Counsel for Couples

1. Pastors are Called to Counsel with Biblical Wisdom and Compassion.

Pastor, you are a counselor.

Pastoral duty. Every pastor, regardless of formal training, engages in counseling as an inherent part of shepherding God's flock. This ministry extends beyond the pulpit, involving personal, interpersonal application of God's Word to individuals and couples in their daily lives. It is a relational and pastoral enterprise, engaging in the "care and cure of the soul."

Biblical foundation. Biblical counseling is distinctive because it relies on Scripture as sufficient and powerful to address all of life's issues, including marital struggles. It involves speaking truth in love within the context of a personal relationship, aiming for growth in godliness. This approach ensures that counsel is rooted in God's comprehensive understanding of humanity and His redemptive plan.

Benefits for pastors. Engaging in counseling sharpens a pastor's preaching by connecting biblical truth to real-life struggles, enriching their understanding of their congregation. It also fosters dependence on the Holy Spirit, as true heart change is God's work, not the counselor's. This ministry ultimately builds a stronger, more compassionate church body that reflects Christ.

2. Authentic Marital Change Begins by Addressing the Heart.

Christ transforms people by radically changing their hearts.

Inner motivations. Human behavior, especially in marriage, is driven by what resides in the heart. Problems like anger, conflict, or dissatisfaction stem from internal desires and motivations, not merely external circumstances or a spouse's actions. The Bible provides the most comprehensive understanding of who we are and why we do what we do.

Holistic understanding. A biblical anthropology recognizes individuals as physically embodied, socially embedded, spiritually embattled, and living in God's world. These factors influence the heart's worship and choices, but they do not determine behavior. Counseling must consider these influences to offer nuanced, incarnational care, rather than simplistic behavioral fixes.

Gospel-centered transformation. Lasting change in marriage is not achieved through external pressure or temporary incentives. It requires a fundamental reorientation of what one loves and worships, moving from self-centered desires to God-centered devotion. This shift, empowered by the Holy Spirit, enables spouses to respond biblically to challenges and grow in Christlikeness.

3. Forgiveness and Self-Sacrificial Love are Foundational to Marriage.

I cannot think of a more essential ingredient in marriage than forgiveness.

Gospel's core. Forgiveness is at the very heart of the gospel, and thus, it must be central to marital health. Spouses who grasp the magnitude of God's forgiveness for their own sins are better equipped to extend that same grace to their partners. Without genuine forgiveness, marriages suffocate under the weight of unaddressed wrongs.

Dispelling myths. Many common misconceptions hinder forgiveness, such as equating it with forgetting, believing it erases consequences, or thinking it's only necessary if the offender repents. Biblical forgiveness is a vertical commitment to God, releasing the offense, followed by a horizontal transaction when repentance occurs. It is costly, often preceding feelings, and does not negate consequences but enables healing.

Love's true nature. Biblical love is not a feeling but a self-sacrificial action, modeled after Christ's love for us. It flows from security in God's love, freeing spouses to give love without demanding it in return. This cruciform love, expressed in humility and valuing others above oneself, transforms marriage from a self-serving pursuit to a display of God's glory.

4. Address Adultery and Pornography with Immediate Action and Gospel Hope.

From helping couples navigate the arduous paths created by things such as adultery, abuse, and pornography to guiding husbands and wives with rich wisdom to help cultivate marriages that reflect the beauty of God, Counsel for Couples is a must-read for anyone desiring to serve those who have entered the sacred covenant of marriage.

Immediate cessation. When adultery or pornography is discovered, the affair or usage must cease immediately and completely. This includes all forms of contact and removal of related items, establishing clear boundaries for repentance and accountability. No lasting healing can occur while the sin continues.

Full disclosure and confession. The offending spouse must make a full, honest, and blame-free confession, understanding it as a vital part of repentance before God and their spouse. This disclosure should be comprehensive to prevent future revelations from further eroding trust, though sensitivity to the betrayed spouse's needs for detail is crucial.

Long-term healing. Recovery from sexual sin is a long, arduous process involving a rollercoaster of emotions for the betrayed spouse, including anger, grief, and despair. Counselors must offer patient support, help rebuild trust through consistent repentance and transparency, and guide the couple in writing a new, gospel-centered story for their marriage, planning for ongoing spiritual battles.

5. Navigate Unequally Yoked Marriages with Empathy and Godly Entrustment.

No matter how much you want to, you cannot force your spouse to become a Christian.

Unique challenges. Believing spouses in unequally yoked marriages face profound loneliness, isolation, and sometimes subtle persecution, as their core values and eternal trajectories differ from their partners. They often struggle with the inability to share spiritual intimacy and the frustration of their spouse's indifference or antagonism towards faith.

God's perspective. Counselors must help the believing spouse see their situation within God's larger redemptive plan, understanding that God uses all circumstances, even marital struggles, for their sanctification. This perspective offers hope and encourages perseverance, reminding them that God has not forgotten them and is sovereign over their marriage.

Entrustment and influence. Believing spouses must learn to entrust their unbelieving partner's salvation and their own life circumstances to God, releasing the burden of control. This frees them to love selflessly and influence their spouse through godly behavior, prayer, and consistent witness, rather than through nagging or manipulation.

6. Transform Chronic Conflict by Uncovering and Reorienting Heart Desires.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

Internal warfare. Chronic marital conflict stems from internal desires and unmet expectations warring within each spouse, as James 4:1-3 clearly states. Couples often blame external factors or their partner's behavior, but the root problem lies in their own hearts and what they love more than God.

Repentance and humility. Resolution requires a full-throated, embodied repentance that accesses emotional, spiritual, volitional, and cognitive aspects of the self. James 4:7-10 calls for submission to God, resistance to the devil, drawing near to God, and humbling oneself. This process of self-examination and repentance is crucial for breaking cycles of blame and anger.

Biblical communication. Counselors guide couples to re-evaluate their expectations, distinguishing between biblical mandates and personal preferences. Instead of "blowing up" or "clamming up," spouses learn to "speak up" truthfully and lovingly. This involves active listening, taking personal responsibility, and seeking consensus rooted in selfless love, rather than mere compromise.

7. Prioritize Safety and Biblical Truth in Cases of Marital Abuse.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior that is used by one individual to gain or maintain power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship.

Condemnation of abuse. The Bible unequivocally condemns all forms of abuse—physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, or economic—as a sinful misuse of power and authority. God hates violence and hears the cries of the oppressed, and Jesus himself was familiar with pain and mistreatment.

Immediate safety. The first priority in any domestic abuse situation is the safety of the abused spouse. This requires developing a personal safety plan, providing emergency contact numbers, and, if necessary, facilitating physical separation. Pastors must be informed about local resources and legal protocols, and not handle such complex cases alone.

Long-term care. Counseling for abuse victims involves validating their story, affirming their identity in Christ, and clarifying their responsibility (they are not to blame for the abuse). For abusers, counseling must confront their manipulative patterns and demand genuine repentance, understanding that true change takes time and consistent evidence of humility. Marriage counseling should pause or end when abuse is present, as it can be weaponized by the abuser.

8. Cultivate Godly Communication as a Reflection of a New Identity in Christ.

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Heart and identity. Communication problems are fundamentally heart problems, reflecting what is stored within. They are also identity problems, as ungodly speech stems from living out an "old self" rather than the "new self" created in Christ. Paul's teaching in Ephesians 4:22-24 calls believers to "put off" old, deceitful ways and "put on" new, righteous patterns of speech.

Truthful and edifying speech. Paul commands believers to speak truthfully, putting off falsehood, and to use only "what is helpful for building others up according to their needs." This means avoiding outright lies, half-truths, distortions, and exaggerations. It also means addressing anger righteously, preventing it from leading to sinful outbursts or stifling communication.

Spirit-empowered words. Godly communication is not merely about techniques but about living by the Spirit, whose fruit includes kindness, gentleness, and self-control. Spouses must commit to:

• Communicating according to biblical principles (no profanity, name-calling, yelling).
• Starting conversations with affirmation.
• Talking about their communication patterns.
• Looking inward before outward (Matthew 7:3-5).
• Avoiding "communication grenades" (hateful, global, catastrophic, or generalizing statements).
• Being good listeners, asking clarifying questions.

9. Entrust Children to God While Faithfully Fulfilling Parental Callings.

The key to being used by God with your children is to start with your own heart.

Parental calling. God calls parents to impress His commandments on their children, teaching them to joyfully live under His authority. This involves a holistic approach where home life is oriented towards discussing God's truths constantly, shaping children's hearts, not just their behavior.

Heart-focused parenting. It's tempting for parents to focus on external motivators like threats or manipulation for quick results, bypassing their children's hearts and even their own. However, true change in children, as in adults, comes from God's work in the heart, not human strategies. Parents must examine their own desires and motives, such as comfort or control, that may hinder godly parenting.

Entrustment to God. Parents must discern their God-given responsibilities (their "circle of calling") from outcomes they cannot control (their "circle of trust"). While parents are called to influence, they cannot determine their children's choices or salvation. Entrusting children to God, like David in Psalm 131, fosters humility and peace, preventing parental anxiety from becoming a ruling desire that strains the marital relationship.

10. Approach Miscarriage, Infant Loss, and Infertility with Compassion and Theological Hope.

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so; . . . One short sleep past, we wake eternally And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

Acknowledging profound loss. Miscarriage, infant loss, and infertility represent deep, legitimate forms of suffering and loss that can profoundly impact a marriage. The church must break the silence surrounding these tragedies, offering compassionate presence and validating the parents' grief without imposing timelines or offering trite platitudes.

Grieving with hope. Couples need freedom to grieve and remember their child, whether through memorial services, naming the baby, or simply acknowledging their pain. Counselors should encourage husbands to engage in the grieving process with their wives, understanding that grief manifests differently for each spouse. The hope offered is not that pain disappears, but that God's comfort and presence are real in their mourning.

Biblical assurance. While Scripture doesn't explicitly detail the eternal destiny of infants, theological consensus among many wise scholars suggests that children who die in miscarriage or infancy are with God in heaven. This offers profound comfort, rooted in God's character and Christ's love for children. Counselors should use Scripture wisely, pointing to God as a refuge and source of strength, and addressing questions honestly.

11. Build Marital Unity by Prioritizing Spouse Over In-Law Allegiances.

Perhaps the most difficult of all relationships to deal with is the in-law relationship.

Biblical mandate for unity. Genesis 2:24 establishes the "leaving and cleaving" principle: a man leaves his parents, unites with his wife, and they become "one flesh." This means the spousal relationship is the primary priority, requiring the severing of cords of dependency and allegiance to parents. While honoring parents is still commanded, it shifts from obedience to respect.

In-laws as catalysts. In-laws are not the ultimate cause of marital problems but often reveal underlying heart issues within the couple, such as selfishness, insecurity, or a lack of unity. They can be a significant source of stress, but also an opportunity for spouses to grow in Christlikeness and strengthen their bond against external pressures.

Consensus over compromise. Instead of seeking compromise (where each spouse gives up an equal amount), couples should aim for consensus, where each selflessly moves 100% towards their spouse's interests. This fosters deeper unity and love. Practical steps include:

• Viewing in-laws as image-bearers to be loved.
• Building new family traditions while honoring old ones.
• Resolving never to speak ill of one's spouse to in-laws.
• Utilizing biblical conflict resolution tools when necessary.

12. Foster Sexual Intimacy as a Reflection of God's Glory and Covenantal Love.

May you ever be intoxicated with her love.

God's design for sex. Sexual intimacy in marriage is designed for God's glory, uniting husband and wife in a one-flesh relationship, and is meant to be regular and other-oriented. It is a powerful, God-created way for spouses to say, "I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you," serving as a covenant renewal service.

Regular and reciprocal. Paul's teaching in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 emphasizes that spouses should fulfill their marital duty to each other, not depriving one another except by mutual consent for prayer. This mutual reciprocity means neither spouse has sole authority over their body; both are to give pleasure, finding joy in their spouse's satisfaction.

Addressing struggles. Intimacy struggles often stem from deeper marital issues, biological factors, past trauma, or unbiblical views of sex. Counselors help couples by:

• Making time for sexual and non-sexual intimacy.
• Engaging in open, honest conversation about desires and struggles.
• Being quick to confess sin and forgive, as bitterness kills intimacy.
• Cultivating non-sexual affectionate touch.
• Remembering that sex, while glorious, is temporary and points to the greater, eternal union with Christ.