraction. The smartphone, often blamed for societal ills and decreased attention spans, is also a source of information, connection, and entertainment. While concerns about "phone addiction" exist, they often conflate diverse activities (reading, messaging, news) and overlook the benefits. The internet, despite its flaws, provides a platform for the "preferably unheard" and can foster solidarity in shared experiences, even if it also desensitizes us to tragedy.
3. Marriage: Beyond the "Empty Institution"
The reaction from other people has been so positive and so emotionally overwhelming in a way . . . I know that getting married is a time when your friends come close to you and you get to have the emotional feelings, the conversations that you wouldn’t necessarily otherwise engage in because it’s difficult or confronting, but this is an allowed space for that.
A shifting landscape. Millennials are the first generation in over a century where the majority are not married by their mid-30s, a phenomenon dubbed "waithood." While some view marriage with skepticism, seeing it as an old-fashioned ritual or a bureaucratic necessity, the emotional and communal pull remains powerful. The author's own marriage, initiated by her mother's persistent badgering, highlights how personal decisions are often intertwined with family expectations and external pressures.
The wedding industrial complex. Weddings, more than marriage itself, capture public imagination and serve as a "personal brand-building exercise." Social media amplifies this, flattening aesthetics into predictable categories like "country bride" or "city bride," and generating immense attention and "overwhelming positivity." This focus on the spectacle can overshadow the deeper meaning of the commitment, yet the collective celebration of love remains a significant draw.
Love and commitment. Despite the cynicism, marriage is ultimately an "act of optimism." While unconditional love is a rare ideal, the daily commitment to a partner, even through imperfections, can be profoundly fulfilling. The author's experience, contrasting her parents' divorce with her in-laws' 50-year loving marriage, reveals that while marriage can end, it can also be "the best thing in your life." The joy of finding real, consuming love is a powerful reason to celebrate, even if it's not always easy.
4. Parenthood: The Profound Choice
Modern motherhood demands so fucking much of people . . . it feels like service to a lovely dictator.
The "I just don't want to" factor. The decision to have children is one of life's most profound, yet for many, the primary reason not to is simply a lack of maternal or paternal instinct. While environmental concerns and financial insecurity play a role, the overwhelming sentiment is a conscious choice to avoid the perceived "drudgery" and loss of freedom that parenthood entails. This choice is often met with societal pressure and disbelief, particularly for women.
Loss of self and freedom. Parenthood, especially motherhood, fundamentally alters one's existence. It dictates every aspect of life, from daily routines to long-term plans, leading to a constant negotiation between personal desires and a child's needs. The author acknowledges the truth in these concerns, describing the "drudgery and repetitiveness and the loss of identity" that can accompany early parenthood, a reality often understated by parents themselves.
Unspeakable joys. Despite the challenges, parenthood offers "joy so much beyond my very limited imagination." The "consuming, joyful, annoying type of love" for a child is unique, providing daily moments of delight and a profound shift in focus from self to other. While parents may mourn their former lives, the "big, big, big love" for their children, even with its sacrifices and frustrations, is often described as "worth it," offering an unparalleled sense of purpose and connection.
5. The Illusion of Control: Money, Routines, and the Glorification of Work
We only think we need to work full-time because we have been convinced by corporations in a bad system that we need to work full-time.
Obsession with routines. There's a widespread fascination with others' routines—what they eat, how they spend money, their daily habits—driven by a secret hope of uncovering the "secret" to self-discipline and success. Money diaries and "day in the life" accounts offer a sanitized glimpse into how people function, often revealing insecurities and the desire to project a certain image, even if it's not entirely authentic.
The work-centric life. Society has glorified work to the point where it's seen as the "centre of your life," a primary source of identity and self-worth. This is a historical shift; from the 1830s to 1930s, reducing work hours was a societal goal, with experiments like Kellogg's six-hour shifts proving beneficial for productivity and worker happiness. However, this trend reversed, leading to the current belief that "the right to work full time" is paramount, even if it means sacrificing leisure and well-being.
Challenging the hustle. The author argues that this glorification of work is a "trick of capitalism." Most jobs are not inherently important or fulfilling, and the constant drive to be productive, even in hobbies, is a societal burden. The idea that one would "keep working if they won the lottery" reflects a deep-seated inability to imagine a life not centered around labor. Acknowledging that "working sucks" and that we could all be doing less of it is a radical, yet liberating, thought.
6. The Pressure to Achieve: Productivity and Self-Worth
We were not permitted to just survive; as always, we had to thrive.
The constant checklist. Many feel an internal compulsion to justify their hours, to constantly "achieve" something, even in their leisure time. This manifests as ticking off tasks, planning productive holidays, and turning hobbies into "side hustles." This relentless drive for productivity, often blamed on "the culture" or "capitalism," is deeply ingrained, fueled by a desire for admiration, validation, and a need for life to "mean something."
Pandemic productivity paradox. The COVID-19 pandemic starkly highlighted this pressure. Despite global crisis and shattered attention spans, there was an initial societal expectation to "seize the opportunity" for self-improvement—baking sourdough, learning new skills, or writing a novel. This "thrive, not just survive" mentality, even amidst fear and uncertainty, revealed how deeply embedded the need for achievement is, making many feel inadequate for simply coping.
Beyond external markers. The author's personal experience with exhaustion and a near-doubling of income without a corresponding increase in happiness underscores that external achievements (book deals, career success, wealth) do not guarantee contentment. True happiness, she suggests, comes from "working on yourself," accepting imperfection, and finding joy in simple, non-productive moments. The constant striving, often driven by a desire for status and external validation, can be a "trick" that distracts from genuine well-being.
7. Travel: More Than Just a Holiday
If you want to expand your mind, if you want to learn something about yourself, you have to do something other than just go on holiday.
The myth of transformative travel. Travel is often sold as a profound way to expand the mind, learn about oneself, and become a "better, more well-rounded person." However, for many, "travelling" is simply "going on holiday," a circuit of popular destinations often influenced by social media. This commodified experience, where "doing it for the 'gram'" is as important as the actual experience, can flatten cultures and reinforce a superficial engagement with the world.
Cultural cringe and perspective. The author contrasts the "cultural cringe" of some Australians who idealize overseas cultures with the profound lessons learned from her own childhood experience living in Derry, Northern Ireland. This immersion in a post-conflict society, far from a typical holiday, offered a raw understanding of human conflict and resilience. It also highlighted the "vastness of ignorance" regarding Australia's own Indigenous cultures, which are often overlooked in favor of external validation.
True openness to the world. Genuine personal growth from travel isn't about the destination, but the traveler's "willingness to be moved." If one is already open to learning and extraordinary things, they can be moved "wherever you are." The author's encounters with diverse individuals, from a taxi driver in Hawaii to a Lebanese tour guide, illustrate that parochialism and desperation exist everywhere, and profound insights can be found in everyday interactions, not just exotic locales.
8. Sibling Influence: The Unsung Architects of Self
Your siblings are probably the longest relationship you will have in your life, they have to have a profound impact.
Beyond parental influence. While parenting styles are heavily studied, the profound impact of siblings on personality and development is often overlooked. The author's childhood memories are dominated by her siblings—lighting fires, playing tag, making up identities—suggesting that siblings are often the primary "supporting cast" in one's formative years, shaping everything from assertiveness to humor.
Intimacy and conflict. Sibling relationships are characterized by intense emotional charge and uninhibited expression, ranging from ferocious physical fights to deep intimacy. This constant interaction fosters skills in perspective-taking, negotiation, and persuasion, contributing to emotional understanding and empathy in adulthood. The author's family dynamics, with their shifting "factions" and "claustrophobia," illustrate how these relationships, though sometimes frustrating, are foundational.
Shaping identity. Siblings can serve as both role models and foils, influencing who we become through comparison and contrast. Studies suggest that siblings' relationships with each other and their friends may have more impact on their personality than differential parental treatment. The author's realization that her sister's casual cruelty shaped a friend's self-perception underscores how deeply embedded these early interactions can be, even if parents are "remarkably consistent" in their treatment.
9. Defining Identity: Beyond Abstract Labels
What your ideological brand is, that is what you’re associating with your identity. So basically, we’ve had essentially consumer choices replace our actual identities.
The external gaze. Many define themselves not by intrinsic qualities, but by what others think of them. This desire for admiration and validation drives choices in careers, relationships, and even social media presence. The author's friend, still believing he's "dumb" due to a childhood sibling's remark, illustrates how deeply external perceptions can embed themselves, shaping self-belief and behavior for decades.
The illusion of modern identity. Aboriginal scholar Tyson Yunkaporta argues that modern identity is a "mess" born from abstraction, where people define themselves by "abstract identity categories"—gender, sexuality, ethnicity—which, while correct, reveal nothing about who they truly are. He contends that "consumer choices replace our actual identities," turning individuals into "corporations unto ourselves" focused on branding and defending ideological positions online.
Reclaiming true self. Yunkaporta suggests that this digital, abstract identity leads to "genetic frustration signals" because humans are biologically patterned for identity grounded in "place and relation"—connection to community, land, and relational tasks. The constant "screaming our identities into a void" online, without genuine listening, denies us the deep connections that truly define us. True identity, he posits, "just is," rooted in our obligations and relationships, not in curated self-promotion or fleeting social capital.
10. Embracing Imperfection: Finding Joy in the Mundane
If there is no misery, if you are not in a malaise, then why would you change anything? We need this miserable time.
The paradox of happiness. The author, despite her own contentment, acknowledges the widespread millennial malaise. She suggests that happiness isn't about achieving external milestones like money, marriage, or babies, but about accepting life's imperfections and finding joy in the mundane. Her own "lust for life" was brutally rekindled after a terrifying moment when her son had a seizure, a stark reminder of life's fragility and the preciousness of everyday existence.
Beyond constant gratitude. While "eternal gratitude" is unrealistic, it's vital to be brought back to the "vital stuff of life"—home, nature, loved ones, simple pleasures. Stoic exercises, like imagining the loss of everything, can pull one out of misery. More importantly, shifting focus from self-preoccupation to "devoting some time and effort to other people" can alleviate the burden of constantly scrutinizing one's own life and perceived failures.
Accepting life's flow. The collective freak-out of the early 30s, often fueled by societal myths and precarious economic situations, can be a necessary catalyst for change. It's okay to wonder if one made the "wrong choice" in life, to feel things aren't working out, and to experience grief or regret. The pandemic, with its forced boredom and limited obligations, revealed the "usefulness of boredom" and the simple joys of "just hanging out," reminding us that contentment often comes from accepting fewer options and living life more deliberately, rather than relentlessly striving for an idealized existence.
Last updated:
