Key Takeaways
1. Embracing a Non-Human, Spirit Identity
If my mother is a python, then so am I; if my mother is a god, then so am I.
Core identity. The author identifies as an ọgbanje, an Igbo spirit born to a human mother, a trickster entity that exists simultaneously as both spirit and human. This fundamental understanding of self challenges conventional human definitions of being, gender, and existence. The author's journey involves accepting this dual nature, moving beyond the colonial legacy that dismisses such spiritual realities as mere superstition.
Beyond human parameters. This non-human identity means existing outside typical human categories, including gender. The author's experiences, such as feeling "nowhere" despite extensive travel or a profound detachment from human constructs, are rooted in this spiritual reality. It's a state of being "dead while alive," an intruder in human reincarnation cycles, and a constant negotiation between simultaneous realities.
Self-discovery. The realization of being an embodied god, a "small deity," fundamentally shifts the author's perspective on life, fear, and power. This birthright provides an inherent sense of rightness and authority, allowing for a different way of moving through the world—one that is less constrained by human fears and expectations. It's a journey of remembering and reclaiming an innate, powerful self.
2. Body Modification as Spiritual Alignment
Rather, the surgeries were a bridge across realities, a movement from being assigned female to assigning myself as ọgbanje—a spirit customizing its vessel to reflect its nature.
Resolving dysphoria. The author undergoes significant body modifications, including a breast reduction and a hysterectomy, not merely for gender transition in human terms, but to align their physical vessel with their spirit-self. This is described as "flesh dysphoria" or "metaphysical dysphoria," a profound discomfort arising from the mismatch between their non-human spirit and the human body it inhabits.
Intentional mutilation. These surgeries are viewed not as mutilation in a negative sense, but as a deliberate act of "mutilation as a shift from wrongness to alignment." The resulting scars are celebrated as adornments, tangible reminders of the choice to move towards an authentic self, even if it means deviating from societal ideals of the human body. The process is a conscious customization of the physical form to better reflect the author's inherent nature.
Challenging norms. The medical establishment's resistance to removing healthy organs or performing surgeries outside typical gender transitions highlights the clash between human and non-human realities. The author navigates these systems by strategically presenting their desires, ultimately finding doctors willing to facilitate these "transgressions." This process underscores the author's commitment to embodying their true self, regardless of external validation or understanding.
3. The Power of "Worldbending" Through Creation
All you have to do is write.
Manifesting reality. "Worldbending" is the act of manifesting desired futures through intentional action, particularly writing. The author describes a "spell" for storytellers: envisioning a future and then pulling those defined lines into the present through consistent, dedicated work. This process is fueled by imagination, ego, and hope, condensing grand aspirations into the simple, immediate act of writing.
Execution as magic. The core of this spell is execution—the discipline of sitting down and writing, regardless of motivation or perceived difficulty. The author bribes themselves with future desires, reminding themselves that each word written is a step towards the world they want. This rigorous commitment to the work is seen as a ritual, a sacrifice, and a form of magic that makes the impossible attainable.
Beyond shortcuts. The author observes that many try to find shortcuts to success, wasting energy that could be channeled into the work itself. True worldbending requires devotion, a willingness to "let the rest of the world burn," and to embrace a kind of madness in prioritizing creation. This unwavering belief in the spell, coupled with consistent action, is presented as the generator of their success, leading to achievements beyond initial imagination.
4. Navigating the Publishing Industry as a Marginalized Artist
I knew the world saw me as a Black writer, as an African woman even though I wasn’t a woman, and I’d read enough about racism in publishing to worry about how it would play out in real time against me.
Challenging the canon. The author's early experiences in academia revealed a pervasive expectation to prioritize a specific European literary canon, often at the expense of their own unique voice and perspective. This led to anxieties about writing stories that deviated from familiar or expected themes for an African writer, fearing rejection from gatekeepers who might deem their work "arrogant" or "out of place."
Strategic self-definition. To counter these pressures, the author consciously defines their work as rooted in Igbo ontology and metaphysical identity, rather than solely national or racial identity. They insist on the use of plural pronouns and amplify their non-human identity in public discourse, refusing to be confined by colonial or Western frameworks. This strategic self-naming is a powerful act of resistance against an industry that often seeks to categorize and limit marginalized voices.
Financial realities. The opaque nature of publishing, particularly regarding advances and market expectations, is a brutal lesson. The author recounts receiving a significantly lower advance than initially hoped for, highlighting the undervaluation of their work as a Black, non-binary, African writer. This experience, however, fuels a determination to bet on themselves, leading to a later, much larger two-book deal, demonstrating the power of self-belief and strategic negotiation.
5. The Paradox of Visibility: Glory and Isolation
People can’t imagine that I can have all the things they want and still not be okay, still be dying so fast it’s incredible.
Fame's double edge. The author initially desired fame and recognition, viewing it as a path to glory and validation. However, increased visibility brings a paradox: while achieving external success, it also leads to profound isolation and a sense of being unseen in their true self. People project their fantasies onto the author, unable to comprehend that success doesn't equate to well-being, especially for a "deviant body."
The cost of shine. The "shine" of fame comes with significant costs: paranoia, loss of privacy, and the constant need for self-protection. The author describes retreating from public life, building "shields," and establishing strict protocols to manage interactions, as the world becomes "rough" and people seek to exploit or control access to them. This retreat is a necessary act of self-preservation against the onslaught of external demands and misinterpretations.
Redefining success. Ultimately, the author redefines success not as external accolades, but as safety, resources, and the freedom to continue making their work. While still acknowledging a desire for "shine," they learn to shift it to the periphery, prioritizing their well-being and the integrity of their creative process. The work itself becomes a proxy, an "invincible" entity that can spread its message without the author having to endure the full brunt of hypervisibility.
6. Defiance and Self-Anointing: Claiming Personal Authority
It is a different kind of power to be able to anoint yourself instead of kneeling for someone else to do it.
Rejecting external validation. The author emphasizes the power of self-naming and self-anointing, rejecting the notion that external authorities—be they religious figures, institutions, or even family—have the right to define or validate their identity. This defiance is a direct challenge to colonial legacies and societal norms that seek to control narratives and impose definitions on non-human or marginalized entities.
Unwavering certainty. To withstand the inevitable challenges and accusations of lying or seeking attention, the author cultivates an unwavering certainty in their self-knowledge. This involves a deep internal excavation, ensuring there are "no weak spots" or insecurities that others can exploit. The conviction that their identity is "between us and God," not subject to human judgment, forms an impenetrable shield.
Madness as liberation. The concept of "madness" is reframed not as a flaw, but as a potential shield and a path to liberation. If being truly oneself means being perceived as insane by others, the author questions if that matters, as long as it leads to peace and safety. This radical acceptance of self, even if it means being "set apart," is a powerful act of reclaiming agency and authority over one's own existence.
7. The Brutality and Grace of Embodiment
I am tired of this flesh, what it needs to feel right, what costs that comes with, the litany of ailments that march through its cells.
Chronic pain and mental health. Embodiment is depicted as a constant struggle, marked by chronic pain, suicidal ideation, and a litany of physical ailments. The author describes the profound exhaustion and disorientation caused by a body that constantly hurts and fails to perform as it once did, leading to a deep sense of detachment from their own flesh.
Unexpected support. Despite the brutality of embodiment, the author finds unexpected grace and support in their community. Friends and loved ones provide practical care, emotional solace, and a sense of being seen and held during moments of intense suffering. This network of care highlights a profound paradox: while embodiment is a source of immense pain, it also facilitates deep, reciprocal connections.
Surrender and acceptance. The journey involves a gradual surrender to the limitations and demands of the flesh, accepting that life is not entirely their own to control or discard. This acceptance, however, is not passive; it's an active process of learning to navigate the body's needs, including medication for mental health, and finding a balance between fighting for control and yielding to a greater will.
8. Impermanence and the Quest for Immortal Bonds
All relationships end, she said, and for the first time it occurred to me that perhaps I cannot bend immortality into this world the way I thought I could.
Mortal constraints. As an ancient spirit inhabiting a mortal form, the author grapples with the human concept of impermanence, which feels "unnatural" and "violent." The realization that all relationships, even deep friendships and family bonds, are subject to "ends" is a profoundly traumatic lesson for a being accustomed to timelessness and an eternal cohort.
Longing for forever. This struggle fuels a desperate longing for immortal bonds within this embodied life, a desire to "spin immortality" with a partnerspirit who would never leave. The author's attempts to create such lasting connections are often met with heartbreak, as human relationships inevitably succumb to the constraints of mortality and human fickleness.
Acceptance and mission. The ultimate realization is that while a return to the eternal "home" is inevitable, it is not yet time. The author is "on assignment," tasked with making their work in this lifetime. This acceptance brings a measure of peace, allowing them to let go of the impossible expectation of earthly immortality and focus on their mission, knowing that true home and timelessness await beyond this temporary embodiment.
9. Love, Betrayal, and Radical Self-Preservation
I trusted you arm-deep in my chest, and you used that to harm me further than anyone ever has.
The pain of deceit. The author recounts profound betrayals in relationships, particularly with a lover who lied about a secret pregnancy and relationship. This deceit is experienced as a violent act, a "throwing into the ring" with Death, causing immense grief and a sense of being fundamentally unseen and mocked. The pain is exacerbated by the deep trust and intimacy that preceded the betrayal.
Self-awareness and accountability. A key insight is the realization that the betrayer is "completely self-aware" and intentionally chose to lie, knowing the potential for harm. This understanding shifts the narrative from self-blame to holding others accountable for their choices. The author's own past experiences with being "the secret" or "the affair" are re-examined through the lens of self-preservation, highlighting a learned pattern of avoiding being the one lied to.
Radical forgiveness and boundaries. Despite the profound hurt, the author chooses to forgive, not out of weakness, but as an act of self-liberation from grudges and a focus on their own healing. This forgiveness is coupled with radical self-preservation: severing ties, establishing impenetrable boundaries, and prioritizing their well-being above all else. The experience reinforces the lesson that "loyalty is irrelevant if you can't pay your bills" and that one's allegiance must ultimately be to oneself and one's work.
10. Rage as a Catalyst for Profound Liberation
I decided to be defiant, and I used my rage at the magician to unlock a deeper fury, a fury I didn’t think I was allowed to feel, a spit in the face of God fury, a rebellious well you think you can keep me here against my will, I will make—for the first time ever—a good-faith attempt to destroy the vessel you tossed me into type of fury.
Defiance against divine will. Following a profound betrayal, the author experiences a surge of "rage" not just at the human betrayer, but at the gods themselves for forcing them into a suffering embodiment and forbidding them to leave. This fury becomes a powerful catalyst, driving a "good-faith attempt to destroy the vessel," a suicide attempt born not of despair, but of defiant anger and a desire to reclaim agency.
World-killing magic. The act of attempting suicide is described as "strong magic," requiring the destruction of the surrounding world—killing off distracting thoughts of loved ones' pain—to achieve the necessary focus. This "worldbending pulled into tight focus" allows for a complete surrender to the act, a deliberate choice to return to oblivion, despite the gentle warnings from their spirit siblings.
Resurrection and renewed purpose. The unexpected survival of the suicide attempt leads to a "resurrection" and a profound realization: they are "not allowed to die." This divine command, though initially a "terrible punishment," ultimately brings peace and a renewed sense of purpose. The experience transforms fear into fearlessness, confirming an inherent invincibility and a clear mission to live and make their work, unburdened by resentment against God.
