Catfish and Mandala

1. A Bicycle Pilgrimage to Confront a Sister's Suicide

I said no, quit my job, and bicycled into the Mexican desert.

A Prophetic Fortune. The author's journey begins with a chilling revelation from his grandmother: a Buddhist monk's prophecy of his sister Chi's suicide at thirty-two. This dark fortune, coupled with his own unread birth scroll, propels him to abandon his life and embark on an arduous bicycle journey. The initial leg through the Mexican desert serves as a raw, solitary initiation into a quest for understanding and self-discovery.

Seeking Answers. This physical ordeal is a direct response to the unspoken grief and unanswered questions surrounding Chi's death. The author's decision to cycle into the unknown, first through Mexico, then Japan, and finally Vietnam, is a desperate attempt to outrun his past and confront the complex layers of his identity. It is a pilgrimage to find meaning in his sister's tragedy and his own displacement.

An American's Quest. The act of solo bicycle touring, initially a naive adventure, quickly becomes a brutal test of endurance, forcing him to confront his physical and emotional limits. Encounters with strangers, like the enigmatic Tyle, immediately challenge his American identity and Vietnamese heritage, setting the stage for the deeper cultural and personal confrontations that lie ahead.

2. The Shadow of War and a Family's Desperate Escape

I was there. After Saigon fell on April 30, 1975, our family fled deeper south, hoping to find a boat that would take us to Thailand.

A Childhood Forged in Conflict. The author's earliest, most vivid memories are of the fall of Saigon and the family's harrowing escape from Communist Vietnam. Caught at a Viet Cong barricade, his father was imprisoned in Minh Luong Prison and Labor Camp, while his mother and children endured confinement before being released. These experiences left an indelible mark, shaping his understanding of survival and loss.

Father's Prison Saga. His father's tales of the reeducation camp, filled with death, fear, and the daily ritual of catfish feeding on human waste, become almost as much the author's own stories. These narratives, shared over years, highlight the brutal realities of the post-war regime and the constant threat of execution, underscoring the family's profound trauma and the father's resilience.

The Last Gamble. The family's second, successful escape attempt from Phan Thiet is a meticulously planned, high-stakes gamble. The journey, fraught with danger from patrol boats, engine failure, and the indifference of passing ships, culminates in their rescue by an Indonesian freighter. This perilous passage underscores the desperation and immense sacrifices made for the promise of a new life.

3. Japan: A Mirror Reflecting the Outsider's Soul

Never in twenty years had I thought I would find myself in Japan camping in an empty lot like a hobo.

An Unfulfilled Dream. The author's layover in Japan, once a childhood dream of a grand tour, quickly devolves into a series of misadventures and a stark confrontation with his "outsider" status. Despite his mother's fanciful notion of Japanese blood, he struggles with the language, navigation, and the cultural reserve of the Japanese people, feeling like a hobo rather than a tourist.

Cultural Observations. His experiences reveal a Japan of contrasts:

• Urban sprawl: Tokyo as a bewildering, polluted megalopolis.
• Miniaturized nature: The beauty of sculptured gardens and the endless fascination with nature.
• Reserved hospitality: The polite but distant interactions, contrasting with American openness.
• Work ethic: The quiet, disciplined populace moving dispassionately toward duties.

A Glimpse of Desperation. A storm-induced night of homelessness and harassment by a convenience store clerk brings a profound realization: "I find it here in Japan where I least expect it: the black-hollow desperation of a runaway." This moment connects him to his sister's probable feelings of isolation and fear, deepening his empathy and resolve for his ultimate destination.

4. Saigon's Unforgiving Embrace and the Viet-kieu Identity

Oh, God, if this is how I see the Vietnamese, what sorry sights they must be to Western eyes.

A Disorienting Homecoming. Arriving in Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon), the author is immediately confronted with a chaotic, unrecognizable landscape and the harsh realities of post-war Vietnam. His initial apprehension is compounded by the "Viet-kieu" label, a term that marks him as a privileged outsider, subject to suspicion and exploitation by officials and locals alike.

Corruption and Disillusionment. His experiences at the airport, with damaged luggage and demands for bribes, set a tone of disillusionment. The pervasive corruption, from traffic police to tour operators, and the aggressive hustling of vendors, clash with his idealized memories and hopes for reconciliation. He witnesses a society where survival often trumps civility.

The "Wanting-Wanting" People. Encounters with his relatives and the wider populace reveal a deep-seated neediness and a focus on material gain from foreigners. His search for nostalgic memories in his childhood home and neighborhood yields only disappointment, as the physical landscape and social fabric have been irrevocably altered. He grapples with the "abrasiveness of Saigon" and the feeling of being a "gold mine of free advice."

5. Chi/Minh: A Sister's Tragic Search for Self

She was a man and his name was Minh.

A Secret Identity. The central tragedy of the book is the story of his sister, Chi, who, after running away at sixteen, returns fourteen years later as Minh, a post-operative transsexual. This revelation, though surprising, is met with a complex mix of acceptance and unspoken discomfort from the family, who struggle to reconcile the person they knew with the man before them.

The Weight of Expectations. Chi's childhood was marked by a profound sense of being different, exacerbated by her father's traditional discipline and her own gender identity. Her chest-bandaging and preference for men's clothing were early signs of her struggle, which the family largely dismissed as "troubling adolescence." Her eventual flight was a desperate escape from a world that could not accept her true self.

A Brokenhearted Suicide. Minh's return is brief and marked by loneliness and a failed marriage, a consequence of his hidden past. Despite his family's presence, he remains isolated, his history as a runaway and transient largely unaddressed. His suicide at thirty-two, fulfilling the monk's prophecy, leaves the author with profound regret and a haunting sense of collective failure to understand and love him unconditionally.

6. The Lingering Scars of War on Both Sides

Tell your friend Tyle. There is nothing to forgive. There is no hate in this land. No hate in my heart.

American Veterans' Burden. The author's journey brings him into contact with American Vietnam veterans like Tyle and Big Jake, who carry deep emotional scars from the war. Tyle, a former soldier living in exile in Mexico, breaks down, seeking forgiveness for his actions against the Vietnamese people. Big Jake, a struggling farmer in California, expresses bitterness towards the war and its lasting impact on his life.

Vietnamese Resilience and Forgiveness. In contrast, Vietnamese survivors like Uncle Tu, a one-legged former soldier, express a surprising lack of hatred towards their former enemies. Uncle Tu, who lost his family in the war, offers a profound message of peace and acceptance, inviting Tyle to his humble home. This perspective challenges the author's preconceived notions of blame and victimhood.

The War's Pervasive Presence. The war's legacy is evident everywhere:

• Physical landscape: Bomb-gouged pits, Cu Chi Tunnels, repurposed military barracks.
• Social fabric: The "Viet-kieu" identity, the economic struggles, the pervasive fear of authority.
• Personal narratives: The stories of survival, loss, and the constant struggle to rebuild lives.
  The war, though officially over, continues to shape the lives and perceptions of both Vietnamese and Americans.

7. Vietnam's Stark Reality: Poverty, Resilience, and Corruption

You small, dark people who in all your craziness defeated them. You smiling simple people who haunt their dreams, torture their fine sons now old with wrecked lives.

A Land of Contradictions. The author observes a Vietnam that is both beautiful and desperately poor, a country of "skinny people obsessed with eating." He witnesses the ingenuity and resilience of its people, from the scrap-metal collector to the women who make sleeves from his T-shirt, but also the pervasive poverty that drives corruption and opportunism.

Daily Struggles. Life in Vietnam is a constant hustle for survival:

• Food scarcity: People eating red rice, once fed to animals.
• Economic disparity: The stark contrast between tourist prices and local wages.
• Corruption: Police extorting bribes, snake-oil salesmen preying on bus passengers.
• Hard labor: Stonecutters, farmers, and vendors toiling relentlessly.

The "Gaping Fish" Metaphor. The story of the "Gaping Fish" dish, where a fish is kept alive and gaping while its flesh is eaten, serves as a chilling metaphor for Vietnam itself. It represents the country's brutal resilience, its capacity for enduring suffering, and perhaps the way it is consumed by external forces while still "alive." This image encapsulates the author's complex feelings of admiration and horror.

8. Father-Son Reconciliation and the Cycle of Violence

My father beat me. I didn’t know any other way.

A Legacy of Discipline. The author's relationship with his father is deeply shaped by a cycle of violence and traditional Vietnamese discipline. His father, himself an "abused child," believed in beating his children "to show them the right way to live," a practice the author initially continued with his younger brothers. This harsh upbringing created a chasm of silence and resentment between them.

Father's Regrets. In his old age, facing retirement, his father confesses his regrets, particularly about beating Chi. He grapples with the American concept of an "abused child," a definition that shatters his traditional understanding of discipline and brings down the weight of his guilt. This moment of vulnerability reveals a man struggling to reconcile his past actions with new cultural values.

Breaking the Cycle. The author's own moment of reckoning comes when his youngest brother, Hien, confronts him with a knife, forcing him to realize the destructive pattern he was perpetuating. This pivotal event leads him to break the cycle of violence, a personal triumph that contrasts with his father's lifelong struggle. The father's final, poignant regret—never having said "I love you, Dad"—underscores the emotional distance that defined their relationship.

9. The Elusive Search for Belonging and Forgiveness

I am wondering to what century this train has transported me. Maybe I am wrong about heaven not lying across the Pacific.

A Fractured Identity. Throughout his journey, the author grapples with his dual identity, feeling "too American" in Vietnam and an "unadoptable outsider" in America. He is a "Viet-kieu," a term that carries both privilege and stigma, leaving him rootless and searching for a place where he truly belongs. His experiences highlight the difficulty of bridging cultural divides and finding a coherent sense of self.

The Quest for Forgiveness. The journey is also a quest for forgiveness: for his father's actions, for his own failures towards Chi, and for the collective suffering caused by war. Tyle's plea for forgiveness and Uncle Tu's message of no hate offer contrasting paths to peace. The author's inability to help the beggar child, who reminds him of Trieu and Chi, leaves him "rotten with doubts," questioning his own capacity for empathy and action.

An Unfinished Crossing. The book concludes with the author still on his journey, physically and emotionally. His sister's ashes scattered on the sea she never finished crossing symbolize the unresolved nature of his quest. He finds moments of connection and beauty, but ultimately, the "disparity between my world and the world of these people" remains, leaving him with a profound sense of being lost, yet perhaps, finally, ready to confront his own "sorry soul."

Last updated: March 10, 2026