Key Takeaways
1. Navigating the "Mysterious East": An Anglo's Wilderness Guide to French Montreal
The east end is to the Quebecois spirit what Mississippi is to the blues.
East End Expedition. For the "timid, uptight anglos" of Montreal's west end, the city's east end represents an uncharted "heart of darkness," a place where French Quebec truly begins. This satirical guide offers essential, albeit exaggerated, survival tips for venturing into this culturally distinct territory. It emphasizes the need for meticulous preparation, from drawing up a detailed itinerary to having one's appendix preemptively removed to avoid French hospitals.
Cultural Immersion (or not). The guide humorously outlines the stark cultural differences Anglos might encounter. It advises on local customs like using "Caisse Pop" instead of banks, understanding unique traffic rules (where "STOP/ARRET" means "slow down to 50 km/h"), and navigating public transport by sitting upfront and engaging the driver. The advice underscores the Anglo perception of the east end as a foreign land, requiring special precautions and a willingness to adapt to unfamiliar social norms.
Food and Festivities. Dining in the east end is presented as an adventure in traditional Quebecois cuisine, featuring B-B-Q chicken, pogos, and the infamous "La Poutine." The guide warns against "hambourgeois" and offers clues to avoid inferior eateries, such as counting tattoos on cooks and hickeys on waitresses. It also highlights distinct holidays, like "le Fete nationale," and the unique atmosphere of taverns and nightclubs, where ordering "le Gros Gin" and avoiding "Crescent Street concoctions" are crucial for fitting in.
2. The Art of Franglais: Bridging Quebec's Linguistic Divide with Humour
Franglais is completely uncharted linguistic terrain, less studied than Kickapoo or Novesperanto.
Uncharted Linguistic Territory. Franglais, a unique blend of English, French, and sign language, serves as the unexpected "cement" between Quebec's diverse language groups. The book humorously categorizes five basic "garden varieties" of this linguistic hybrid, ranging from polite, functional bilingualism to outright francophobia. These dialogues illustrate the often-awkward, yet surprisingly effective, ways Anglos and Francophones communicate daily.
Everyday Misunderstandings. The dialogues showcase common scenarios, such as ordering coffee or tomatoes, where linguistic gaps lead to comical exchanges. For instance, an Anglo struggling to recall the French word for "cheese" might resort to shouting "DE CHEESE!" before finally landing on "FRO-MAJ!" The responses from Francophones vary from patient clarification to a sudden switch to fluent English, often surprising the struggling Anglo.
The Universal Language of Need. Despite the linguistic gymnastics, the underlying message is that necessity often trumps grammatical perfection. Whether through broken French, accented English, or elaborate hand gestures, the goal is always to get the message across. The book suggests that these imperfect interactions, while sometimes frustrating, are a fundamental part of the Quebec experience, fostering a unique, if chaotic, form of mutual understanding.
3. Conquering "Le Guilt": A Bold Approach to Speaking "Nouveau Français"
You suffer from Le Guilt, hiding your French in the closet so that no one will hear how bad it is.
Overcoming "Le Guilt." Many Quebec-born Anglophones suffer from "Le Guilt," a deep-seated embarrassment about their imperfect French, often leading them to avoid speaking it altogether. This satirical section argues that traditional French education, with its focus on complex grammar and obscure tenses, has only exacerbated this fear. It proposes "Le Nouveau français" as a revolutionary method to liberate one's hidden French, emphasizing boldness over grammatical accuracy.
Simplified Grammar for Survival. "Le Nouveau français" offers a radically simplified approach to French grammar. It suggests using "le" for all nouns, regardless of gender, and reducing verb conjugations to a single form in the present tense. The past tense is streamlined by exclusively using "avoir" (to have), eliminating the dreaded 16 exceptions that use "être" (to be). The future is bypassed entirely by combining "aller" (to go) with the desired verb, creating phrases like "je vais tuer" (I am going to kill).
Speak Boldly, Not Perfectly. The core strategy of "Le Nouveau français" is to "fill the air with words," prioritizing communication over correctness. It encourages Anglos to use English words when French ones are unknown, to ignore accents (except for 'e'), and to simplify negatives by just using "pas." The ultimate message is that "speaking bad French boldly is better than being silent and correct," as consistent, albeit imperfect, practice may eventually lead to fluency.
4. The Sacred and the Profane: Unpacking Quebecois Cursing
Unlike English where the human body is considered dirty, joual cursing draws its material from the body of the church.
Holy Profanity. Quebecois cursing, or "joual cursing," stands in stark contrast to English profanity, which typically draws from bodily functions. In Quebec, the most potent expletives are derived from religious terms, transforming sacred words like "hostie" (host), "calvaire" (Calvary), and "tabernacle" into expressions of extreme anger or frustration. This unique cultural phenomenon means that a seemingly religious utterance can, in fact, be a severe insult.
Ecclesiastical Lexicon. The guide provides a glossary of common Quebecois curses, revealing the literal religious meanings behind terms like "calice" (chalice) and "ciboire" (pyx). It highlights the paradoxical nature of this linguistic tradition, where avoiding religious discussion is often the safest bet if one doesn't intend to swear. Conversely, any non-religious term, no matter how vulgar in English, is considered "perfectly clean" in Quebecois, with the sole exception of "maudit anglais."
Crafting Your Own Curses. For the adventurous Anglo, the book offers a simple formula for creating personalized joual curses: "mon + religious term + stsie." This allows for creative, albeit offensive, expressions like "monencensoir-stsie!" (you turd!). The guide also presents more complex examples, demonstrating how to weave multiple religious terms and "de's" and "en's" into elaborate, blood-curdling tirades, providing a humorous, if shocking, insight into the depth of Quebecois profanity.
5. Beyond Language: The Cultural Chasm in Anglo-French Relationships
Trivial Pursuit will be out of the question — not because you have different languages, but because you have different trivia.
Unshared Memories. Marrying into French Quebec society, especially high society, presents an Anglo with a unique set of cultural challenges that extend far beyond language. The book humorously points out that "unshared childhoods make for unshared memories," rendering games like Trivial Pursuit impossible due to vastly different cultural references. While one partner might recall Ed Sullivan and Nancy Drew, the other grew up with Les Beaux Dimanches and Tintin.
Family Encounters. Meeting the French family involves navigating specific customs, such as the symbolic two-cheek kiss, which is a ritual that "in no way involves the mouth." Anglos are advised to let others initiate the greeting and to insist on proper pronunciation of their own names, even if it means translating "Ramsbottom" into "Cul-de-belier." Conversely, learning a French spouse's multiple Christian names can be daunting, as relatives might still refer to "Emile" as "Pierre" years later.
Genealogy and Home Life. The guide cautions against tracing one's Anglo roots, as a French family tree will likely dwarf it, especially for recent immigrants whose ancestors arrived in a cargo hold rather than with Jacques Cartier. Home life requires significant adjustments, from drinking real French wine with dinner and having salad after the main course, to accommodating two sets of newspapers, books, and TV/radio preferences. In the heat of an argument, both partners are expected to revert to their native tongues, leading to mutual incomprehension, which is "just as well — there will be less to regret later."
6. Raising Bebe in Quebec: The Anglo Parent's Assimilation Anxiety
You always wanted your child to learn French, but it’s one thing to speak French, and quite another to be French.
The Bilingual Wunderkind's Betrayal. Anglo parents in Quebec, striving to integrate by sending their children to French schools and daycares, often face the unsettling reality of their children becoming "too French." The book comically depicts the moment an 8-year-old declares, "Ça m’tente plus de parler Anglais, papa. J’veux être comme tout le monde," signaling a linguistic defection. This raises the Anglo parent's fear of their child becoming "normale" (French) and potentially turning them in to the language police.
Danger Signs and Counter-Measures. A ten-point "litmus test" helps identify latent linguistic turncoats, including children who call you "Papa," sing "Gens du Pays," correct your French pronunciation, or show visible boredom with English hockey commentators. To "anglifying" children, the guide suggests hiding Tintin books, striking out French on cereal boxes, playing English immersion tapes under pillows, and subsidizing English dates. The ultimate threat: sending them to boarding school in Tipperary if their English doesn't improve.
Navigating French Institutions. The book offers satirical advice for choosing French daycares ("garderies") and schools. It warns against "Garderie libre" (unless children are separated into cells) and "garderie populaire" (lest children sing the "Internationale"). For school, it lists absurd loopholes for Anglos to access English schooling, such as proving a relation to Louis Riel or possessing videotapes of PQ ministers' "sexual proclivities." The ultimate reward for such leverage is a foreign posting, allowing children to attend exclusive English schools abroad.
7. Becoming an "Ethnic": The Anglo's Survival Guide to Quebec's Civil Service
Anglophones are hopelessly out of fashion these days, but ethnics are still quite acceptable — even “in”.
The Ethnic Imperative. For Anglophones entering the Quebec civil service, the key to survival and acceptance is to shed their Anglo identity and become an "ethnic." The book humorously explains that while Anglos are seen as "colonizers and exploiters," ethnics are embraced as part of Quebec's "cultural mosaic." If one isn't naturally ethnic, the advice is to "find the hidden ethnic inside of you" and cultivate it, whether Scottish, Jewish, or North American Indian.
Playing the Part. Once an "ethnic self" is chosen, the guide instructs Anglos to "play the part well," embracing stereotypes. Scots should wear kilts and bring bagpipes, Jews should emulate Woody Allen with ill-fitting clothes and existential jokes (but avoid lending money), and North American Indians should "lay a guilt trip" on French Quebecers for past exploitation. Even "dyed-in-the-wool English" can become exotic by looking like something out of "Wuthering Heights" or adopting "The French Lieutenant’s look."
Fitting In and Faking It. General hints for blending into the civil service include smoking Gitane cigarettes, driving a Renault 5, carrying Le Devoir, and never referring to Bill 101 as anything but "La Charte." Socially, Anglos should embrace the two-hour-plus lunch with French wine, learn office birthdays, and participate in "fetes" for the arrival of Nouveau Beaujolais, lobsters, and shrimp. Dress codes emphasize flair over plainness, with men adopting beards and silk scarves, and women embracing make-up and subtle sexuality, all while avoiding English at the office and discreetly conducting English calls from the bathroom.
8. The Refugee's Lament: Nostalgia and Dystopian Fears of the Anglo Exodus
You are the “car people”, an endless orange line of U-Hauls vanishing down the 401 — leaving us alone and abandoned.
The Great Anglo Exodus. This section addresses the "hundreds of thousands" of Anglos who fled Quebec, dubbed the "car people" for their endless U-Haul procession down the 401. It acknowledges their search for "STOP" signs and English-speaking school boards, but also questions if they truly miss Quebec. Mock letters from exiles in Ottawa, New York, Toronto, and Vancouver reveal a mix of longing for Montreal's unique charm and relief at escaping its perceived challenges.
Life Beyond Quebec. Ex-Montrealers recount their struggles to replicate Montreal life elsewhere. In Ottawa, the lack of fresh coffee and vibrant nightlife is lamented, while Toronto is described as slowly growing "Montreal in its belly" with bagel factories and smoked meat, yet still lacking the city's unique "lifestyle." New York offers everything but the "u" in colour and the ability to walk without lining up, while Vancouver's perpetual spring and laid-back pace are contrasted with Montreal's "press of humanity" and "absence of danger."
Dystopian Fears. The "Diary of Ian Frank" presents a chilling, satirical ghost story for refugee children, depicting a future where the "Language Police" arrest the last Anglophone for a "language felony." Imprisoned in the basement of McGill, Ian Frank endures "dialogues," dictation, and "explication du texte," culminating in being "sugared off" with maple syrup. This narrative, though exaggerated, reflects the deep-seated anxieties and paranoia that drove many Anglos to leave, offering a cautionary tale to prevent their children from ever returning.
9. A Revisionist History: The British Plot to Unload Quebec
The truth of the matter is that the British spent three hundred years trying to dump Quebec onto the French, with the French all the while stubbornly refusing to take it back.
The Unwanted Colony. This satirical "petite histoire" radically reinterprets Quebec's history, asserting that the British never actually wanted Quebec, viewing it as a "bleak chunk of frozen tundra." Instead, the British spent three centuries trying to "dump" the colony onto the French, who stubbornly refused to reclaim it. This narrative posits that British agents continuously worked to free Britain from this "unwanted yoke," often in the guise of Quebec nationalists.
Secret Agents and Sabotage. Jacques Cartier's "discovery" of New France is attributed to a British agent, Uriah Urdoho, who repeatedly steered Cartier's ship away from warmer climates. The very name "Canada" is humorously traced to Urdoho's Spanish vulgarity, "caca nada" ("nothing but shit"). Later, British highwayman Dick Turpin, exiled to New France, became the first "coureur de bois" to secretly help the French colony prosper just enough to keep France interested. Even Benedict Arnold's American Revolution attack on Quebec was a British ploy, sabotaged by French agents who replaced his supplies with eggs, leading to the invention of "Eggs Benedict."
Modern British Machinations. The narrative extends to modern times, suggesting that Quebec separatism itself is a "British-inspired ploy" to finally rid Canada of its French burden. Rene Levesque is portrayed as a "pawn" whose "Quiet Revolution" was camouflaged by British agent Eric Kierans. Even Charles de Gaulle's "Vive le Québec libre" speech is implicated, with the question posed: "Is it any coincidence that the name of the heir apparent to the British throne, Charles, Prince of Wales, translates in French to Charles de Gaulle?" The ultimate goal of this elaborate British plot was to create a "barren, bankrupt iceberg" (Quebec) that would inevitably return to France, a plan thwarted only by brave French agents like Camille Laurin, who infiltrated the PQ to ensure Quebec remained "une province comme les autres."
10. The Guardian Anglos' World: Preserving a Fading English Montreal
Put on your tartan blinders — see Ogilvy’s, see St. James’s, see Sir John A’s statue — see precious little else.
The Steadfast Few. Not all Anglos fled Quebec; a "resolute band of die-hards," known as the Guardian Anglos, remained, "as rooted to Quebec soil as the maples on Mount Royal and the potholes in the streets." This section celebrates their commitment, offering a glimpse into their world and the institutions they cherish, even as English Montreal undergoes significant changes. It acknowledges the nostalgia for a "Paradise Lost," a list of defunct Anglo businesses, theatres, and landmarks that once defined their city.
A Unilingual Tour. The "Walking Backward" guide offers a satirical tour of downtown Montreal for "hopelessly unilingual" Anglos, encouraging them to wear "tartan blinders" and selectively perceive only the English elements. Starting at Windsor Station, a symbol of Confederation, the tour highlights monuments like Sir John A. Macdonald and Robbie Burns, and buildings like the Sun Life building, where Sir Winston Churchill stored Britain's securities. The instruction is to "savour the street names" like Stanley, Drummond, and Mountain, while ignoring the "forgettable French bars."
Ogilvy's and Anglo Identity. The tour culminates at Jas. A. Ogilvy’s Ltd., a department store presented as more than just a retail space, but a "symbol" of Anglo heritage since 1879. Here, Anglos can enjoy "elevensies" in the Tartan Room, surrounded by "solid stuff from the British Isles," served by a "bekilted female wearing white gloves." The experience is designed to transport visitors to the highlands, offering a comforting, albeit fleeting, escape from the French reality of St. Catherine Street. The section underscores the Guardian Anglos' determination to preserve their cultural identity amidst a changing Quebec.
11. Stepping H'Out: Mastering Montreal's Social Scene as an Anglo
In any other city in the world, stepping out is simple. Just twist the knob, swing wide the door, and sally forth — to a restaurant, a bar, a movie, the theatre, whatever. But for Quebec anglos, life just ain’t that simple.
The Anglo's Social Dilemma. For Quebec Anglos, navigating Montreal's social scene is far from simple; it's a complex dance of cultural codes and expectations. The book humorously acknowledges the Anglo's fear of dressing incorrectly, saying the wrong things, and ultimately being "insulted, or even worse, ignored" when venturing into French-dominated spaces like St. Denis Street. The key to success, it suggests, is "insouciance"—a debonair nonchalance about drinking, lounging, and dressing.
Dress Codes and Cultural Cues. Dress is paramount and highly contextual. West of Bleury, one dresses as their mother taught them (or like Cleveland/Toronto). In Outremont, "chic is de rigueur," aiming for Vogue covers. North of St. Louis Square, it's a land of "left-over bell-bottom jeans," while east of Papineau, "trash with flash rules," featuring terrycloth short-shorts and fuzzy dice. Make-up is "infinitely complex," and blue eyeshadow is a cardinal sin. Fur coats and jewelry should be "the best" and worn proudly, as "modesty is boring."
Navigating Nightlife. The guide offers specific advice for various social settings. At the theatre, it's now acceptable to compare French productions to Broadway originals, as much French theatre is "hand-me-down Broadway." For movies, Anglos should arrive late, be prepared for talkers, and prioritize Fellini over Spielberg. In bars and bistros, ordering red wine or beer (never white wine or spritzers) and discussing "affairs of the heart or third world politics" are essential. Eating out requires late dining, ignoring the menu, and breaking all the rules—like dunking croissants in café-au-lait—because "only les anglais treat dining out as if it were some sort of memorial service."
12. Joual and Jargon: The Inaccessible Language of Quebecois Culture
Joual is a genetic trait and anglos are missing the vital chromosome.
The Enigma of Joual. Joual, the distinctive Quebecois patois, is presented as a linguistic enigma for Anglophones, akin to a "secret code" that is genetically inaccessible to them. While Francophones, even those from Outremont, understand it as a "colourful 'langage populaire'," Anglos are humorously told they are "missing the vital chromosome" required to comprehend it. The book even notes that Quebecois films are often subtitled in France, highlighting its unique nature.
A Glossary of the Incomprehensible. The guide provides a multi-level glossary of Joual terms, starting with "Beginner's Joual" which reveals many English words disguised with a French accent, such as "le driveshaff" (the driveshaft) or "le toune-oppe" (the tune-up). "Intermediate Joual" introduces more distinct Quebecois terms like "frette" (cold), "poigne" (angst), and "les canayens" (French-Canadians, archaic). These examples illustrate the blend of borrowed English, regionalisms, and phonetic shifts that characterize Joual.
Beyond Translation. The "Inaccessible Joual" level showcases phrases that defy simple translation, emphasizing the cultural and contextual depth of the dialect. For instance, "m’eq’ i’ arrive, tsu p’et sure qui’i v’en manger une bonne" translates to "when he arrives you may be sure that he’ll get what’s coming to him." The book concludes with a humorous anecdote about two Anglos trying to order lunch in Joual, only to discover they are in a hardware store, underscoring the profound cultural and linguistic barriers that remain, even with the best intentions.
