Treating People Well

1. Cultivate Confidence and Humility

The best way to stand out is by exhibiting a quiet confidence wherever you go.

Inspire trust. Beginning with confidence dramatically changes your outlook, inspiring trust—a crucial component of all strong relationships. This empowering approach involves consciously choosing to treat everyone graciously, from a simple "good morning" to a compliment for a coworker. Genuine confidence is earned through experience and helps create a calm capability for handling real problems efficiently.

Overcome self-doubt. It's normal to feel out of your depth in new situations, as both authors did when starting at the White House. They learned to redirect fear of failure into a constructive mindset by reminding themselves of their strengths and the reasons they were chosen for the role. This involves maintaining a positive attitude, being well prepared, and providing reassurance to others, fostering an upward spiral of self-confidence within a team.

Avoid arrogance. While confidence is vital, it must be balanced with humility. Overly confident bluster is unconvincing and can lead to serious miscalculations, masking insecurities with bravado. True leaders, like President Gerald Ford, emanate self-assurance without self-importance, understanding that humility fosters respect and likability, making them beloved by those around them.

2. Master Humor and Charm

Humor makes us relax, opens lines of communication, and draws us together.

Defuse tension. A well-timed joke can instantly change the atmosphere of a tense conversation, allowing for a "reset button." Humor, often an acquired ability, helps us get away with things we might not otherwise be able to do, acting as a "Get out of jail free" card in high-pressure situations. Presidents like Barack Obama and Ronald Reagan understood the power of self-deprecating humor to endear themselves and ease interactions.

Build connections. Charm, like humor, is a crucial social skill that bridges differences and smooths the path to understanding. Charming individuals make everyone feel better, drawing people toward them and making others want to help them. This involves reading the room, winning people over with warmth through sincere compliments and genuine interest, and embracing originality in interactions.

Persuade effectively. Incorporating humor into your pitch can significantly boost your chances of success in convincing others. Whether it's a lighthearted quip or a self-deprecating line, humor helps raise spirits, lower blood pressure, and restore equilibrium, making conversations easier and more effective. It fosters a sense of "being in this together," even when dealing with challenging situations or difficult requests.

3. Embrace Consistency and Decisiveness

There is no trust without consistency.

Build dependability. Consistency is a critical ingredient for success in any pursuit, requiring dedication, repetition, and prolonged effort. It gives strength and shape to relationships, ensuring people know what to expect from you. Pat Nixon, for example, was an indispensable figure in the Eisenhower White House due to her unfailing dependability and graciousness.

Establish routines. People are more comfortable when they know what to expect, making routines key to providing structure and mutual trust in the workplace. Establishing consistent habits for day-to-day interactions, like daily check-ins or standardized meetings, ensures everyone is on the same page and fosters cooperation. This also applies to personal life, providing a reliable structure for family members.

Act promptly. Decisiveness is a critical leadership skill; the failure to make a decision is a decision in itself, injecting stress and causing problems to fester. When faced with a decision, examine possibilities, consider negative effects, but don't dither once you know what needs to be done. Share your conclusion clearly, stick to it, and be courageous enough to give your choices a chance to succeed.

4. Practice Active and Empathetic Listening

When you listen quietly to another person, you’re sending a powerful message: that his or her words are more important to you than anything else.

Show respect. Active listening, recommended by the State Department and FBI, involves focused attention without prejudgment, signaling respect and regard for the speaker. Good listeners prioritize the speaker's needs, building trust and rapport while improving their own chances of being heard. This self-discipline helps in understanding exactly what others want, even when unspoken.

Understand perspectives. To be a good listener, cultivate genuine interest in the world around you and develop empathy. Empathy means trying to understand what someone else feels, rather than judging. Former President Bill Clinton's success stemmed from his deep-seated wish to connect with others' stories, making them feel truly engaged and understood.

Embrace silence. Clear away distractions and refrain from formulating your reply until the speaker has finished. Silence is powerful, allowing time to absorb information and sincerely consider what's been said. The best leaders listen more than they speak, asking specific questions to show attention and clarify understanding, which makes conversations easier and more productive.

5. Radiate Calm Under Pressure

Staying calm is assertive.

Convey control. When you remain serene, you communicate that you have the situation under control, disarming antagonists and building trust. In a crisis, adopting a coolly unflappable demeanor buys precious moments to think about options and decide on a course of action. Your calm response sets the tone for others, allowing for logical rather than emotional problem-solving.

Avoid drama. Drama is detrimental to strong relationships; keeping interactions positive and light is crucial. Refusing to react to frenzy establishes you as the adult in the situation, someone who can be counted on to be helpful. Ignoring histrionics, knocking down rumors swiftly, and tempering your tone prevents escalation and keeps your reaction from becoming part of the problem.

Maintain perspective. Most worries never materialize, and many things are beyond our control. It's crucial to keep problems in perspective, applying the right amount of effort without getting hysterical over minor issues or being blithe about serious ones. Leaders like Dwight Eisenhower, who planned the D-Day invasion, understood that perspective reminds us of what truly matters, allowing for effective action.

6. Handle Conflict Diplomatically

Resolving conflicts deftly takes an open, positive outlook and a mastery of the people skills we’ve already discussed: confidence, charm, careful listening, and a calm demeanor.

Engage with problems. The faster you engage with a problem, the faster you can navigate out of it. Instead of asking "What went wrong?", ask "How are we going to fix this?". Acting promptly prevents tensions from festering and allows for swift resolution, even if it means tackling a dispute yourself. Getting facts straight and providing updates are key.

Establish boundaries. Clear boundaries are enormously helpful in easing or preventing disputes. Communicate your limits directly; people may not like what you're saying, but they will know where you stand and respect your commitment. Invoking preexisting standards or policies can give your position weight, as seen when Jeremy explained White House helicopter protocol to a CEO.

Modulate your response. Thinking through your comments and actions during a dispute prevents saying something unforgivable. Separate the disagreement from your attitude toward the person, avoiding sarcasm, contempt, or defensiveness. Focus on the larger goal, and if necessary, take a stand for self-respect, using unemotional statements to address unfairness.

7. Navigate Honesty with Tact

Truth is powerful and it prevails.

Come clean. Being truthful, especially in situations like job interviews, establishes you as a person of integrity. Acknowledging an embarrassing fact upfront, as Muffie Brandon did by telling President Reagan she was a Democrat, can set a tone for a great working relationship. Dishonesty, even small fabrications, can dangerously entangle and call your reputation into question.

Know when to shelter truth. While truth is generally preferable, a lie can sometimes be loving and gentle, sparing someone's feelings without useful purpose other than to hurt. Lea learned this when she regretted telling President Bush that a country singer had refused to perform, realizing she should have sheltered the truth to avoid hurting his feelings. The specific circumstances and your motivation should guide your directness.

Take the long view. Consider the future of working relationships when deciding how honest to be. If you know you've been lied to, challenge it diplomatically, assuming confusion or misinformation rather than malice. Sometimes, it's better to let go of minor untruths that don't harm anyone, as Jeremy did with a guest exaggerating his closeness to the Obamas, rather than provoking unnecessary confrontation.

8. Build Strong Relationships Through Loyalty

Friendship is the only cement that will hold the world together.

Practice discretion. Loyalty is a promise of truth and follow-through, and discretion is at its heart. White House residence staff, for example, were highly esteemed for their unfailing commitment to privacy, never gossiping about past occupants. A loyal person doesn't disparage others behind their backs and is prepared to politely defend allies when others speak unkindly of them.

Be present and supportive. Loyalty means being there for others, letting them know you are available to listen or come to their aid. This involves specific, repeated gestures of dedication, not just empty lip service. The deep bond between the Obamas and Bidens, built through years of trust and affection, exemplifies this, with President Obama acting as a family member during Beau Biden's funeral.

Inspire loyalty. Loyalty flows in both directions. Leaders foster it by giving employees input, creating growth opportunities, and showing care for their well-being. Joshua Bolten, White House chief of staff, engendered loyalty by maintaining an open-door policy and offering frank advice. This mutual benefit makes people want to help you, returning and amplifying your expression of loyalty many times over.

9. Own Your Mistakes and Learn from Them

The time is always right to do the right thing.

Give room to fail. Mistakes are inevitable, yet fear of failure often narrows our choices. Instead of dreading disappointment, focus on concrete steps to prevent negative outcomes and break down tasks into manageable parts. Jeremy's successful transition to a consulting business, despite initial trepidation, showed how redirecting fear into a constructive mindset can open new possibilities.

Apologize sincerely and soon. When you've misspoken or misstepped, acknowledge it immediately and specifically. A sincere apology requires contrition without excuses, and it's therapeutic for both parties. Don't press for immediate forgiveness, as it often takes time for someone to accept a transgression. Lea learned this after her "Coke" gaffe on a PepsiCo jet, quickly apologizing to the flight attendant.

Make amends. Contrition alone is often not enough; you must step up and remedy the problem as soon as possible. If you've bungled something, be the first to accept responsibility and offer to fix it, even if it means working extra hours. Lea's mistake of combining the Congressional Picnic with a PBS special was salvaged by admitting her error and asking for help, demonstrating that people are usually willing to pitch in.

10. Manage Difficult People with Grace

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Ignore bad behavior. Truly incorrigible people thrive on attention, so the strongest remedy for their negative energy is to look the other way. When someone behaves badly in public, refuse to be drawn into it, preserving your sanity by tuning them out like a staticky radio station. This stifles their drama and prevents their negativity from infecting you.

Find the humor. Try to locate the humor in challenging moments, even if it's dark. Sharing gentle, camouflaged jokes with colleagues about demanding individuals can create camaraderie and put the behavior in perspective, making you feel amused rather than burdened. Lea learned to lean into insulting comments with such good humor that the person realized there was no point in continuing.

Deflect and manage. When you can't ignore bad behavior, deflect and manage it. White House social offices are adept at this, accommodating demanding celebrities while subtly steering them away from impossible requests. Understanding what drives a difficult boss and minimizing your vulnerabilities, such as getting decisions in writing or anticipating their needs, can help you navigate challenging work relationships.

11. Practice Thoughtful Virtual Manners

Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, enemy to none.

Mind your phone. Phones are indispensable, but their compulsive use can be disrespectful. Put your device out of sight when talking to someone, and if you must take an important call, apologize and move to a private area. Jeremy observed a guest of honor reading texts onstage during a presidential introduction, a vivid reminder not to let life pass by while looking at a screen.

Email with care. In the digital age, every email can become public, so "don't write anything in an email that you wouldn't be comfortable reading on the front page of the Washington Post." Be straightforward, timely, and polite, avoiding sarcasm, overpunctuation, or abbreviations in professional exchanges. Always double-check for autocorrect errors and avoid sending messages when angry or under the influence.

Set social media boundaries. Social media requires constant refinement of boundaries. Michelle Obama warned her daughters that "everybody's watching" and what they post "can be a part of your life forever." Ask permission before posting photos of others, distinguish between work and personal life, and avoid offensive material. Remember that nothing is truly private online, and a screen grab can immortalize any post.

12. Recognize That Details Matter

Do the best you can in every task, no matter how unimportant it may seem at the time.

Define your day. Paying attention to details is a hallmark of leadership. Organize your time, desk, and mindset to maximize productivity and minimize stress. This includes getting a head start, taking meticulous notes, maintaining a daily calendar, organizing files, proofreading obsessively, and being punctual. These simple routines help keep the whole picture together and ensure smooth operations.

Personalize interactions. Remembering names and personal preferences makes a significant impression, showing you value others. Lea and Jeremy would review guest lists before events to greet people by name, making guests "positively preen with delight." For parties, thoughtful details like a chosen theme, personalized favors, or special attention to guests' comfort make an event warm and memorable, regardless of budget.

Acknowledge behind-the-scenes. Don't take for granted those whose reliable actions often go unnoticed. Official recognition of employees' investments of time and energy keeps spirits up and sets a positive tone. Both the Bushes and Obamas made a practice of hosting farewell dinners and sending personal notes, profoundly affecting staff and making them feel their efforts were important and appreciated.

Last updated: September 2, 2025