Key Takeaways
1. Survival Instincts Shape Our Lives
My infant brain may not have had the awareness of being in a traumatic space, but my body would certainly remember.
Early imprints. Childhood experiences, especially in unpredictable or volatile environments like the author's commune upbringing, deeply embed survival responses. These "4F" responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—become automatic coping mechanisms that dictate adult behavior, often unconsciously. The body retains the memory of these early traumas, even if the conscious mind does not.
Flight response. The author's early life was marked by a "flight" response, characterized by constant movement, achievement, and busyness to escape inner pain. This manifested as:
- Fleeing the commune with her parents.
- Addiction to adrenaline and chronic workaholism.
- A tendency to gloss over pain and avoid conflict by physically relocating or changing relationships.
Unconscious patterns. These survival strategies, while initially protective, can lead to a cycle of chaos and emotional unavailability in adult relationships. Understanding these ingrained patterns is the first step toward breaking free from their hold and consciously choosing healthier responses.
2. The Allure and Cost of External Validation
Luckily, I found that if I ignored my insecurities and instead beamed my attention on others, I could earn approval and validation.
Fawning as strategy. Growing up, the author learned to "fawn"—praising others excessively and giving insincere attention—to gain approval and fit in. This competitive likability became a powerful tool for social status and personal gain, especially in high school and on reality TV. It allowed her to feel adored without the vulnerability of genuine emotional connection.
Superficial success. This strategy, while effective for achieving external goals like popularity, good grades, or winning games, came at a significant internal cost. It led to:
- Emotional unavailability in romantic relationships.
- A disconnect from her authentic self and true desires.
- A constant performance to maintain a "likable" persona.
The price of pleasing. The author's experience highlights how fawning, though socially rewarded, can lead to internal hollowness and a loss of self. It's a potent survival skill, particularly for marginalized groups, but it requires sacrificing one's truth for perceived safety and acceptance.
3. Unearthing and Reclaiming Aggression
My first experience of betrayal was happening on international television, and underneath my rage was a broken heart.
Suppressed anger. In her childhood commune, only the Guru was permitted to express anger, leading the author to suppress her own aggressive feelings. This created a bubbling cauldron of repressed rage, which, when finally unleashed on "Survivor," was both shocking and overwhelming. The betrayal by a trusted ally on the show exposed a raw, unguarded vulnerability.
Channeling aggression. The author found healthy outlets for her aggression through martial arts and boxing, where:
- Aggression was contained within clear rules.
- Physical release provided catharsis and rebuilt confidence.
- Winning was rewarded, transforming anger into a productive force.
Beyond embarrassment. Initially ashamed of her public display of anger, the author later realized that channeling this primal energy was a form of healing. It allowed her to reclaim her power and prepare for future challenges, transforming a perceived weakness into a strategic advantage.
4. The Paralysis of Shame and Denial
I was strong, but hearing their words, I became frozen with shame.
Freeze response. Intense public criticism and personal trauma, such as her brother's accident and the backlash from "Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains," triggered a "freeze" response. This left the author feeling paralyzed, unable to defend herself or process her emotions, leading to deep internal shame.
Internalized criticism. The constant barrage of negative labels ("slut," "greedy," "mean girl") from media and peers led her to internalize these judgments. This resulted in:
- A loss of self-worth and inherent likability.
- A vicious cycle of self-loathing and a desperate need to prove her worth.
- Choosing emotionally destabilizing relationships as an unconscious mechanism of shame.
The danger of repression. Suppressing anger and shame, while seemingly protective, severed her connection to her boundaries and left her vulnerable to further depletion. Healing required confronting this shame, rather than hiding it, to break the cycle of self-blame and abuse.
5. Motherhood as a Catalyst for Transformation
If I didn’t let go of my survival mode of operating, my baby might not grow in a healthy way.
Undoing survival. Pregnancy and motherhood forced the author to dismantle her lifelong survival mechanisms. The need to nurture a new life demanded a shift from a tight, controlled, and hyper-vigilant state to one of softness, surrender, and trust. This process of "undoing" was a profound metamorphosis.
New priorities. The baby's well-being became the guiding force, leading to:
- Prioritizing rest and nourishment over constant hustle.
- Developing self-love by directing care towards her body for the baby's sake.
- Reclaiming agency over her own care and listening to her body's signals.
Paradigm shift. Motherhood revealed the productive power of rest and the strength found in vulnerability. It connected her to a deeper purpose and a lineage of mothers, initiating her into a new identity beyond her "maiden self" and the need for external validation.
6. Grief as a Gateway to Deeper Love
Grief didn’t care about my survival, or my old coping mechanisms. It held me down under the waves and forced me to feel all the pain from all the love I had lost.
Profound loss. The death of her brother, coupled with a high-conflict divorce, plunged the author into an excruciating period of grief. Her usual survival strategies—stoicism, self-sacrifice, dissociation—proved ineffective, forcing her to confront pain directly. This period felt like a "death of self," drawing her into a liminal space.
Dismantling defenses. Grief stripped away her armor, leaving her vulnerable and exposed. It taught her that:
- True strength comes from allowing pain to be part of life, not from defending against it.
- Surrendering to loss can widen the capacity for love and acceptance.
- Healing requires feeling, not avoiding, the depth of emotional pain.
Beyond survival. This intense period of suffering ultimately paved the way for a new power source. By letting go of control and embracing the fluidity of life, she learned that love allows one to move beyond mere survival to a place of thriving, even amidst heartbreak.
7. Healing Through Somatic Awareness
When Sara gave me permission to stop, to put my foot on the brake of that bike, I felt my body relax, unraveling some of the tightness it had been holding on to for so long.
Body as memory keeper. The author discovered that past traumas, like her ATV crash, were stored in her body, manifesting as chronic tension and anxiety. Somatic therapy provided a safe space to revisit and release these "stuck memories," allowing her nervous system to restore itself to a state of safety.
Reclaiming agency. Learning to identify her body's signals—tightness, shallow breathing, racing mind—became crucial for self-regulation. This process involved:
- Developing a "true friendship" with her body.
- Connecting physical sensations to underlying thoughts and fears.
- Learning to pause and consciously choose responses rather than reacting impulsively.
Newfound freedom. By releasing defensive postures, the author experienced profound relaxation, lightness, and expansion. This somatic healing allowed her to slow down, be present, and reclaim control over her internal experience, shifting from a constant state of threat to one of calm and flow.
8. Redefining Identity Beyond Binary Constraints
In seeing and loving Mae for Mae—not as a man or a woman—I also found space to expand my definition of who I was.
Shattering paradigms. Falling in love with a nonbinary person fundamentally challenged the author's ingrained binary understanding of gender and relationships. This experience shattered her previous notions of how sex and intimacy were "supposed" to go, leading to profound self-discovery.
Expanding self-definition. The queer relationship provided a safe space to:
- Explore and embrace all aspects of her identity, including "slutty" and "greedy" desires, without judgment.
- Release the pressure to perform a specific "woman" role.
- Experience freedom and authenticity in intimacy, where all parts of her were met with acceptance.
Beyond either/or. This relationship helped her move beyond the rigid "either/or" thinking of survival mode towards a more flexible "yes/and" perspective. It fostered a widening of her world and heart, allowing her to embrace complexity and find joy in the unknown.
9. Reclaiming the "Villain" Archetype
Saying yes to the invitation and putting the Traitor’s cloak on myself felt like a powerful symbol of my sovereignty.
Conscious villainy. The opportunity to play "The Traitors," a game built on deception, presented a unique challenge to her healing journey. This time, however, she approached the role with self-awareness, separating her true self from the character she played. This allowed her to embrace the "villain" title as a symbol of sovereignty rather than shame.
Testing new skills. The game became a test of her nervous system's resilience and her ability to navigate chaos without losing herself. Her preparation included:
- Practicing truth-telling and emotional honesty in her personal life.
- Developing a strong support system for post-game recovery.
- Engaging in "mafia nights" to practice deception in a safe context.
Empowered play. Unlike her "Survivor" experiences, playing the villain on "The Traitors" was empowering. She relished the strategic power and mischievous glee, knowing that her stable base—a safe home, loving relationship, and healing network—would ensure her well-being regardless of the game's outcome.
10. The Power of Intentional Self-Creation
I could create any kind of family I wanted. I might not have a partner, but I had myself.
Designing a new life. After divorce and profound grief, the author consciously embarked on a journey of intentional self-creation. She realized that her dream of a family didn't have to die with her marriage; she could design a new kind of family based on shared values and authentic connection.
New operating principles. Her "vows to self" and the guiding principle of "Love" became her compass, leading to:
- Setting clear boundaries and honoring her inner guidance.
- Prioritizing self-care and nurturing friendships.
- Creating a home that was a refuge of love, playfulness, and authenticity.
Beyond survival. This deliberate process of rebuilding allowed her to move beyond the reactive patterns of survival mode. By trusting her inner voice and embracing her multifaceted identity, she cultivated a life of genuine freedom, fulfillment, and deep, honest love.
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