White Roar and Awakening

The story opens with a blinding white roar, a sensory overload that is both beautiful and terrifying. The protagonist, later known as Bix, awakens in a body she doesn't recognize, on a bus with other women headed to Hanover State Psychiatric Hospital in 1954. She has no memory of who she is, only a voice in her head urging her to act. The world is unfamiliar, her body is injured, and she is mistaken for Dorothy Frasier, a patient. The sense of self is fractured, and the only certainty is the need to escape and survive. The emotional tone is one of panic, disorientation, and a desperate search for identity.

Identity Lost, Escape Attempted

Bix's instincts drive her to fight and flee, revealing skills she can't explain—she's able to subdue attendants and evade capture with almost superhuman reflexes. Yet, every attempt to escape is thwarted, and she is recaptured and forced deeper into the hospital's labyrinth. The world around her is oppressive, the staff suspicious, and her own mind unreliable. The voice in her head is both a guide and a tormentor, pushing her to act but offering no answers. The emotional arc is one of mounting frustration, fear, and the first hints of a deeper, more complex self beneath the amnesia.

Hanover's Maze of Doubt

Bix is subjected to psychological evaluation by Dr. Sherman, who insists she is Dorothy Frasier, a violent, suicidal schizophrenic. The hospital's procedures are dehumanizing, stripping her of autonomy and dignity. She meets other patients—some lucid, some lost—and begins to question her own sanity. The voice in her head is increasingly antagonistic, and the evidence mounts against her: scars, blackouts, and a history of violence. The emotional tone is claustrophobic, with a growing sense of despair and the chilling realization that her reality may be a carefully constructed lie.

The Unit and Its Ghosts

Bix is transferred to the Unit, a place of sedation, electroshock, and regression. Here, the line between reality and delusion blurs further. She witnesses the devastating effects of the hospital's treatments on other women—catatonia, memory loss, and the erasure of will. The protocol is designed to break her down, to make her compliant and manageable. The voice fades, replaced by a hollow obedience. Yet, fragments of memory and resistance persist, and she forms fragile alliances with other patients, especially Mary, whose own secrets become crucial. The emotional arc is one of numbness, punctuated by flashes of terror and fleeting hope.

Friends, Foes, and Fakers

In the dayroom and dining hall, Bix navigates a web of relationships—Georgie, the privileged but closeted debutante; Lillian, the chronic; Mary, the enigmatic patient with a hidden past. Trust is scarce, and everyone has something to hide. Staff members are not what they seem—some are sadists, others secret allies, and a few are government agents. Bix's own identity is questioned by those around her, and she is forced to play along, faking regression to survive. The emotional tone is tense, with moments of camaraderie and deep loneliness.

Protocols and Powerlessness

The hospital's treatments intensify—electroshock, sedation, and behavioral conditioning. Bix's sense of self is eroded, replaced by mantras of obedience: "Freedom depends on my cooperation." She is repatterned to be docile, her memories fragmented, her will suppressed. Yet, the voice in her head—Bix, the old self—fights to survive, urging her to resist. The emotional arc is one of despair, resignation, and the faintest glimmer of rebellion as she plots escape and clings to the hope of regaining her autonomy.

The Voice and the Mission

Bix experiences vivid hallucinations—or are they memories?—of a future ravaged by a deadly virus called the Guest. She learns she is not Dorothy Frasier but Beatrix "Bix" Parrish, a time traveler from 2035 sent back to 1954 on a mission to find a sample of the virus's ancestor. The voice in her head is revealed as her true self, fighting to break free from the imposed identity. The emotional tone is one of revelation, horror, and a desperate need to reconcile past and future, self and other.

Time Machine Glitches

The time machine is unstable, causing Bix to jump between 1954 and 2035, each time losing more of herself. In the future, she learns of the Child's Army, the Tabula Rasa cult, and the catastrophic impact of the Guest virus. Her mission is urgent: find Dr. Mary Pell, the whistleblower who hid the original virus sample. But each jump comes at a cost—memories are lost, trauma accumulates, and the boundary between Bix and Dorothy blurs. The emotional arc is one of confusion, urgency, and the terror of losing oneself entirely.

The Future's Deadly Guest

In 2035, Bix witnesses a world where the Guest virus has killed everyone over twenty-five, leaving children and young adults to fend for themselves. Society has collapsed, replaced by cults like the Tabula Rasa, led by the charismatic Kameron Rook. Bix's own history is revealed—her role in the Child's Army, her guilt over the death of Theo, and her complicated relationship with Stokes (Paul). The mission's stakes are clear: without the virus sample, humanity is doomed. The emotional tone is apocalyptic, with moments of hope and crushing guilt.

Paul, the Husband, the Lie

Back in 1954, Bix is released into the care of Paul, who is revealed to be Stokes, a manipulative agent from the future. He gaslights her, erodes her confidence, and tries to keep her docile and dependent. Their relationship is a twisted mix of genuine affection, sexual chemistry, and psychological warfare. Bix's struggle to trust herself, to distinguish love from control, is at the heart of this section. The emotional arc is one of heartbreak, rage, and the painful process of reclaiming agency.

Regression and Repatterning

Bix fakes regression to avoid further treatment, relying on the help of allies like Mary and Georgie. She endures sexual assault, betrayal, and the constant threat of lobotomy or sterilization. The hospital's protocols are designed to erase her, but she clings to her mission and her true self. The emotional tone is one of exhaustion, determination, and the bittersweet realization that survival often requires compromise and deception.

Escape, Truth, and Betrayal

With the help of unexpected allies—Joe (Dr. Corbett), Wallace, and Worthy—Bix escapes Hanover, retrieves the crucial information from Mary, and confronts the truth about her own past. She learns of Stokes's true identity and his role in the Tabula Rasa's plans. The cost of escape is high—Mary is killed, Georgie is punished, and Bix is forced to kill Stokes to prevent further catastrophe. The emotional arc is one of catharsis, grief, and the acceptance of necessary violence.

The Name on the Streamer

The pivotal moment arrives when Mary, recognizing Bix as a time traveler, entrusts her with the name and location of the person who holds the original virus sample. This act of trust and sacrifice is the culmination of Mary's arc and the linchpin of Bix's mission. The emotional tone is one of gratitude, sorrow, and the weight of responsibility as Bix prepares to return to the future and complete her task.

Lobotomy and Last Chances

Stokes arranges for Bix to be lobotomized and sterilized, but with the help of Joe/Corbett and Wallace, she escapes at the last moment. The hospital's machinery of control is revealed in all its brutality, and Bix must use every skill—old and new—to survive. The emotional arc is one of terror, adrenaline, and the fierce will to live and fight for a future beyond the institution's walls.

The Tower and the Fall

In a climactic showdown atop Hanover's clock tower, Bix faces Stokes/Paul. He reveals the full extent of his manipulation and the truth about Theo's death. Bix is forced to choose between her new code and the necessity of violence—she kills Stokes to prevent him from sabotaging the mission and dooming the future. The emotional tone is one of anguish, resolve, and the acceptance that some lines must be crossed for the greater good.

The Once and Future Me

Bix escapes Hanover with the information needed to save the future, but at great personal cost. She parts ways with Worthy to protect him, knowing that her mission is not yet complete and that she may never find peace or forgiveness. The story ends with Bix embracing her fractured self—old and new, violent and compassionate—and setting out to fulfill her purpose, whatever the cost. The emotional arc is one of bittersweet triumph, self-acceptance, and the enduring hope that even the most broken can shape the future.

Characters

Beatrix "Bix" Parrish / Dorothy Frasier

Bix is a complex, resourceful woman from 2035, sent back to 1954 to prevent humanity's extinction by retrieving a crucial virus sample. Her mind is a battleground—amnesia, brainwashing, and the voice of her old self war for dominance. She is skilled, violent when necessary, but also deeply compassionate and haunted by guilt over past actions, especially the death of Theo. Her journey is one of self-discovery, as she learns to reconcile her old and new selves, resist manipulation, and accept the necessity of violence for a greater good. Her relationships—with Paul/Stokes, Worthy, Mary, and others—are fraught with trust, betrayal, and longing for connection. Bix's arc is a relentless search for agency, truth, and redemption.

Paul Frasier / Stokes

Stokes is a master of psychological warfare, both in the future as a Tabula Rasa psy-ops expert and in 1954 as the gaslighting "husband" Paul. He is charming, seductive, and utterly ruthless, using love and control interchangeably. His relationship with Bix is a twisted dance of affection, dominance, and mutual destruction. Stokes's ultimate goal is power—over Bix, over the virus, over the future. His willingness to betray, kill, and erase Bix's identity makes him both her greatest threat and a dark reflection of her own capacity for violence. His death is both a liberation and a wound that will never fully heal.

Dr. Sherman

Sherman is the chief psychiatrist at Hanover, embodying the era's faith in institutional power and the righteousness of "treatment." He is both patronizing and genuinely convinced of his own benevolence, subjecting Bix and others to electroshock, sedation, and lobotomy in the name of progress. Sherman's inability to see his patients as individuals, his complicity in government experiments, and his hunger for "instrumentality" make him a chilling antagonist. He is the face of a system that destroys in the name of healing.

Mary Pell / Dr. Mary Droesch

Mary is a brilliant biologist and the original whistleblower who hid the virus sample that could save humanity. Faking catatonia to survive CIA interrogation, she is both fiercely intelligent and deeply traumatized. Her relationship with Bix is one of mutual recognition and trust—she sees through Bix's disguises and entrusts her with the mission's linchpin. Mary's death is a profound loss, but her sacrifice gives Bix—and the future—a fighting chance. She embodies the cost of truth in a world built on lies.

Worthy (Deputy Thomas R. Worthy)

Worthy is a sheriff's deputy in 1954, drawn into Bix's orbit by chance and conscience. He is principled, compassionate, and increasingly aware of the darkness beneath the surface of Hanover and Bix's story. His relationship with Bix is marked by trust, longing, and the hope for a life beyond trauma. Worthy is both a grounding force and a reminder of what is at stake—love, freedom, and the possibility of a future worth living for.

Georgie Douglas

Georgie is a privileged patient in A-Ward, hiding her sexuality and true self behind compliance and wit. She is both a confidante and a mirror for Bix, embodying the compromises women make to survive oppressive systems. Georgie's arc is one of growing courage—she risks her own safety to help Bix, ultimately choosing solidarity over self-preservation. Her fate is a testament to the power and cost of friendship.

Kyung

Kyung is Bix's ally in 2035, responsible for the time machine and the mission's logistics. She is brilliant, pragmatic, and often emotionally distant, prioritizing the mission over personal bonds. Kyung's relationship with Bix is complicated by guilt, secrecy, and the burden of leadership. She is both a guide and a gatekeeper, withholding painful truths to protect Bix and the mission. Her arc is one of reckoning with the limits of control and the necessity of trust.

Ethan

Ethan is Bix's twin, a scientist and one of the last hopes for humanity in 2035. He is gentle, loyal, and haunted by loss—of family, friends, and the world he once knew. Ethan's relationship with Bix is a lifeline, grounding her in love and shared history. His near-death and uncertain fate are a crucible for Bix, forcing her to confront the cost of her choices and the meaning of sacrifice.

Joe / Dr. Cyrus Corbett

Joe, the unassuming custodian, is revealed as Dr. Cyrus Corbett, inventor of the time machine and a time traveler himself. He is enigmatic, resourceful, and burdened by the consequences of his creation. Corbett's interventions are crucial to Bix's survival, but his motives are complex—part guilt, part hope, part scientific curiosity. He embodies the unintended consequences of progress and the possibility of redemption through action.

Kameron Rook

Rook is the leader of the Tabula Rasa in 2035, a messianic figure who exploits the chaos of the Guest pandemic to build a new order. He is magnetic, ruthless, and driven by personal loss—especially the death of his brother Theo, for which he blames Bix. Rook's ideology is both seductive and deadly, offering salvation at the cost of freedom and truth. He is the embodiment of the dangers of certainty and the allure of authoritarianism in desperate times.

Plot Devices

Unreliable Narration and Fractured Identity

The novel's core device is the unreliable narration created by Bix's amnesia, brainwashing, and time travel-induced trauma. The reader is never certain what is real, what is delusion, and what is manipulation—mirroring Bix's own experience. The voice in her head serves as both a guide and a threat, embodying the fractured self that must be reconciled for survival. This device heightens suspense, deepens character, and foregrounds the theme of self-determination.

Time Travel as Trauma and Mission

Time travel is not a glamorous escape but a source of pain, confusion, and loss. Each jump erases memories, blurs identities, and raises the stakes—Bix is racing against both the clock and her own unraveling mind. The mission to retrieve the virus sample is both a literal and metaphorical quest for meaning, redemption, and the possibility of a future. The time machine's glitches, rules, and limitations create narrative tension and force difficult choices.

Institutional Power and Gaslighting

Hanover State Psychiatric Hospital is both setting and antagonist—a microcosm of patriarchal, state, and medical power. The protocols of sedation, electroshock, and lobotomy are tools of erasure, designed to make women compliant and manageable. Gaslighting—by staff, Paul/Stokes, and even Bix's own mind—is a recurring device, forcing the protagonist to question every perception and memory. The struggle for agency is both internal and external, with survival dependent on deception, resistance, and the reclamation of self.

Foreshadowing and Symbolism

The novel is rich in foreshadowing—snippets of memory, cryptic warnings, and symbolic objects (the Latin medal, the box cutter, the pink streamer) all point toward future revelations. Dreams and hallucinations serve as both warnings and guides, blurring the line between prophecy and delusion. The Guest virus, the time machine, and the hospital itself are layered symbols of trauma, control, and the possibility of transformation.

Moral Ambiguity and Necessary Violence

Bix is repeatedly forced to choose between her new code of nonviolence and the necessity of lethal action. The narrative structure foregrounds these dilemmas, refusing easy answers—every act of violence is both a betrayal and a necessity, every alliance fraught with risk. The cost of survival is high, and the line between victim and perpetrator is constantly blurred. The novel's structure ensures that every choice reverberates, shaping both character and outcome.

Analysis

Melissa Pace's The Once and Future Me is a tour de force of psychological suspense, speculative fiction, and feminist critique. At its heart, the novel is a meditation on identity—how it is constructed, deconstructed, and reclaimed in the face of overwhelming external and internal forces. Through Bix's journey, Pace interrogates the nature of agency, the cost of survival, and the possibility of redemption. The psychiatric hospital is both a literal and metaphorical prison, emblematic of the ways society disciplines and erases women who refuse to conform. Time travel, rather than offering escape, becomes a crucible of trauma and self-discovery, forcing Bix to confront the darkest parts of herself and her world. The novel's structure—fractured, recursive, and relentlessly suspenseful—mirrors the protagonist's own struggle to piece together a coherent self. The lessons are hard-won: freedom is never given, only seized; the past cannot be undone, only understood; and the future is shaped not by purity, but by the willingness to act, to risk, and to accept the cost of being fully, imperfectly human. In the end, The Once and Future Me is a testament to the power of resilience, the necessity of moral ambiguity, and the enduring hope that even the most broken can change the world.

Last updated: September 28, 2025