Key Takeaways
1. Managing Up is Your Key to Career Success.
Managing up is about you taking charge of your workplace experience.
Your boss matters. Your relationship with your boss significantly impacts your career trajectory and opportunities. While we wish the workplace was a pure meritocracy, the reality is that your boss's perception and experience of you heavily influence your success and advancement within the organization. Building strong, productive relationships upward is crucial.
Everybody manages up. Regardless of your title, most people spend more time reporting to those above them than managing those below. This makes the ability to effectively manage up a universal and critical skill. It's not about being a sycophant, but about consciously developing relationships to increase cooperation and collaboration across different power levels and perspectives for mutual benefit.
Stop complaining, start winning. Instead of waiting for the "unicorn" boss or lamenting unfairness, take responsibility for your career. Managing up empowers you by shifting your focus from what your boss should do to what you can do. This proactive approach helps you thrive with the boss you have, making you a better leader in the process.
2. Focus on What You Can Control: Your Actions, Not Theirs.
You can't change how they deal with you, but you can change how you deal with them.
Accept reality. Your boss's personality and management style are unlikely to change just because you want them to. Their approach has likely been reinforced by their own success or organizational dynamics. Waiting for them to adapt is often a futile exercise that hinders your own progress.
Choice is empowerment. When faced with a difficult situation with your boss, you have three primary choices: change the situation (difficult as you can't change others), leave the situation (a valid option sometimes), or accept and adapt to the situation (managing up). The one non-choice is victimhood, which is disempowering and detrimental to your career and well-being.
Adapt your approach. Since you cannot change your boss's core nature, the most effective strategy is to change your own behavior and interactions. By understanding their style and preferences, you can subtly adjust how you communicate, deliver information, and build rapport. This adaptation is not about sacrificing integrity but about strategic choices for success.
3. Become a Boss Detective: Understand Their Style & Drivers.
Before you begin to manage up, you need to have a good sense of what you are managing up to.
Assess your boss. To manage up effectively, you must first understand who your boss is and what makes them tick. Become a detective, observing their behaviors, priorities, goals, concerns, and communication preferences. Ask questions (to them or others) to gather clues objectively.
Key questions to ask:
- What is their workstyle personality?
- How do they prefer information and communication?
- What are their priorities, goals, and pressures?
- What are their pet peeves and what truly matters to them?
- What are their expectations for you and the team?
Assess yourself. Equally important is a rigorous self-assessment. Understand your own workstyle, preferences, strengths, weaknesses, and what you need to perform at your best. Honestly evaluate your contribution to the dynamic and what you might be resisting. This dual assessment provides the landscape for strategic action.
4. Master the Innie/Outie Dynamic: Adapt Your Communication & Energy.
Building and maintaining a successful working relationship with your boss requires communicating effectively and making sure you are working with their source of energy and not against it.
Introvert vs. Extrovert. Understanding whether your boss leans toward introversion (Innie) or extroversion (Outie) is a fundamental step. This preference impacts their source of energy (internal vs. external) and communication style. Most managers operate primarily from their own preference, not yours.
Managing the Innie Boss:
- Take initiative to schedule meetings.
- Give them time to process; provide topics in advance.
- Keep them informed with brief updates (email often preferred).
- Be okay with silence; don't over-chatter.
- Invest in one-on-one relationship building over time.
Managing the Outie Boss:
- Engage in conversation; listen actively.
- Be friendly and show interest in relationship building.
- Speak up and share ideas, even if not fully formed.
- Clarify and recap conversations to ensure alignment.
- Make time for face-to-face interaction; they gain energy from it.
Adapt your style. Whether you are an Innie working for an Outie, an Outie for an Innie, or even the same type, consciously adapting your communication and interaction style to align with your boss's preference will significantly improve your working relationship and effectiveness.
5. Navigate Workstyle Personalities: Align with Energizers, Advancers, Harmonizers, & Evaluators.
The key here is to understand the similarities and differences between you and your boss so that you can adapt your behavior accordingly.
The Platinum Rule. Beyond Innie/Outie, understanding your boss's dominant workstyle personality—Energizer, Advancer, Harmonizer, or Evaluator—is crucial. These styles dictate how they interact, make decisions, prioritize, and what they value. Treat others as they would like to be treated.
Key characteristics:
- Energizer: Fast-paced, people-focused, idea-oriented, loves brainstorming, easily bored by routine.
- Advancer: Fast-paced, task-focused, results-oriented, decisive, seeks control, dislikes inefficiency.
- Harmonizer: Moderate-paced, people-focused, values relationships/harmony, conflict-averse, seeks consensus.
- Evaluator: Moderate-paced, task-focused, values quality/accuracy, methodical, relies on data, avoids risk.
Adapt your approach. For each style, specific strategies are more effective. For an Advancer, be brief, business-like, and bring solutions. For an Energizer, show enthusiasm and help them execute ideas. For a Harmonizer, focus on teamwork and frame ideas around safety or cohesion. For an Evaluator, be prepared with details, facts, and respect their process.
6. Apply Targeted Strategies for Common Difficult Bosses.
Learning to manage a difficult boss means being able to adapt a strategic perspective.
Difficult comes in shades. While great bosses share traits, difficult bosses are diverse, often resulting from the overuse or underuse of certain behaviors. Common types include Micromanagers, Ghosts, Narcissists, Impulsives, Pushovers, BFFs, Workaholics, Incompetents, and Nitpickers/Seagulls.
Understand the drivers. Difficult behaviors often stem from insecurity, fear, inexperience, perfectionism, apathy, or a need to please. Identifying the root cause helps you choose appropriate strategies, focusing on building trust, providing information, setting boundaries, or compensating for weaknesses.
Tailor your tactics. Each difficult type requires specific management-up techniques:
- Micromanager: Stay ahead, over-inform, deliver high-quality work consistently.
- Ghost: Step up, clarify boundaries, initiate communication, find other mentors.
- Pushover: Encourage, support, fill the vacuum, make them look good.
- Workaholic: Get results, prioritize productivity, align boundaries, promote your progress.
- Incompetent: Pinpoint problems, offer empathy, show them the way, step up and compensate.
7. Recognize the "Truly Terrible" and Prioritize Your Escape.
You can't win with the Truly Terrible.
Beyond difficult. The Truly Terrible boss (psycho, bully, tyrant, etc.) is different from merely difficult. Their behavior is often pathological, characterized by frequent and severe abuse, manipulation, blame, and lack of empathy. They damage health, morale, and productivity, yet organizations often fail to act.
Signs of the Terrible: Yelling, blaming, unreasonable demands, threats, insults, rages, ethical breaches, exclusion, inconsistency, taking credit, exploitation, pitting people against each other, condescension, duplicity, humiliation, extreme impatience, need to be right, demanding loyalty while betraying it. Assess frequency and severity.
Survival is key. Conventional managing-up strategies often fail with the Truly Terrible because they lack the capacity or desire to change. Your primary focus shifts to survival and planning your exit. Protect your psyche, maintain professionalism, distance yourself, activate your support network, and document everything. Getting out is paramount for your well-being.
8. Know When It's Okay—Even Necessary—to Quit.
Quitting is an act of courage.
Not a dirty word. While persistence is valuable, quitting is not always a sign of weakness. Sometimes, it is the most courageous and empowering choice you can make for your career and well-being, especially when faced with a truly toxic or damaging situation that cannot be managed or changed.
Assess the situation. Ask yourself honestly: Can I live with this behavior? Is it worth the cost to my health, growth, or values? Have I exhausted all reasonable managing-up strategies? If the situation is damaging and unchangeable, staying is detrimental.
Plan your exit. If quitting is the right path, plan it strategically. Update your resume, leverage your network, and seek new opportunities while you are still employed, if possible. Leaving a toxic environment is not failure; it is self-preservation and opens the door to healthier, more fulfilling opportunities.
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FAQ
What is "Managing Up: How to Move Up, Win at Work, and Succeed with Any Type of Boss" by Mary Abbajay about?
- Focus on Managing Up: The book is a practical guide to building effective relationships with your boss, regardless of their personality or management style.
- Empowered Followership: Abbajay reframes “managing up” as a form of empowered followership, emphasizing that success at work often depends on how well you manage those above you.
- Real-World Strategies: It offers actionable strategies for adapting to different types of bosses, from introverts and extroverts to micromanagers and narcissists.
- Career Advancement: The book positions managing up as a key skill for career growth, workplace satisfaction, and personal empowerment.
Why should I read "Managing Up" by Mary Abbajay?
- Universal Workplace Challenge: Most professionals will encounter difficult bosses or mismatched management styles at some point; this book provides tools to navigate those situations.
- Proactive Career Management: It encourages readers to take charge of their own workplace experience, rather than waiting for bosses or organizations to change.
- Practical, Non-Sycophantic Advice: The book dispels the myth that managing up is about “sucking up,” instead focusing on strategic adaptation and relationship-building.
- Applicable to All Levels: Whether you’re early in your career or a seasoned leader, the book’s advice is relevant for anyone who reports to someone else.
What are the key takeaways from "Managing Up" by Mary Abbajay?
- You Can’t Change Your Boss: The only person you can control is yourself; adapting to your boss’s style is more effective than wishing they would change.
- Self-Assessment is Crucial: Understanding your own work style, needs, and triggers is as important as understanding your boss’s.
- Managing Up is Not Sucking Up: It’s about making strategic choices, building trust, and aligning with your boss’s priorities for mutual success.
- Difficult Bosses Offer Growth: Challenging managers can teach you resilience, adaptability, and what kind of leader you want to be.
How does Mary Abbajay define "managing up" in "Managing Up"?
- Deliberate Relationship Building: Managing up is consciously developing and maintaining effective relationships with those above you in the hierarchy.
- Strategic Adaptation: It involves adapting your communication, work style, and approach to better align with your boss’s preferences and needs.
- Win-Win-Win Approach: The goal is to achieve the best results for you, your boss, and the organization—not just to please your manager.
- Empowerment, Not Victimhood: Managing up is about making empowered choices, not passively enduring a bad situation.
What are the main types of bosses described in "Managing Up" and how should you approach them?
- Innie (Introvert) Boss: Prefers minimal interaction, values preparation and concise communication; schedule meetings in advance and use email.
- Outie (Extrovert) Boss: Enjoys frequent interaction, brainstorming, and face-to-face communication; be proactive in engaging and sharing ideas.
- Workstyle Personalities: The book outlines four—Advancer (results-driven), Energizer (people-focused), Harmonizer (team-oriented), and Evaluator (detail-oriented)—each requiring tailored strategies.
- Difficult Boss Archetypes: Includes micromanagers, ghost bosses, narcissists, impulsive bosses, pushovers, BFF bosses, workaholics, incompetents, nitpickers, seagulls, and the truly terrible; each has specific advice for managing up effectively.
How does "Managing Up" by Mary Abbajay recommend dealing with introverted (Innie) and extroverted (Outie) bosses?
- With Introverts: Schedule meetings ahead, provide agendas, use written communication, and respect their need for space and time to process.
- With Extroverts: Engage in regular face-to-face or phone conversations, participate in brainstorming, and be open to spontaneous discussions.
- Adapt Your Style: Recognize your own preference and adjust your approach to complement your boss’s energy and communication style.
- Build Mutual Understanding: Proactively discuss preferences to avoid misunderstandings and foster a more productive relationship.
What is the "workstyle personality" model in "Managing Up" and how can it help you succeed?
- Four Workstyle Types: Advancer (task/results-focused), Energizer (people/ideas-focused), Harmonizer (relationship/stability-focused), Evaluator (detail/quality-focused).
- Identify and Adapt: Assess your boss’s dominant style and adapt your communication, priorities, and approach to match.
- Platinum Rule: Treat your boss as they want to be treated, not as you would want to be treated.
- Self-Awareness: Understanding your own style helps you bridge gaps and avoid unnecessary friction.
What strategies does "Managing Up" offer for handling difficult bosses like micromanagers, ghost bosses, and narcissists?
- Micromanagers: Build trust by proactively providing updates, anticipating needs, and delivering high-quality work consistently.
- Ghost Bosses: Take initiative, clarify expectations, document your work, and seek mentorship elsewhere if needed.
- Narcissists: Offer authentic praise, avoid direct confrontation, protect your own reputation, and be prepared to leave if the environment becomes toxic.
- General Approach: Identify the specific difficult behavior, assume positive intent where possible, and decide what you can live with.
How does "Managing Up" by Mary Abbajay address the question of when it’s time to quit your job?
- Recognize the Signs: Persistent misery, declining well-being, lack of safety, and constant stress are red flags.
- Weigh Sunk vs. Opportunity Costs: Don’t let past investment keep you in a bad situation; consider what you’re missing by staying.
- Empowerment in Quitting: Leaving a toxic environment can be an act of courage and self-care, not failure.
- Exit Gracefully: Plan your departure, avoid burning bridges, and maintain professionalism throughout the process.
What are some of the best quotes from "Managing Up" by Mary Abbajay and what do they mean?
- “Managing up is not about brownnosing, sucking up, or becoming a sycophant.” – Emphasizes that managing up is about strategic relationship-building, not flattery.
- “Choice is empowerment.” – Reminds readers that you always have choices, even in difficult situations, and making active choices is empowering.
- “You can’t change your boss. All you can do is change your reaction to your boss.” – Highlights the importance of focusing on your own actions and adaptability.
- “A poisoned well is a poisoned well.” – If a situation is truly toxic, no amount of adaptation will fix it; sometimes, leaving is the best option.
What objections do people have to the concept of "managing up," and how does Mary Abbajay address them?
- “It’s not fair; my boss should change.” – Abbajay acknowledges the unfairness but stresses that waiting for change is disempowering.
- “Managing up is sucking up.” – She distinguishes between strategic adaptation and sycophancy, advocating for the former.
- “It’s inauthentic to change myself.” – The book argues that authenticity is about connecting effectively with others, not rigidly sticking to one’s habits.
- “I don’t want to be a patsy.” – Abbajay clarifies that managing up is about making conscious, ethical choices, not being a doormat.
What are Mary Abbajay’s top practical tips for managing your manager, as summarized in "Managing Up"?
- Build Relationships: Take time to understand your boss’s goals, preferences, and pressures; foster a partnership.
- Bring Solutions, Not Problems: Always propose solutions when raising issues, and avoid surprising your boss.
- Align Priorities: Make sure your work supports your boss’s and organization’s objectives; communicate progress regularly.
- Adapt and Stay Professional: Be flexible, accept feedback, and maintain professionalism even when your boss is difficult.
- Promote Yourself Appropriately: Keep your boss informed of your accomplishments, and make your boss look good—your success is often linked.
How can "Managing Up" by Mary Abbajay help me become a better leader in the future?
- Develops Adaptive Skills: The strategies for managing up are the same skills needed to manage down—adaptability, empathy, and communication.
- Teaches Resilience: Navigating difficult bosses builds resilience and self-awareness, key traits for effective leadership.
- Models Good and Bad Leadership: By reflecting on what works and what doesn’t, you learn what kind of leader you want to be.
- Encourages Empowerment: Taking charge of your own experience prepares you to empower others when you’re in a leadership role.
Review Summary
Managing Up receives mostly positive reviews, with readers praising its practical advice for dealing with different boss personalities. Many find it helpful for improving workplace relationships and career growth. The book is commended for its concise, straightforward approach and relatable examples. Some readers appreciate the self-reflection it encourages. While a few criticize it as basic or redundant, most find value in its strategies for adapting to various management styles and navigating difficult work situations.
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