The Come as You Are Workbook

1. What is "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski about?

• Practical, evidence-based guide: The workbook provides tools and exercises to enhance personal sexual wellbeing, grounded in the latest science of women’s sexuality.
• Focus on self-understanding: It helps readers develop a better relationship with their own sexuality, reduce frustration or worry about sex, and maximize sexual pleasure.
• Inclusive and accessible: While based on the science of women’s sexuality, almost every tool and activity is applicable to people of any gender.
• Emphasis on context and individuality: The book challenges cultural myths and encourages readers to explore how their unique bodies, brains, and life contexts shape their sexual experiences.

2. Why should I read "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski?

• Evidence-based approach: The workbook is rooted in scientific research, not just opinion or anecdote, making it a reliable resource for sexual wellbeing.
• Practical exercises: It offers actionable worksheets and activities to help readers understand and improve their sexual lives.
• Destigmatizes sexuality: The book helps dismantle shame and cultural myths, fostering a more positive and compassionate relationship with one’s body and sexuality.
• Supports communication: It provides tools for better communication with partners about sex, enhancing intimacy and mutual understanding.

3. What are the key takeaways from "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski?

• Dual control model: Sexual response is governed by both accelerators (turn-ons) and brakes (turn-offs), and understanding both is crucial.
• Context matters: Sexual pleasure and desire are highly context-dependent, influenced by factors like stress, trust, and life circumstances.
• Arousal nonconcordance: Genital response does not always match desire or pleasure, and this is normal.
• Responsive desire is normal: Not everyone experiences spontaneous desire; for many, desire emerges in response to pleasure or context.
• Self-compassion and curiosity: Embracing your unique sexuality with kindness and curiosity leads to greater sexual wellbeing.

4. How is "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski structured and what can I expect from each part?

• Four-part organization: The workbook is divided into basics (body, brain, context), sex in context (emotional and cultural factors), sex in action (arousal and desire), and ecstasy for everybody (orgasm and new scripts).
• Exercises and reflection: Each chapter includes practical exercises, self-assessments, and space for personal reflection.
• Q&A vault: Real questions from readers are answered throughout, providing relatable insights and advice.
• Progressive learning: The structure moves from foundational knowledge to more advanced concepts, supporting gradual, in-depth self-exploration.

5. What is the Dual Control Model in "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski, and why is it important?

• Two-part system: The model describes sexual response as a balance between the accelerator (noticing sex-related stimuli) and the brakes (noticing reasons not to be aroused).
• Individual variation: People differ in the sensitivity of their brakes and accelerators, which explains differences in sexual desire and arousal.
• Most problems = too much brake: Sexual difficulties are often due to too much stimulation to the brakes, not too little to the accelerator.
• Practical application: Understanding your own brakes and accelerators helps you shape your context for better sexual experiences.

6. How does context influence sexual wellbeing according to "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski?

• Context shapes perception: Whether a sensation is pleasurable or not depends on the context—stress, trust, affection, and explicit erotic cues all play a role.
• Sex-positive context: High trust, high affection, low stress, and explicit eroticism create the most sex-positive environments.
• Change the context, not yourself: When sexual issues arise, adjusting the context is often more effective than trying to change yourself.
• Worksheets for insight: The workbook provides exercises to identify and modify contextual factors that impact your sexual experiences.

7. What is arousal nonconcordance, and how does "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski explain it?

• Definition: Arousal nonconcordance is when physiological genital response does not match subjective experience of desire or pleasure.
• Common and normal: The overlap between genital response and subjective arousal can be as low as 10%, and this is a normal variation.
• Bodies don’t say yes/no: Genitals respond to sex-related stimuli, not necessarily to what is wanted or liked.
• Implications for consent: Understanding nonconcordance helps dismantle harmful myths and supports survivors of sexual violence.

8. How does "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski address sexual desire, especially responsive vs. spontaneous desire?

• Two types of desire: Spontaneous desire appears out of the blue, while responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure or context.
• Most people are responsive: Many people, especially in long-term relationships, experience desire primarily as responsive, not spontaneous.
• Context is key: Creating the right context can facilitate both types of desire, but especially responsive desire.
• Prioritizing sex: Couples who sustain strong sexual connections are friends who prioritize sex, not necessarily those with constant spontaneous desire.

9. What practical exercises and methods does "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski recommend for improving sexual wellbeing?

• Brainstorming and reflection: Exercises encourage nonjudgmental brainstorming about sexual experiences, desires, and contexts.
• Context assessment: Worksheets help identify what makes sex great or not-so-great, and how to create more positive contexts.
• Mindfulness and stress management: The workbook includes mindfulness practices and stress-reduction techniques to remove barriers to pleasure.
• Communication tools: It offers scripts and strategies for discussing brakes, accelerators, and desires with partners.

10. How does "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski help readers overcome shame and negative cultural messages about sexuality?

• Challenging cultural scripts: The workbook guides readers to identify and question moral, medical, and media messages about the “ideal” sexual woman.
• Sex-positive reframing: It encourages creating a new, self-defined mental model of sexuality based on autonomy and pleasure.
• Body positivity: Exercises focus on appreciating one’s own body and recognizing beauty in diverse bodies.
• Letting go of “shoulds”: The book teaches readers to stop “shoulding” on themselves and embrace their authentic sexual selves.

11. What advice does "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski give for dealing with sexual stress, trauma, or performance anxiety?

• Stress management: The workbook emphasizes separating stress from stressors and completing the stress response cycle through movement, sleep, affection, and creativity.
• Trauma-informed: It acknowledges the prevalence of sexual trauma and offers mindfulness and nonjudgmental attention as healing tools.
• Performance anxiety: The book suggests changing your relationship with standards and expectations, focusing on present-moment pleasure instead.
• Support and resources: It encourages seeking professional help when needed and provides recommended readings for further support.

12. What are the best quotes from "The Come as You Are Workbook" by Emily Nagoski and what do they mean?

• “We’re all made of the same parts, organized in different ways.” — Emphasizes the universality and diversity of human sexuality, challenging the idea of “normal.”
• “Pleasure is the measure.” — Reminds readers that sexual wellbeing is about enjoying the sex you have, not meeting external standards.
• “Bodies don’t say yes or no; they say sex-related or not sex-related.” — Highlights the concept of arousal nonconcordance and the importance of consent.
• “The secret ingredient is you.” — Reinforces the message that great sex comes from self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and personal agency.
• “Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.” — Encourages readers to let go of shame and unrealistic expectations, embracing their authentic sexual selves.