I Shouldn't Feel This Way

1. Embrace Inner Conflict as a Call to Clarity

The first step to confronting the challenges you face is to stop trying to tell yourself you shouldn’t feel this way.

Inner conflict is a signal. That feeling of being "conflicted, trapped between guilt and frustration" is not a flaw, but an invitation. It's a "Crossroads" moment, urging you to pause and get curious, rather than chastising yourself with "I shouldn't feel this way." Pseudo-solutions and guilt-tripping messages from society or even ourselves only add noise to an already jumbled mind.

Unraveling the knot. We often battle ourselves and others silently, bound by loyalty, kindness, or misguided empathy. This internal "jumbled-up knot" is a cry for gentle care and patient attention, not quick fixes or platitudes. The constant clamor of "You should!" or "You shouldn't!" prevents us from sifting through doubts, fears, and real questions to discover genuine wisdom.

Shift to curiosity. Instead of self-sabotage, pause and ask: "What’s happening here? What am I missing? What do I need to understand about this situation?" This crucial shift from chaos to curiosity is the most important first step. It gives you a shot at turning the car around and finding a better direction, leading to clarity, confidence, and peace.

2. Master the "Name. Frame. Brave." Method

This book is the first time I’ve articulated this process in detail. It’s not based on a specific therapeutic modality, though it works in conjunction with many of them.

A path to clarity. The "Name. Frame. Brave." method is a simple yet powerful three-step process designed to help you navigate life's inherent complexities. It's a guide to transform inner conflict, guilt, and self-sabotage into brave, confident action, applicable to all aspects of your life.

Essential, iterative steps.

• Naming takes command by identifying what's hard. If skipped, you solve the wrong problems.
• Framing brings perspective by understanding the situation's roots and context. If skipped, you apply wrong solutions.
• Braving takes action, translating insight into concrete steps. If skipped, clarity never leads to change.
  All three are essential and work together in a continuous cycle.

Harnessing inner conflict. This method empowers you to harness the power of your conflicting thoughts and mixed-up emotions, making them work for you. By consistently applying these steps, you gain deep satisfaction from facing truth, tame guilt and fear, and gather the support needed to tackle obstacles, assembling a life that radiates your God-given potential.

3. Name What's Hard to Gain Command

Naming is a profound act of noticing, acknowledging, and validating the truth of what you’re thinking and feeling at any given moment.

Confronting inner chaos. When you feel tangled up inside, the very first step is to stop and notice your internal experience without criticism, judgment, or shame. Naming your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations brings calm to the chaos, shifting you from anxious rumination or impulsive reaction to curious awareness.

Identifying truth-pieces. This involves accurately identifying the "precipitating event"—the external event or interaction that triggered your internal turmoil. Connecting your inner experience with what happened outside provides crucial clarifying information, validating your feelings and helping you realize, "Something did happen. No wonder I feel this way."

The power of a name. Finding a "well-fitting name" for your experience brings profound relief, much like a medical diagnosis. It reduces inner tension, clarifies the path ahead, and facilitates greater understanding with others. Tools like journaling, a feelings wheel, or even asking a trusted friend for help can aid this powerful act of self-awareness.

4. Frame Your Reality in "Places In Between"

In religious studies, there is a name for such passageways: liminal places. Derived from the Latin word limen, which means “threshold,” these are the in-between places you move through during periods of transition as you leave something behind and open yourself up to what might be ahead.

Metabolize the truth. After naming what's hard, you need time and space—a "place in between"—to metabolize it fully. These are crucial periods of transition, whether a two-week retreat or a daily commute, where you deliberately slow down, disrupt old impulses, and attend to your emotions to develop a more complete understanding.

The art of framing. Framing is where you "love the questions themselves," delving deeper than surface-level issues. It's a delicate balance of left-brain analysis and right-brain creativity, using tools like the FRAME acronym (Facts, Roots, Audit, Mental Messages, Expansion) and the Looking Tool (Back, Today, Ahead) to gain comprehensive understanding. This process helps you unearth the actual problem, your role, obstacles, and available resources.

Cultivating insight. These in-between spaces, whether a quiet walk or a therapist's office, provide the conditions to unlock creativity and insight. They allow you to reflect on "What is the actual problem here? What’s my part? What’s not my part?" leading to a "holy reframe" of your situation and preparing you for action.

5. Acknowledge That "Two Things Can Be True"

When you lop off any portion of what is true, you wind up trying to deceive or gaslight yourself. On the other hand, when you create a place in between to account for the entirety of what’s true, you align yourself with reality.

Embracing paradox. A powerful "holy reframe" often reveals that two seemingly contradictory experiences can coexist simultaneously. This profound realization—"two things can be true"—is essential for aligning with reality and avoiding self-deception or self-gaslighting.

Examples of coexistence.

• "I need more space from my kids, and I adore my kids."
• "My marriage is hard, and I value my marriage."
• "I’m angry with my parents, and I want to be a good daughter."
• "I feel broken, and I’ve never felt more whole."
  This acceptance of complexity unlocks creativity and new perspectives, allowing you to see a fuller picture.

Beyond "either/or." This mindset moves beyond rigid "either/or" thinking, fostering a more nuanced and compassionate understanding of yourself and your circumstances. By accounting for the entirety of what's true, you quiet inner noise, honor all truth-pieces, and gain clarity and conviction for brave action.

6. Brave Action: Fight, Leave, or Suffer Wisely

To brave the path of suffering—regardless of the cause—is a nuanced and complex act. It’s a path we will all face at various times in our lives.

Translating insight into action. After naming and framing, the next step is to take brave action. This involves choosing one of three strategic paths: fight for change, leave the situation, or suffer it wisely. Each choice empowers you with agency, flowing from self-awareness and integrity.

Strategic options:

• Fight for it: Work for internal change (e.g., improved health, healthier boundaries) or external change (e.g., a relationship, a dream, justice).
• Leave it: Exit a way of thinking, a habit, a relationship, a job, or a group that is causing harm or no longer serving your well-being.
• Suffer wisely: Realistically cope with unchangeable circumstances (e.g., a health condition, co-parenting with an ex) through healthy boundaries, self-care, and "radical acceptance," which is an active, not passive, form of resilience.

Navigating obstacles. Braving is vulnerable and iterative; each step reveals the next. Anticipate obstacles like "ambivalence" (being pulled in two directions) and "regret" (wishing you acted sooner). Crucially, distinguish between "true guilt" (when you've done something wrong and need to make amends) and "false guilt" (when you feel guilty for being humanly limited) to prevent self-sabotage and embrace radical dependence on God.

7. Conquer Thinking Traps to Free Your Mind

The discomfort of dissonance is a gift! It’s a cue that something in your life is out of alignment.

Dissonance as a guide. Our minds often create "thinking traps" to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance—the tension when our beliefs don't align with our actions. This dissonance is a valuable signal that something in your life is out of alignment, offering an opportunity for growth if you choose to name it.

Common mental pitfalls:

• Denial: Refusing to accept an inner tension ("It's not a problem!").
• Rationalization: Creating excuses for behaviors ("I deserve this!").
• Minimization: Downplaying significance to avoid discomfort ("Oh, it's nothing.").
• All-or-nothing thinking: Seeing things in binary terms ("If I can't do it perfectly, I shouldn't do it at all.").
• Negative filters: Filtering out positives, seeing only negatives ("I'm just unlucky.").
• "Should" statements: Badgering yourself with internalized expectations ("I should be more successful.").

Framing for freedom. Recognizing these traps, often signaled by defensiveness, is crucial. Frame them by asking: "Is that really true? Where did I pick up that belief? Is it helping or hurting?" This process, rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy, aligns your thoughts with reality, leading to brave, conscious action and freeing you from being "stuck in your head."

8. Replace Numbing with Authentic Self-Care

Numbing keeps you from the chaos-shattering, light-breaking run-in with reality that empowers you to take charge of yourself and delight in your life.

The numbing spiral. Many cope with stress and painful emotions by numbing or distracting themselves, often unconsciously. Activities like excessive social media scrolling, emotional eating, compulsive working, or constantly helping others can become numbing behaviors, disrupting sleep, finances, and genuine connection.

Naming numbing behaviors. Numbing is the opposite of naming; it attempts to suppress uncomfortable feelings, which then fester and create bigger problems. Clues that an activity is functioning as numbing include: disrupting essential needs, being compulsive, and secrecy. Naming these behaviors without shame is the crucial first step, engaging your thinking brain to understand their dynamics.

Braving authentic care. Framing numbing behaviors involves understanding their triggers and the underlying vulnerable emotions (shame, fear, loneliness, sadness, anger) they protect you from. The goal is to reduce dependence on numbing and replace it with a diverse range of authentic self-care: relational, sensory, recreational, physical, and spiritual. This shift allows you to feel and process emotions, leading to true comfort, vitality, and a deeper connection to yourself and God.

9. Honor Your Body Through Embodiment

Your body is not an inconvenience. It’s not something to put up with until you become a disembodied soul in heaven. Your body matters. It matters now, and it matters for all eternity.

Disembodiment is common. Many of us are disconnected from our bodies, treating them as an afterthought, an inconvenient chore, or a source of shame. We ignore their cues, criticize their appearance, or neglect their needs, often due to inherited toxic messages that devalue the body or link it to shame and judgment.

Framing a new perspective. Your body is a complex, sacred vessel, intimately connected to your mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Frame your body with new, compassionate names: "healing," "beautifully made," "resilient," "masterpiece." This reframing challenges old, toxic messages and fosters a respectful, reciprocal relationship, recognizing your body as God's dwelling place.

Braving attunement. Embodiment means fully inhabiting your body by attuning to its subtle signals—fatigue, tension, hunger, a pit in your stomach. This involves retraining your brain to pause and ask, "What is my body trying to tell me? What does it need?" and responding with genuine care, like movement, stretching, deep breathing, or nature bathing. This practice helps regulate emotions, gain clarity, and strengthens your whole being.

10. Break Free from Comparison, Claim Your Gifts

True humility goes hand in hand with confidence.

The comparison trap. Constantly comparing yourself to others, especially through curated social media feeds, leads to self-criticism, low self-esteem, and resentment. While some comparison can be constructive, unhealthy comparison produces helplessness and self-defeat, distracting you from your own unique path and preventing genuine joy in your accomplishments.

Unearthing root causes. Unhealthy comparison often stems from:

• A comparing inner critic: Constantly highlighting others' perceived superiority or denigrating yourself.
• False humility: Believing that denying your gifts or "playing small" is virtuous, often spiritually rationalized.
• Envy: Wanting what others have, which, if unnamed, festers into resentment, but if named, can reveal buried desires.
• Self-doubt: Lingering wounds from past neglect or insecurity, leading to a constant need for external validation.

Braving your unique path. Name your inner critic, false humility, envy, or self-doubt. Frame these by asking what fears or longings lie beneath. Then, bravely focus on your own gifts and aspirations. Cultivate self-compassion, celebrate your unique strengths, and use a "plumb line" to align vertically with God's purpose for you, rather than horizontally comparing yourself to others. This empowers you to become the best version of who you are.

11. Navigate Toxicity with Clear Boundaries

A person who uses toxic strategies has not earned the privilege of your presence.

Naming toxic patterns. Not all negative behaviors are toxic, but a consistent, pervasive pattern of control, manipulation, or abuse is. Toxic individuals disrupt healthy communication, blame others, and weaponize your vulnerable emotions, leaving you confused, guilty, and self-doubting, even when you've done nothing wrong.

Recognizing toxic strategies:

• Control/Manipulation: Dictating thoughts/actions, guilt-tripping, silent treatment, spiritual manipulation.
• Triangulation: Pulling you into conflict with a third party.
• Blame Shifting: Refusing responsibility, blaming others for their problems.
• Verbal Abuse: Derogatory language, constant criticism, threats.
• Gaslighting: Systematically invalidating your reality to gain power.
• Physical/Sexual Abuse: Intentional physical harm or nonconsensual sexual contact.
  These behaviors are designed to harm or control you, not help you.

Braving boundaries and safety. Frame the impact of toxicity (frequency, history, emotional toll). Then, take brave action:

• Fight for change: Set "word boundaries" (e.g., "I won't discuss this person with you") backed by "action boundaries" (e.g., leaving the room).
• Leave the relationship: If toxicity is pervasive, remove yourself, prioritizing your safety and sanity.
• Suffer wisely: If leaving isn't an option (e.g., co-parenting), neutralize impact by limiting contact, using intermediaries, or pre-selecting conversation topics. The goal is a safe outcome, not changing the other person.

12. Embrace Spiritual Complexity, Not Bypassing

God doesn’t ask you to bypass the conflicting emotions you face. What if those feelings are an opportunity to brave even deeper growth and healing?

The trap of spiritual bypassing. Many are taught to spiritually bypass complex feelings, force-fitting simplistic spiritual solutions like "Just pray!" or "Forgive and forget." This thinking trap ignores your God-given design, projecting decision-making onto God and leading to self-gaslighting, numbing, or magical thinking, ultimately hindering genuine spiritual growth.

Naming complexity with God. It's normal to experience confusion, doubt, anger, or disappointment towards God. True faith involves bringing all your feelings—even "I'm mad at you right now, God"—into your relationship with Him. This "Comma, God" practice fosters a deeper, more authentic bond, as God meets you with compassionate presence, not reprimand, honoring the truth of what you feel.

Braving holistic faith. Challenge counterfeit spiritual messages (e.g., "I should feel happy in suffering," "If I had more faith, I wouldn't struggle"). Frame these messages against biblical truth and God's character. Brave holistic spiritual practices that engage your whole being:

• Whole-body prayer: Attuning to thoughts, feelings, and body cues during prayer, walks, or nature.
• Healing communities: Seeking safe spaces to honestly name struggles and shortcomings without shame, fostering acceptance and belonging.
  This leads to a deeper, more resilient faith, recognizing that spiritual growth involves navigating paradox and embracing your full, intricate self in partnership with God.